Across Equestria, ponies turned into perfect alicorns.
It was a normal day in Equestria. Suddenly, it all went haywire when ponies started turning into alicorns. Not just any alicorns, but perfect alicorns. Ones that had everything go their way, and have everypony else bend to their will.
All hooves are pointed at Twilight.
Remember, this story is not serious. If you came here for seriousness, you're wrong. If you came here for good grammar, you're right! If you came here because this story is supposed to make sense, you're wrong. If you came here to laugh and not take this with any seriousness, you're right! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had to write this. I NEEDED to put this out. I thought of it and I just had to write it.
Rarity felt a warm ray of light grace her body. It felt absolutely perfect.
She slid from bed and shuddered in bliss as her hooves made contact with clean carpet.
"Oh, what a wonderful morning!" she sighed, standing.
The world felt glorious to Rarity as she smiled. It felt as though nothing could possibly go wrong today.
She went to the bathroom, where her make-up kit awaited her. She flaunted over and levitated a brush up to her face. She looked into the mirror and was greeted with something that nearly surprised her. Nearly surprised her. For whatever reason, she knew that what she was seeing was something she already knew everything about, and that it was fine.
For whatever reason, she now had wings.
She shrugged.
"They don't look as beautiful as they could," she said. "I should fix that."
Suddenly, they became pristine, and every feather became straight and agile. It should have surprised her that she had fixed her wings with thought alone, but it did not. In fact, it felt normal. She applied her make-up perfectly and left the room.
She stretched out her feathery appendages and sighed in content as they became relaxed.
"I wonder what will happen today," she said.
She left her boutique and was met by the sun's warming rays. Of course, it took a moment to realize that it was raining. The rest of the world around her was soaking wet, water pouring down upon fleeing citizens of Ponyville, but the area five feet around her was completely dry.
"As if the rain would touch somepony as perfect as me!" she exclaimed.
She started to walk, watching as Carrot Top and Derpy ran past her, trying to protect themselves from an onslaught of hail that had just begun. They jumped inside of her circle, and Rarity barely flinched.
"Can we hide in here?" Carrot Top asked. "It's a long way to home, and I don't think we can make it in the weather."
"Of course, darling!" Rarity said. "I will always do the right thing!"
"Well, ma'am, could you clear the storm?" Derpy asked. "You are an alicorn."
"Oh, why yes I can!" Rarity said, pointing her horn upwards. "I always am a good pony!"
She shot a bolt of magic into the air, where it dissipated into thousands of small particles. The clouds began to fade away, slowly revealing a sunny sky. A team of pegasi who had been working on the scheduled storm only smiled and waved, conveniently forgetting about the fact that it was supposed to storm today.
Carrot Top and Derpy thanked Rarity and continued on their way, chatting about how awesome Rarity was.
"Uh... Rarity?"
The now alicorn turned to see Twilight Sparkle, also an alicorn, staring at her.
"Yes, darling?" Rarity asked with a flip of her hair.
"When did you... grow wings?" the princess asked, her eyes wide.
"Oh, just this morning!" Rarity flaunted the appendages happily. "They're so beautiful and perfect, just like me!"
Twilight was just confused. She had the urge to praise Rarity for being so amazing, but she was not sure why. She actually wanted Rarity to be a princess instead of her.
"Uh, um," she stuttered, trying to find the right words to express her feelings. "Do you, uh, want to, uh, do something?"
"Something like what?" a quizzical look appeared on Rarity's face.
"A game, maybe?"
Twilight felt so confused as she looked at her friend, trying to process the ever-increasing list of things that she wanted to do for her.
"Sure! Which one?"
Twilight just bowed down, accidently letting one of her urges take over.
"Rise," Rarity said, not even reacting to the odd gesture. "Thank you."
Twilight fidgeted nervously and locked away all of the unbearable instincts crowding her head.
"Why don't we play 'Experiment in the Basement?'" she asked.
"Oh, I'm good at that game!"
Twilight only blanked. She had just made up a game, and Rarity says she is good at it?!
"Then come to the library."
Rarity followed her friend to the tree house/library. When they arrived, Twilight led her though a door into the basement where a machine was set up, with electrodes and switches and other science things. Rarity went over to a small stand in the center of this, knowing exactly what to do.
She placed her hooves in the metal cuffs and flipped them shut with her magic. Twilight came over and placed all of the science things on various parts of her body. She flipped on the machine and watched as the paper rolled out, showing various lines.
Twilight examined the parchment and narrowed her eyes.
"That's weird," she said, turning to face Rarity. "The readings say that-"
"I have a high IQ, my body is in prime condition, and my muscles are strong."
Twilight let her jaw fall, and the feelings from earlier came back, and she wanted to just make her friend have the most perfect life ever at her expense.
"How did you-" she managed to get out.
"I am perfect!"
Twilight could only push away the rising tide of helpful thoughts coming to her head.
"You can.. go," she said.
Rarity pulled all of the science things off of her and left, leaving Twilight to stare blankly at the wall for a minute. She felt the rush of need leave her, and she sighed.
"I need to investigate more," she said.
She picked up the readings from her experiment and looked at them. It was not possible! You don't just become perfect all of the sudden! She wracked her brain for answers, but found none.
"I need to find a book," she said, running upstairs.
She threw open the door and ran for the bookshelves, where she started scanning through the titles, looking for anything that could help her.
"'How to Floss,' 'When to Feed a Dragon,' 'The Great Hoofsy,' 'The Rhyming Book of Rhymes,' 'The Complete Collection of Edgar Allen Pone,'" Twilight read the words aloud as she progressed across the room, trying to find anything that made sense. "There's nothing here that helps!"
She ran over all of her encounter with Rarity and had an idea.
"Spike!" she yelled.
There was only silence.
"Oh, yeah!" she said, facehoofing. "I sent him off to go retrieve that special quill from the Griffin Kingdoms! I guess I'll have to do this myself."
She levitated over a quill, an ink bottle, and a piece of parchment. She began to write.
Dear Princess Celestia,
There is a matter of great importance that has arisen. Rarity has turned into an... alicorn. Not just that, but she's become smarter, and just overall a better pony! I have these urges to do things for her and I don't know why! If you could please respond soon-
Her thought train was interrupted by a knock on the library door. She left the letter unfinished and walked over. She opened it to find all of her friends, minus Rarity, standing there.
"Twilight," Rainbow Dash said. "We've got a problem."
The crowd of ponies mulling angrily behind her backed that statement up completely.
Twilight ushered her friends inside and left the crowd to fester in the sun.
"What's happening?" she asked.
"Ponies have been turning into alicorns all over town!" Pinkie Pie said, looking genuinely concerned. "They're all running about and ponies keep doing stuff for them!"
"You know that storm earlier?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"What storm? It was raining?" Twilight was confused.
"Alright," the pegasus said, sighing at her obliviousness. "Well, it was supposed to rain today, but one of these stupid new alicorns did something and made it go away! And over half the weather team doesn't even care about it! They said it was 'perfectly fine' for some idiot alicorn to get rid of their hard work!"
"Do you know what's causing this?" Twilight asked, not caring which of them responded.
"Well..." Rainbow Dash said, rubbing the back of her head.
"The ponies outside think it was you," Fluttershy muttered, stepping forward.
"What?!" the astonished alicorn asked. "Why do they think it was me?!"
"Well, you do mess up on your spells," Pinkie Pie said, hopping. "There was that time with the parasprites, that time with the Smartypants doll, and there was just a few weeks ago, when you screwed around with our cutie marks and made the whole town-"
"Alright!" Twilight yelled. "I see that I may sometimes mess up. So, the ponies out there think I made all of these... alicorns?"
"Pretty much!" the bouncing pink earth pony replied, a smile on her face.
"Well then I'll tell them otherwise!"
Twilight stormed out of the library and took a breath.
"Ponies-"
The crowd swarmed her, cutting off her sentence and leaving her flailing in a pile of fur and hooves. She sputtered in complete disbelief as her flank hit the ground and she was trampled senseless by the group.
"Stop!" she yelled in frustration, but her cry was ignored by the frenzy.
She began to lose her breath, slowly tumbling into unconsciousness, until she was saved by Rainbow Dash, who blasted the crowd apart and grabbed Twilight's hoof.
They landed on the doorstep of the library, where her friends formed a defensive ring around her, growling.
"Alright, ponies," Twilight said after catching her breath. "I see that you are angry at me, and that you think that these alicorns across town are my fault. I understand that my spells do misfire quite often, more than I realize, but I want to inform you that I am not the cause of this problem!"
There was a collective groan from a small portion of the mass. They slowly put away their pitchforks and torches with great sadness, mumbling under their breath. One of them slung his flamethrower over his shoulder and started to march home, anger in his eyes.
"I intend to get to the bottom of this!" Twilight yelled. "You can all go home!"
The crowd walked off, leaving Twilight and her friends to contemplate what to do.
~
Of course, that's what they would be doing if Pinkie did not pull an Xbox from beyond the fourth wall.
"You're terrible at this, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said in hysterics as Twilight lost again.
Pinkie Pie laughed and stared at the TV, also pulled from beyond the fourth wall. After doing things that involved more fourth wall destruction, she had plugged it in and gotten everything working.
They had been playing a hacked Mario for the past few hours, and Twilight lost every time, barely even getting through half a level before dying.
"This game is so unfair!" she cried. "There's not even any science!"
"Oh, science!" Pinkie yelled, pulling out Portal 2. "I think I have just the game!"
~ A couple of life-wasting hours later in which the six could have been solving the alicorn dilemma...
"Ha!" Twilight yelled, successfully putting Wheatly onto GLaDOS. "I win!"
Her friends hugged her and laughed happily.
"I'm so proud, Twilight!" Fluttershy said. "You did such a good-"
And then Twilight's character was launched down the pit.
~ A few more life-wasting hours in which so much could have been done but wasn't...
Eyes widened in awe as the song progressed, and ending, leaving them in a grassy plain. The door shut, but it reopened, and a cube rolled out. The door slammed shut again, and it went black...
~ After memorizing the credits song and singing it a million times...
"That was so much fun, girls!" Twilight said as Pinkie put up the Xbox and TV. "We should do that again!"
"Well," Rarity said. "It wasn't too much to my tastes, but it was still good. Now, we should get back to solving this alicorn problem. Does anypony have an idea?"
Twilight pondered in her head.
"Nope," she said, shrugging. "I guess we'll have to wait."
They all sat down in the middle of the floor and thought.
"This is booorrrriiinnnggg!" Pinkie Pie said, stretching her lips dramatically.
The six ponies, minus Rarity, who just sort of vanished, had been working to get a plan to solve the odd predicament for two hours. However, nopony had come up with a solution that made any sense or would work.
"We know, Pinkie," Twilight said with a groan. "But I don't want to stop until we can get rid of this alicorn problem."
Pinkie stood and said, "I'm going outside. It's probably got something fun out there. And who knows, maybe there will have to be a party!"
She opened the library door and left. Twilight sighed and concentrated.
"OH MY GOSH, GIRLS!!"
The scream caused the four to jump and swear violently.
"What is it, Pinkie?" Fluttershy asked as the party pony darted in, a look of complete shock on her face.
"YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS!!"
Twilight rubbed her ears.
"You didn't need to yell," she said.
They stepped from the library and followed Pinkie's hoof to where she was pointing at two alicorns standing in the street, staring at a lone cabbage.
The alicorns were Derpy and Roseluck, eyes narrowed in concentration and bodies tensed.
"What in the hay?" Applejack asked. "What are they doin'?"
"I don't know," Pinkie said. "But it looks like fun!"
She ran up and stood next to the two, assuming the same position they were in.
Twilight facehoofed.
"Excuse me," she said, approaching Derpy. "But, what are you doing?"
"Getting a cabbage," she said with a grin.
There was a slight beat.
"So, why are you doing that?"
"She wants it too!"
"Can't you share?"
Derpy's eye turned angry.
"NO!" she yelled. "I get what I want, WHEN I WANT IT!"
Twilight blinked, then she nodded.
"Yeah," she said, turning around.
She trotted back to her friends and shrugged.
"I have no idea," she said. "That was just weird... wait, where's Fluttershy?"
She swiveled her head to see Fluttershy taking the cabbage and then looking into the eyes of Roseluck.
"Here you go," she said.
And then she exploded.
Eyes widened in complete shock as the cabbage fell to the ground, leaving Derpy and Roseluck to stare at it, continuing their... ritual.
Rainbow Dash flew to where the shy pegasus once stood and started to cry. A yellow hoof patted her shoulder. She looked and saw Fluttershy standing behind her.
"What?!" she yelped, hopping away in surprise.
"Fluttershy's an alicorn!" Pinkie yelled in delight. "Today has been so fun!"
Twilight stuttered a few incomprehensible words and fainted.
"Hey, Twilight!" Pinkie said, coming into her field of fading vision, looking concerned. "Are you alright?"
~
When Twilight opened her eyes, she was in a spinning world of colorful seizure time. She blinked to get rid of the pain in her head and gulped.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Hello!"
A being emerged from nothingness and approached. It stood on two legs and swung its forelegs in the air.
"W- who are you?" Twilight asked in confusion. "Where am I?"
The background faded away, revealing a crowd of things just like the being, and lights blazing down on her. She raised a hoof to shield her eyes.
"You're on my TV show!" the being yelled.
"TV?"
"Television?"
"What's television?"
"You don't know what television is?"
"No, I want to get back home!"
"You will, once you answer some of my questions I determined after spying on your life!"
"I guess- wait, what?!"
The creature smiled and flashed her teeth at the audience.
"So," it said. "What is your life like in Equestria?"
"It's, uh, fine," Twilight said.
"How is being a princess?"
"It's not really difficult. Princess Celestia just dumps stuff on me from time to time, but other than that I don't do much."
"What do you think about Celestia?"
"I think she's doing a good job ruling the country. She and Luna are both excellent, even though Luna gets almost no screen time-"
Twilight paused.
"Wait, screen time? Huh?"
"It's okay, darling. Now-"
"Look, can I just go home Ms.?"
"It's Oprah, dear."
"Oprerah?"
"No, just Oprah."
"Look, Ms. Oprah, can I just go home?"
"Sure!"
The world flickered, and Twilight woke up in bed, staring into the eyes of Rainbow Dash.
"You were talking in your sleep," she said. "Who were you talking to?"
"Ugh," Twilight felt terrible. "Her name was Okra or something."
"OPRAH!"
Twilight turned her head in shock as she found herself facing the being from her dream.
"AH!" she yelled, jumping out of bed.
Oprah pointed a finger at Rainbow Dash.
"You're an alicorn!" she said, as the pegasus grew a horn. "You're an alicorn!" Pinkie had been sitting on the side of the room, and she suddenly sprouted wings and a horn. "EVERYPONY'S AN ALICORN!"
A blast of psionic energy ripped through the universe as it passed through every pony and zebra and griffon and thing. Up in Canterlot, Celestia blinked.
Twilight looked out of the window.
"What did you-"
There Is Most Certainly Not A Twist Of Plot In This Chapter
As the blast wave of unimaginable proportions rocked the universe, it was watched by two red and black alicorns–Sue and Stu respectively. They had smiles across their faces as they laughed maniacally at the sun.
"We have changed Equestria as the ponies here know it!" Stu said, compensating for his lost sister/love interest/warrior from space/friend next to him. "Oprah has done well!"
His horn glowed, and Oprah appeared next to him, "Here is your payment."
He stabbed her with a magic sword and left her bleeding on the ground, gasping for breath and grabbing her wound. He did not really need to do that, but he needed to emphasize the fact that he was evil and horrible and most certainly worthy of fear.
"Was that necessary?" Sue asked as she calmed down from her hysterics. "There was no point in all that."
"I need to let the audience know I'm evil!"
"Who's that?" Sue asked, looking around for another pony. "There's no one out here."
"You'll see."
~
All the way across Equestria, there was a disturbance in the Force. Pony Knights from all across the land began to run towards Ponyville, following the source of the disturbance. Their lightsabers bounced around wildly in the light.
Luke Skytrotter led the charge, riding his Tautaun like no one else. Hoo Solo (This is a horrible pun that is worth censored for the purposes of keeping this rated "Everyone") rode on the Millennium Carriage, which flew at the speed of the ponies pulling it. Luke raised his snout high and yelled:
"FOR NARNIA!"
~ MEANWHILE IN PONYVILLE
Twilight camped in her underground shelter, typically only for when Celestia was trying to find her to tell her a story from med school, safe from the alicorns that warped time and space and every single object that wasn't bolted to the ground. And even then...
But at the moment, Twilight was aware of nothing but the fear of the world. All of her friends had turned into self-obessed egotistical CENSORED who were going around saving kittens and destroying the fabric of reality over a piece of fruit (funny story actually. Might have to write that sometime).
"Why is this happening?" she asked, doing incredibly dramatic crying to make everyone feel sad for her. "Why is our peaceful land becoming this?"
"To destroy the princesses."
Suddenly two alicorns appeared, red and black and more red and even more black. Their wings were obviously perfectly designed for flight and everything about them screamed TOO GOOD FO' YOU!
"Who are you?" Twilight asked, standing up, loosing her tears and mopey attitude. "Did you make every pony an alicorn?"
There was a nod, a few quiet seconds, and suddenly magic exploded everywhere as the ponies tried to kill each other. Lasers shot everywhere, and one finally hit Twilight. She fell down dead, her fur smoking.
"It is time to change the world!" Stu said as he kissed Sue, who suddenly was not at all worried about getting kissed out of nowhere.
As a great pony once said: "Pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, 'cuz there's bugger here in Equestria."
Of course, he would come to regret those words as infinitely intelligent alicorns now roamed the land, part of some crazy master plan that would unfold perfectly despite thousands upon thousands of variables that could not be accounted for.
As Sue and Stu kissed passionately for no reason in Twilight's panic room, things all across Equestria were exploding. Alicorns crossed paths, and everything in a five mile radius evaporated into the void aside from other alicorns. Celestia was reading a very good novel about such a problem when the castle disappeared and suddenly she realized what Luna meant when she said "Alicorns are eating all my bacon!"
Alicorns were devouring every food item in sight, and then reproducing like parasprites. It was super gross.
Celestia clapped her hooves together, a sound that rang into the ears of every living being within a 5 foot radius. The living beings there happened to be guards, who took Celestia's request and returned with her battle armor. She donned it and took off to go solve the alicorn problem.
~
Oprah was in the middle of promoting some book in which the main character liked to strip for the moon when she turned into an alicorn. The book was stupid anyways, so it was not like anyone other than stay at home moms cared about the sudden change. On top of that, a lot of people failed to get cars and that movie she was making was delayed while they got Michael Bay to take her spot. Needless to say, the soft-hearted cooking movie quickly became an action-packed explosion-filled hot women covered film that was about Spongebob.
The crowd gasped in shock as the new Oprah stood and shook her hoof at the ceiling.
"Sue! Stu!" she yelled as she was teleported back to Equestria.
~
Celestia landed in front of Colgate/Minuette, who was spreading toothpaste across her Time Turner, trying to figure out what her name should be.
"What is going on?" she asked the one pony who had conveniently not become an alicorn. Come on, you can never get rid of the info broker! "There are alicorns everywhere!"
"How much is it worth?" Colguette asked, concluding that both names were acceptable.
"Is now the time to ask about money?!"
"Not money. But payment."
"Fine."
Celestia ripped a tooth out of her muzzle and put it on Minugate's lap. The broker gave her a pack of cigarettes.
"Alright, here's what I know," Minugate/Colguette said as Celestia began to smoke. "Some crazy alicorns named Sue and Stu turned everyone into an alicorn. As of now, they've killed Twilight and are planning to kill you. They're going to use the alicorns to do it."
Celestia thanked her and left, flying towards Ponyville, shocked at the news of Twilight's death...
~
Twilight's funeral was attended by absolutely nopony, because there was no funeral. Instead, ponies continued to destroy reality and replace it with gaping black splotches. Celestia went to the panic room and found Twilight, lying dead in the rubble. She wailed a wail of whale-like whalocity. She sobbed sobs of Saab-like sobocity.
Twilight opened her eyes and laughed.
"I fooled those alicorns!" she said happily.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, and Sue and Stu came down from the sky, bearing with them a brown-furred alicorn.
"Oprah!" Twilight yelled, standing.
"Okra?" Celestia asked, looking back and forth between the sky and her student. "How do you know this Okra?"
"She helped make everypony an alicorn!" the lavender alicorn replied, pointing a hoof. "We have to destroy them!"
"Then there will be war!" Stu said, dropping Oprah. "Because this isn't even my final form!"
As he increased in size, Twilight combined with Celestia. They became Twilestia Lagann, a giant battle-armored alicorn combo princess the size of the library.
"WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK WE ARE!" they yelled.
Suddenly, the Millennium Carriage barreled into Ponyville, and laser fire filled the air.
