Chapter 1 (The Only Chapter)
It was a beautiful day in the heart of Russia, but Nopony was there to enjoy it. Nopony smiled happily as she looked out of the window at the streets of the city. "Nopony" was really the name of an earth pony mare, who I might mention is in this book. In the real War and Peace book, her name started with an N, but I forgot what her name was, so I'll just call her 'Nopony.'
Suddenly, the whole tavern exploded as the unicorn Pierre (who I'll just call Bob, because Pierre is hard to pronounce) levitated a grenade to one of the drunken stallions there and asked him to pull the pin. Because it was April Foal's Day, Bob was hoping to yell "April Foal!" at the last second. He did, but the drunken stallion still pulled the pin, and the whole tavern exploded. Fortunately, nopony was hurt (Not Nopony, nopony. This is going to get confusing. Fortunately, the English language dictates that a proper noun should be capitalized, so just keep in mind that when I say "nopony was hurt," I mean that no actual ponies were hurt, but if I say "Nopony was hurt," I'm saying that the mare named Nopony was hurt. Got it? Good. Because I don’t). The pony's (who Bob handed the grenade to) growth was stunted and he went home to France, renaming himself 'Napoleon.'
Bob's cell phone rang and he levitated it to his ear. Recognizing the familiar volume of his father's voice, Bob turned the volume on his cell phone to minimum.
"I'M ALMOST DEAD OVER HERE!" Bob's dad screamed into his end of the line. "SO PLEASE GET OVER HERE TO THE HOSPITAL NOW!!!!!!" There was a loud 'SLAM!' as Bob's father hung up.
Bob stared at his cell phone, aghast. His dad had said 'please!' His situation must be critical! Bob hopped on his Harley and drove out to the hospital. He burst into the hospital room to find his dad jumping up and down on the hospital bed, grinning at him. Bob groaned. "Let me guess..."
His dad smiled and bounced even faster. "April foal!"
Bob groaned again. "Dad, that's the 8th prank call today!"
"Actually, the 11th," his dad corrected, hopping off the bed and trotting over to plaster his face into Bob's. "But, remember, the phone is the most insecure method of communication. Anyway, it'd be nice if you visited the farm."
Nopony smiled happily as they drove into the farm. She stepped out of the carriage, daintily, of course, and fell down a trapdoor.
Bob decided to throw a party for Napoleon to make up, but Napoleon started singing, "Bob's got a fillyfriend! Bob's got a fillyfriend!" in the middle of the party. Bob teleported a pie into Napoleon's face. "This calls for WAR!" Napoleon cried. Soon, everypony in the room was throwing pies at one another. Thus started the Great Pie War of 5 (page 5, that is).
A dark figure stepped out from behind a china cabinet. "This sounds like a job for... ANTBRAIN STALLION!!" he bellowed. He took a step forward, tripped, and fell flat on his face. This had a side effect, however, because he landed on a land mine, which blew up, flinging everypony miles away from each other. Only one pony was hurt: Antbrain Stallion, who broke his nose. Once again, Antbrain Stallion saves the day by ending the Great Pie War of 5! (Coincidentally, 555 pies were used in the war)
"I'll be back!" Napoleon yelled at Bob as he ran away to cry in bed. "And next time, I'll bring more pies!"
Nopony and Blabla (yes, I forgot his name, too) were in a room (NOT KISSING EACH OTHER, OKAY? I CAN'T STAND SHIPPING FICS) when, suddenly, a dark figure burst into the room. "What do you think you’re doing?!" he yelled at Nopony. "I'll report you to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aardvarks!"
"But, Dad!" Nopony objected. "It's not an aardvark! It's Blabla!"
"Oh," her dad answered. "I can never tell the difference." He shut the door.
“Why am I even in the same room with you? You’re ugly.” Nopony told Blabla and jumped out the window.
“Whatever,” Blabla muttered and kept playing his GameColt.
Nopony watched as the Russian soldiers paraded down the streets of the city. Bob was marching along with them. Well, he was, until one soldier saw a one-bit coin in the middle of the street and stopped to pick it up. The soldiers behind him ran into him and soon the once proud army was a pile of forelegs and hindlegs.
"This sounds like a job for... ANTBRAIN STALLION!" a voice said as a dark figure stepped out from behind a building. Of course, everypony ignored him. They were too busy laughing at the army.
"Why are they going to war?" Nopony asked her dad when she finally quit laughing.
"Well, Napoleon is invading Russia because he’s still mad at Bob," her dad answered. "Come knocking on our front door, will he? We'll show him who's boss!"
Just then, there was a knock at their front door. Hurrying to open it, Nopony's dad saw Napoleon and his army!
"Where's Bob?" Napoleon demanded. "I've got a score to settle with him!"
"He just left with the army," Nopony's dad replied.
"Nonsense!" Napoleon cried. "We defeated them five days ago!!"
"They just left!" he insisted.
"Rats," Napoleon said. "I never foal anypony. But anyway, I'll be back once I defeat them, and then I'll raid your larders! So run while you can! HA HA HA!" He turned around to his bazookateers. "Move out, stallions!" he bellowed. He dramatically cantered off into the sunset. Well, it was dramatic until he slipped on a banana peel and fell to the ground. Then he lost composure.
Bob looked at the approaching army of Napoleon. Each soldier was heavily armed with pie-flinging bazookas. It was a dramatic view from this hilltop.
"Sergeant!" a stallion yelled at Bob.
"I'm not a sergeant! I'm a private!" Bob yelled back.
"Well, now you are!" the stallion said.
"No, I'm not! Or I'll demote you to corporal!"
"But I'm already lower than corporal!"
"Then how are you promoting me?"
The other pony just grinned. Bob groaned. The other pony nodded. "April foal!" Bob groaned again.
Napoleon's army marched briskly up the gorge towards Russia's army.
"FIRE!" yelled the commander of Russia's army and the piecannons shot pies into Napoleon's army. Somepony sprayed him in the face with a fire extinguisher and he leapt back, screaming. In seconds, Russia's army was in disarray. Soon, though, they all settled down again and the dramatic music played once more.
Napoleon's army marched briskly up the gorge towards Russia's army, when suddenly, the bushes parted and out stepped a dark figure. It was a small, unbelievably cute pegasus filly named Denise McKinsley. She stood right in the way of Napoleon's army.
"Move out of the way," one of the soldiers in the front growled.
"Don't you tell me what to do!" she answered and crouched into a karate stance. "HEIYA!" She gave the soldier an uppercut that sent him crashing to the ground. She tripped another soldier and sent another one into unconsciousness with a kick to the forehead. One soldier fired a pie at her but she deftly grabbed it out of midair with one wing and smashed it in his face. She fought her way to Napoleon and challenged him to a one-on-one.
Napoleon levitated off his hat, revealing his unicorn horn. "This won't take long," he gloated. "I'm a black belt in tofu, AND I know super special awesome magic spells that are so amazing, they'll turn you into a frog. Or a turtle. Or a snail. Or a gigantic octopus who will surely die because octopi aren't supposed to be outside of water, and it's really hot and sunny today and-"
She sent him sprawling with an uncomplicated kick to the forehead.
Within minutes, Napoleon's entire army was in complete chaos. In fact, the Russians would've won if Denise's Mom hadn't have told her to stop beating up "Those poor ponies."
With her out of the way, the French stopped cowering in fear and renewed their attack.
A stallion beside Bob yelled and fell to the ground, a pie in his face. Bob lifted him up onto his back and carried him into the woods, looking for a medic. For hours, Bob marched through the woods, carrying the wounded pony. He continued marching until somepony helpfully pointed out that if he wanted to get anywhere, he should get off the treadmill. Bob did, and he soon found a medic.
"You're too late," the medic said. "He suffered from binomial electromagnetic poodles. He's dead."
Bob sighed and set the pony down.
The "dead" pony started laughing uproariously. "HA HA HAA! I foaled you both! HA HAAH HAA!" he said and continued laughing until the medic bashed him over the head with an anvil then a piano. "There. He should be much better now," The medic said.
"AACK!" Nopony screamed but forced another bite.
"Come on, we gotta eat all of this food, or else Napoleon will get it." her brother Billy said. (Can you believe it? I also forgot his name)
"Hey, wait a minute!" their dad said. "We could just leave with all of our food and then Napoleon wouldn't get it."
"What a great idea!" Nopony said.
"Aw, rats!" Billy said. "Just when I get to eat all I want."
They left the very loud and large city in which they and about ten other ponies lived in their SUVs laden with food. Suddenly, from the sky, swooped down Napoleon's airplanes! They began dropping atomic bombs on the SUVs. Fortunately, laser guidance hadn't been invented yet, so they all missed.
Suddenly, the Dow Jones stock took a turn for the worse and technology as a whole began spiraling downward. Everypony forgot how to research and develop. The plane's pilots forgot how to drop bombs and the bombs forgot how to blow up. The armies weren't affected, though, because pies are pretty low on the technology totem pole, anyway.
"Why have you stopped dropping bombs?" one plane pilot demanded over the intercom.
"We forgot how." Came the reply.
"What! You boardheads forgot how to drop bombs? I'll blow you out of the sky!"
"Not if I blow you up first!"
The planes began blowing each other up. It was quite an amazing sight. Ponies from miles around gathered together to watch the 'fireworks.' Nopony and her family drove safely all the way to Siberia, and Napoleon's Luftwaffe was completely annihilated.
"Wait a minute!" Nopony suddenly cried. "I just remembered something! It's cold in Siberia!"
Her dad stopped the car in shock, causing total confusion, evil, and chaos on the road behind him, which he promptly ignored. "Why......you're right! I'm glad you remembered that!"
"And besides," Nopony added, "I have a ball that I need to go to."
"What's a ball?" Billy asked.
Nopony leaned up close to him and dropped a hoof over his shoulder. "Well, Billy, when two tennis rackets love each other very much, they hit a ball back and forth and..."
"I CAN’T STAND SHIPPING FICS!" Billy screamed.
Suddenly, Bob glanced down at his watch, which was conveniently strapped to his wrist because he's all hip and trendy and stuff. Oh, no! He could be late for the ball! "Time out!" He yelled. Everypony stopped fighting. "Sorry, I've got some business that I need to attend to," he said and left.
The ball was in full swing. Everypony was there, but only one pony was unhappy. 'If Nopony looks at me one more time, I'll scream,' Blabla thought. Nopony looked at him.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Blabla screamed at the top of his lungs. Everypony else was so startled that they all began screaming as well. The extremely loud commotion popped the eardrums of Blabla's chihuahua, and the poor dog went ballistic. It shot between everypony's legs, causing them to trip and fall and scream even more. So much chaos resulted that some people thought that Napoleon was invading.
Suddenly, the door was thrown open. There in the doorway stood Napoleon! He really was invading!
"Unfair! Unfair!" Bob yelled, bouncing up and down in rage. "I didn't say 'time in' yet!"
"I don't play by the rules," Napoleon sneered and levitated his pie rifle to his fat ugly face, sighting down the scope at Bob.
Just then, Blabla's dog shot up and latched onto Napoleon's left foreleg with its teeth.
"AAAAUGH!" Napoleon yelled and jumped on three legs while swatting at the dog. The chihuahua hung on still.
"This sounds like a job for... LEAFBRAIN STALLION!!" A dark figure stepped out from behind a barrel. "That name has a better ring to it, doesn't it?" He charged forward but tripped over a candle, which rolled to a stop beside the barrel, which contained gunpowder.
The entire building blew up in a giant fireball. Fortunately, only Leafbrain Stallion was hurt, as he stubbed his hoof on the aforementioned candle. Once again, Leafbrain Stallion saves the day!
Nopony found her dad and Billy in the chaos and they decided that maybe they really should go to Siberia.
Russia's prime minister (I'll call him Ted) slammed his forehoof on the table in frustration. "You WHAT?" he bellowed at the scout.
"We, uh, lost the first battle, sir." the scout squeaked.
"What have I told you all time and time again? You win the first battle, and you win THE WAR! I've got deadlines! I've got schedules! And you go and lose the first battle! What's up with that?!"
"Uh, patience is a virtue, sir," the scout whimpered.
"Patience is a virtue! Slow and steady wins the race! That's all I ever hear!" Ted roared. "Sure patience is a virtue! But the sooner we defeat Napoleon, THE BETTER!" Do you want him to get more reinforcements? Do you want our troops to freeze this winter?" He slammed his hoof on the table again. "YOU ARE DISMISSED!"
Bob watched Napoleon and his army enter the city from the vantage point of a so-called "haunted house." He was a tad bit shaky but really wanted to shoot Napoleon with his pie rifle. Bob sighted down the rifle and took aim.
Suddenly, something tapped Bob on the shoulder. He screamed and whirled around, firing his only shot into the face of the "ghost." Leafbrain Stallion fell back, the pie in his face. "Oops," Bob said.
Bob snuck out of the house. The silence in the city was deafening. A scream rang out. That was REALLY deafening. Another scream rang out, rising to a loud wail. "Leafbrain Stallion's been shot!"
"That's ok," another pony said. "I never really liked him anyway."
"I'm all right," Leafbrain Stallion said, jumping to his hooves, which caused him to hit his head on a conveniently placed noodle.
"Rats," said somepony else. "Just when you think that you're rid of him."
Suddenly, a dark figure stepped out from behind a building. It was Napoleon! He aimed his pie rifle at Bob. "Freeze!" he yelled.
Bob froze.
"Hey, why did you stop moving?" Napoleon asked Bob.
"You told me to freeze," Bob replied.
"Oh! Uh, well, uh, actually, I was talking to the pie. I like frozen desserts, don't you?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever," Bob answered skeptically. He pulled out his phone and began texting.
"POW!" Napoleon began yelling. "POW! POW! POW! I love the word! POW! POW! HA HAAH HAAAH! POW! POW! POW! HA HAAAH!"
"Huh?" Bob realized that he owned an iPhone and threw it into a nearby fireplace.
Napoleon mistook this question as being directed at him. "POW! Don't you realize it?" Napoleon asked. "POW! Prisoner Of War! POW! It's what you are! POW! POW! POW! HA HAAAAHAAAA!" He grabbed Bob and forcefully levitated him into the middle of his army. "Here is where you will stay! If you start slacking, you'll get shot! POW! POW! HAA! HAA! POW! POW! HAA HAAA HAH!
"Move out, everypony! Let's go home!" he called to his army.
"Why?" a soldier asked. "We could just keep going and conquer the entire Tri-State Area."
Napoleon's jaw dropped open in shock. "Why! What a great idea!" he exclaimed. "All right, then! Forward, men! March! Go left, right, left, right, wait a minute! Left, POW! Left, POW! Left, POW! Left..."
"POW! Left! POW! Left!" the soldiers chanted.
"NOOOOOO!!!" Napoleon bellowed. "It's left, POW! Left, POW! Not 'POW! Left! POW! Left!'"
"Oh, sorry," the soldiers replied.
"Left, POW! Left, POW! Left, POW....." They continued marching.
Bob grew more and more hungry. When would they stop to eat? Suddenly, Bob realized it. Of course! Why hadn't he thought of that before? He stopped marching.
SPLAT! A pie landed on his chest. He smashed his face into it and began eating. Yum!
SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!SPLAT! SPLAT! Tons of pies landed near Bob. He glanced up from his pie to see Russian soldiers sweeping over a hilltop. Napoleon's army was under attack!
Recognizing an opportunity, Bob jumped off the Empire State Building and landed on a huge trampoline that immediately disintegrated. (Sorry. That's what happens when my brother Paul sees me typing a story and decides to type some on it too.)
Anyway, Recognizing an opportunity, Bob jumped into his pie and rolled all around, slathering himself with whipped cream in the process. He lay down in the snow. Now he was hardly visible. What a brilliant disguise! Of course, he could've just covered himself with snow, but that thought didn't even cross his mind.
The battle raged on. The Russians were winning! Well, they were, until Denise McKinsley got a little confused. Then, the Russians lost. Oh, well. All superponies have their moments.
"Even... LEAFBRAIN STALLION!!" a voice bellowed.
He stepped out from behind a tree and charged down a hill into the melee. Unfortunately for him, he looks sort of like Bob. Napoleon thought that he was Bob and made him his "POW." Bob made good his escape.
"Get moving!" Napoleon yelled at Leafbrain Stallion. "You are my POW! HAAAH HAAA! HAA! POW!POW!POW!POW!POW!POW!POW!"
"This is a real job for Leafbrain Stallion." Leafbrain Stallion grumbled.
"Left, POW! Left, POW!" Napoleon screamed.
Left, trip! Left, trip! Leafbrain Stallion tried to keep pace.
Napoleon turned around and frowned at Leafbrain Stallion. "What's wrong with you? Your face isn't slightly less uncoordinated than usual!" he blabbled. "I don't even know what I just said, but it was brilliant!"
Leafbrain Stallion grinned weakly. "Walking isn't one of my specialties."
Napoleon's jaw dropped. "You're.......you're not Bob!"
He let Leafbrain Stallion go......right into the insane asylum where he belonged.
"Good!" said Napoleon. "Now we're rid of him."
They continued marching into the heart of Russia and Bob made it safely to Siberia.
Napoleon's army continued marching. Within an hour, they got to Chineigh. They stared up at the Great Wall.
"How are we supposed to get in there?" a soldier asked.
"Look!" another soldier pointed to a sign on a door that read: "PLEASE KNOCK."
Napoleon tapped on the door with a forehoof.
Attila the Fun trotted up to the edge of the Chineighse Wall and surveyed Napoleon's army with distaste. He burst out laughing. "You foal, Napoleon!" he shouted. "You come against me with pie rifles! My army has laser guns, lightsabers, and spaceships!" Attila laughed so hard that he nearly fell off the wall, but he didn't because that would have made the upcoming epic battle never happen, and everypony loves epic battles.
"What do we do now?" a pegasus soldier asked Napoleon. "We can't even get up the wall!"
Napoleon stared at the pegasus for a moment. "I have absolutely no idea!" It was kind of an ironic moment, but nopony noticed the irony, since the Dow Jones was still down. In case the Dow Jones is still down by the time you’re reading this, I’ll remind you that pegasus ponies can fly. And plz buy more stocks to raise the Dow Jones so that you get all the jokes next time. Kthx.
"This sounds like a job for... LEAFBRAIN STALLION!!" bellowed a voice. He stepped out from behind a statue. "Ha ha! I escaped from the insane asylum!"
"Oh, no!" screamed a soldier. "He belongs in the insane asylum!"
"This sounds like a job for... SANDHEAD STALLION!!"
"Yeah!" Bellowed a burly white pegasus. "Sick that leafhead dude!"
"My name is Leafbrain Stallion." Leafbrain Stallion corrected.
"This sounds like a job for... SOUNDSLIKEAJOBFOR COLT!!" yet another voice bellowed.
The soldiers stopped cheering. "I have a feeling that this is going to get out of hoof," said one.
"This sounds like a job for... BOARDHEAD STALLION!!"
"This sounds like a job for... BELLBRAIN STALLION!!"
"This sounds like a job for... NUCLEAR WARHEAD FILLY!!"
"This sounds like a job for... MR. FATTY!!"
"This sounds like a job for... PATHETICO COLT!!"
"This sounds like a job for... SLOBBERMOUTH STALLION!!"
"Told you." moaned the soldier.
Then, when stupidity was at its worst, when all seemed lost, a more intelligent voice broke the silence.
"This sounds like a job for... the author!"
Okay, maybe not that much more intelligent.
I charged down the hill I was on and with a flashing of lasers, a flutter of force fields, a spinning of lightsabers, and maybe some neat sound effects, all of the stuporheroes were dumped in a heap in the Arab Desert, far away. I made my exit.
Napoleon's eyes brightened. Why, of course! Lasers! The thought had never occurred to him before! He began scratching a diagram of a laser gun in the dirt. With his horn, which wasn't all that efficient, since there was a stick right beside him. But we won't bother disturbing him and telling him that minor detail, because he's about to be brilliant.
This thought entered his mind because the Dow Jones stock began going up.
Suddenly, one of Napoleon's soldiers, whose name was Paul Revere, galloped up to Napoleon. "The Bitish are coming! The Bitish are coming!" he yelled. Napoleon looked up. Sure enough, the Bitish armies were sweeping over a hilltop, armed to the teeth with pie rifles. Literally. You know, because they're earth ponies and stuff. Yeah, that's totally what I meant when I typed that sentence. Anyhoo, Napoleon looked at nearby trees, then at his piecannons, which had large mouths so that you could fit pies in. He grinned.
The Bitish armies swept towards Napoleon's army while Napoleon's stallions coolly leaned against a huge pile of cut-down trees, watching the Bitish draw closer and closer.
"Fire!" Napoleon yelled and with a deafening roar, the cannons shot big and small trees alike into the ranks of the Bitish army. Tons of Bitish soldiers were knocked over by the flying trees, though none were hurt. The Bitish fled. Napoleon's army was victorious!
Napoleon and his stallions turned around back to the Chineighse Wall. They were now heavily armed with laser guns and lightsabers. Napoleon's stallions blasted a huge hole in the Great Wall of Chineigh and swarmed in, shooting any Funs that showed their faces when suddenly, giant missiles exploded in the ranks of Napoleon's stallions, but they kept fighting and they were winning as they galloped to the moat of Attila's castle and began galloping across the bridge, despite the missiles exploding nearby, despite the arc lasers flying over their heads and cutting into the water to their right and left, and despite the constant firing from above, from the castle walls, they plodded doggedly on, and one by one, entered the castle and began storming into it, firing their laser guns into the ranks of their enemy; Attila the Fun, who, at the moment, stood, wide-eyed, at the window of his room and watched, dumbfounded, as Napoleon's army continued fighting desperately, gaining ground as surely and as slowly as incoming waves on a seashore when the tide is coming in, gaining ground and storming into Attila the Fun's castle, slowly and doggedly driving their way like a wedge chopping down a tree on the island of Sacramaneto, driving their way into Attila's defenses, which crumbled like sandstone under a hammer in Nova Coltia under the sheer ferocity of Napoleon's stallions, who kept fighting, pushing their way into the castle's keep and forcing Attila the Fun to surrender his army, his land, his castle, and his flag that flew above the castle, which Napoleon's army replaced with the French flag to let the whole world know that Napoleon was VICTORIOUS!
(How's that for a run-on sentence?)
Napoleon made Attila the Fun his "POW."
"This sounds like a job for... LEAFBRAIN STALLION!" a voice bellowed, then continued speaking. "The thing is, I'm not Leafbrain Stallion, so you all will have to settle for less."
Out from the bushes stepped Joe Toyota, maker of quality cars. He revved his pickup's engine up to speed and drove like a madpony towards Napoleon's army.
The army screamed and started to run away. Joe chased them in his car and they ran all the way across Chineigh to the Pacific ocean, where they stopped. They could go no further; they were trapped!
"This sounds like a job for... LEAFBRAIN STALLION!!" called a voice. "Hey, I'm not coordinated, but I can get to the Pacific from the Arab Desert in 5 minutes! That in itself is a superpower! Though in this story, it's really not all that impressive." He ran to Joe Toyota's car and latched onto the tailgate with his teeth. Joe swerved the car to the left and right, but Leafbrain Stallion hung on still. Suddenly, Joe Toyota had a brainwave. Maybe Leafbrain Stallion couldn't swim! He drove his car into the Pacific. Leafbrain Stallion let go of the tailgate and watched as the car drove into the Pacific and stalled out. Haha, geddit? STALLed out? Like a stable stall? Ok, nevermind. Joe was forced to abandon his car and swim. When he got back to shore, Napoleon made him his "POW," as he had lost Attila the Fun in the great chase.
Once again, Leafbrain Stallion saves the day!
Napoleon grabbed Leafbrain Stallion. "Let's see if you can escape from the insane asylum again!" he said.
"Sorry," Leafbrain Stallion grinned. "The Chineighse don't believe in insane asylums."
"Then I'll just tie you up and throw you into the sea!" Napoleon sneered.
Oh, the horror!
"This sounds like a job for... LEAFBRAIN COLT!!" cried a young voice. He pointed at Leafbrain Stallion. "I'm his son." He charged towards Napoleon. He tripped and fell to the ground. This had a side effect, however, because this sprayed sand into Napoleon's eyes. Napoleon screamed and put his forehooves up to wipe away the sand. Doing this, he let go of Leafbrain Stallion. Which was dumb to begin with, since he should have been holding him with his magic. Like a flash, Leafbrain Stallion and Colt were running away as fast as they could.
"AFTER THEM!" Napoleon yelled as he and his army gave chase.
Joe Toyota grinned as he watched them leave. In their haste, they had forgotten about him. He started trotting back home to Siberia, whistling all the way, but fell down a manhole.
Napoleon and his stallions chased Leafbrain Stallion and Colt up hills, down hills, across ravines, through thickets, and across plains. They kept chasing and chasing and chasing. They still chased them when the grass underhoof turned into sand and the trees around them turned into cactus plants. They kept chasing until it simultaneously dawned on everypony where they were. Everypony stopped running. They were in the middle of the Arab Desert!
"Hey," Leafbrain Stallion said, tapping his watch. "It took me 5 minutes to get to the Pacific from here, but it only took 3 minutes to get back!"
"Uh, Dad, your watch is broken," Leafbrain Colt said.
"Oh."
KABOOM! Something exploded. Everypony glanced up.
Nuclear Warhead Filly casually juggled 3 atomic bombs on the other side of a giant crater. This would be kind of impressive, but she was a unicorn, and a unicorn "juggling" with magic is just lame by definition.
Sandhead Stallion was having the time of his life. He was trying to drill a hole in his head so that he could put more sand in and thus have more brainpower.
"Uh, oh," Paul Revere said.
"This sounds like a job for... DENISE MCKINSLEY!" Bellowed a voice.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Everypony else screamed and began running away. She chased them.
They ran and ran and ran. Nopony (Well, crap, that's at the beginning of a sentence, and thus capitalized. Now you'll never be able to tell if I'm referring to Nopony or nopony! HAHAHAHA!) even noticed when they crossed the Atlantic Ocean and into the U.S. They kept running and running and running until they got to the Grand Canyon. Here they stopped. They were trapped!
"Look!" a soldier said and pointed to a bridge that spanned the canyon. They all began to run onto it.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fatty was named that for a reason. His weight alone exceeded the bridge's weight limit.
With a loud 'CRACK!' the bridge broke in half and it and everypony on it fell down into the canyon.
Denise McKinsley doubled over on the ground laughing.
Everypony else fell until they and the broken remains of the bridge landed on the bottom of the canyon. Fortunately, nopony was hurt. Unfortunately, the noise of them (especially Mr. Fatty) landing caused a shock wave that shattered both sides of the canyon. Both sides of the canyon collapsed in a tremendous double avalanche. Everypony screamed and began running. Nuclear Warhead Filly accidentally dropped a missile which blew up, flinging everypony out of the Grand Canyon. They all landed in France as a giant tangle of forelegs and hindlegs. A police officer trotted up to them, grinning.
"Napoleon!" he said. "You're back!" He turned to the stuporponies. "Thanks! We've been after this guy for centuries!" He hoofcuffed Napoleon, which was pointless because he was a unicorn and all that, and ponies kind of need their legs to walk. "Guess what your jail sentence is!" he yodeled. "You get to be marooned on an island!"
Napoleon started wailing as the policepony dragged him off to the police station.
Once again, the day is saved, thanks to all the stuporponies working together!
"Wow!" a soldier said. "This would be a good spot to end the book."
"Not in your life!" Pathetico Colt said. "Us stuporponies still have a score to settle with you soldiers!"
"Yeah!" Bellbrain Stallion agreed.
"I'd like to see you try!" Paul Revere taunted and unbuckled his lightsaber from his belt, levitating it up to point it at Pathetico Colt.
Nuclear Warhead Filly readied a bomb. Then, she looked at it curiously. "Now how do I get this thing to blow up?"
Paul Revere looked at his lightsaber. "How do I get this thing to turn on?"
Another soldier looked at his laser gun. "How do I get this thing to fire?"
"Oh, rats!" a soldier grumbled. "How can we fight if the Dow Jones keeps going down?"
"How about the old fashioned way?" yet another soldier suggested. He stood up on his hindlegs, holding his forelegs up in a boxing stance.
"Yeah!" The other soldiers agreed. They all got ready for a fistfight. They charged toward the stuporheroes. Well, more like stumbled, really, since walking on two legs is kind of hard for ponies to do.
Unfortunately, one of them stepped on a button that read "Do not step on this button." The entire world blew up in a gigantic fireball.
Don't worry, readers, nopony was hurt. In fact, the fireball was a hologram and the world remained intact.
The sun turned from yellow to crimson and slowly yet gently settled below the horizon, across a vast plain of ice called the Arctic Ocean.
"Wow," Nopony said as the sun set. "Did all of that really happen in one day? That was a long day!"
"Dinner's ready!" Billy called to her.
"Okay, I'm coming!" Nopony answered.
"April foal!" Billy yelled.
Nopony punched his lights out.
THE END