This here is a short story that came to me as I sat in the shade of a Humvee, eating an MRE. It's a little funny and a little sad, and it is the tale of how a mare named Jade became the afterlife receptionist for Ponyville.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 14th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Dec 26th, 2017
Another Army Brony
One of the few Bronies in the Army, I decided to try my hand at writing down my ideas. It's been over 4 years now, and I found that I enjoy this.
Another Army Brony
Joined 14th Nov, 2011 ·
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Wow. I like.
2482181
Really? Well... Thank you. I'm happy to hear it, especially since the story is as rough as it is right now.
This concept is a new one to me. I think that it definitely should be expanded to more chapters.
Tho how you would do that completely escapes me. However you have about 22,000 Equestrian years to pick from so you could bring anypony you wanted through the doors during her ten years of service. Will upvote and follow to see what happens
2482271
Oh, I have an idea for another chapter or two, though not much more than that. We will not see her through the whole span of her time as receptionist, as I specifically wish to avoid any of the mane six.
At any rate, I'm glad you like it so far. I will be sure to give it a good polish, and I look forward to closing this story out.
It's pretty remarkably free from errors for being a rough draft. I only noticed a couple of spelling issues.
If you write more of this, I'll read it.
2482493
I tried to get them all, but it is incredibly difficult to do so on a tablet. Thank you for your feedback, though. Now, just imagine how good it will be with a little bit of polish... :)
This actually surprised me. I didn't expect this to be so well preformed. Well done!
2482928
Why, thank you! Honestly, I Was not expecting this to be so well liked.
2483230
ou're darn right it messes with your head... as well as other bodily functions.
2483545
Some days, I'd rather chance the MRE than the food at the chow kitchen.
An original story that was worth reading.
This concept is so amazing! It has so much potential and so many opportunities! I can't wait to see what you come up with
2483752
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Oh, the things you think of while you're stuck in the desert for five weeks... :Pinkiecrazy:
2483803
I'm actually pretty surprised at how well it came out, for a rough draft. I'll explore some of the possibilities, though my true intention is to keep it short and sweet.
Very neat concept! I'm wanting to see where this is going
Although I do find it hilarious that this is a slice of -life- considering the idea of the story. Keep up the good work!
2483902
Yeah, I had myself a bit of a chuckle at that as well. Hopefully, I can pull this off as well as everybody wants me to...
very well written! keep up the good work
2484488
Thank you, I do try my very best. Now, all I have to do is live up to your expectations...
This... THIS... THis is amazing!!!! Make these chapters longer!!! WHen's the next update!? :O
Boop.
I like it.
2484809
I would make the chapter longer, buy that's about the limit of the word processors capabilities on my tablet. There might be another chapter in the next few days, if all goes well.
2485020
Boop.
Thank you.
2485127
Boop.
It was my pleasure.
2484506 Just continue the same way and I believe most will be happy.
2485140
Boop.
Thank you kindly. Also, these comments remind me of pong.
2485145
That's what I planned. Don't mess with success, and such.
2485236
Boop.
Well I don't plan to lose this game of comment pong.
Other than that, this is great. I loved it. Hope you write more.
I liked it.
I couldn't help but get a bit of a Harry Potter vibe from the line 'I stood there for a moment, wondering what it must have been like to live a life so long and full of love and happiness that death should come as an old friend.'
Anyway, it's really interesting and I love the idea. Anything supernatural always draws me in.
2485268
Boop.
It seems that I've found a worthy opponent.
2485286
Fixed it! Thank you for pointing that out.
2485295
Now that you mention it, so do I. I'm glad you like it, and I'm happy that it's been so well received
2485363
Boop.
Lets just hope it doesn't last as long as my last one.
Fourteen years, it was quite the battle.
2485388
Boop.
I'm stuck in the desert for the next month. I've got nothing if not time. Signal strength and internet connection...not so much.
2485426
Boop.
Seems like this will be a long battle.
This is pretty good. It deals with the tragedy that anyone can die at anytime.
It's sad really
. But nonetheless I will await further updates.
As everyone is saying, it is very good. interesting variety of people you use. And if you need to, you can always go with the cop out that the mane 6 all became alicorns and so were functionally immortal so as to avoid including them.
The Belle part...it was so ... blugh..
Bravo on the feels sir. Now if you will excuse me, I seem to have come down with a case of liquid pride.
2485441
Boop.
Indeed, it shall.
2485500
Life is fragile, delicate. Sometimes, it seems like people die just to drive home this very fact to make us appreciate our loved ones, just a little bit more.
Dude, what ever was in that MRE must have been amaaaazing if you came up with this while eating it...
Alright, well, I'd like to say that while this is good, I was a little frustrated at a few parts. The end of the first scene where you mention that "that was how I became a receptionist for the afterlife". You even mention that you're omitting a bunch of stuff, which is exactly how I was feeling. It would be much better in my opinion if you actually showed us what she says/does; it would give you a great opportunity to showcase a bit more of her character. As it is, I think it's a lot of unused potential.
The conversation with Clay was... Awkward... Partially because, well... You used a lot of Ellipsis... Which made it sound... Like they were high... Or something... (Not trying to be rude, just making a point) Plus, where did this whole "ten years" thing come from? I think you could explain that a bit better, perhaps in that part I mentioned earlier.
Anyway, that was what I didn't like. What I did like:
1. The conversation with Clay really hit me in the gut, because it implied that there could have been a relationship there, but it will never be, because they're dead. Arrrg, my tear ducts...
2. The whole scene with the filly. ARRRRG, MY TEAR DUCTS.
2485566
Yeah, I had some feels on that one too. I have another way to avoid the mane six, but you'll have to wait and see.
Wow. That was pretty good.
2485593
Meatball marinara will do that to you...
2485619
You make a good point and I too feel like I left a bit out. With the ellipses, I was trying to convey the halting manner of their speech as they grappled with the weight of their new situation. And there was definitely meant to be some allusion to a spark between Clay and Jade, but that will come to light soon enough. As for Belle... Well, there is a bit more in the works that is of similar emotional impact. This too shall come in time.
2483902
Damn, beat me to the punch
Liking the idea. Can't wait to read more!!
You, sir, have earned yourself a fav.
Damn, that was a powerful opening. I really hope you plan on continuing this because its REALLY good.
MY EYES ARE LEAKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
2485793
There is more on the way, I promise you. Now, all I have to do is live up to your expectations...
2485833
Thank you for that. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
2485843
I do plan on continuing the story, if only for a short while.
2485860
I know the feeling well...
moar?
Well, this is certainly interesting.
A former mortal shall be immortal...for ten relative years.
Awaiting further releases.
2485999
It's being written, fret not.
SO MUCH LIQUID PRIDE.
This story is gonna get me right in the feels every chapter, isn't it? That said, I love it. Unique concept. Reminds me of a short I was going to do about the Equestrian equivalent of an internet receptionist. XD Can't wait for more.
my room is flooded with tear
2485983
Good. Gooooooooood.
You could actually make a series of this, of characters from the show AND characters from other fics dying and coming to the afterlife. now that would be interesting. :3