Dog Run
I'm bored. Everyone's talking. Why? Talking's dumb. We should be doing something. Somewhere. I don't know. I'm bored.
I look at me, 'cause I'm lying down and bored. Sky-color hair. Cloud-color tail. Hammer on my butt. A good hammer, a branch grown around a big rock, not a dumb one made of metal. Though even a good hammer is kind of dumb. I don't need a hammer. I have hooves. Hooves are better than a hammer, 'cause you can't drop them, and they smash stuff just as good. My hooves smash stuff really good. The hammer was there after my first raid, when I smashed more stuff than even Zorg, and he's an ogre! Was an ogre. Shouldn't have tried to take my food, Zorg. Mmm, food.
Hey, I smell food. Where? There! Yay, food! I wag my tail and lick the human who gave me the food. He laughs and scratches me behind the ears and says something. Words don't matter 'cause they're dumb, but he sounded nice, so that's nice.
Om nom nom yum yay food.
Mmm. Good food. Sweet stuff and green stuff and dry crunchy stuff and dry not-crunchy stuff and a little meat. Meat's okay. Not as yum, but it keeps you strong, and not keeping yourself strong is dumb.
Are we still sitting around? Really? Who talks this much? Why? I whine a little and frown. This is so duuuumb. This is worse than the purple horn-pony!
Ugh, the purple horn-pony. I growl a little as I remember her. We'd just chased off another clan and made camp, and she just showed up right in the middle! How dare she? This was our territory! If she going to just show up before we could even get a cookfire going, then she should've challenged us properly, with lots of shouting and running at the camp from outside.
Though cookfires are kind of dumb. I don't get why humans like burning food. Humans are weird sometimes, even clanmates.
Not as weird as the purple horn-pony, with all her weird, dumb shiny clothes and her weird, dumb burnt smell and her weird, dumb words that were even dumber than normal words. And she didn't even stay and fight! She just left as quick as she came! Hopped in and out of our territory quick as she pleased! Spat in our faces!
If I find her again, I'm gonna find her and stomp her and stomp her again. And maybe another time for good measure.
"Screw Loose!"
Oh, hey, my name! Names are weird, but good-weird. They're words, but they're not dumb. Can't remember many others, though.
Oh, but it's Rutvi! Rutvi's my friend, and friends are great, even when they're humans. I trot up to him and look up to him and wag my tail and smile.
Rutvi smiles, too. Smiles! Yay! He talks, and I listen, 'cause we're friends, and friend-words are less dumb than most words. "Wanna go for a raid?"
A raid? A raid! Woohoo! No more talking! No more sitting around! Just running and shouting and stomping and fun! I jump and bark and pant and bark again.
Rutvi laughs. "Great! Come on." Then he runs off.
I follow, 'cause why wouldn't I? Raid! Fun!
I run and Rutvi runs and everyone in the clan who isn't too young or pregnant or guarding them runs. Glad I'm not pregnant. I'm the only pony-wolf in the clan. Rutvi says I'm the only pony-wolf ever. No pony-not-wolves in the clan either, though. Sometimes that makes me sad, but I have friends and food and fun and that's good so I don't need other ponies. It'd be nice when I get hot, but then I'd get pregnant and couldn't raid which would be dumb and boring and dumb. Extra dumb. And boring.
We're running over dead buildings. There's rock and fake rock and metal and shinies everywhere. I'm raiding, so I can't stop and look at shinies. Every time my hooves hit fake rock, it gets smashed. When they hit real rock, it doesn't. Some clanmates say I ruin the fake rock, but they shouldn't be making weapons out of it anyway. It's dumb and weak. You're already a little weak if you need a weapon. Don't make a weak weapon! That's dumb. Use real rock. My clanmates are kind of dumb sometimes, but not as dumb as not-clanmates, so I don't have to stomp them. Except sometimes I do, but they start it. Trying to take my food is starting it. Dumb Zorg.
Everyone's starting to shout. We're almost there!
...
Um, where's there? I don't see anything. No, I see a hole. We're raiding a hole? How do you raid a hole?
Everyone's charging into the hole. I guess I'll find out.
This hole is weird!
Everything's wet and smells weird and doesn't smash right. I stomp it and it goes squish and then I have squish all over my hoof and I have to scrape it off and then my hoof smells weird. Or I stomp it and it goes less squish and it's not smashed. Or I stomp it and nothing happens. At all. I'm the best at smashing! Why won't this dumb hole smash!?
I wipe my eyes with the hoof with less squish on it. I'm not crying. Crying's dumb and weak and for babies that are dumb and weak. I walk further down into the dumb, squishy, weird-smelling hole, down the ledge that goes around and around and down and down. My clan is still here. I can hear the shouts and screams as they smash people. Smashing people isn't as fun as smashing buildings or things, but I guess it'll be better than no smashing at all.
Hey, what's that? Is that food? There's a hole in the wall here, a cave, I guess. There's food in the cave! I trot in. Green food everywhere! I look around. There's no dirt, just water and squish. Weird. This food is weird. But it's still food. Hmm...
As I look at all the food, some of it starts to look back! Well, it doesn't have eyes, but it's definitely pointing bits at me! Take this! Nom!
I chew the pointing bit a few times before I realize I just ate weird food. It doesn't taste weird, though. It actually tastes good. I eat a few more pointing bits.
By the time I swallow, the bits have grown back! Could... could it be? Endless food? This is the best weird hole ever!
Hey, what's that smell?
I take a deep sniff. It smells like pony. Huh. Any ponies here will be weird, but they'll still be ponies. Ponies are kind of a clan, so we're kind of clanmates, so we could be friends. Friends are great, and the weird pointy food was yum, so maybe weird friends won't be too bad.
I track the scent. It's coming from in a big, dangly pile of food. This smells weird, so I don't eat any. I just nose it aside and find the pony.
Aw, it's a horn-pony. Horn-ponies are always weird. But it is a mare, so she can't get me pregnant, which is good, 'cause I'm on a raid now, and if I don't know what to do if I get pregnant during a raid. She's almost the same color as the dangle-food, but her mane and tail are closer to my mane and tail. Her eyes are pretty and coin-colored. Coins are extra-super-dumb, but her eyes aren't.
I smile and bark and wag my tail.
She just stares at me and says words. I listen, 'cause I want to be friends. "Luna above, what are you?"
I don't get it. I bark and wag my tail again.
She seems scared. Well, I am strong and fast and the best at smashing, but I'm being nice!
I wrinkle my nose. Ugh, she wet herself. Yeah, she's scared. I whine, 'cause I didn't want her to be this scared. Or scared at all.
She curls up in a little ball and starts shaking and whimpering. I try nudging her a few times, but she won't uncurl, and I can't get her to roll very well. I whine again, 'cause this wasn't what I wanted, but I leave the food cave. Poor horn-pony. Too weak to even make friends with a strong pony like me. Must be because she lives in this hole. Dumb hole.
Ah! A roar! What roared? Our clan doesn't have anything that roars!
I see moving things lower down. A lot of them look like my clanmates. One doesn't. It really doesn't. There are eyes and legs and claws and tails and teeth and scales and...
Yeah, I'm just going to run now.
Camp is quiet. The weird, strong thing didn't follow us when we left the hole, but now it's guarding it. We all still ran for the camp as fast as we could.
Rutvi says we're not going to raid the hole again. Fine by me. I still smell like squish. I just wish I could've made friends with the horn-pony.
Rutvi scratches me behind the ears. Ahh. He rests his head against my side, and we both fall asleep under the stars.
Ditzy circled above the Simic zonot, considering the curious structure. The Gruul raid had left the sinkhole of science confused and weakened, yes, but the enormous krasis patrolling the perimeter, a medley of crocodile, octopus, hydra, and a hint of whale, would need quite a bit of magic to slip past.
Time, she thought, a funny thing. A day is a laughably brief time for some things, a second an eternity for others. For Ditzy's purposes, a week was plenty of time to get a hoofhold on Ravnica's general status, but nowhere near enough for anything specific. She was only just getting to that stage of her reconnaissance now.
Before Ditzy could begin layering on don't-notice-me spells, she noted a presence in her slipstream. It was a curious feeling: a little motion in her peripheral vision, a tiny bit of turbulent feedback in the wind, a hint of blue in a spectrum few others could see. She turned and hovered, letting the interloper come to her.
It was somewhat familiar, an illusory being crafted from memory and magic, shaped like a many-tailed manta ray, modeled after the magics of the Iquati, a lost civilization of a plane where the line between thought and substance blurred beyond distinction. Lost, but not forgotten. The narcomoebae made sure of that.
Ditzy smiled. She knew who had begun with those living memories and ended with the creature before her. "Jace sent you to find me, didn't he?"
The phantasm said nothing, but then, it had no lungs.
"Well, hope he doesn't mind my hitching a ride." The pegasus touched a blue-glowing hoof to the entity, and both streamed away.
Ditzy understood precisely why ætherworking was a form of blue magic. To her eyes, an unsummoning dissolved a creature like salt in a river, sending it back along currents of magic and memory to its summoner's surface thoughts. Knowing that, it was surprisingly easy to combine mana bonds and pegasus magic to ride that current like a jet stream.
Of course, just because the spell was easy to make didn't make it an enjoyable experience. When the æther flow wound its way back to Jace Beleren, what materialized was a thoroughly disoriented pegasus, eyes even more askew than normal.
The human considered himself lucky he was in his personal apartments. A pony manifesting before him on the street or worse, in front of Niv-Mizzet, would've raised all sorts of unpleasant attention and awkward questions. Especially given the whole "wanted poster" thing, disguises or no. Still, no reason to be impolite. "I wasn't expecting you this quickly, Ditzy. How—"
The mare held up a forehoof, staggering as she did so. "H-hold that thought. Just… I gotta…" She blinked several times, each one putting her eyes in an even more improbable arrangement. After about a minute, she finally got her bearings. "Okay. I'm okay. Sorry."
"Not a problem. What happened?"
Ditzy half-collapsed into a sitting position, still not fully composed. "Imagine synesthesia with a sense of touch evolved to sense the tiniest wind current, the hearing and smell of a prey species, and sight that… well, is my sense of sight." That certainly explained why her eyes were closed and her ears flat.
"Oh my." Jace knelt by his friend and student. "Are you going to be alright?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. Just never went that far with that spell before. Must've been a quarter of the way around the world. Should've thought of that." Ditzy opened her eyes and turned her gaze to the human. "So, why'd you call me?"
Jace shrugged. "It's been a week. I thought we should compare notes. Do you feel up to going first?"
Ditzy shook off the last vestiges of disorientation. "Shouldn't be a problem." She shifted into a rather more composed position, gathered her thoughts, and took a deep breath. "Okay, so, my probes and I have been giving as much of the city a once-over as we can. It's clear that the plane is in a state of political transition again."
"Again?"
"When my Spark ignited, we'd all been realizing just how much we depended on the guilds. Ten thousand years is a long time; after all that time, we needed the structure the ten – and it is ten; the Dimir will never get that djinn back in the bottle – had provided.
"Still, the new Guildpact wasn't going to be another superspell that would make us all serfs of the guilds again. Teysa Karlov herself was writing it up; of course it would be fair. An agreement, a contract, nothing more. It would keep the guilds from growing out of control once more. For once, they would work for the people of Ravnica, not the other way around."
Ditzy shook her head and barked out a laugh. "No surprise how that panned out.
"Now, the plane isn't moving away from the brink of collapse. It's racing towards utter pandemonium. The Izzet are abandoning utility maintenance in favor of whatever ultra-macro-meta-plan the dragon's cooked up. The other guilds are all noticing and gearing up accordingly: Selesnya and Golgari are literally growing armies, Azorius and Boros are recruiting at unprecedented rates, Gruul and Rakdos are just waiting for the first sign of weakness…" Ditzy frowned. "And Orzhov, Dimir, and Simic are all taking a turn for the insular. No word on the street on whatever they're doing, but they've never been the most open guilds. I was working on that when your pet showed up." The pegasus sighed. "So, how's your week been?"
"I believe I understand what Niv-Mizzet is planning," Jace answered, "and I could use some help."
Any lingering dizziness was forgotten. Ditzy's expression was all business. "Tell me."
Gruul Guildpony RG
Creature — Pony Warrior
Whenever a Pony, Pegasus, or Unicorn you control deals combat damage to an opponent, untap target land you control.
"A guild is like a herd. Together we thrive where alone we would die."
2/2
Screw Loose, Wolf with Hooves 1RG
Legendary Creature — Pony
Whenever Screw Loose, Wolf with Hooves attacks, destroy target artifact defending player controls.
X, Discard a red or green creature card with converted mana cost X or less: Until end of turn, Screw Loose gets +Y/+Z and gains the discarded card's abilities, where Y is that card's power and Z is its toughness. Activate this ability only if Screw Loose is attacking.
2/2
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Suddenly, Screw Loose is best pony
All those poor narcomoebae. Forever condemned to a life of suddenly appearing on the battlefield, only to be sacrificed to cast Cabal Therapy or Dread Return.
I think that's the most variables I've ever seen on a card. I certainly can't recall any other card that gets to 'Z'.
In any case, I loved the peek into the mind of Screw Loose, and I'm now intensely curious about the hapless Simic guildpony she tried to befriend.
Endless food makes good weird hole, but big not thing makes it bad weird hole...*licks self*
I like how her mental illness is taken as possibly hybrid-nature in this world.
3230426
The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service XYZRR
Sorcery
The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Customer Service deals X damage to each of Y target creatures and Z target players.
Mon.–Fri. 9:00 A.M.–8:00 P.M. Pacific
(206) 624-0933
For some reason, Rutvi asking Screwloose if she wanted to go on a raid reminded me of Officer Cosgrove from Freakazoid!.
"Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go see a bear ride a motorcycle?"
"DO I?!"
3232088
Bah! That's just a strictly-worse Comet Storm, it could've been just XYRR ("CARDNAME deals X damage to Y target creatures and/or players") and worked exactly the same. Screwy's variable count can't be reduced without changing how she functions. UNoWotCCS does get props for being (one of) the only card(s) to use more than one variable in its mana cost, though. I always thought Fireball and the like should have been written that way.
3230426
so am I, actually.
I don't remember any pony with white hair and yellow eyes :-/
3232909
Fireball in the Beatdown Box Set was costed XYR.
3224088
Canon Twilight only has one punch left. Implicit Neighs Twilight hasn't done this before, so she'll be getting the loyalty card after this one.
3224101
Muffin Button 2
Artifact
2, T: Put a white Muffin enchantment token onto the battlefield. It has "Sacrifice this enchantment: You gain 1 life."
T, Sacrifice three Muffins: You may put a permanent card in your hand onto the battlefield.
"Muffins. Your argument is invalid."
—Ditzy Doo
3229451
At least they're proving useful. Consider the plight of Steamflogger Boss. What do you do when your minions consist of a bunch of changelings and one dude from Planet Cyborg, not one of whom can assemble a Contraption?
3232896
Except if you tried to send Screw Loose into the Internet, she'd try to smash it. And succeed.
Hmm. Maybe that's where all those 503 errors are coming from...
3232909
3232088 rather spoiled the joke. The card's from Unglued, and there's a definite visual aspect to the humor that can't be captured in pure text. Behold:
gatherer.wizards.com/Handlers/Image.ashx?multiverseid=9757&type=card
As for your and 3232941's question regarding the Simic pony, I'm tempted to let you wallow in your confusion, but I will note that there's one more piece of information available. Read carefully.
3234453
self-face palm, I just realized she could be Lyra because...well, white mane, blonde eyes (does blonde apply here?).
I don't know what the extra piece of info is.
The fact she wet herself? All those wheat shakes probably don't do anything for her bladder....or maybe the fact that there were "pointy bits" (sic) around her, which could be hands, which fanon has officially decreed are linked to Lyra?
Shutting up now before I go on a rant about fanon and canon etc etc. Although I'll note Night vale has it worse.
3277135
And the interaction with copied overload spells is entirely intentional. However, note that Street Spasm isn't quite as degenerate as you think. While an object is on the stack, its converted mana cost includes the value of X. (CR 202.3b)
It wouldn't be Twilight if she couldn't do horribly overpowered things with magic.
On the other hand, Pyretic Ritual is just as bad as it seems. But it's not like Izzet Guildmage didn't do it first with Desperate Ritual spliced onto Lava Spike.
3234453
The Simic pony is an Alicornist, but I'm not sure how significant that is…
Screw Loose is great, but I can't help but wondering why you didn't make Maud the Gruul pony, what with her thing for rocks and punching stuff. Then again, she isn't really the 'roaring angrily' type. Did you write this before she existed? In other news, you never cease to amaze me, FoME.
5932277
Check the publication date. This chapter was written six months before "Maud Pie" aired. Not knowing that the character exists makes it kind of hard to use her.
Heavens to Betsy, someone actually wrote something from Screw Loose's POV.
3234453
Here's a fun comment to revisit seven years later.
10421263
Truly a rags-to-riches success story for the ages.
Wish I had the foggiest idea of what was going on in this chapter. >.>
10805784
Everything should make sense in the coming chapters. Hopefully.
10805805
A little, yes. Though I realize this is the one story where you can look up a term or name, find a ton of info about it, and yet understand exactly nothing about what's going on in the story.