So here I am, in Equestria of all places! I don't know how I got here but these past few weeks have been the happiest times of my life! Never thought my life would contain Adventure, romance and PONIES!
Edited by The11thWonder - http://www.fimfiction.net/user/The11thWonder
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That description should have been used as a part of the story. It's TL
Ok I'm going to honest with you and say that this isn't bad for a first timer. You did a decent enough job with detail and the grammar and spelling aren't bad, but they aren't perfect.
First of all, you should probably go back and shorten that description to a few sentences. People are going to read through that and post TLDR
Next, you should go back and change all mental dialogue into italicized text. It's what is normally used when an author wants to write out someones thoughts.
Space out those huge ass paragraphs! It's not really a big wall of text, but those paragraphs are pretty damn big and if they're messy enough people are going to stop reading. And try to weed out pointless details and facts. You should also give the drunks a better motive to beat up some kid than booze money. Maybe it's some jock that likes to harass the character or a bully from the local high school. "Hey that guy has money. Kill!" Isn't exactly the most believable situation to be in.
2476444 I took your advice and tried my best at following it!
I will remember all of these pointers for the next chapter and possible future stories. Thank you.
I like the story so far but I thought I should point something out. Lyra is not a pony I would see beat up a human. In the fandom, She is more most likely to hug humans to death than beat them to a pulp. And She's a unicorn, not an earth pony
2497330 Firstly, thanks for commenting! And I know that Lyra is a very nice pony and that she would never really do something so... violent but herself and Sweety Drops were the first two to pop into my head whilst writing. As for the race mix up I will get onto that straight away! Thank you very much for reading! :)
i cant wait for chapter 7!
Its taking so long!
2526518 I know and I'm sorry! D:
I shipped it off to my editor on the 2nd but I think he has been pre-occupied with real life issues. Hoping to hear back from him today! Hang in there!
nice
2531163 Glad you enjoyed it! ^_^
Hmmm intriguing but I dunno, there's something odd with it, can't quite say though
nevertheless, good luck, mate and good job 
2661358 Hm... well if you find out let me know!
For now, enjoy the parts you can
2677911 Cheers! It was my first fic. I read through it a few days ago and was quite surprised at how quickly some of the events unfolded, my second story will definitely be much better.