• Published 30th Apr 2013
  • 59,918 Views, 1,562 Comments

Princess Celestia Gets Mugged - BronyWriter



Princess Celestia disguises herself as a younger mare and goes for a walk around Canterlot where she promptly gets mugged. Now on EqD.

  • ...
71
 1,562
 59,918

Luna Finds Out

"Okay, how about this?" The first stallion cleared his throat, and lifted the ransom note into the air.

"Dear Princess Celestia, and/or Princess Luna. How's it going? Fine weather we're having today, isn't it? I suppose we have you two to thank for that. Well enough chit-chat, we're writing to you to say that we've kidnapped your servant, Sunny Skies, and we're holding her for a ransom of five million bits. If you want to see her alive and in one piece, I'd suggest you give us what we want. If we do not have the money by four o' clock this evening, we'll be forced to send you one of her ears as proof that we mean business!

Sincerely,

Us."

The second stallion raised his eyebrow at his companion. "Really? We're going to talk about the weather before we ask for the money?"

The stallion who had written the letter shrugged. "Well, just because we're demanding millions of bits, and threatening to kill her if we don't get our way, doesn't mean we can't be civil about this."

The second mare scratched the back of her neck and glanced at the letter. "Uh... well... I suppose so." Her gaze flickered up to the rest of the group. "Um... we're not actually going to do that to her, are we?"

Now it was the first stallion's turn to hesitate. He cleared his throat and looked down at the letter. "Uh... well, the way I see it, we don't really have a choice in the matter. I mean, how is anypony supposed to take us seriously if we don't keep our word?"

"I dunno," the second stallion mumbled. "It just seems a little barbaric to me."

"Be that as it may, we don't really want to show any weakness, do we?" The first stallion sighed. "If we do, they'll just let us keep her until they track us down."

"But her ear?" said the second mare, shifting where she stood. "I still don't see how that's necessary."

"Hey, I have an idea!" The second stallion giggled mischievously and rubbed his hooves together. "What if, instead of taking her ear off, we just make a mold of her ear, put some ketchup in the box, and send that! I'm sure that Princess Celestia will be too distraught to know the difference!"

"You really think that we can get a fast one past the Princess Celestia like that?" The lead stallion shook his head. "No, she'll spot the fake immediately."

The second mare opened her mouth to respond, but as she did, her face brightened to the point where Celestia was almost certain that she had seen a light bulb ignite above her head. "Guys, I think I've got it!"

"What?" the second stallion asked.

"Okay, listen to this." The second mare's smile shifted to a conspiratorial one and she leaned in next to her fellows. "How about instead of taking her ear, we could cut her mane and tail off and send that! By doing that we don't hurt her, but we also show that we mean business!"

The effect on the other three was almost immediate, and a look of utter relief washed over all of their faces.

"That's a wonderful idea," the second stallion said. "You think up some excellent ideas sometimes, Ju—"

Instantly the mare squeaked and shoved her hoof into the mouth of her fellow kidnapper. "Don't say my name! If she manages to get out, she can just tell the guards what our names are! We're finished for sure if she does that!" Her face hardened into a glare. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a dungeon, do you?"

The stallion vigorously shook his head, and spat the mare's hoof out. "Good catch!" He tapped his jaw with his hoof. "So, should we use code names or something?"

The other three ponies gasped in excitement and nodded. "Yes!" the first stallion cried. "Code names are an excellent idea!"

"But what should they be?" the second mare questioned. "Should they be objects, or colors, or what?"

"Colors sounds good to me." A wide smile split the first stallion's face and he puffed out his chest. "I have a dictionary around here somewhere."

The stallion fired up his horn and levitated a large green book over to the group. "I think they even have a section in the back for weird colors." He flipped the book open to a page near the back and scanned the contents. "Yeah, here it is. I shall be Mr. Nacarat!"

The second stallion looked over Mr. Nacarat's shoulder and read the page himself. "The name Mr. Xanadu appeals to me."

The first mare snorted at her fellow kidnappers' names and condescendingly shook her head. "You boys are unimaginative twats, you know that?" She took the book out of Mr. Nacarat's grasp. "We can do much better."

Mr. Nacarat frowned. "Oh yeah? Well let's see you try!"

"I will," the first mare retorted with a grin. She flipped to another page "I shall be Ms. Razzmatazz!"

"A good choice." The second mare took the book herself. "I think Ms. Fallow suits me best!"

"Then it's settled," said Mr. Nacarat slamming his hoof on the ground again. "We all have our code names and will refer to each other as such."

"This is so awesome!" Ms. Razzmatazz giggled to herself in a rather foal-like manner. "It's like we're secret agents or spies or something!"

"Our hostage will never be able to identify us now." Mr. Xanadu leaned his foreleg against the wall. "Unless the royal guard itself knocks down our door, we'll get away scot-free thanks to our genius names!"

Princess Celestia, who was biting her tongue so hard to keep herself from laughing that she would have drawn blood were she not an alicorn, had no choice but to speak up at the antics of her captors. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I already know what you all look like."

The four ponies all gasped as they realized she was right, and Ms. Razzmatazz levitated a sheet over to her. "Quick, we gotta blindfold her before she remembers our faces!"

Celestia snorted. "Oh, it's too late for that. I only needed to see you once to remember what you look like. I have quite the memory."

Ms. Razzmatazz's grip on the sheet faded, and it fluttered down to the floor as she realized that Celestia was correct. "Well shoot."

Mr. Nacarat cleared his throat once more, and shook his head. "It doesn't matter. W-we'll get the money from the princesses, and then we'll go to Manehattan to hide out until this blows over. I have a friend who runs a tavern in the lower-east side who can hide us until then."

Were she not tied up, Celestia would have given the crooks the double facehoof to end all double facehooves. It was getting to the point where she wasn't sure if she should be laughing at them or feeling sorry for them.

Mr. Nacarat glanced back over to the ransom note and levitated it over to himself. "Well, there's no sense beating around the bush. We need to send this to the Princesses if we're going to make sure that we get our money."

His fellows all grunted in agreement, and he trotted out of the room to deliver the letter. Celestia almost wished that she wasn't tied down. She would have loved to follow him to see how he delivered the letter without getting caught.

* * * *

Princess Luna stretched out her wings as the last of the nobles exited the day court before her lunch break. In truth she could see why her sister despised this duty. She had not heard such incessant whining and bickering since she was but a foal herself, fighting with her sister over some trinket. She leaned her head against the backrest of her throne and rubbed her temples. It was time for a nice bowl of celery soup.

However, before she could exit the courtroom, the double doors that made up the entrance burst open. No less than four royal guards marched into the room, dragging an unfortunate unicorn stallion in hoofcuffs between them. Luna cocked her head, and walked over to meet them. "Sergeant, what is the matter here?"

The royal guards threw the stallion to the floor, and one of them levitated a piece of parchment into the air. "This stallion came to the front gates to deliver this. I read it and had him arrested at once."

Luna frowned and sat up. "What information does the parchment hold that would warrant his arrest?"

The sergeant sighed. "It's best if you see for yourself."

Curious, Luna took the parchment in her own telekinetic grasp and turned it so that the writing faced her. "Dear Princess Celestia, and/or Princess Luna. How's it going? Fine weather we're having today, isn't it? I suppose we have you two to thank for that. Well enough chit-chat, we're..." Luna finished the note silently, but once the message on it became clear she widened her eyes and gasped.

Kidnapped.

Sunny Skies.

Ransom.

Five million bits!

"Tia," she whispered.

Luna exhaled deeply and began pacing back and forth. Tia, how could this happen to thee? Do they have some power unknown to us? What nefarious purpose would they have with five million bits?

Luna shook her head to clear it. No, I cannot think as such. Get Tia back now. Get details later.

Luna turned her furious gaze to the prisoner between her guards. She took a menacing step forward, her eyes burning white with utter fury. In truth she would have destroyed the pony on the spot if it weren't for inconvenient details such as 'due process' and 'he knows where Tia is.'

When she was close enough, Luna leaned in so that her nose was almost touching the shaking muzzle of the prisoner. "Where. Is. Tia?" she growled with a level of menace that she had not had since Nightmare Moon.

The shaking stallion desperately tried to scuffle away, but he was held back by the royal guards surrounding him. Realizing there was no escape for him, he managed to stutter out one terrified word. "Who?"

Luna opened her mouth to give the pony the best version of the point blank Royal Canterlot Voice that she could, but she remembered that the note had said 'Sunny Skies'. The hoodlums who were holding her sister likely didn't realize just who they had kidnapped. Luna cleared her throat and tried again. "Where. Is. Sunny. Skies?"

The stallion continued shaking, but he took a shaky breath and steeled himself for an answer. "I th-thought that th-the note was c-c-clear!" He gulped and took a deep breath. "G-give us th-the bits a-and we'll l-let her go!"

Luna's left eye and ear twitched as she fought back the urge to reduce this pony to nothing more than a stain on the carpet, but she kept her resolve... and her anger. "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCOVER WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A THREE-LEGGED, DAISY-HEADED TORTOISE?!" Luna slammed her hoof down on the ground mere inches away from the prisoner's foreleg. "YOU WOULD DO WELL TO RELAY THE INFORMATION I REQUIRE POSTHASTE!"

Instead of responding to her "request" with the answer like any reasonable pony would, the prisoner fainted dead away, his head hitting the floor with a loud 'thud'.

Seeing that she was unlikely to get anything more out of him for the time being, Luna commanded the guards to take him down to the dungeons. She simultaneously mused that the Royal Canterlot Voice might not be the most effective interrogation technique. Indeed, in the future she figured that it might be better to use tickling with feathers, or whatever other forms of draconian tortures that her sister had favored in her absence.

Author's Note:

Before you ask, yes, those are all real colors.

Join these delightful people as my patrons!
Razer Brony
Dawson Schawang
Jim Kieger
Andrew Denton
SADE789
Balnar
Canary
Jack
Po
Comma-Kazie
Not Tom

BTW, if there are any patrons who donated to get the reward of having their name at the end of each chapter but you don't see your name here, please let me know. Patreon updated and now I can't actually see my list of patrons. Or at least, it's much harder to find for some dumb reason.