"Okay, how about this?" The first stallion cleared his throat, and lifted the ransom note into the air.
"Dear Princess Celestia, and/or Princess Luna. How's it going? Fine weather we're having today, isn't it? I suppose we have you two to thank for that. Well enough chit-chat, we're writing to you to say that we've kidnapped your servant, Sunny Skies, and we're holding her for a ransom of five million bits. If you want to see her alive and in one piece, I'd suggest you give us what we want. If we do not have the money by four o' clock this evening, we'll be forced to send you one of her ears as proof that we mean business!
Sincerely,
Us."
The second stallion raised his eyebrow at his companion. "Really? We're going to talk about the weather before we ask for the money?"
The stallion who had written the letter shrugged. "Well, just because we're demanding millions of bits, and threatening to kill her if we don't get our way, doesn't mean we can't be civil about this."
The second mare scratched the back of her neck and glanced at the letter. "Uh... well... I suppose so." Her gaze flickered up to the rest of the group. "Um... we're not actually going to do that to her, are we?"
Now it was the first stallion's turn to hesitate. He cleared his throat and looked down at the letter. "Uh... well, the way I see it, we don't really have a choice in the matter. I mean, how is anypony supposed to take us seriously if we don't keep our word?"
"I dunno," the second stallion mumbled. "It just seems a little barbaric to me."
"Be that as it may, we don't really want to show any weakness, do we?" The first stallion sighed. "If we do, they'll just let us keep her until they track us down."
"But her ear?" said the second mare, shifting where she stood. "I still don't see how that's necessary."
"Hey, I have an idea!" The second stallion giggled mischievously and rubbed his hooves together. "What if, instead of taking her ear off, we just make a mold of her ear, put some ketchup in the box, and send that! I'm sure that Princess Celestia will be too distraught to know the difference!"
"You really think that we can get a fast one past the Princess Celestia like that?" The lead stallion shook his head. "No, she'll spot the fake immediately."
The second mare opened her mouth to respond, but as she did, her face brightened to the point where Celestia was almost certain that she had seen a light bulb ignite above her head. "Guys, I think I've got it!"
"What?" the second stallion asked.
"Okay, listen to this." The second mare's smile shifted to a conspiratorial one and she leaned in next to her fellows. "How about instead of taking her ear, we could cut her mane and tail off and send that! By doing that we don't hurt her, but we also show that we mean business!"
The effect on the other three was almost immediate, and a look of utter relief washed over all of their faces.
"That's a wonderful idea," the second stallion said. "You think up some excellent ideas sometimes, Ju—"
Instantly the mare squeaked and shoved her hoof into the mouth of her fellow kidnapper. "Don't say my name! If she manages to get out, she can just tell the guards what our names are! We're finished for sure if she does that!" Her face hardened into a glare. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a dungeon, do you?"
The stallion vigorously shook his head, and spat the mare's hoof out. "Good catch!" He tapped his jaw with his hoof. "So, should we use code names or something?"
The other three ponies gasped in excitement and nodded. "Yes!" the first stallion cried. "Code names are an excellent idea!"
"But what should they be?" the second mare questioned. "Should they be objects, or colors, or what?"
"Colors sounds good to me." A wide smile split the first stallion's face and he puffed out his chest. "I have a dictionary around here somewhere."
The stallion fired up his horn and levitated a large green book over to the group. "I think they even have a section in the back for weird colors." He flipped the book open to a page near the back and scanned the contents. "Yeah, here it is. I shall be Mr. Nacarat!"
The second stallion looked over Mr. Nacarat's shoulder and read the page himself. "The name Mr. Xanadu appeals to me."
The first mare snorted at her fellow kidnappers' names and condescendingly shook her head. "You boys are unimaginative twats, you know that?" She took the book out of Mr. Nacarat's grasp. "We can do much better."
Mr. Nacarat frowned. "Oh yeah? Well let's see you try!"
"I will," the first mare retorted with a grin. She flipped to another page "I shall be Ms. Razzmatazz!"
"A good choice." The second mare took the book herself. "I think Ms. Fallow suits me best!"
"Then it's settled," said Mr. Nacarat slamming his hoof on the ground again. "We all have our code names and will refer to each other as such."
"This is so awesome!" Ms. Razzmatazz giggled to herself in a rather foal-like manner. "It's like we're secret agents or spies or something!"
"Our hostage will never be able to identify us now." Mr. Xanadu leaned his foreleg against the wall. "Unless the royal guard itself knocks down our door, we'll get away scot-free thanks to our genius names!"
Princess Celestia, who was biting her tongue so hard to keep herself from laughing that she would have drawn blood were she not an alicorn, had no choice but to speak up at the antics of her captors. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I already know what you all look like."
The four ponies all gasped as they realized she was right, and Ms. Razzmatazz levitated a sheet over to her. "Quick, we gotta blindfold her before she remembers our faces!"
Celestia snorted. "Oh, it's too late for that. I only needed to see you once to remember what you look like. I have quite the memory."
Ms. Razzmatazz's grip on the sheet faded, and it fluttered down to the floor as she realized that Celestia was correct. "Well shoot."
Mr. Nacarat cleared his throat once more, and shook his head. "It doesn't matter. W-we'll get the money from the princesses, and then we'll go to Manehattan to hide out until this blows over. I have a friend who runs a tavern in the lower-east side who can hide us until then."
Were she not tied up, Celestia would have given the crooks the double facehoof to end all double facehooves. It was getting to the point where she wasn't sure if she should be laughing at them or feeling sorry for them.
Mr. Nacarat glanced back over to the ransom note and levitated it over to himself. "Well, there's no sense beating around the bush. We need to send this to the Princesses if we're going to make sure that we get our money."
His fellows all grunted in agreement, and he trotted out of the room to deliver the letter. Celestia almost wished that she wasn't tied down. She would have loved to follow him to see how he delivered the letter without getting caught.
* * * *
Princess Luna stretched out her wings as the last of the nobles exited the day court before her lunch break. In truth she could see why her sister despised this duty. She had not heard such incessant whining and bickering since she was but a foal herself, fighting with her sister over some trinket. She leaned her head against the backrest of her throne and rubbed her temples. It was time for a nice bowl of celery soup.
However, before she could exit the courtroom, the double doors that made up the entrance burst open. No less than four royal guards marched into the room, dragging an unfortunate unicorn stallion in hoofcuffs between them. Luna cocked her head, and walked over to meet them. "Sergeant, what is the matter here?"
The royal guards threw the stallion to the floor, and one of them levitated a piece of parchment into the air. "This stallion came to the front gates to deliver this. I read it and had him arrested at once."
Luna frowned and sat up. "What information does the parchment hold that would warrant his arrest?"
The sergeant sighed. "It's best if you see for yourself."
Curious, Luna took the parchment in her own telekinetic grasp and turned it so that the writing faced her. "Dear Princess Celestia, and/or Princess Luna. How's it going? Fine weather we're having today, isn't it? I suppose we have you two to thank for that. Well enough chit-chat, we're..." Luna finished the note silently, but once the message on it became clear she widened her eyes and gasped.
Kidnapped.
Sunny Skies.
Ransom.
Five million bits!
"Tia," she whispered.
Luna exhaled deeply and began pacing back and forth. Tia, how could this happen to thee? Do they have some power unknown to us? What nefarious purpose would they have with five million bits?
Luna shook her head to clear it. No, I cannot think as such. Get Tia back now. Get details later.
Luna turned her furious gaze to the prisoner between her guards. She took a menacing step forward, her eyes burning white with utter fury. In truth she would have destroyed the pony on the spot if it weren't for inconvenient details such as 'due process' and 'he knows where Tia is.'
When she was close enough, Luna leaned in so that her nose was almost touching the shaking muzzle of the prisoner. "Where. Is. Tia?" she growled with a level of menace that she had not had since Nightmare Moon.
The shaking stallion desperately tried to scuffle away, but he was held back by the royal guards surrounding him. Realizing there was no escape for him, he managed to stutter out one terrified word. "Who?"
Luna opened her mouth to give the pony the best version of the point blank Royal Canterlot Voice that she could, but she remembered that the note had said 'Sunny Skies'. The hoodlums who were holding her sister likely didn't realize just who they had kidnapped. Luna cleared her throat and tried again. "Where. Is. Sunny. Skies?"
The stallion continued shaking, but he took a shaky breath and steeled himself for an answer. "I th-thought that th-the note was c-c-clear!" He gulped and took a deep breath. "G-give us th-the bits a-and we'll l-let her go!"
Luna's left eye and ear twitched as she fought back the urge to reduce this pony to nothing more than a stain on the carpet, but she kept her resolve... and her anger. "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DISCOVER WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A THREE-LEGGED, DAISY-HEADED TORTOISE?!" Luna slammed her hoof down on the ground mere inches away from the prisoner's foreleg. "YOU WOULD DO WELL TO RELAY THE INFORMATION I REQUIRE POSTHASTE!"
Instead of responding to her "request" with the answer like any reasonable pony would, the prisoner fainted dead away, his head hitting the floor with a loud 'thud'.
Seeing that she was unlikely to get anything more out of him for the time being, Luna commanded the guards to take him down to the dungeons. She simultaneously mused that the Royal Canterlot Voice might not be the most effective interrogation technique. Indeed, in the future she figured that it might be better to use tickling with feathers, or whatever other forms of draconian tortures that her sister had favored in her absence.
Feldgrau? He from Germaney?
x2
x7
I'm interested. How does it feel like?
2510587 You know that feeling when you're falling combined with the feeling of getting up too fast?
Razzmatazz... is a colour?
*Googles*
Holy mother of Faust...
2510593 How do you think I felt when I discovered that I could name a character 'Ms. Razzmatazz'?
Wait...tickling with feathers is a form of draconian torture in Equestria? Criminals are squeemish about cutting off a body part for a payoff?
Yup, even the harshest parts are still adorable, it's like a big PG sticker is on the entire land...good job by the way.
What kind of pony would send a ransom letter by hand?
2510592
Well, that doesn't feel too bad.
lol im rofling so hard omg keep this fantastic story rolling
You know... It is only now that I noticed a distinct lack of Luna smileys in the default smiley set on this site. Knighty should rectify this.
Holy hell this is AWESOME
I cant wait till everything starts to get out of hand.
This story should clearly be marked as random. Because the idea is so ridiculous that it makes me giggle. One of the best nonsense stories I've read recently.
That reaction when I just finished reading the second chapter, only to discover that the third just came out:
i1297.photobucket.com/albums/ag40/Shanenator777/yesyesyes.gif
So we have Nacarat, Xanadu, Feldgrau, Razzmatazz, Fallow, and Gamboge...or in layman's terms orange, aquamarine, gray, pink, brown, and yellow. Lol.
And finally, hoof-delivering a RANSOM letter?? Are you kidding me?? Cue the epicest of facepalms...
i1297.photobucket.com/albums/ag40/Shanenator777/facepalmzz_zps4ba6c9bf.jpg
2510610 I know. I love it.
I laughed uncontrollably throughout the entirety of this chapter. Such a silly concept, but it works so well.
Oh no, he's unconscious.
How will Luna, dreamwalking goddess of the night ever interrogate him now.
I honestly love stories where maintaining the delicate government infrastructure of Equestria is basically like being a kindergarten governess.
The kidnappers don't even know that they have Celestia... Luna now KNOWs this, and yet... she still fears for her? Oh Luna, silly, silly Luna...
2510668 Remember, Luna has a bunch of different theories going through her mind. These ponies could very well be pawns of a larger group.
If I were Celestia... I'd be laughing my ass off right now. I would t even try to hold it in.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Funniest story I've read in a long while! I love the idea and you got a chapter out so soon after the second one! YOU ARE LIKE A SUPER AUTHOR!!!
Hey man, have you ever been subject to the dreaded tickle torture?! I'm still traumatized by it, it's awful!
i.imgur.com/dxN3scH.png
I know, old meme is old, but oh so relevant.
When I read about Luna's thoughts on torture techniques, I couldn't help but think of, well:
Feldgrau? Bah! Nothing beats Eigengrau.
Y'know what? Imma go ahead and just fave this straight off the bat, and I'll read it later on today!
I can't wait untill Tia gets board of this.
2510769 NO NOT THE COMFY CHAIR! I CONFESS!
I heard that Celestia sometimes tickles her student.... FOR FUN!
That devil!
Down with the white queen!
another good chapter.
Mother of god...*takes of sunglasses*
story is pure genius
If i was getting mugged this will happen...
Actually, when you are dealing with the princess of dreams/nightmares, fainting is not the best method of avoiding interrogation. If anything Luna can be more creative once you are out.
2510949And it will work my good sir
I saw the description, read it, laughed lightly.
Saw the author, laughed near uncontrollably
Another well made story from BronyWriter.
2507149
Yes. Yes he is.
EDIT: Or she. I don't know.
Is there anything you can't write? First Tragedy, then Humor, then Adventure, then Human in Equestria, what's next? Romance?
These guys are the worst kidnappers since the diamond dogs.
Yes, lets waltz up to the castle IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE, give the note which is not sealed in any way shape or form and easily legible to a ROYAL GUARD which states that one of HIS charges is in trouble...
What could possibly go wrong?
*whistles*
That would be one kick ass pet
Or at least a good mantle
2511052 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/95868/that-ship-has-sailed
2511089 at least the diamond dogs had a since to not give a ransom note, and actually keep their captive secured.
Their downfall was that they succumbed to the annoyingness
In this story, Celestia is going to die of laughter
How long will it take for Tia to just get bored? I am definitely looking forward to the dramatic, "I am the sun-god" moment.
2511142 Hey, Celestia's been tied to a chair this entire time and has been mostly quiet.
2511168
That's it! BronyWriter has won the internet. Everybody just get off your computers and head outside. We're done.
2511225 I take it you read it?
2511228
I am currently on life support for nearly dying of laughter
2511231 Oh good
This is too funny. I need more!
This reads like one of the old Donald Duck meets the Beagle Boys comics.
This is classic comedy. More, much more please.
Those crooks are sooo bad at it.
I'm with Celestia, it's better to just sit back and enjoy the bumbling hilarity. And if Luna thinks hard, she'll realize that the kidnappers don't know they have Celestia herself, so they're not some sort of cult or arcane masters.
But then she'll go nuts trying to figure out how they managed it. The look on her face when this is all done and Celestia fesses up that she just wanted to have a bit of fun will be epic.
In recent years Celestia has borne witness to the ascension of two new alicorns and a new group of bearers of the Elements of Harmony, the return of Nightmare Moon and reunion with her sister, the invasion of Canterlot by Changelings in which she lost a duel to their queen, the return and reformation of Discord, and has consumed a slice of Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness cake with Exquisite Éclair, donut, and Chocolate Mousse Moose garnish. Yet the thing she considers most interesting in all that time is being kidnapped by a couple of not-very-bright hoodlums in a Canterlot alley. I love her priorities.
Considering how badly the crooks have fumbled the job so far, Celestia's going to have to start helping them if she wants the experience to continue. She should give them some advice to help them evade the Night Guard who will no doubt be coming for them as soon as Luna realizes that her prisoner's unconscious state will actually help her interrogate him better (assuming he dreams at any point while passed out :)
this is like reading an episode of Equestria's dumbest criminals, how somebody could down vote this I have no idea. and those who do should feel bad.