My ships are better than your ships
It is umpteenth anniversary of Twilight's coronation, but despite the cheering crowds, the new people she's met, and her loving mentor, she cannot fill the void that her friends left behind.
But maybe with the help of an invader, she doesn't need to.
(Haha, this is my first fic, and I was pretty naive to think that this was an original plot, but I for one put a lot of passion into this... at the time. Oh well.)
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I could really use feedback guys.
It's a good idea, but the scenes all felt a bit rushed and mashed together.
It starts out well but then it turns a bit incoherent. You may want to take a little more time to flesh out each individual scene and give more detail about the situation and twilights feelings and such. Rather than just go straight to the next scene.
Some transition may also be needed, I was quite confused at the beginning as to when and how the dream sequence had started or even what it was, or what was following her afterwards too. But I've only read the first chapter, so we go on.
It started out strong again, but didnt quite finish.
This felt like the beginning of a good chapter, but got cut off for some reason and went back to being rushed and incoherent after the transition. Probably shouldve combined this one with another to make it flow a bit better.
You are good at dialogue, the characters are there. The scene around them is having some trouble though, again with description and transition, some things you should leave to the imagination, but we still need something to go off of here.
With the length and the quick jumps between the scenes it really feels rushed again. Maybe this chapter should be connected with the last one.
Mostly the same.
Alot of it was rushed and I could not follow one scene to the next. Even in the scenes I had a hard time telling what was going on. A bit of a description of it may help.
It has potential, I do like the story youre trying to tell, it just needs to be told a bit clearer. Imagine trying to tell this story to someone else verbally, youre going to need to give them a vision of the scene to work off of before you can really get into it.
2564368
Thanks so much, I sort of saw that coming. Ironically, I rushed so much because I was so exited to get my "genius" plot out there. I am definitely going to go back and fix those chapters and hopefully end up with a good Twilicorn fiction for once.
2566459
Just make sure to take your time to flesh everything out properly; read over it a couple times to see If it is something you are happy with.
I like it. Moar? :(
2576017
Yes, there will be more, as soon as I polish the previous chapters to the extent where a reread might be necessary.
Hmm, it is quite an improvement from the last version, but that doesnt mean I still dont have nitpicks.
Some missing commas and apostrophes here and there. The main one is before you end the quotation. If you are going to follow dialogue with a verb describing it, you need a comma. For example:
should be
I also feel it wouldnt really be in Celestia's character to talk to herself, so that may be better worded in a thought of hers, not dialogue.
Ponies don't have hands, silly.
Her name is generally "Pinkie Pie", but I don't know if you did that for a reason or not.
As for the number, you may want to spell it out instead. It sits awkwardly in the story as is. Maybe "in her fifteen hundred and seventy second game", or if that feels too clunky, at least put an "nd" on it.
While the scenes were a lot better put together, some of the portion while she was walking through the city felt weird. If you are going to put her in a setting, be specific. What was she there for? Where was she going? Putting more emphasis on certain specifics of the scene can make it more immersive, but be careful, overdoing it can break flow. Also, how did she know that pony was from appleoosa? Little things like that can snap the reader out of the story and draw attention to that instead of the plot.
2614963
Yes, thank you. I will definitely work on it.
Oh no...please dont turn this into a complete Tryant Celestia fic! I have had enough of those to last me a lifetime
2625077
No! Not at all! Celestia's behavior was mostly in good will.
2625199
Thanks for the reassurance.
I hope you didnt take it the wrong way, I am liking the story so far,