• Member Since 5th Aug, 2011
  • offline last seen Mar 31st, 2023

Zephyr


Zephyr Verve, editor, proofreader, creativity well and professional moron at your service!

T

An average human, named Martin O'Donell gets in Equestria.
His memories are shattered, but he have to make his decision in the end.
Stay in the world of perfection, as an outsider, or go back to his home-world and never feel happy again?

This is his story.

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 335 )

This is really good :pinkiehappy: You've got a good sense of humor and somehow even the "Oh look! I'm in Equestria now"-thing was different and well written :pinkiehappy:
Trac... Nah, you know the drill :raritywink:
This was; Fantastically Inspirational Radically Super Tactical! Also know as; FIRST! :rainbowlaugh:
-Glassed

I read the chapter and was like 'Wow, this is good'. I scrolled up the page and as I was pressing the track button, I saw the 'Stop watching' button. I was like WTF, but then I looked at the author, I went 'Zephyyyyyy' (U mad brah?) with a high pitched voice in my head.

Anyways, few semi-annoying errors (nothing too bad), soo-o
MOAR!!!:pinkiecrazy:

190967
I would like to hear that what are those errors, can you tell me?

191793
With errors I obviously meant grammatical errors, since the story was... Good? Yeah, good. Even tho' I don't like the 'interracial wub(love) on first sight' thingie that much...

Soo-o... I'm not fluent in english so I may as well be wrong, but these are GRAMMATICAL errors I found :twilightsmile:

"Didn't I said? "

"She didn't answered."

"You will not get me, I gave you a try earlier, you didn't wanted me, now you won't get me!"

With these three, you already have the past tense "did"/"didn't" in them, you you dont use the past suffix ("-d","-ed").

"Didn't I say?" (Here, I think it would be better if it was "Didn't I tell you?" the "say" sounds somewhat... wrong?)
"She didn't answer."
"...you didn't want me..."

Also on the last sentence, I would cut it into separate parts
"You will not get me. I gave you a try earlier and you didnt want me."
Also the "now you won't get me" doesn't really feel right there (for meee:rainbowlaugh:). Im not fluent in english, so I wont say anything else about this.. I could always be wrong :derpytongue2:


And other small stuff:
"Quiet useful when you are hungry."
Quiet means "silent". The word you're searching for is "quite".

"I heard a door opening with a quiet creak then somebody came in."
The "then" doesn't sound right for me. Maybe try "as", since something was happening
"I heard a door opening with a quiet creak as somebody came in"

"After a minute of silent staring later.."
After and later in one sentence..? Take either one out, and it will sound more normal

"After a minute of silent staring I realized that I made a very intimate contact with her" or
"A minute of silent staring later I realized that I made a very intimate contact with her"

"Humans aren't exist here, right?"
aren't? "Humans don't exist here, right?" right? :twilightblush:

"Finally, I smiled back to her still thoughing about the situation."
Thoughing? Really? "Thought" is past tense for "think", so the word here should be "thinking"

Oh, and of course few typos
"becasue"
"deeprst"

192777
Thanks for the help, looks like my prereader need a warning...

--->Fixing those problems now!

Why does the description say avarage? I have honestly no idea on how to spell it... I just know that THAT is not the correct way xD

193564 For one thing i would say that the description has to be nearly flawless as some Spelling/Grammar nazi's could just discard this story based from that one error ^^

And in the description you can put something like: His memories shattered, he would have to make a decision.

Now i dont know if that has any relevance at all seeing as i'm pretty bad at english myself but uhh...

193572
Hush, you!

And it's edited now.

Please tell me your opinion about the story, I want to hear some costructive critics!

Or more like: With his memories shattered he will have to make a decision

Atleast thats what i think. ^^

193613
Man, opinions about THE STORY!

-_-

In the beginning parts it says:

And why did I told you this all?
Because I have to choose now, choose about being happy and live the rest of my life with my love, or go home, to the place where I come from and where I belong.

I think it should be something along the lines of: And why do i tell you all this?
Becouse now i have to choose, choose between being happy and live the rest of my life with my love, or go home, to the place where i come from, the place where i belong.

Agian do not take my statements as facts seeing as i'm not that great at english xD

193631 Sorry bout that i was already typing and didnt notice your comments before you said that.... Can you forgive me? :fluttershysad:

193631

I wrote this in this way because the story is like a flashback.
And it will lead to the point where he began to think these.
Oh, this was a spoiler, be proud of yourself.

193639
I forgive you, I'm not even mad at you.

Alright then... Just finished up the story... I must say there was ALOT of errors and i mean alot BUT DONT MIND THEM! Lets talk about the concept shall we... First let me descripe it in one word: BRILLIANT! This is deffinately a track and a fav ^^ I must say i enjoyed chapter one IMMENSELY and i'm really looking forward to what you have in mind for the next ones ^^

I really LOVE the idea of this seeing as i'm quite a ship fan... To be honest i was about scratch this off as another "OMG HIE Kill me" kinda thing but i must say i'm pleasantly suprised... I cant see anything wrong with the story (Except for the Grammar errors) and i think its a very nice idea ^^

193685
My only prereader have unfortunatly little time to work on it, so if you think you can proofread it to me.

Would you like to do this honor?

193697 I dont know if i would be the best for the job... I myself have trouble with punctuation and i rarely have time aswell... Though i would like to give it a go if it means anything ^^

193714
I only need a proofreader for the grammar, that's the most important thing here.

So, what do you say?

Well i dare to give it a go...

BTW: I will be available on Most week-days and weekends but sometimes i might get incredibly lazy on weekends... Only on weekends though.

So what way do you want to set this up? I'm open to pretty much any suggestion so "Your word is my command" (Refrence 10+ points if you get it)

And one other warning... My internet locks at 10 PM everyday (Not in the weekends) ... So about.. Now..... I hate college

We will have to continue this conversation tomorow... The connection i'm using is simply too unstable to be reliable, Goodnight. ^^

193765
I already sent you the next chapter to proofread.

And goodnight!

Ahh the big GLASSES has a mispell.. Cant believe i missed that...And the jumping on the bed part... Should have done something else... Man come to think of it i did a really lousy job...

196340
Alright, send me a pm with the fixed parts, quick!

196341 Zephyr... Wind.. Rushing wind... Get it? like quick speeds.. generating wind resistance... Nahh that was a terrible joke...

196351
I have absolutely no idea what are you talking about.

Its been a while since a fanfic has been able to make me calm down.. I think its been like 2 weeks since last time I calmed down at all. :twilightsmile:

And yes, with calming down I mean relaxing and enjoying stuff I'm doing, which I am unable to do normally... Weird, isn't it? :twilightblush:

196366
Weird? Nooo...

Interesting? Morely!

And what made you calm? I mean what part of the fic?

Btw Zephyr.. That "Cannot compute" Part was mostly because i had no idea where you were going with that statement... My mind almost melted trying to make sense of it.... Not knowing what hapless means probably had alot to do with it...

196370
Sometimes the Google Translator can be mean....
This is why it melted your brain.

*random zombie*
"Brraaaaaiinn... Favored ice-cream..."

196367
Around the end, I guess?
I snapped out of it when the chapter ended. I can tell you that I'm slightly pissed now that I can't get back into that heavenly mode o' mine.
It felt so good to relax :raritydespair:

And I think its weird. For example, if I want to sleep I need to stay awake until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. :trixieshiftright:

196375
That means you are hyper-active. Use some sedatives!

(:trollestia:)

196378
Yeah, right :pinkiecrazy:
I just need more fanfics to read while I try to get tired enough... Already tired + reading tons of fanfics = My memory.. Is even shorter-lived than before...
It doesn't help that there are 92 fanfics in my tracking list. I can't remember even 20 of 'em right now. Will probably remember the basic plot if they ever get updated OR if I see them somewhere.. Even thought I need to remove stories from that list daily, since I fail to remember some of 'em :trixieshiftleft: So don't update yerrrr story for a while and I will forget it :rainbowlaugh:

196390
Well, only one thing left to be told by me to you now.

LOL

196391 Well then zephyr.. Even with abit of trouble at launch you were still able to pull it off... I applaud thee :pinkiehappy:

I'm really starting to like Violet :rainbowlaugh:
Hope she's more funny than actually psychotic :twilightoops:
-Glassed

196469
Psychotic?
Glassed, you gave me a GREAT idea!

196472 O_O Oh nonononononononononononono! NO! :twilightoops:
myfacewhen.net/uploads/282-mother-of-god.jpg
WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
-Glassed

196488
just kidding, she won't go psyho and do.. Things...

...

Anyway, the next chapter will be out tomorrow or a day later.
I have to continue the MoZ now.

196488 I like how he says it will be continued tomorow or today... I dont know if i even have time for that xD (I'm His proof-reader xD) But if thats what he wants i sure as hell will try to make it possible xD

196502 Haha, oh the life of a proof reader, amma rite? :pinkiehappy:
-Glassed

196502
:trollestia:

Thank you for your efforts BotB!

196507 Np always ready to lend a helping hand ^^

So when will you fire off the next chapter... One thing: I will leave in about an hour... And i probably wont be back untill tomorow... I might be online but it will be with the dodgy internet connection like before... So its best if you send the next chapter before 23:00 kay? ^^

196507 By 23:00 I mean more along the lines of... 4 hours or it will have to wait untill tomorow...

196516
Check your mail...

Ice

*reads description*...........Yheah, I see where this is going *goes on youtube*

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