Jones read was a regular gamer on Earth. Luna was a regular gamer on Equestria. What will happen between the two when anger, magic, gaming, and friends collide in Equestria?
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theponywiththegoldenhelm
Joined 9th Apr, 2013 ·
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Hey um just going to say its short and um the conversation between the characters is confusing sometimes. Damn is this how a critic feels, I rather just be quite sometimes. Anyway it seems good(maybe I should not say that might get yelled at).
But all I am saying since this is your first and it is ok......
lassechor.com/wp-content/uploads/Screen-Shot-2012-02-08-at-11.26.00-.png
to make you feel better
2402731 Thanks for the advise. Over the next few chapters I'll lenthen the chapters. Conserning the conversasion, I have no than two characters talking at the same time, so any conversation is between two characters. For example: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube."
2403019 happy to help
Heehee Love the last gag at the end of this chapter
Good start here. It would help immensely to add more detail here and there, and also to split things up a bit when someone else is speaking.
MEDIC! I Require Assistance!
"“FYI, Your Dead and Trolldier. Shall we destroy them?" The bat winged stallion simply nodded his head. I picked soldier and he picked scout. The other players picked medic and heavy. “Should be easy.” Then, death, death, and a little more death.
(Maybe add some momentary flashes of the epic ownage going on against her?)
“I am royally angry.” I said holding back.
(Maybe the guard is getting visibly nervous at this point, watching his Goddess gearing up for a meltdown?) “I got to go, see you later Princess.” said my guard.
OnCe he left, I flipped out and shot the computer with a magic outburst. I stopped for a second (looking at the damage she made and seeing the human on the floor?) “Well… crap.”
(Maybe a seperation or a indicator that it's someone else speaking.. =+=+=+= Hero's view =+=+=+= )
Ow, my face, ow. “Can I get the plate number of that truck?”
“It’s awake Tia!” said some voice, sounding female.
“Tia, I don’t know no Tia.” I said as I opened my eyes. Standing in front of me was a pony. It had wings… and a horn. It was beautiful dark and light blue colors. I could dive into those eyes. Wait, what the fuck?! Brain stop thinking those things right NOW! “Uh… Hello?”
(perhaps she drew herself up majestically or angrily?) “THOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THOU’S PRINCESS!” She yelled.
I’m surprised she can’t shatter glass this that volume. “I don’t know about you, but I just freakin’ fell in from another dimension after I owned some people in Team Fortress 2. Cut me some slack will ya!”
(Stunned look from Luna?) “What, what is your name on Steam?” she asked wondering.
“It’s FYI, Your Dead. Why?”
(Sheepishly scuffing a hoof?) “I might be the reason you’re here.” she chuckled nervously.
“WHAT!?!?” I yelled with a voice that could rival her’s....
____________________
Hope this helps
CRITIC MODE ACTIVATE!
ok, its short(if its less then 1,000 then it should int be it's own chapter, probably stick it with another chapter), dialogue is confusing and to short, try to think what you would do in these situation and how they would react ie: i would spend at least an hour mixed between joy, rage, confusion and feeling insane, Dialogue is int very deep and could be a bit longer, the story seems a bit rushed, maybe you should have made a chapter or two on Earth to build up some character for the human and likewise for Luna, most people try to sperate dialogue from one character and another like:
"where em i?" i said
"In Equestria" Trollestia said
"K"
now that the negative is done, now for the positive! It is an interesting idea for a story and i will probably end up reading on, you got best pony as a main character so im happy, The human seems to be reacting realistically
is what everyone would say. Wow, first time being a critic, hope i wasint to harsh but you cant get better without realizing your flaws. If you fix the story a bit, i would definatly love this being a big TF2 fan
. Since its your first, you've done pretty good
troll.me/images/thumbs-up-jesus-says/you-did-good-mah-bro-thumb.jpg
stay pony may friend /)
dude you need to use paragraphs in convosations like.
"uhhh....Hello"
“THOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS THOU’S PRINCESS!”
like dat :3
also its US not me
“THOU SHALL ADDRESS US AS THOU’S PRINCESS!”
2403486 Thnx for the advice
Conserning conversation, i have no more than two people at one time. For example: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube." The Luna part with the guard explanes how Jason Ended up in Equestria and when I say he is flying through the sky, it sorta explanes itself that he was not originaly in the castle, Luna brought him to the castle.
2404960 Thnx for the advice, but I have no more than two people talking at the same time. For Example: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube."
BTW Its ME becauses it's just Luna at the current moment, not Luna and Celestia
2404780Thanks for the help
The conversations only happen between two people and alternate. For exp: "How does that work?" asked Twilight. "Ah don't know Twilight." replied Applejack "I must figure this out!" "You do that, sugarcube."
BTW Just wait, there are major reasons they are gamers. Take a wild guess.
a little short but funny
Holy shit, that is officially my new favorite superpower! Being able to turn into any video game character=WIN
2408257 It was an idea I had for a story on Fanfiction.net, but I decied to put it here to see what would happen. I'm glad I put it here.
2408289
I am too!
2408310 BTW you are the first one to know this.
Another chapter will come out tonight. I'm planing for 1,500 to 2,000 words this time.
Stay tuned, shit will get crazy. Some of the parts that I'm planing will make you cry, laugh, and make your brain esplode with shock.
2404780 Check out Chapter 3 and 4 will come out tommorow or tonight
2408355
Those are the best kind of chapter
good but...really? an invasion out of now where? just like that? no chapter with the villain planning and getting allies? not even half a chapter of the bad guys winning just: "there here!" "shit! ill take care of this!" (they died) '"I SAVE DA DAY!". bllaaagg one of my most hated things a story writer can do, rushed plot line
. Still i love the concept and characters so im still interested
2409544 Sorry about the rush. Just wanted to bring some action into the story and start showing off the shit Reed can do, thanks to Luna. Next time Major enemys come in, there will be at least a chapter before shit goes down.
WHAT
Fuck yea airing refrence
Founds out that he is a pony....
suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/18434597/images/1332573085106.jpg
Video game heaven indeed and with Luna.
2410620 "Aring Refrence" I dunno what you are talking about. Care to explane?
2410315 NOT WHAT
HOW
so funny cant wait for more chapters.
2412749
Skyrim reference spell check fucks with me
2410167 i have no problem with the fight and i love his powers, i just thought it was a mistake to rush it
good ol the ship, making murdering Criken that much better
. Good chapter, i love the ending
that is EXACTLY what i would say
"My name is Paula Pfuzl-. What are you reading? The Raven?"
"Yeah! Quoth the Raven:"I'ma fuck you up"
I love the story, but I have to point out that you used the term dimesion when you should have used the term universe. Dimensions exist within the same universe. Your protaganist clearly moved form one universe into another.
Sorry if my comment seems kind of pretenious but I just hate when people mix up dimension and universe.
2415233 It's ok. Thats for the help!
2414183 Now that I look back on the chapter. I lead people into a false sence of thought. I bet you thought 'Poisen Joke' and it would be fixed. WRONG! I also saw that i just made him don't even care about the him being a pony permedently.
hey bro i just want to tell you that i love this and i literally think i am falling in a deep love for this fan fiction.
~ Your bro, Tristensrl :
2415642 i didint think Poison joke was the problem, where did you come up with that assumption? also, EVERYONE would care so making him not care makes it hard to think he's normal or a human(he aint anymore but you know what i mean)
At the beginning i was like "Well, i like this." Now I'm like "I'M ADDICTED TO THIS STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, and I loved the part where he said
Turn into any videogame character ever means you can have any power you want. Even those show heroes that got put into games note if I ever find a genie or some somehow have a working wish this would be it.
I cant see next chapter
2431896
How can you see fith chapter
2464124 Oh I see, you cant see it because I haven't published it yet.
BTW: I't not done.
2467959
Ok
please tell me you have plans to continue this story
3061821 I will. I totally forgot about this story and now will make a effort to start putting out chapters.
nice i like to see more
so.. is this story dead?