CeresBane
Joined 17th Apr, 2012 ·
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- LewdChapter · 4.4k words · 117 171 · 12k views
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The last time I read a story with such unfannon character clop was while reading 'Scootaloo's Love for Pain'.
HOWEVER.
Unlike that other story, I actually tried to enjoy this one. I can tell that you have potential- it was clear in how you wrote, but I suggest you take some of my feedback to further your success.
For starters, get an editor! Or at least re-read the story you just wrote to find some of the glaring errors. We're no Equestria Daily here, but I can tell you that any decent brony likes a story they can follow and understand.
I found the lack of names in the first three segments confusing, and I was left concentrating on what exactly was happening to who, instead of immersing myself in the masochism (And sadism!).
And about the masochism. I don't think you really need to coin the story a BDSM fic, simply because there was much more emphasis on the latter two 'S&M'.
Foalcon in always good, never gonna complain there.
As for your comment on narrative style. You know you remind me of me. I love to experiment with different narratives and whatnot. If you were to go to my page, you'll know that I'm an active and prominent member elsewhere on this sight, so I'm not bulshitting to relate. And I sort of like the narrative. It let me focus on the clop, and sort of blurred the lines about how many royals actually had their turn with Sweetie Belle (?).
As a final note. You had mentioned this in a line:
To make it more professional, you should probably try this:
"Yes-" I coughed "-my prince"
Anyhow, take a like, I like what you were trying to do here.
I'm a little confused, to be honest, but I hope it'll get clearer for me in the following chapters. So, this Lala is desperately searching for her prince, while having some sort of enchanting ability, which makes everypony want to have her, while knowing they can't, which makes them aggressive... or maybe she had a masochistic streak to begin with, and this is exactly what she wanted from them...?
That's as far as I can imagine it at the moment.
This story definitely has awoken my curiosity. I'm looking forward to how this all will play out.
This jumps around so quickly.
WAT.
Somehow, this is fucking hot... I like your style. Sadly, I can't understand the story at all.
2404177
What can you understand from it?
2404890 Well, I understand that Lala thinks that everything is pleasure because that's what her mind has been wired to. I understand that seemingly every high class stallion (including me) wants to fuck her as well.
2404899
sounds like you understand well enough so far.
2404905 Truth be told, I like that filly a lot. I wouldn't mind getting inside of her, or her forcing herself down on me.
2403490 stream of consciousness laddy.
Has she now flipped into a sadist instead of a masochist..? I yet doubt it. Her wiring goes deep. Maybe she understands herself and others better, but she's so confused she might not ever right herself.
Also: So she's an intellectual genius, and apparently a powerful caster. Anything else she's so good at..?
2405080
Think of it logical. As implied by prince blueblood. Higher noble houses hold powerful magic. He tortured Lala without really exerting himself.
Now in the context of Twilight, the goddamn element of magic?
Think of the difference between holding powerful magic and using powerful magic.
2405111
Hmmmyes, I see. I didn't notice that point before, but in retrospect, it makes sense.
2404941 eeyup.
I'm happy a few people actually know about that term.
wow. i don't know what to say but, can't wait for more.
Poor Fancypants... this is some crazy stuff. Keep it up!
I'm thoroughly confused and more intrigued by this than I'd like to admit
HHoly balls this is crazy... Celestia... such a conniving witch... I like it.
Open ending is just a little too open. Just a little more to cement in my mind that it is the end?
Somehow, I really wanna fuck Lala now. I mean, she's the dirtiest filly I've ever heard of and I'd love to give her a ride!
One thing: As far as I can see, you change tense as well as perspective a little too often. I'm not talking about from scene to scene, that's fine; but you switched from first person to third when Fancy was talking to Celestia, and only for a sentence. And several times you went from past to present and back again.
2409789
Yeah I'm pretty much getting turned on by my own creation.
2409428
I intend to create an epilogue... but dayum did I leave it in such a blatant potential for a sequel that I don't think an epilogue will come close.
I'll have to think about it for a few days.
2410054
this particular chapter or the story in general?
I was pretty much pumping this story out for three days straight, so my memory of the editing process is really foggy.
2410449 Dude, I think you should check out my newest fic Snow Crystals when it's finished. It'll have Snowdrop getting whipped, chained, candle waxed, the whole nine yards without the cutting! Bonus chapter's gonna be hot too!
2410461
I'd need to go back and check the other chapters, but if it happened it didn't really come to my attention like it did in "Hearts and hooves"; that's where I noticed it.
2409428
epilogue planned out. Should have it ready soon.
It is by no means an ending though.
And the sequel might become more romance than clop.
2410567
Okay cleaned up hearts and hooves. wow how did I miss so many mistakes?
I think i got them all though.
Nobles having orgy, [trollface]
2412853
[pokerface]
What the shit. This is fantastic, but so many unanswered questions. I will be dissapppointed if this doesn't have a conclusion.
I like how you incorporate the story, but I was looking for Lala to get some again. She's just so hot!
I'm usually not a big fan of a tyrannical Celestia, simply because it's the exact opposite of the personality I know from her. However, she's playing her part really well. The looming dark tag on this story begins to frighten me.
2419458
Here's how I see it. Not much is actually known about Celestia. What we do know is taken from a vein of thought and then turned into hyperbole that becomes characterised.
Though I like to think that I implied that she's not mindlessly tyrannical unlike most versions of this character.
and the idea of how good rulers and bad rulers are understood are explored on the sequel. Since Lala might know how to be a pony now, she doesn't yet understand what it means to be a real princess.
2419457
Well given that the recent chapters has Lala's parents hovering over her the whole time. No stallion could really touch her.
And she won't be for the opening arc on the sequel. But I assure you, she might have grown as a character through the story. But she is still at her core, a sexual creature.
2419749 Hmm, yes, quite.
Mmmm, I can't wait! Will we be seeing a lot more of La petite indulge in her steamy sexual desires?
You are evil I say! Evil evil evil! Not just a little bit, but a whole lot, Pinkie show what there happened to me!
i.imgur.com/KzTuo.gif
You lure people in the the lovely premise of a small and surprisingly well written foal, that even I can follow for a bit why she is as she is, even if her place in life is so extreme.
And then do you add the evil plot! A evil and intriguing plot that kept me awake, already beginning to read this all to late, and now is the clock saying 4AM. I have read this in one setting, something that I don´t do so often when we are talking stories over 10K words.
You enthralled me in your well written words, your policy behind the walls of the castle, and with the curiosity to see what there would happen to a little foal... in more than one way must I admit.
I do almost think that it is sad that the sex scenes are here in details, because I think that it is scaring many people away from a not just a rather good story, but a shining pearl. But then again, it would not have the same impact as it haves without those scenes, because we would not understand her mind so well... As I have said before, you are a evil evil person!
A last thing I must say is bravo with the teller style. Normally does I lose my bigger picture if we are shifting between more than 2 characters view, and that is on a whole story. But you did sussed in writing in such a way that I wasn´t in doubt at any point in whose head we where in.
Good fiction I could say.
what would happen if fancy told or wrote to twi or luna about what tia has done lala and plans for her twi would hate tia ext. and if luna is not in on tia's plans for lala.
2543451
just to clarify.
This is before episode one of season 1, celestia was the absolute ruler of Equestria and Twilight was just a foal and hadn't met celestia yet.
Fancy and Fleur are actually about a lil older than the mane 6's age at this point..
2543652 i musta missed that thanks good read thoue
2553805
was going to clarify towards the end of the sequel.