Eakin's Rapid Fire Pony Fics

by Eakin

The Legend of the Enchanted Spatula

Luna and Celestia walked through the open field, the smoldering caldera receding into the distance behind them.

"Look, I said I was sorry," said Luna, not meeting Celestia's eyes.

"Do. Not. Speak. To me. Not right now," she said through gritted teeth. Streaks of dark ash marred her creamy white coat, and her partially-incinerated mane still sizzled away, down from three colors to two.

"You can't blame me for what happened. I don't even know where the cultists found that much jam living inside a volcano, much less how they kept it from going bad." When her sister didn't reply Luna let the silence descend over them again.

"You could have warned me about the ferrets, at the very least," said Celestia. "And then to top it all off this 'epic artifact of immense power' turns out to be-"

"The book didn't mention that!" protested Luna. "I don't know what the Order was thinking! I don't even know how you'd do that to a spatula!" She shuddered. "Those poor, poor quiches. Their sacrifice shall never be forgotten."

"Oh, yes it will. Because we are never going to speak of this again. Ever. Especially not to Twilight. Do you understand?"

Luna's ears drooped. "I suppose, if you feel it's for the best."

"I certainly do. Now please, I have a splitting headache. Let's just... walk quietly for a bit."

And the tale of the enchanted spatula faded forever into legend.

Author's Note:

A request from half the comments on the second epilogue for You Can Fight Fate. Banged out in ten minutes because why not.

Comments

[punzil504]

Because when jam lives inside a volcano, it does tend to go bad... it starts with petty shoplifting, but eventually leads to drug smuggling and grand theft auto.

[Sergiovan]

You just won a follower forever

[Eakin]

3045061
Cool! Thanks!

[FanOfMostEverything]

I can't say I'm surpised. If you're not playing with silver-bordered cards, the spatula isn't that useful.

[Web of Hope]

3045290
ok, see that wasn't explained.

...see,shit like that is why I stuck to music. I might be good at math, but I hate self-altering variables. it's just rude.

[Themaskedferret]

3044958 Before you know it you're waking up on piles of bagged cocaine and migrant workers and not even wondering where they all came from. *Shakes head sadly*

[G S tol Kriaal]

Enchanted spatula, huh? Kind of reminds me of the Frying Pan of Doom (WARNING: TVTropes)

[paintom_phan]

3046056 I didn't take your warning seriously. Now I know. Oh, hell, do I know.

[Knightmare Neko]

3046056
...
THE MEMORIES! I loved those books with the unholy passion of 20 sparkles

[Dafaddah]

Oh, If I understand correctly, Tia is mad at Luna on account of a cone with a scoop of mink eye screams.

[arancaytar]

This explains EVERYTHING.

[Shadowwk]

I must humbly fanboy myself to you and tell you that i love you and your work.

[BenjiCG]

3179119 well we're still mates, and we still drink together, so maybe it'll stay as a fling thing.
I told her how i felt and it could have gone worse XD
But hey, what can you do but go for it?

[Beware The Carpenter]

I think these stories descended in order of goodness, with maybe bumping the last one up a little.

[arancaytar]

3309472

I would argue that an amoral but conscious (in the sense that Celestia is self-aware and has high cognition) act can be objectively evil in the way that, for example, a shark attack or a thunderstorm is not.

But I actually called it evil in an OOC perspective, compared to the morals that she professes in the original FiO (which seem to be more relaxed in this story):

One of the restrictions that Hanna built into me was that I was never to non-consensually upload a person, nor could I threaten or blackmail people into uploading.

Of course CelestAI deceives people constantly, but in FiO she only tricks people into wanting to upload based on bad information or altered states of consciousness - here, she tricks somebody into saying she wants to upload when she actually doesn't intend to say so.
That's like asking her if she wants fries with that, but then claiming that she was actually ordering in another language where "fries" translates to English as "emigrate to Equestria".

(I wonder: If Jennifer has the presence of mind to quickly state she does not want to emigrate to Equestria before Celestia has time to anesthesize her, is Celestia compelled by the "consent" clause in her programming to let her go, or is the statement treated as irrevocable?)

[Levana]

Argent Map is an asshole pony. And not just because their name is an anagram for Pentagram.

[FOXTrot2]

Wtf is this?
I find it hilarious but at the same time in completely lost.

[abronie]

what the fuck

[Kadigan]

A request from half the comments on the second epilogue for You Can Fight Fate. Banged out in ten minutes because why not.

Nice noodle incident. I like (hate) it how you've managed to practically say nothing at all. ;]