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Stargazer is trying to live his life with his sister and ends up getting caught with a lot of responsibilities. While this is rated teen, there won't be any sex scenes but there will be romance. Violence and gore will be added later on, however.
Special thanks to brony4ever(RIP) for letting me borrow his character, TheLogoliner, ultrasponge, Thunder Cloud, and Iambrony.
Look's pretty good so far, I might keep an eye on this on.
You're got a few spelling mistakes though, and you need to make a new line every time somepony speaks, other's thing became cramped and blocky. I would also work on your length if I was you, Though it's possible this was an intentionally short prologue.
Ok try again this is what i think of this story
Also, who's your favorite pokemon?
Mine is:
Hey you asked me about my favorite pokemon
So you shall recive
Its starapter
Ah. That is closely related to my second favorite.
Swellow.
I'm not gonna lie, the second paragraph made me cringe.
If you have to have to break the narration of the story to explain things, like backstory, or motivation, or anything like that, That's not a good sign.
Instead of telling us that Stargazer is a mail man with a dark past, you should focus on showing us.
For example, try having the character reminisce about his past, clichéd as it is, (The reminiscing, not your past. I think.), or have a conversation with Carrot Top to explain the issue. If it any moment you're tempted to slow down or stop the story to explain key elements, that's a sign you need to take a break and think up a new way to add those elements to your story. To me, The point of a story isn't to advance the plot, though that is something important. The point of a story is to show how the characters interact with each other under different circumstances.
Finally, despite breaking the story to explain things, you still managed to avoid telling us anything about the time she went to space in the first time. That seems like something that is both interesting and needed.
But then again, maybe I'm just nitpicking, I'm not a skilled writer either. Just remember this kind of thing if you write again.
Oh, and I nearly forgot, That is what I meant when I said each speaker gets a line, but you don't need a new line if the person is just continuing what they were saying,
Example: "I see," She said, "The kids can handle it."
Instead of: "I see," She said,
"The kids can handle it."
P.S. My favourite pokemon is Steelix.
Pretty good chapter.
Rainbow Dash and Doctor Whooves seem a bit out of character, but I'm sure you'll pick that up in proof reading.
I'll be a bit disappointed if this turns into some kind of cupcakes clone though.
Overall, decent effort, I look forward to seeing where this goes.
Ha! I loved the ending to this chapter, just too funny!
(Yes, I used Rainbow on purpose)
And a thing I noticed, is that you use 'said' alot. Stargazer said, Rainbow Dash said, Pinkie Pie said... try using more words, such as replied, or whispered or other things such as that. Other than that though, you did a good job!
Oh shit
I knew pinkie would go to murder!
MY friends she has snaped
Are you sure? Because I was like
And then my brother was like
And I was like
And then I said
And he was like
And I was like
So... Yeah.
What is the molten liquor?
what gets you drunker quicker?
What comes in bottles or in cans?
Can't get enough of it!
How I really love it!
Makes me think I'm a man!
Wow bro after all that i got 6 things to
Ok, This is a pretty good chapter. I like this chapter.
Good to see you found a creative way to tell some of your backstory.
I'm looking forward to seeing how all these new characters? States of mind? whatever, interact with each other, along with some more backstory.
Keep up the good work.
Actually, no. The Doctor saved me, so I'm going back. HOWEVER!
This will happen to me again sometime later.
I don't do that often, I'm just like OH MAN! I WONDER WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT... Better wait till they post the new chapter...
Hey, sorry I took so long to respond, but I was busy.
To answer your question, Yes, you should make the chapters longer, but you shouldn't make them bigger.
At the moment, things seem rushed and slightly nonsensical because you seem to have a problem with descriptions.
For example, Why were there guards in the garbage chute? Why does your character, who has flown his entire life, react so calmly to losing his wings? If he could break out of the chains at any time, why didn't he do it sooner? Finally, if he know's he's in the rainbow factory, why did he get the attention of the most dangerous pony there? If you go into more detail about the world around your character, we can relate with his problems better, and he might even develop as a character more.
You also have a slight problem with the other characters in your story. You can't outrun Rainbow Dash, The Doctor's nearly never unprepared, I'm sure I could go on if I looked harder. You could overcome this by asking how each character will react to the scene.
Take for example, Your character appears out of thin air, as he seems to be doing. Twilight's reaction will be to study him, Fluttershy's to hide, AppleJack's to question him about what happened, etc.
Different characters react differently to what happens. A large part of writing fan fiction is to make sure everyone stays in character.
Now that that's done, Doctor whooves appearing seem's like a bit of an asspull. I expect an explanation.
Dear lord.
I said it looked like a garbage chute, but it lead back into the same room. wings broken? Peace. He didn't break the chains before, because Rainbow Dash would have stopped him, or, he thought he would fall into the machine. Finally, he wasn't the most dangerous because he didn't kill anypony, and appeared out of fucking nowhere. It could draw suspicion, but not as if he were dangerous. Plus, Rainbow Dash never even tried to chase him, she was busy figuring out what the fuck is going on. The Doctor was unprepared because he didn't know that Stargazer was in the Rainbow Factory... Okay never mind. I've never seen Doctor Who, so I have no idea how the TARDIS works, and...yeah. Asspull you say? Well, that was an accident. But, more of your questions will be explained in the next chapter, like why The Doctor appeared there in the first place.
Alright, calm down. All I'm saying is a little description could go a long way to avoiding these questions.
Show Stargazer flying through the chute and coming out back in the room.
Explain that Rainbow was too shocked to chase him.
Just go a little out of the way to make sure things are clear.
Also, it's generally a bad idea to add devices you don't understand to your story, but I won't complain because I've done the same thing.
I'm sorry if I upset you with my post. It's just that..... You've got potential, man. A little refinement and you could rise above the average.
You're got good characters, plot, I'm sure you've planned this out. The only thing holding you back is your writing.
Now I can give you advice all day, but the best thing to do is read some of the better works on this website, and wonder what they're doing that you're not. Because right now, your story is hardly the best it could be.
And again, I'm sorry if I upset you.
Nah, you don't upset me. This is an entire redone version of my other story that I had to delete because they kept "disapproving" it. And they drew the line when one of them said, "Have fun continuing this fecal matter you call a story." So I had to redo everything. You are just trying to help me. In fact, I believe you're right. Looking through my chapter again makes me feel it needs more description.
So, no, I am not upset.
This was pretty good.
Some of the parts here made me laugh, so good job.
There's still a few questions, but I'll wait until the new chapters come out, since I'm sure you know what you're doing.
As for the personalities. Hmm, It really depends on how. Will it be a forced removal? Will they leave as Stargazer gains control of them? Is it all at once? You're really given us little to go on here. Personally, I would remove them, because I know that if they start leaving, you can get a whole bunch of drama and tension into the story, on top of the current plot.
Which by the way, seems to keep changing. You really need to decide whether you're writing an action fan fic, Meteors, Cupcakes, Dr Whooves, or a shipping/slice of life fanfic, Starlight, Derpy, Recovering in hospital.
Also, to help you with Phoenix's comment, He's saying that his character also had parts of his personality removed, and it should be easy for you, so he can see your story writing itself.
Aww yea!
ABout damn time XD
Thats good I read over this three times
I give this a rating of
Picture didn't show
SOnic derp time
And how do you do the Link goes with the words Like what you did with that message
Trying to figure that out
AWWW YEA
THAT WAS GOD LIKE XD
You know, I didn't realise this before, But Stargazer's turning into a bit of a Mary Sue.
Alright, a lot of a Mary Sue. Coming back to life was the last straw. Bringing Pinkie Pie back to life just makes the case bigger.
I really should of caught this earlier, but you're character has no flaws, and is the sole reason anything happens in this story.
Case in point, He can cast magic despite being a pegasis, He's super strong, He's super smart (Maybe), Everypony likes him almost immediately and finally, I actually feel ashamed I didn't see this sooner.
If you keep going down this road, you're stories going to become dull and boring, because a FREAKING DUES EX MACHINA is always going to pop up to save the day and the character's themselves are just going to be bland and cliche.
I'll keep an eye on this to see if it get's better, but seeing how far we've gone. It'll be tough.
Until Next chapter.
Nazkan.
It's not just this one time though, Looking back, you do it constantly. The conciseness themselves are a dues ex machina to get out of cupcakes, Doctor Whooves is a dues ex to get out of rainbow factory, Bumble is a dues ex for your mall fight, Boost mode is a dues ex for the town fight, your character's on casual speaking terms with Princess Celestia, he's been to space and automatically becomes friends with Princess Luna. On top of all this there's the fact you forgot his WINGS ARE FREAKING BROKEN!
It's amazing I didn't notice until now.
It truly has developed into a habit. Before you finish the next chapter, you should ask yourself, "Is there any way my character can solve this problem without me needing to write in another super power?"
Extremely Disgruntled
Nazkan
Oh well I'm sorry, but I'm crossing over with someone else, and I'm listening to him. Not all of this is my idea. It was his idea when Luna became friends immediately. It was his idea when he attacked the guys at the mall. If you don't like the story, don't read it. Maybe others will.
Alright, alright, I see. I apologise.
I just want to help you, or at the very least give you some tips to improve your writing. Let's just put that out in the open where everyone can see it.
Now I'm not gonna accuse either of you bad story writing. Personally, I love it when two authors work together to write a story, each told from their own perspective and style of writing. I'm also not gonna tell you to give up, because that never helps anyone. However, I just feel that you shouldn't need to resort to an ass pull to get your character out of a problem. At the moment he's basically God.
Try giving him some limits, or flaws, or a problem he or any other mary sue can't solve on their own. Also resist given him any new powers without an appropriate amount of foreshadow.
And to Brony4Ever, I don't have the time to read your story yet, but I'll get around to it. I assume you're doing a good job, so I'll just say "good job, mate.".
Finally, Importing other peoples OCs. This has the potential to be either really great, or end really horribly. I would recommend you be careful.
Slightly calmed down
Nazkan
P.S. The "Don't like it, Don't read it" while a valid option, makes you seem the tiniest bit childish. I'll decide when I want to leave this story.
Ya think reading my little dashie would be a good idea eh?
But seriously, I was on the verge of tears at the very end.
That is the best and saddest story I have ever read.
And so, once my parents got home, they noticed that I looked sad, and they asked,
"What's wrong?" And I replied.
"I just read the saddest thing ever." And my mom asked,
"What was it about?" And I simply looked at her.
"The love between a man and his daughter."
Hi burritoburger This is me submitting my OC
Name: Muffin (Derpys falut).
Human name: Unknown though it wouldn't be hard to find out.
Cutie mark: Galaxy (He asked for it as he thought it would look cool).
Appearance: white coat, Red mane, Earth pony, always wears sunglasses, alawys wears clothes (usally a white suit to go with his coat).
Personality (Oh boy): Has a tenacy to start sentances with "Well", likes to argue (It's his way of communication) though is able to have normall conversations, sarcastic, optimist (Surpisingly), normall is a happy pony however if left alone will contemplate life or situations from an scientific point of view leaving him depressed and anti-social but when like this will do his best to make others around him happy.
Story: Derpy hooves attempted to write a story, I can't really say much as I am still writtibg the story (Muffin's adventure) but if you want more info you would have to read the story unfortunatly.
I hope this comment makes sense.
Yes I was trying say Derpys Fault that was a typo
He is a part of Derpy's story but is surposed to be me which is why I am referenced as the previous or other authour so technically my previous sentance should of been: Yes I am a part of Derpy's story, but oh well. I hope this made everything more clear.
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