Lightning Dust has dreamed her whole life of becoming a Wonderbolt just like her father. Ever since she learned how to fly, she has strived to become the greatest flier in Equestria. She'll do anything it takes to become the best, but at what cost? Has she lost her only chance at fulfilling her dreams because of her disregard for other ponies, or will Spitfire grant her a second chance.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Edit: Going to get featured.
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This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Overall Score
8/10
A very sweet, touching story about a not-too-commonly-explored side character. I sincerely enjoyed reading it, even if the genre was not one of my favourites.
Grammar Score:
8/10
You could stand to learn how to punctuate dialogue/speech. The absence of a few commas here and there made some parts stick out like a sore thumb. Also, you use dashes a lot. They could be replaced with commas or some other type of punctuation to make the writing flow better.
Pros:
- You gave Lightning Dust a good, solid backstory and personality without any clearly visible flaws. You're a writer who clearly knows how to deal with more complex plot elements, and how to tie them back in to the story at later points.
- Your characters feel very real, and their personalities and traits are very natural, as opposed to forced.
- Your writing flows nicely, and your sentence structure is rarely repeated or overused. You supply readers with a variety of sentence formats to read from, distributing them in a way so that readers don't lose interest.Your paragraph formatting adds on to this. You do an excellent job of separating the text, giving readers enough time to really get the full impact of the segments.
Cons:
- In some parts of the story, your choice of wording is awkward, while in other parts, they're exceedingly vivid. this kind of makes me think that you tried harder in writing some parts of the story than in others. You should have a constant level of quality set for your writing, and strive to always work at that level.
- Punctuation was a really big issue for you. Big enough to be listed again in the cons section. As I've stated before, learn how to use commas, semicolons, and how to punctuate dialogue better. Without these things tearing holes in the writing, the story would be a lot more enjoyable.
- This last one isn't so much a con as opposed to a personal opinion, but I visualize Rainbow Dash to be the kind of character who's a bit more hotheaded than the one you've written in here. By adding a few lines and emotions of her being angry at Lightning Dust before receiving her apology, you would have been able to develop and show Rainbow Dash's character while at the same time, adding a bit of extra drama and drawing some emotional response from the readers.
Notes:
Ask around in English class and do some research on the web on using punctuation. Read your writing aloud, as if you were speaking it. With every pause for emotion or dramatic effect, no matter how short that time is, that's where you need to put in punctuation.
I'll drop links to my stories below, which you can pick and review from.
A Forgotten Past [Adventure]
- An 'Equestria's Past' story featuring Celestia, Discord, and changelings.
A Young Lady's Guide to the Demon Slaying Arts [Action]
- A humanized universe story, where an OC girl works in secret, protecting citizens of Equestria from the demons of Tartarus.
Thank you for your time, and for the nice little story you've given me the pleasure of reading. Until next time,
~ Black Lightning
2342147
Hey, thanks for your review, I really appreciate it.
Yes, grammar and punctuation are my biggest downfalls. I've always loved writing, but I've never had any sort of formal training, so I've more or less had to work it all out on my own, thus my inevitable mistakes.
I'll get right onto reading one of your stories (I like Equestria's Past stories in particular) and, depending on the length, should be giving you a review soon.
Thanks again!
~True Blood
I would so like a sequel
Wow, I really liked the writing style and I'd love to see a sequel to it
.
I liked it, but the ending was too... blunt.
The earlier parts of the story had some good emotional content, featuring raw sensation, or introspection, and you used more subjective descriptions which help the reader empathise with Dust.
But when you hit the end it was all just a bunch of explanations rolling back and forth. It wasn't bad, but it was kinda dry; the emotions that were supposed to be there just weren't really showing through. It felt a lot more third-person and detached, even if we were still technically following Dust's thoughts.
2376645
and thanks for actually leaving some feedback. I always love to hear what my readers think of what I write. It helps me become a better writer and, in turn, bring readers a better product.
Hey, thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
You're right, of course. I had a little trouble finishing this story, because I originally planned it as a multi-parter, but it turned into a one-shot with a good chance of a multi-part sequel. I'll probably re-write the ending eventually, but when I have more time.
I'm glad you enjoyed the rest of it though
How does this not have more views? Probably the best thing I've read this month. Brilliant character development, and well played emotions.
Have you sent it in to EQD?
2441474
Once I finish up on one of my other stories, I might start work on a sequel. I'll get most of it finished before I start uploading (which is a habit I've really been needing to get into) so it won't be appearing for some time.
EQD are far too picky to feature any work of mine. I just can't get the grammar how they like it, so until I find a good editor who has enough time to edit my stories, I'm not bothering to even submit anything. If you know someone who can help me out, let me know
I'm really glad you enjoyed this though
2458154
I didn't see anything wrong. And I've seen stories with worse grammar on EQD, it's something off a dicetoss, depending on which prereader looks at it. Some of them rate it on story quality, while others will throw you out because of a misplaced semicolon. You should give it a try.
Even if you don't get in, you can always try later after some 3rd-party proofreading and editing, since they use a 3 strike system. Then there's also a few proofreader groups here on-site, which you can look at.
This story has criminally few views, for it's quality.
2346488 I agree.
Loved the story, and one other note, i get you on EQD man, ive tried to send in fan art and I never get a damn response back.
http://thenorthremembers3.deviantart.com/art/My-Roomate-is-A-VampireFINISHED-634737705?q=TheNorthRemembers3%2F52655241&qo=12
http://thenorthremembers3.deviantart.com/art/The-Devil-s-Trick-616272301
My art must not be GOOD enough for their tastes.
A very decent and well thought out story with a relatively happy ending. Not bad
May God go with you
