Luna has always loved studying her night sky in calm peace. But when a certain star informs her of a friend with troubled dreams, she doesn't hesitate to enter the world of dreams to try and soothe her friend.
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- Member Since 16th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 31st, 2017
SilentBelle
I'm a fantasy enthusiast who loves to write, and I'm aiming to be a professional fantasy writer eventually. I love to help out other authors when I can. Feel free to PM me or drop by and say 'hi'.
SilentBelle
Joined 16th Feb, 2012 ·
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Magnifique !
Welp...there goes that fanfic idea. Strange that a featured story only has one comment. Now to shove it onto my obscenely long "Read Later" list.
Was that light at the end Sombra? Or Luna? It mentioned fortunate, so I would guess Luna, but it is green, in the field (real world I think) and just carelessly discarded.
EDIT (I guess?): I was actually going to send the comment at 2:30, but then the connection failed.
Very well written, it felt like something that could potentially happen in an episode.
2331001
The light at the end is a fracture between the real world and the realm of dreams.
Very nice! I love the theme of, "that me I don't want to be." It really works well for Twilight, and I think Luna's own efforts to brighten the night was a wonderful motif to add in.
2331020 Yay! Now it can have a follow up where a random mortal finds it and slips into the Dreamscape!
Kidding! Just kidding!
Why do I get the feeling you were already thinking of it...
It was too rushed. Try and expand upon your ideas a little more.
2331080 Yeah, I figured it would be fun to leave a little hook if I ever wanted to do something else with it.
2331095
Yeah, well it was written in three days as per the contest regulations. I could have expanded a bit more on twilight's character and reworked her struggle so it was a little more true to her character. But overall, it was still a lot of fun to write and to toy with the concept of how Luna interacts with dreams. I'll admit it's not my best work.
Wow that was awesome!
That was great, well written.
My only complain is that second Twilight changed her mind too fast, in my opinion. Other than that, I really like it. You put a good amount of small details in the story.
Marvelous.
Very, very nice. I'm quite glad that I decided to read it and you should be proud of your work here. I noticed only small things that could easily be forgiven in the context of this piece as a whole. One of those things was your initiatory sentences in the first and second parts. They felt rushed or impatient; they just didn't feel like they were quite the same quality as the rest of the story. Ultimately it boils down to the passive voice prominent in both instances. I've been waging a quiet holy war against the passive voice as a writing tutor at my college and I would like to impart my experience with fixing it here.
This line felt so out of place it jarred me physically. How you fix it is so simple, I wish I had discovered this method long ago, that you will likely start doing it by reflex after applying it only a few times. All you have to do is take out the ambiguous pronoun and the passive verb. Super easy. Seven times out of ten, simply taking that out will fix your problem, and for the other three times, the missing elements will force you to make a more creative sentence in order to impart your desired meaning. For that initiatory quote, it would then read thus:
It's almost like magic, how much you can really strip from an English sentence.
Anyway, those are my two bits. I hope they help you out along your journeys in writing.
I like it, it's something that is a little more conceivable to have happen in the show.
It is overly short and could use with some expansion later to clean it up to the standards of your other works.
But I enjoyed reading it. Good work.
2334988
Thanks for pointing that out, it'll be useful for my future writing. Yeah, sometimes I stare at a sentence and feel the "it's kind of jarring" feeling. But then I read it by itself and think: "Well, it technically works."
2335044
Yeah, that's the trouble with English. It makes you think you have a good thing, but then when you start putting other things with it, it starts to fall apart. It's what makes writing fun for me. I see it as this big puzzle that I can chip away, little by little. The only problem with it is that I always feel like I'm on the verge of figuring it out, like the little piece that will make everything come apart and make sense is just within reach. Then I discover I don't even know the hundredth part!
2335377 English is the only language in existence that is impossible to fully know within the human lifespan.
If you learned 15 words a day, you would know ~695,325 if you lived to the current known limit of the human life, 127 years.
There are ~1,000,000 words in the language, and growing by about 5/month.
It was great! i wish it were longer!
2341856
I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was a fun three days of writing
I hope they end up exploring Luna's dream-traveling abilities in the actual show a bit more (though I don't think that's actually going to happen). Still, I can hope they will.
2342011
Yes, more Luna is always a good thing. I mean how could they not explore that idea? How? Besides, Twilight will be a princess so it could easily be tied in to some "this is part of your advanced training" episode.
Well, you explained most of my concerns in previous comments, mainly pacing and Twilight overcoming her struggle too quickly.
Too tried to do a proper critique, but I enjoyed the story and the idea behind it was interesting.
Overall, this:
. A jewel amongst the sand.
That was a good read and certainly an interesting take n Twilicorn uncertainty.
I quite liked this fic. It had a lot of prominent imagery, and it flowed well.
However, I had a couple of problems with it. The main one is that it had a certain "purple prose" problem. I had a hard time staying grounded in the story, and found myself skipping over lines of overly florid language and clunky wording. It really could have done with some editing, to trim off some of the fat.
You also needed to italicise some of the thought-speech. Without it, it just seems like an extremely jarring POV change.
Anyway, that's my two cents. Thanks for sharing.
3094560 Ah, thank you for pointing that out. I only had 3 days to write this for a contest so there was only so much I could do with it. As with most of my one-shots, it was used to explore certain ideas that I implemented in my later writing. I'll admit to using purple prose in this one. Though, I thought I had italicized all the thought sections, I'll have to give it a reread and catch those ones. I probably won't go back an edit much more than the quick fixes though... I want it to stay as true to how I originally submitted it as possible.
Thanks for reading.
3094872
Oh, false alarm. I just had another look through the story, and I couldn't find the italics mistake. I think I must have been imagining it, since I was pretty tired when I read it. Sorry!
3097054 Nah, I jumped in and fixed it, thanks to you pointing it out
It did feel rushed in parts, but that is the curse of deadlines
It was a pleasant read exploring Twilight's insecurity in an interesting way. I don't completely agree with her reasoning - I believe Twilight would be far more scared of never again waking up, thus never again seeing her friends, than of becoming a princess - but, well, it was a dream, so no biggie