Beating the Heat

or

Friendship is Kinky

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: I... REGRET... NOTHING!

- - - - - - -

The Doctor re-entered the Library, carrying some saddlebags from his house. He set them down and took in the scene.

There was now a hole in the roof of the treehouse, and Twilight was nowhere to be seen. There were also some pegasus feathers lying around the debris from the roof.

The Doctor frowned and puzzled out his feelings on the matter.

"... Let's see... Insecure about the possibility of another having Twilight Sparkle's attention, some annoyance, remembering I have a house that can go anywhere in space and time including black holes and hostile planets with surfaces like Hell..." The Doctor brightened. "I'm jealous! That must mean Twilight's broken her promise and is riding some poor male pegasus to death!"

The Doctor frowned and stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I am jealous... Hm... How do jealous ponies respond to this kind of thing? Maybe I should think of what my villains do... Try to threaten the universe to get her attention back on me?" The Doctor pondered this, before shaking his head.

"Nah, I doubt she'd even notice in her state! Bother... Well! I guess I can go catch her in the act and make some loud, angry recriminations. Maybe mock her choice in companion while secretly wishing to be in their place." He nodded to himself. Yes, this seemed both more reasonable and something his more... Enthusiastic villains would try.

Well, when they have me in their dread fortress or command ship, the Doctor thought as he trotted up the stairs. He frowned and looked around her bedroom. She was nowhere to be found, nor was her captive.

"Well bollocks. Here I am feeling jealous and the object of my jealousy isn't even here!" The Doctor huffed.

There was the crack of a ruler from the observatory room above, and a male yelp.

"No, no, NO! Try it again!" Twilight ordered.

"Y-Yes ma'am!" A terrified pegasus cried. The Doctor trotted up the second flight of stairs and found a rather peculiar (and yet somehow heartening) scene: Twilight, still tied up, was bullying a cowering blue pegasus stallion in front of a chalkboard covered in equations.

"I-I'm sorry, I have no idea how all this works!" The pegasus wailed.

"You are an absolute bore! I cannot believe you can't resolve a simple air density equation!" Twilight snarled. "You're a weather pony for Celestia's sake, what's your problem?!"

"Excuse me," the Doctor said. He took up the chalk in his teeth, and wrote out the solution on the board. He set it down and smiled at the awestruck Twilight and the confused stallion. "There we go."

"Doctor!" Twilight cried. Still tied up, she managed to tackle him all the same.

"Oof!" He cried, slamming down onto the floor. He winced. "Ow... Jealousy hurts. Good thing to know."

"Sorry about that," Twilight apologized. She scowled over her shoulder at the pegasus. "You can go now."

The pegasus didn't wait an extra moment, as he hobbled out of the room frantically. Twilight turned back to the Doctor with a happy smile.

"Sorry, he dropped into my house and I had to find some way to keep my mind off of my heat so I quizzed him on some basic math. And look! I didn't even remove my bonds," she said, turning on her back and lifting her bound legs into the air. The Doctor nodded appreciatively, but kept his mind on task.

"He seems a tad worn out," the Doctor pointed out. Twilight scoffed.

"He was like that when he fell in here! Please believe me Doctor, intelligence is my chief turn on. Also heroism, mental agility and..." And here she actually blushed, "well... Maturity. After all, that stallion immediately thought I was going to make him mount me until he died! As though I have absolutely no standards!"

"Yes, well, given the current situation we should probably be forgiving," the Doctor said. He patted her on the head... And then pulled his hoof away as she tried to bite it. "Well! I've managed to account for all of the other ponies, save Rainbow Dash."

"That will be difficult," Twilight said, "but given her personality she probably went after some Wonderbolts."

"Ah, shoots high doesn't she?"

"Don't we all?" Twilight asked, batting her eyes at him. The Doctor nodded indulgently, despite the tiny suspicion he was feeling at how easily the solution had presented itself.

Now now, even you can be too paranoid, he chided himself. The door opened, and the sound of several ponies and a dragon trotting in echoed through the house.

"Doctor! I'm back!" Spike called.

"Perfect timing!" The Doctor said. "Shall we?"

"Certainly," Twilight said. "Carry me?"

"Of course," the Doctor said. He tugged her up onto his back and trotted down the stairs.

- - - - - - -        

Spike watched the Doctor come down the stairs with the bound Twilight Sparkle on his back, and looked back at Big Mac. The big red stallion was accompanied on either side by Rarity and Fluttershy. The former was leaning against Big Mac and nuzzling his neck with her hair all over the place and her eyes closed. The latter stood nervously against him, as though unable to decide if she wanted to cuddle with the big stallion or not.

"Hello Big Mac, Rarity, Fluttershy," the Doctor said politely.

"Hello Doctor~," Rarity purred. "You'll have to forgive my disheveled state-"

"Nothing to forgive, you're still just as ravishing as ever," the Doctor complimented. Twilight growled in his ear. The Doctor ignored this as Rarity giggled.

"Oh thank you. You know, if I'd met you first in my state I would have shown how ravishing I actually am."

"Watch it," Twilight growled again. Rarity stared at them, and then clapped her hooves together with shiny eyes.

"Oh how wonderful! My dear Twilight, I never thought you'd be so daring, but just look at your outfit! Very seductive! Though not as seductive as I could have made you. Admittedly I was a bit distracted but still, if you'd called me..."

Twilight stared, then smirked. "Well~, I imagine I'll need your services later..."

"And if the Doctor knows what's good for him, he'll appreciate it, won't he?" Rarity asked. The Doctor raised his eyebrows and Rarity waved her hoof. "Oh come now darling, I see it in her eyes."

"What, the bloodlust?" Spike commented.

"You're so cute, Spike," Twilight said cheerfully. Her eyes narrowed. "Especially when you're quiet."

Spike scowled back. "Least I'm not hamming it up worse than Nightmare Moon!"

"Least I'm not wearing a mustache I can twirl!" Twilight shot back.

"Oh, that was one time! One time!"

"Ahem," Rarity cleared her throat. "Can we focus on our main problem, please? Overwhelming heat descending upon all of Equestria? I mean, I found a good stallion but imagine if some unfortunate mares found the wrong stallion?"

Rarity's eyes narrowed and her face darkened. Big Mac, Fluttershy and Spike all took a step back from her as she seemed to twist the very air around her in her fury. Even the Doctor was a tad intimidated, as Twilight lightly nibbled on his ear.

"A stupid, self-centered, irritating, heartless, pumped up, thin skinned, condescending royal pain in the flank who, if he were to try to lay a hoof on me in my condition, would soon find my sewing machine shoved right up his tight, firm a-"

"Hello! Sorry ah'm late!" Applejack called as she burst in through the side door. She panted for breath. "Ah got a mite bit distracted and... Big Macintosh?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac said, nodding in greeting to his sister.

"Applejack? Why do you have a pegasus tied to your back?" Twilight asked in a bit of lucidity. Applejack, due to all the looks she received, blushed deeply and lightly kicked at nothing on the floor.

"Ah... Er... Well... He did try t' save me, even though ah didn't need any saving, and the heat... Er..." She looked over at the Doctor with a firm expression. "Plan B."

"Ahhhh," the Doctor nodded. "Right! Sounds good to me."

"Plan B?" Big Mac asked.

"In case our plan to stop this fails... Well..." Spike did something no pony could do without a hoop and a stick with his fingers. Big Mac raised his eyebrows and looked over at his little sister. Applejack scowled defensively.

"Now Big Mac! You can't shame me! He's a Wonderbolt and a good stallion from what ah know of 'im who tried to save me and loves mah cooking! Should ah get in... In the family way ah know how t' keep 'im from strayin' and even if he does ah ain't gonna put up with it! Ah helped raised Applebloom and ah can help raise mah own foal!" She pointed her hoof at him.

"And don't you try t' talk me outta it when you might jest have two foals on the way and two mares t' treat right who happen to be mah best friends! We both know how t' be responsible and the right thing t' do and we'll do it cause that's how we were raised, so don't you go into no speeches! If ah have to drag this colt's flank to the priest mahself ah'll do it so ah don't wanna hear nothing! Got it?"

"... Eeyup," Big Mac said with a nod. Applejack nodded, and looked over to the Doctor.

"Sorry, if ah don't cut 'im off he's liable to talk up a storm," she confided.

Even the unconscious Soarin' seemed to stare incredulously at Big Mac. The big red stallion shrugged and chewed on his knitting needle.

"Well, that's four accounted for," the Doctor said. "Spike?"

"Pinkie Pie's being recovered by Zecora," Spike said.

"And Rainbow Dash is probably where the Wonderbolts are: Canterlot," the Doctor replied. "So, we'll just have to collect Miss Pie on the way."

"I've got everything we'll need," Applejack said. "Food, water, some... Restraints."

"I knew you were into that sort of thing!" Rarity squealed. "I have a catalogue we can look through if you'd like-"

"No thank you!" Applejack growled. "Focus on the task at hoof, Rarity!"

"Yes," Twilight said. "We've got a bit of a journey ahead of us and we're all going to be distracted enough."

"No kidding," Spike muttered.

"Y-Yes," Fluttershy said, tapping her hooves together nervously. "S-So we need to focus..." She leaned against Big Mac with a sigh.

"Fluttershy," Big Mac rumbled. The butter yellow pegasus flushed and looked down at the floor.

"Sorry."

"Well! As I'm always fond of saying... Geronimo!" The Doctor said, heading for the door.

"Thought it was 'Allons-y'," Spike said wryly.

"Well everyone needs a change every now and again..."

- - - - - - -

Braeburn sighed as he stared up at the blue sky above through the openings in the trees. He couldn't help his grin.

"You know... This is one of those days you remember forever," he said philosophically. "The kind burned into your memory... Mmm... Just the smell of the grass, the wind in your mane..." He groaned happily, and then looked down. "And the company..."

Pinkie Pie nodded, though wasn't able to talk. Her mouth was a bit full.

Braeburn looked back at the sky with a smile. "Ah swear ah can even see dark, sexy pegasi circling overhead..."

"Hm?" Pinkie Pie asked. She swallowed. "Ah? You can? Me too! I wonder if it's some kind of omen! Or hallucination! I think that would be romantic, hallucinations that are shared! They're much more fun that way I think, though they could afford to be more colorful!"

The "hallucinations" landed around them-Three beautiful mares in dark Wonderbolt costumes. Their leader licked her lips.

"Braeburn Apple?" She asked.

"That's me," Braeburn said.

"Princess Luna requires your presence, among other things," the Shadowbolt said. "But before we take you to her... We must test your... Suitability."

"Suitability? Ooh, for what? What kind of suitability?" Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully.

"Why... To father her foal, of course," the Shadowbolt said with a smile. Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together happily.

"Hooray! Father her foal and... And... Hey! Wait a second!" Pinkie Pie scowled. "He's fathering my foal! It's not fair, she should get her own!"

"I'm sorry, it's the Princess's orders," the Shadowbolt said with an evil smirk. "And we want to try him out to see if he'd... Measure up. So I suggest you get out of the way... Before we have to hurt you."

"Uh... Ladies, as flattered as ah am, ah do have a filly of my own," Braeburn said. He saw the glare on Pinkie Pie's face and recalling how she'd handled that land croc, he had no desire to see anypony hurt.

"And... We don't care," the Shadowbolt grinned. "So... Move aside."

Pinkie Pie's mane flattened a bit, and a manic gleam entered her eyes. "Now that's not nice... Not nice at all! Not even offering to play a game for him, you... You big meanies!"

"A game? Now that does sound interesting," the Shadowbolt leader purred. "What kind of game did you have in mind?"

Pinkie Pie grinned, and Braeburn was filled with that familiar feeling of lust, affection and fear he'd come to associate with the pink pony.

"Can you say... 'Uncle'?"

"Uncle," the Shadowbolt replied.

"No, that's not the way you say it!" Pinkie Pie giggled ominously. She grinned, and then pounced, tackling the Shadowbolt leader into a tree. "This is how you say it!"

- - - - - - -

The road to Canterlot was going to take a while, so it was good that Applejack brought a cart. Big Mac and Applejack took charge of pulling it, while the Doctor trotted alongside. Rarity, Twilight, the tied up Soarin', Spike and Fluttershy stayed in the wagon.

"It should only take us about an hour or two," the Doctor said cheerfully. "It's good that this road takes us past the Everfree Forest."

"Braeburn was downright crazy t' run in there," Applejack observed. "He really thought Pinkie Pie wouldn't follow him in?"

"Eeyup," Big Mac said.

"He doesn't know Pinkie Pie like we do," Twilight commented, wriggling a bit in her bonds. "I mean, all he's seen her do is suffer total failure."

"Yeah, but he did notice she never gave up, right?" Spike pointed out.

"Hard not t' give up when a herd o' buffalo nearly run you over," Applejack said.

"Quite," Rarity sighed. She rested her head against Spike's shoulder. "You know Spike, you really are handling this like a trooper. I'm very impressed." She nuzzled the dragon's cheek, eliciting a deep, dark blush from Spike. "If you were a pony I'd be all over you."

"R-R-Really?" Spike squeaked. Rarity nodded.

"Mmhmm... Of course right now I'm tuckered out from Big Mac, but that doesn't mean it's gone away... Just means it's a low, slow, steady burn," the purple maned unicorn purred next to his ear. "And that can be just as fun, can't it~?"

"S-Sure," Spike trembled.

"You know, that problem with you not being a pony... I'm quite certain Twilight could solve it," Rarity said, resting her chin on her hoof thoughtfully. "Just at a guess. She did turn me into a pegasus for a time, remember that?"

"Y-Yeah... Pretty wings," Spike said dully.

"They were, weren't they?" Rarity said with a smile. "I'm quite sure, even in her state she could pull it off, don't you?"

"I'm pretty sure I could, Spike," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I mean... If I was free, that is."

Spike almost... Almost made to untie Twilight... Before Fluttershy coughed.

"Um, excuse me," Fluttershy said, "but doesn't your magic come from your horn?"

Spike froze. Twilight gave her assistant a smile.

"Spike, please? I did promise to not break out of these."

"Please?" Rarity begged, nuzzling the base of Spike's tail.

"Ack!" Spike jumped. "I-I think I'll walk!" He jumped out of the wagon and jogged quickly, until he had matched Big Mac's stride. He shivered.

"She's... She's..."

"Eeyup," Big Mac confirmed with a little smile.

"Twilight! An addendum: No getting anyone else to free you. You cannot be freed unless Plan A fails, that is the agreement!" Doctor called. Twilight pouted.

"Oh, fine..."

The Doctor switched to a canter and caught up with Big Mac, Spike and Applejack. The chestnut brown stallion sighed and shook his head.

"Amazing how insidious they can be, isn't it?" He said with a grin.

"You say that like it's a good thing," Spike grumbled. The Doctor's grin grew.

"I just appreciate certain things in my mares, nothing more." He lowered his voice. "Besides... I'd be more suspicious if she wasn't trying something, wouldn't you?"

Spike thought about it... And reluctantly nodded.

"Yeah... You're right."

"Eeyup," Big Mac confirmed.

There was silence for a time, before somepony broke it.

"So Twilight... About that spell t' turn Spike into a pony... What kind o' pony we talkin' here? Big, slim... Thick...?"

"APPLEJACK!"

"Jest asking!"

- - - - - - -

Nightshade had been incredibly excited at the prospect of working directly for Princess Luna as a Shadowbolt. Sure, her going Nightmare Moon and nearly ending the world had been scary, but the pegasus couldn't help but appreciate the pizazz and style the fallen alicorn had put into the apocalypse.

Besides, meeting her in person had been truly, epically thrilling. Especially right after she'd failed to make the cut for the Wonderbolts due to her just not being quite fast enough.

"While not fast enough for daylight work, thou hast speed enough for the work of night," she'd told her.

"... Pardon?" Had been Nightshade's less than intelligent response. To which the Princess had flat out facehoofed. In fairness though, Nightshade's ears had still been plugged from the rapid altitude shifts during the last course of the test track.

And Princess Luna was very forgiving of bad first impressions. Along with a few other pegasuses (mostly female), they were put through an intense training program that lasted several weeks. It had included such strenuous things as having to fly through a Wheel of Death packed with flamethrowers and chainsaws, being shot out of a cannon and having to hit a very small target a mile away, and not make any sounds while dressed in a suit made of bells.

Frankly, joining the Wonderbolts would have been easier.

Still, Nightshade managed to pass and she proudly earned her Shadowbolt uniform in a nice, quiet ceremony held by Princess Luna, her hoofmaiden, and the guy who had shot them out of a cannon. The last guy had even been on fire during the ceremony, which had added a strange, personal touch to the whole thing.

It sucked he was dating the Princess’s hoofmaiden, it really did.

After that, they’d been sent out on all kinds of different missions: Reconnaissance of Wolfenstein castles, monitoring Stalliongrad’s balefire and rocket installations, tracking Nyx cultist movement in the Everfree Forest and other areas of strong magical discontinuity, and supporting pirate interdiction missions over the Poseidon Straits.

All of that was incredibly, fantastically fun. Though the Nyx Cult missions always brought up the most controversy, especially when the Conspiracy Theory Hour came up on Everfree Radio.

But nothing could compare to her current assignment: Go out and ride the most eligible bachelors in all of Equestria for their princess. Nightshade felt it was the best mission ever.

And she wouldn’t let some crazy pink pony deny her the chance to ride an Apple stallion. They were the stallions mares dreamed of!

“YA!” She cried, kicking the pink pony off her. Pinkie Pie rolled like a bowling ball, slamming into Nightshade’s partner Velvet. She was slammed into another tree, and the ball popped back into Pinkie Pie. The pink pony was looking almost manic now, and grinned darkly.

“Granny Pie always said to share, so I guess I’m gonna be a bad filly!” Pinkie Pie laughed. She went into a cartwheel, and Nightshade flapped her wings to boost her jump. She glided over the kicks, and landed in front of Velvet. She stuck her tongue out.

“I’m better at being bad than you could ever be!” Nightshade cried. Pinkie Pie held up her right hoof, turned it facing her shoulder, and cocked it twice. The meaning was clear, and Nightshade charged. Pinkie Pie charged back, their gazes locked. They got closer, closer...

Then Pinkie dropped down to the right and stuck her hooves out. Nightshade’s eyes widened and she tried to jump out of the way, but one leg caught on Pinkie Pie’s hoof and sent her tumbling into a low hanging branch.

“GAH!” She cried. She spun around on the branch and growled down at Pinkie. “That’s it! You’re going down you bubble headed twit!”

“Hey! I happen to love bubbles in my head!” Pinkie snarled back. “They make me feel giggly when they-OOF!”

Nightshade pounced as Pinkie was talking, slamming her down into the ground. Pinkie Pie gaped at her.

“Hey! I was TALKING!” Pinkie kicked her in the chest with both hind hooves, and Nightshade twisted just out of the way. She redirected most of the force in the blow that way, and slammed down on her back some distance away. “BANZAI!”

“Huh? AH!” Nightshade rolled out of the way as Pinkie tried to deliver the Pony’s Elbow to Nightshade’s chest. Nightshade swung around to the right, clocking Pinkie Pie in the side of the head. Pinkie swung away and slammed into the ground, taking a mouthful of dirt.

“Pffft! You... You...!” Pinkie Pie snarled. “YOU BIG MEANIE HEAD!”

“Pink twit!” Nightshade snarled back. “I’ve got my orders you little brat-STOP INTERFERING!”

“I don’t care if Lauren Faust herself told you to hump his brains out-HE’S MINE!” Pinkie Pie bellowed.

“Ah... Ladies?” Called Braeburn. “As much as ah’m enjoyin’ this...?”

Nightshade and Pinkie Pie turned to look. During their struggle, the third Shadowbolt had trussed Braeburn up in leather strips, and was holding a whip in her teeth. Braeburn’s brow was covered in sweat.

“... NATRIX!” Nightshade scolded her. The third Shadowbolt huffed, unrepentantly.

“I never get to use these in regular life, and now I get the chance to and get paid for it! So I’m going to do it!” The pegasus growled, narrowing her crimson eyes. “And I don’t care how you feel about it, Lieutenant. I’m going to be busy for a while so you two can just blow off.”

“What?! But I wanted to do fun leather time games with Braeburn!” Pinkie Pie cried.

“Me too!” Nightshade cried. The two looked at each other oddly.

“... Really? You like that kind of stuff?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Well, it’s more of a hobby than anything else, I don’t even have a sawperson,” Nightshade admitted.

“Ooh! Ooh! I do, I do! I usually use it for making pinatas for parties but I’m totally sure it can work the old way too!” Pinkie Pie said brightly. “We can make a party out of it!”

“Really?” Nightshade asked, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

“Sure! Hey Natrix, you want to come to our Leather Funtime Party?” Pinkie asked cheerfully.

“No.”

Pinkie Pie seemed to freeze. “I’m... Sorry... What was that?”

“I don’t want to go to your dumb party, because I’m going to have a party with Braeburn here. All. By. My. Self,” the Shadowbolt said.

“Natrix! That’s just plain selfish! Not to mention against our orders!” Nightshade growled. “Think of poor Velvet over there!”

“Uhhh... Captain, why are there four of you...?” The dazed Shadowbolt asked.

“I mean, we’re in this together!” Nightshade said.

“From my perspective... It’s every mare for herself!” Natrix said with a smirk. “What are you gonna do about it, huh?”

Pinkie Pie and Nightshade looked at each other once more. Nightshade noticed Pinkie’s hair was becoming much flatter, and her eyes were narrowed.

“No party and no sharing of fun makes Pinkie Pie mad,” she growled. “You want to have a party, right?”

“Right?” Nightshade said with a nervous smile. The pink pony seemed far more menacing now than she ever had while they were fighting.

“Me too,” Pinkie Pie said. “And every meanie who refuses to have a party with Pinkie Pie... Is in need of a serious attitude readjustment.” She held out her hoof. “Partners?”

Nightshade slowly nodded, and bumped her hoof to Pinkie’s. “Partners”.

“Well then... TALLY HO! FOR SEXY CAKES!” Pinkie Pie cried as she charged into battle.

“FOR NOOKIE!” Nightshade cried as she joined Pinkie.

Velvet threw up from her dizziness and then passed out, which didn’t really contribute anything to the charge.

Braeburn for his part was wondering when his life turned into a Dear Stablehouse letter...

- - - - - - - -

This version of the story has been extensively edited and slimmed down to be a better read from the Fanfiction.net version. Hope you appreciate it.