Beating the Heat
Friendship is Kinky
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.
Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!
And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!
In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.
- - - - - - -
Rainbow Dash shot forth down for what she could identify as Ponyville. It was a relatively easy bit of navigation-So easy, in fact, she nearly overshot it twice. She decided to circle above the town and look close for anything blue-That was easy and she didn't see quite so many... Towns.
"Ugh... Geez," she muttered. "It's like trying to find a blue... Thingy... In a big yellow and green... Thingy!"
She continued to circle, managing to stay above the roofs of the buildings. Frankly she could survive it but she didn't like the idea of spending any more time than she had to unconscious. Or running into things.
"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Greeted a cheerful voice from above. Rainbow Dash looked up and saw the smiling face of Ditzy Doo flying above her.
"Ditzy? What are you doing here?"
"Well I've gone from cameo to fanservice!" She said. "By the way, how do you like my voice?"
Rainbow Dash stared at her partner in weather management. "It's... The same as always?"
"Exactly!" Ditzy said with a little smirk. "Anyway, what are you looking for?"
"The Doctor's blue box thing," Dash replied with a groan. "I can't find it anywhere!"
"Oh! That's all? It's right down there," Ditzy said, pointing at a blue box nearby Sugar Corner. Dash blinked a few times.
"How'd I... Oh nevermind!" She dove down, landing right outside the box. She pressed a hoof to the doors and pulled on them. She grimaced.
"Nngh... Come on, open you stupid thing...!"
Ditzy landed next to her. "Try pushing on the doors."
"But-But it says pull," Dash insisted.
"He is a bit contrary in that way," Ditzy said. Dash pushed the doors of the little blue box open... And stared. She entered it, and then stepped back out again. She trotted around the box, eyeing it from all angles, before reentering it.
"It's... Bigger on the inside?" She asked in disbelief.
"You could just blame your concussion," Ditzy suggested.
"Yeah, I think I'll just go with that." She said. She went inside the blue box. Ditzy shouted after her.
"What are you doing in there, anyway?" She called.
"I'm supposed to press a button. A button that's labeled 'Do Not Press'," Dash called back.
"Check on the console with a big, green lever!" Ditzy shouted back.
"What? This one?" Dash asked. The blue box then lifted off and flew through the sky, spinning like a drunken top made of paper that had been caught by the wind.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Dash shrieked.
"Yes! That one!" Ditzy said cheerfully, waving her hoof after the wildly flying TARDIS.
- - - - - - - -
“TELL ME, TWILIGHT SPARKLE. WHY DO THOU NOT RESPOND?” Boomed Luna, as every non-divine entity clustered together in front of the vault. “RESPOND, MINE BELOVED SUBJECT! TELL ME YOUR PREFERENCE!”
“Our doom is here at last,” moaned Braeburn, “the end of days is nigh! She’s come for our fluids!”
Twilight swallowed, her eyes the size of dinner plates as she stared at the goddess before them, heat literally radiating off of Luna in waves. Twilight swallowed again, wiped a string of drool off of her chin, and smiled as disarmingly as she was able. Which, even considering the circumstances, wasn’t very disarming at all.
“My... ‘preferences’ your highness?” Twilight greatly surprised herself by not stammering like an idiot. “Why, whatever do you mean?”
“Wouldst thou prefer to go first, or shall we get it over with in one big go?” Luna rumbled. It sounded like she was trying to purr seductively, but the effect was somewhat ruined by the rattle in everypony’s bones.
“B-But shouldn’t you just be in heat for boy ponies?” Pinkie squeaked.
“WE HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME, PINKAMENA DIANE PIE,” boomed Luna. “AT THIS POINT EITHER SEX WILL DO!” Thunder and lightning crashed and flashed above them all. “WE ARE NOT PICKY!”
“Oh... oh my,” whispered Fluttershy dreamily, “she’s so... forceful...”
“We’re going to die,” whimpered Spike. “So going to die. I knew it from the start.”
“Ah, Your Highness, perhaps we could talk this out?” The Doctor offered in a very reasonable voice. “I mean, we’re so close to a solution now that wouldn’t involve you... Ah...”
“Rutting us all to our deaths?” Applejack asked dryly.
“DO NOT FEAR, MY LITTLE PONIES,” roared Luna in what she probably thought was a soothing tone, “THOUGH YOU MAY BE TAXED TO YOUR PHYSICAL LIMITS, WE SHALL ALLOW NO HARM TO COME TO YOU.” The princess allowed herself a lecherous grin and hungrily licked her chops. “IF WE KILLED YOU WITH THE VIGOR OF OUR LOVEMAKING, WE COULD NOT DO IT AGAIN... AND AGAIN... AND...”
Fluttershy let out a strangled moan. Applejack gave her a very disturbed look, and then turned to Braeburn, who was trying to hide underneath his hat and muttering about his fluids. Applejack sighed and facehoofed. Big Macintosh was pretty much out of fear for today and so settled on looking resigned.
Twilight was still staring at Luna, mouth agape. Suddenly she turned to glance at the vault behind her, eyes somehow managing to go even wider. A smile slowly began to spread across her face as she looked back and forth between the door and the panting, red-faced alicorn.
“You’ve got that look in your eyes,” the Doctor muttered.
“I do? Which look?” Twilight whispered back.
“The ‘I’m about to be brilliant’ look,” the Doctor answered.
“Now see here!” said Rarity, stepping forward and glaring at the Princess of the Night, “You can’t simply show up and tell us all that we’re going to engage in sexual intercourse with you! As if we hadn’t any choice in the matter! That is so rude!”
“YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED! FEW HAVE RUTTED WITH A GODDESS AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE!” Boomed Luna.
“Ah, wait, wait... T’weren’t you gonna stay with Pipsqueak ‘n be isolated?” Asked Braeburn.
“ALAS! PIPSQUEAK WILL HAVE TO PLAY PIRATES WITH ANOTHER!” Luna declared.
- - - - - - -
Pipsqueak frowned as he poked at the unconscious orange pegasus, who Luna had quickly teleported in with her husband before leaving. Why the two were without armor was a mystery to the young colt, a mystery the nice husband had not suggested an answer to.
“This isn’t much fun when she’s asleep!” He pouted.
“Tell me about it,” Stormcrow sighed, brushing his wife’s hair out of her eyes as she hummed and smiled in her sleep.
- - - - - - - -
“NOW, QUICKLY!” roared Luna as she landed, enormous cracks forming in the tiles beneath her hooves as she turned to present herself to the elements and their companions, “WE HAVE WAITED FOR SO LONG! QUENCH THE FIRES OF OUR NEED WITH YOUR APPENDAGE OF CHOICE!”
Big Macintosh’s eyes widened as Luna’s magic tugged invitingly on his collar. The big stallion squared his shoulders and stepped forward, bravely looking possible death and certain exhaustion not quite in the face. Bracing his hooves and squaring his jaw in determination, he took in all that Luna had to offer, and said, “Eeyup.”
“Oh COME ON!” Fluttershy screamed in frustration.
“Lemme guess, too perilous?” Spike asked flatly. Big Mac shot him a look.
“You disagreein’ with that assessment?” He asked. Spike looked at Luna, terrible and glorious, and back to Big Mac.
“... No,” Spike squeaked.
“No! Don’t do it!” Fluttershy begged, wrapping her forehooves around Mac’s neck and looking pleadingly into his eyes. “I mean, I threw a girl out a window to have you! Are you going to make that all for nothing?”
“Ah do appreciate that,” said Big Mac, bowing his head, “it was mighty neighborly of you and honestly a bit of a turn on. But this here’s the goddess of the night, and she’s gotta get her some sugar. And here are y’all, most of y’all not even really all that into mares, Spike too young, mah cousin scared out of his applebuckin’ mind, and Miss Twilight and mah sister would probably kill their gentlecolts if either of ‘em so much as looked at her for too long.”
Soarin’ and the Doctor carefully cleared their throats and made a show of looking anywhere except at Luna’s wantonly displayed backside. Applejack huffed. Twilight seemed to be busy doing something to the vault.
“So if not me, then who?” Big Macintosh finished, using one oversized hoof to brush a tear off of Fluttershy’s cheek. “Ah can’t say it don’t scare me none, but a stallion’s gotta do who a stallion’s gotta do. And for the sake of y’all, I gotta do her.”
“...that only makes me want you more!” wailed Fluttershy. “Don’t worry Big Mac, I’ll save you!”
Whirling, the buttercup-colored pegasus planted her hooves and unleashed the full power of The Stare.
“Art thou going to rut us or not?” grumbled Luna.
Turning a darker shade of red, Fluttershy floated up into the air and flew over to land in front of Luna. Now at an angle where she could actually see the other mare’s eyes, she spread her wings and brought forth The Stare. Again.
Luna’s eyes widened as she beheld the full fury of Fluttershy’s power. Frowning a little and wiggling her hips as if she were about to pounce, Luna inched forward, glaring right back. Fluttershy reared slightly in surprise, then redoubled her efforts, a bead of sweat running down the side of her face as she faced Luna with every ounce of willpower she possessed.
“If you wish, we can make you our second partner after we have finished with him,” said Luna in what would have been a conspirational whisper were she in fact capable of whispering at all. Fluttershy’s eyes, against all logic and good sense, actually opened up a little wider at the thought.
“...okay!” Fluttershy finally managed, biting her lip in anticipation. “She’s all yours Mac!”
“YES!” screamed Luna, shaking the very foundations of Canterlot castle, “AT LAST! STRADDLE OUR DARK SHAPELY FLANKS, AND PROCLAIM THAT WE ARE A NAUGHTY PONY!”
Neighing heroically, Big Mac reared upwards and prepared to give Luna exactly what she wanted. Then the remains of the long strip of carpeting that lead to the vault tore itself out of the floor and wrapped around the stallion like an affectionate python. Mac let out a bark of surprise and began struggling as the carpet dragged him back over to the fault door. Rarity frowned at the wriggling bundle as it passed, her horn glowing with the effort of keeping the big male restrained.
“Really darling?” she growled, “you fight me tooth and hoof and all she has to do is bend over and say ‘come and get it’? I suppose there’s no accounting for taste.” She turned back to Luna, only to find the alicorn less than an inch in front of her muzzle, glaring balefully at the fashionista with brightly glowing eyes. Rarity let out a shrill cry and fell back on her rump in surprise.
“YOU DARE!?” boomed Luna, “WE BURN WITH DESIRE FOR A MATE, AND YOU PULL THAT RELIEF FROM OUR VERY GRASP? YOU WOULD COCK BLOCK THE GODDESS OF THE NIGHT SKY!?”
The unicorn narrowed her eyes. “Rarity blocks whatever cocks she wants,” she growled.
Luna stared at her for another moment, and then her face once again twisted into a perverse leer. Rarity’s resolve quickly cracked and broke beneath the pressure of that horrible smile, but when she turned to flee she found she was floating in mid-air. Luna’s horn flashed brightly as it brought the struggling unicorn closer.
“THEN YOU SHALL TAKE HIS PLACE!” Luna declared, “PREPARE YOUR BODY!”
Luna loomed over Rarity, her eyes glowing ominously. Rarity gulped and trembled.
“I... I can’t say I’m entirely averse to this...”
Spike’s eyes widened, and then narrowed. His fists clenched deeply, and his tail straighted out.
He ran from his spot next to Twilight and the Doctor, putting himself in front of Rarity. The purple maned beauty gasped.
“No Spike! Get out of the way!” Rarity shouted.
“Don’t be a hero!” The Doctor cried.
“Please! Spare him, he’s too young!” Twilight shouted.
“This isn’t that kind of story!” Wailed Pinkie Pie.
“HMMM... WE HAVE NOT HAD A DRAGON BEFORE, BUT IT MIGHT PROVE TO BE INTERESTING-” Luna began, but was interrupted by Spike’s tiny fist ramming into her chin.
He glared furiously at Luna, smoke drifting from his nostrils as his green eyes glowed.
“Listen here lady! I’ve had to put up with my mother slash big sister slash boss figure acting horny and weird all day, my crush having to relieve her heat with another male, and everypony acting crazy!” He shook his fist in Luna’s shocked face. “I’M NOT PUTTING UP WITH IT ANYMORE! So just TAKE A HIKE ALREADY!”
The chamber was silent. Everypony stared in some measure of disbelief. Save for the Doctor, who looked impressed; and Rarity, who looked ready to jump Spike right now.
Luna was silent for several moments, before she smiled saucily.
“Thou hast spirit...” She smirked. “IT WILL MAKE BREAKING THEE INTO MINE PET MORE ENJOYABLE! YOU WILL BE THE FIRST I HOOF!”
“Oh snap,” Spike groaned.
“See, that’s why it was too perilous,” Big Macintosh said before going back to gnawing his way out of the carpeting.
“Does anyone else hear that?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Again?”
“The sound of our approaching doom? Oh yeah,” Applejack said.
Luna took hold of Spike and lifted him up. His eyes widened as hers were clouded in lust.
“No, no, the other thing,” she said, tapping her chin with her hoof. “Kind of a loud, wheezy, groaning sound... And a whistle?”
The Doctor grinned.
“Spike! Quick, take this!” The Doctor yelled, throwing something to Spike. “It’s locking onto it!”
“What’s locking onto what?” Spike demanded. He held up the object-The sonic screwdriver. He looked at the confused face of Princess Luna, and quickly acted.
“Catch!” He shouted, tossing it to her. So surprised, the princess caught the device in her teeth.
The dome above was smashed as a tiny blue house flew through it, spinning like a top. It came down right on top of Luna’s head, slamming her chin right into the marble floor of the chamber.
Spike fell hard onto the floor, yelping as he landed square on his tail. “Ow... Ow... My tail... Ow...!”
It tipped over and fell on it’s side. The doors opened, and a very dizzy looking Rainbow Dash tumbled out.
“Ugh... I found the thing...” She looked apologetic. “I might have thrown up somewhere.”
“Great work, Rainbow Dash!” The Doctor said cheerfully. “And ponies say you weren’t the smart one!”
“Who says? One of you... Guys?” Dash asked angrily, shaking her hoof at a point somewhere over the Doctor’s right shoulder.
“Oh, poor Dashie!” Pinkie Pie said, hugging her best friend. “Are you still concussed in a way that’s funny, or do you have internal bleeding?”
“How am I supposed to know...?” Dash groaned. “Tell me, am I still sexy?”
“Yes!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
“I can live,” she said.
“Yes!” squealed Twilight as she literally hoped over to the TARDIS, “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
“Twilight?” asked Applejack, “are y’all okay?”
“YES!” yelled Twilight, “and pretty soon we’re all going to be okay!” The purple unicorn paused briefly to nudge Luna’s horn. The alicorn twitched, once, and then went back to being out cold. Twilight clapped her hooves together with glee and levitated Luna into the air, pulling the princess along behind her as she pranced over to the vault door.
“I must admit,” said the Doctor as Twilight reached her destination, “when I said you looked like you were about to be brilliant, I was expecting something a bit more... overly complicated. What are we going to do with an unconscious pony goddess?”
Twilight shot him a smug look as she levitated Luna’s body up to the vault’s lock. With a sparkle of her magic, she slipped Luna’s horn into the lock, and then rotated her a hundred and eighty degrees. The lock clicked, and blinding white light shone outwards as the enormous doors began to drift ponderously open.
“WOOHOO!” screamed Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down with glee. “Now the next time I ride Braeburn like a racehorse it’ll just be because he’s sexy and not because I’m suffering from magic hormones!”
“WOOHOO!” yelled Braeburn.
“Oh thank all that’s apple flavored,” sighed Big Mac, no longer struggling. Fluttershy squeed softly and nuzzled him.
“Dibs on the case,” said Rarity before going back to hugging a blissed-out Spike.
“Well, looks like we’re not going to need Plan B after all,” said Soarin’, rubbing the back of his head, “I uh, I guess I’m happy for you...”
“Ya wanna come on back to the farm after this is all over?” asked Applejack. “We can share a big ol’ apple pie... or... you know, whatever.”
“Well, come on everypony, let’s get situated,” Twilight said, hoofing out the various Elements. She looked at the Doctor with a smile. “Can you get everypony else out of here?”
“Hm?” The Doctor blinked. Twilight looked to the side.
“Well... I need to concentrate on getting the activation for the elements just right, and it’ll be easier if we’re not... Distracted.”
“Ah! Say no more,” the Doctor said quickly. He trotted over to the TARDIS, and grunted as he pushed hard against it. “Come on... Come on old girl, up you go.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said. He trotted over and pressing his head against the TARDIS. With a single lift of his powerful neck mucles, it was flipped right-side-up. The Doctor grinned.
“Good! Now, let’s get Princess Luna inside. She’ll recover faster in there.”
“And then-” Twilight began, but the Doctor nodded rapidly.
“And then we’ll leave, we’ll leave.”
“Good, good,” Twilight said, gathering the other holders to her. All the while with that same strange smile.
- - - - - - - -
“Wow... You know, I kind of expected this to end a lot worse,” Spike mused aloud, as the door shut behind all of the males. They stood in the hallway, resting on their haunches or just relaxing on the carpet. The Doctor looked over at the young purple dragon, who was fiddling with the Master’s laser screwdriver.
“I expected as much about you,” the Doctor said with a nod. Spike scowled at him.
“Oh gee, thanks,” Spike growled. “I’ll have you know everypony thinks I’m very positive and upbeat, isn’t that right guys?”
“Nope,” Big Macintosh opined.
“Nuh uh,” Braeburn observed.
“I’ve just met you and I think you’re a stick in the mud,” Soarin’ said with a little grin.
“Oh buck you all!” Spike growled, shaking the laser screwdriver at them. He frowned as he looked it over. “How did Twilight manage to make this blow up, anyway?”
“Oh, that was simple,” the Doctor explained with a smile. He pointed to a burnt and blackened part of the device. “See this? This is the transcendental dimensional radiator. It dumps the waste heat from the laser into a pocket dimension within itself that’s bigger-”
“On the inside, right,” Spike finished with a sigh. “And heat can’t just go nowhere, it has to go somewhere.”
“Right! Thermodynamics, it always applies. You can’t get rid of the heat, you can only...” The Doctor trailed off. His eyes widened as a terrible thought occurred.
“You can only move it,” Spike finished again. He scowled at the Doctor. “Are you going to make a habit of that or-”
“Heat! Heat Spike, don’t you get it?” The Doctor cried, grabbing the dragon’s shoulders and shaking him.
“Wh-Wh-What?” Spike cried. The Doctor let go and ran to the door that now blocked the way into the chamber. He held up his sonic screwdriver and whirred it at the door as the other males trotted over.
“What? What is it?” Braeburn asked.
“The heat! The magically induced heat is from magical energy! It has to go somewhere!” The Doctor cried as he ran through several settings.
“Yeah, we know that,” Spike said with a scowl. “That was the whole point of our quest, remember?”
“Except that you can’t just vent magical energy, there has to be a medium of exchange like water!” The Doctor quickly explained. “Something you can transfer the heat to!”
“So?” Soarin’ asked. Spike’s eyes widened just as much as the Doctor’s had, as the little dragon grasped the enormity of the problem.
“So that means the vent is going to go through ponies!” The dragon gasped.
“How many-?” Soarin’ began, before Big Mac and Braeburn too experienced the horror of realization.
“All of ‘em,” Big Mac growled, as though cursing. Soarin’ gulped.
“Exactly!” The Doctor explained through gritted teeth as he tried another setting. “Damn!” He turned to Big Macintosh. “Big Mac!”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said, understanding perfectly. He galloped back away from the door down the hallway, coming around next to a suit of armor. Closing his eyes to do a bit of math, the big red stallion reopened his eyes and snorted.
“Move!” He rumbled as he charged. The rest of the males scattered as Big Mac powered on for the door like a freight train. At the last minute, echoing his sister he pivoted on his front hooves, swung his back hooves around, and kicked with all of his might.
The door shuddered and the surface splintered from the force of the blow, but it held firm. The Doctor shook his head.
“Don’t worry Doc, we’re on it! Come on guys, we need more distance!” Soarin’ ordered. He took to the air and flew down the hallway, Braeburn and Big Macintosh following. The Doctor turned to Spike.
“Spike! We need to weaken it as much as possible!”
“On it!” Spike declared. He sucked in as deep a breath as possible and blew, a gout of green flame leaving his mouth and blasting against the stone door. The stone was highly resistant, but dragon fire was far more potent than regular fire, and more cracks and splinters appeared in it’s surface.
Soarin’, Braeburn and Big Mac galloped up the hallways until they came to a stop at a fork. Soarin’ looked down at the Earth Ponies.
“All right. Get a running start from here. I’ll accelerate in...” He did the math in his head. “Five seconds!”
“Six would be better,” Big Mac said. “Gotta meet it all at once.”
“You sure?” Soarin’ asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Hey, trust yer future brother-in-law, he can do math like Rain Pony,” Braeburn said. Soarin’ scowled.
“This really the time for jokes?”
“Yer assuming ah was,” Braeburn said with a little grin. Big Macintosh gave the Wonderbolt a steely glare, to which Soarin’ gulped and nodded.
“Fair enough! Okay... Go!”
Big Mac and Braeburn took off, charging around the bend of the hallway like Nightmare Moon was right behind them. Soarin’ began counting down.
“Six, five, four...”
Back at the door, the Doctor grinned as his sonic screwdriver began reacting.
“Fantastic! I’ve got the frequency! We just need one hard push!”
“Phew!” Spike said, ceasing his flames. “Good! Don’t think I could blow it for them much longer!”
The dragon then groaned and facepalmed.
“I really said that didn’t I...?”
“It’s that kind of day,” the Doctor said as Big Mac and Braeburn came around the corner. “Move!”
Spike and the Doctor dove out of the way as Big Mac and Braeburn charged on. Above them, a blue blur appeared, zipping right for the doorway. As one, the Apple family members pivoted around to buck the door, and in the same instant the Wonderbolt’s front hooves struck the weakened stone.
The door exploded inward, leaving dust and debris in it’s passing. The Doctor galloped through, Spike and the other males only a few steps behind them. They came to a stop before a beautiful, and ominous sight.
All six of the Holders-Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy - floated above them, encompassed in a powerful magical glow. All of them had their eyes closed as the powerful magics emanated from them like light and heat from stars.
“Twilight Sparkle!” The Doctor cried. Twilight opened her eyes, which were filled with light. She smiled down upon them.
“Doctor,” Twilight replied in a purr.
“You planned this from the start didn’t you?” The Doctor asked, a wry smile on his face nevertheless.
“What gave me away?” Twilight asked with a smirk.
“Your ‘I’m about to be brilliant’ face, as well as a hundred little other tells I missed,” the Doctor said. Twilight nodded.
“Yes. Rather than an eternal heat for us and everypony we come in contact with-”
“It will be a heat affecting every pony in Equestria for about... Ten minutes?” The Doctor asked.
“Exactly!” Twilight grinned.
“Works for me!” Rainbow Dash said happily.
“Same here!” Pinkie Pie cried.
“Don’t sound too bad, given the alternatives,” Applejack mused.
“Agreed!” Rarity cheered.
“I’m just happy to get mounted until I can’t think straight,” Fluttershy sighed. Big Mac gulped.
The Doctor sighed. “Well played... You naughty, naughty girl.”
“So now what?” Spike demanded.
“Only one thing to do,” the Doctor mused. “Big Mac?”
“Throw Spike into the TARDIS please,” the Doctor said. Big Mac nodded.
“What? But I-!” Spike tried, but Big Mac gripped him by the back of his neck and threw him through the doors of the big blue box. “WAH!” They shut tightly behind him, and Twilight smiled as did Rarity.
“Thank you,” Twilight said as her eyes began to shine with the radiance of several suns. “That would have been awkward.”
“Tell me about it,” the Doctor said, as the Elements went off and a pillar of rainbow colored energy burst from the dome and spread out across Equestria.
- - - - - - - -
Unlike the Harry Potter epilogue, the epilogue to this will not disappoint and piss off the entire fanbase. Just some of the fanbase.