Into the Fire

Gevarel had never felt safe in his life. From foalhood he had learned to watch his own back, to be constantly vigilant against his worst nightmares. And he had become very good at it. He was sure he had escaped from the nightmares... until that night.
Now, even after escaping, the nightmares still haunt him as memories of the past. Will he find redemption? Or will the nightmares he had been running from his whole life finally catch him?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 10 )

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Power to the Bronys

Power to the Bronys #1 · Mar 29th, 2013 · 1 · · Of Khubz and Sagat ·

Well, Rohi, you have once again proven in my eyes what marvelous writing you are capable of. It's very good, and I love the character of Mel: all good stories need somepony like him. The over all plot is very good, and you do a good job of making me feel very empathetic towards Gevarel.

However, you do need to go through and do some editing. There where a few points when you sometimes left out a word or two, and some of the paragraphs don't have proper line spacing between them. But other then that it's all good as far as I can see. I also applaud your use of various complex terms and long sentence and paragraph structures. Good to know that you have a solid base in vocabulary.

You also did a good job with referrancing the Arabian culture. I very much felt like I was in another place. You have a very good skill and talent in writing, which I incourage you to pursue with full force. The world needs good writers like you.
-Power to the Bronys

IceQB

IceQB #2 · Mar 29th, 2013 · 1 · · Prologue ·

Hey man, dropped by from one of ur friend's page XD Decided to check it out... so far so good, but here are little things I found in this prologue.

Unceremoniously, he dropped himself into a sitting position before the fire; drops of moisture fell to the floor in front of him as he stared into the flames, but they were no longer sweat.

^ its kinda weird reading 'dropped himself into a .... drops of moisture'... perhaps change either drop to some other word? iunno, its just weird to read 2 drops that quickly o.o

It’s 1:30 again.

^ I presume AM? o.o

His head ~~was~~ hung low, and he mumbled something in a different language as he finally settled once again in front of the fire.

^ try this

IceQB

IceQB #3 · Mar 29th, 2013 · · · Of Khubz and Sagat ·

More little minor editing XD... okay many minor o.o LOL BUT BEFORE THAT

"Nothing at all, my friend. I am simply a crazy stallion with a lazy eye who is obsessed with his music."

^ who gave u permission to describe me? LOL... anyways...

The commotion from the market square was rowdy and boisterous as usual, with ponies ~~gathered~~ gathering around vendors, waving their bits in the air and shouting their haggling cries over each other.

^here

Carts [were] pushed through the crowds[,] and entertainers of every sort set up their stands to make a few bits, adding to the disorder even more.

^ I had to re-read it a lot of times to get the gist of it.. i kept reading "carts pushed through the crowds and entertainers of every sort..."
Lol carts can't push xD

Across the square in a narrow alley, away from the bustle, he and another pony stood in the shadows;

^who's he?

Gevarel shook his head hard, forcing the thoughts out of his head and trotting along once again.

^ I can understand you can shake ur head to force thoughts out of ur head, making sense of the first part of the sentence; But u cant shake ur head to trot lol o.o correct me if im wrong on this grammatical structuring
Try this:
Gevarel shook his head hard, forcing the thoughts out of his head, and [trotted] along once again.

kanafeh

^ what's that? Translations pl0x :D

but under then the starting hiccups, i think im holding liquid pride from flowing out. QQ. u got me right in the heart there with the last scene. i will expect more from you, but for now, a thumbs up and a follow will do :)

Zach TheDane

Zach TheDane #4 · Mar 29th, 2013 · · · Of Khubz and Sagat ·

2338379 Thanks for your proofreading! Honestly, a writer is his own worst editor.
I am completely aware of the punctuation and grammatical errors sprinkled throughout here, but I shall edit them post-haste!

IceQB

IceQB #5 · Mar 29th, 2013 · 1 · · Of Khubz and Sagat ·

2338698 np XD always around to help :) It helps me too lol... proof reading my own work takes a lot more effort than proof reading others o.o

Radical

Radical #6 · Mar 29th, 2013 · · · Prologue ·

Alright, this was a pretty okay story.

If horses can sweat, I think we understood he was sweating, it was a bit repetitive. I didn't see much wrong with your grammar and punctuation, not that I could see anyway.

I need more information though, I'd better read the next chapter.

I give you a out of

Zach TheDane