"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal has dared to dream before." - Edgar Allen Poe
The Writers' Group56,307 stories ·9,281 members
Dark8,309 stories ·3,758 members
Brony Horror1,373 stories ·1,109 members
All Things Horror!298 stories ·189 members
I don't know where I am, nor can I remember who I am. All I know is everything around me is black. The darkness that comforts me in my sleep is gone; it is replaced by an atmosphere of unrest and fear. Worst of all, I feel I am not alone.
To fully enjoy this story, read this story alone, in the dark, at night, with headphones, and listen to the following ambiance.
Page generated in 0.114 seconds
Total duration
1,090 users online
2,140,571 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
*Series of monumental claps from heaven*
I love this story. Fav'd
That's awesome! Especially with the ambient music for setting the mood. Just a suggestion: I feel like this story could have been taken to a whole new level if it was written in second person considering your intentions in reader involvement.
I learned something very important from this story. Only read in day time and never at night in a dark house with that music playing
2733587 But that's what helps set the atmosphere!
2735338 Relax, just joking
Still a great story 
2735341 I thought so.
Once again, glad you enjoyed it. 
Not bad but I do not scare. I even had all the right settings for this: almost midnight, listening to the music with headphones, black setting on the page, alone but for my mostly-black cat on my lap. But no. No scare for me. Nice try.
But you did get an emotional response from me at the end. When I (finally) realized who "I" was, I couldn't help but chuckle at the ending.
All in all, good story but no fear.
Better luck next time.
Good job on this one mate. Although I find that reading horror stories with characters I already know tends to put off the scare a little. For some reason, an OC walking in creepy woods is scarier than when Sweetie Belle, (or Twilight or Rainbow etc) does it. Just my personal opinion.
Silver out!
I liked the music. It did seem to add to the story but I think it was because of coincidental jarring moments of music that seemed to time themselves with the suspenseful and sudden shocks of the story.
The story is good but a little less frightening because I grew up in rural areas and have frequently been in the woods at night.
The language is good and there are a few moments when the phraseology is particularly aware. My favorite being " ... ;instead, it followed me" which was pretty creepy and probably a more atmospheric and subjective way to use the description. You also seem to have very few errors, if any, grammatically. I don't recall seeing anything that caught my eye as incorrect or awkward.
I am also quite enchanted with the overall lack of gore in the story. I've always felt that a certain amount is useful to a story but that line is easily, and almost always, crossed. This story is far more atmospheric horror than plot driven and that is a very viable form of scare.
I also love the first person narrative because it is far more valuable for supplanting the reader in the place of the character than second person ever is. We experience the story as the character does and we know what they know.
This story seems to draw much of its power from the unknown. We know very little about the main character (until the end) and we never know where we are or why. We also don't know what these things are that are appearing (I mean, we know what they represent but not what they really or why) and that has a certain haunting energy as well.
Something that bothered me was how many sentences begin with "I". This isn't easy to overcome or replace but I did catch myself thinking 'Okay... I, I, I, ... yep, another I,' so varying a little could probably benefit the story some, but this is a minor thing and I've been struggling with it as well because it seems to naturally flow in that subject, verb, predicate kind of way that is hard to break, especially when trying to reduce the number of passive voice sentences (although I don't know why so many have such issue with passive voice).
The only other thing that I didn't like was the straight-forward ending. Not that this is technically a poor form of storytelling but most horror stories have a ubiquitous twist at the end that makes the reader think "What? Holy crap."
I enjoy hat you seem to write a lot of horror/dark genre and I think that's great. I also love your lack of gore in this story. Your structure works well and the grammar is very well done. So well, in fact, that I am only writing this critique because I think you deserve it. You may be writing a fanfiction but the quality is good and shows that you took it seriously. Much of it is leaps ahead of what one normally finds (and subsequently must overlook) and this story deserves more views for its execution and style. Alas, stories here are a perfunctory and generally masturbatory effort that leaves many good stories to simply waste away and no amount of caliber or engineering can make the ignorant peel themselves away from bad storytellers with a certain degree of contacts, marketing, or outright stupidity.
I'd give this story a 7/10. I think you did well with it and show a lot of promise.
................................I don't get it.
6909180
You and me both.