- Member Since 12th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Tuesday
SCP Pinkamena
Escaped SCP: Always running, never stopping
SCP Pinkamena
Joined 12th Feb, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Dusk Writer · 8.3k words · 324 10 · 6.4k views
- MintMetal · 5.1k words · 88 3 · 2.1k views
- KaBar42 · 34k words · 356 33 · 5.7k views
- MenialLabor · 53k words · 934 33 · 13k views
- SCP Pinkamena · 13k words · 53 8 · 4.4k views
- BlackWing · 247k words · 1,636 93 · 11k views
- LakieLegion · 13k words · 34 3 · 1.8k views
- Mr Dorito · 5.6k words · 132 31 · 3.1k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.108 seconds
Total duration
1,071 users online
2,085,309 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
So far, it looks great!(though it's only from the description so I hope it really does turn out good)
3006366 Pretty much knocked down a building and I'm going to rebuild it from the ground up. Wish me luck
huh, so does this mean that they aren't gonna be separated, or does that just happen later?
3010015 Like I said in the Note above the first chapter, everything is rebooted, revised, and remade.
Okay dude, I'm gonna have to stop you for a second. As someone who's read both your first version and your coming second, I think you're running into a few issues with this second version.
- Pacing. The first version was a little on the fast side, but it was decently paced to maintain some dramatic tension without being overbearing. The scene with the best pacing (and I think was overall the best) was the section at the rock farm, where she searches for her family. The scene that had the worst pacing was Twilight's recollection of Spike in the library. Despite holding a huge potential for dramatic tension and character introspection because Spike was such a central character to Twilight, it merely got a paragraph of blase gore before Twilight puts a few rounds in him, leading to a scene change and the audience instantly forgetting such an important character moment. No tension, little drama, not enough substance.
This version is starting to delve into the, "too fast for its own good" territory. In the span of just over 800 words, we see the emergence of an unknown zombie thread, the Mane 6 coming to grasp with what's going on, internal worry about their families, and the instant transition from civilians to survivors. Sure, you covered the topics, but you did so in a manner and depth that is insubstantial and unsatisfying; if this were a movie, it'd be like filming a major plot point for character development from start to finish in 5 seconds of film. Each of these topics have the potential to be hugely important and deeply interesting, yet they seem utterly glossed-over to the point of being footnotes in a character-centered story.
I understand that you feel rushed to push out your revisions to an existing story (I've been there and done that), but I strongly urge you to consider character topics such as that with much more depth. Consider dedicating chapters of down-time for character development and exploration topics such as family. Additionally, have action chapters centered around such topics as well (such as having Twilight, in a spurt of guilt-ridden fervor, separate from the group to search for Spike in the center of zombie-infested Ponyville); perhaps while that's happening, get the remaining 5 to Sweet Apple Acres, where they drop their civilian baggage and train to be survivors in the barn's relative safety. Eitherway, if your story is going to be character-centric, these topics deserve more than just 200 word footnotes in the center of a chapter with meandering focus.
- Descriptions. In terms of style, your action descriptions are competent, even good at times. But there are still times when I'm confused just what's going on. In the previous version, I was under the impression that Twilight was only armed with a pistol because you only mentioned the bullpup rifle she had in the past when, "she first fired a gun"; this caused a lot of confusion two sentences later, when you mentioned pulling back on a bolt to chamber a round, bolts being somewhat anachronistic on a pistol.
Furthermore, your descriptions of settings that aren't chaotic are lacking or missing altogether. Even though the Mane 6 gather into Sugarcube Corner in this version, we never get a description of it other than the stuff they use. There's a lot of potential in the contrast between the bright sugar-coated interior of the bakery and the unrestrained chaos that's going on just outside its doors, yet I was disappointed to never see it used. I'm sure your audience knows what Sugarcube Corner looks like and knows what to expect, but it helps set any scene better just to have some description and details to dress each scene's set.
- Geography and Time. I'm a big fan of background and larger-universe canon, but I just don't see the whole, "Equestria exists inside America" as being necessary or even beneficial. In truth, the introduction of having a seceded monarchical principality in the dead-center of mainland America where the two countries exist relatively peacefully is distracting and absurd. I get that it's trying to establish a foundation for the rise of zombies in addition to setting up the Big-Bad while finding weight in our geographic reality, but I feel that the story was better without that baggage. Humanized stories don't need to be set on Earth to justify humans, and they often manage to be much more easily grasped and understood if they're set in the simplicity of a humanized Equestria; the first version of this story did that, and it was much stronger because of it.
In addition, I'm very confused as to the overarching chronology of this story. What year is it? There are barely any hints at a set time, date, or era, so much of what's going on was very confusing to me. America exists, putting the story post 1776. Equestria is set in the center of America, so it must be sometime after the Louisiana Purchase (1803) or later. Wagons and carriages are mainstream, so it must be before the 1900s or in a less industrialized region. Yet the science and research methods (no mention to supernatural reasons for zombies was ever stated in this story) to even attempt biological modification weren't put to use until the 20th century and couldn't bear much fruit until the mid 20th. Furthermore, the cover art displays guns and magic, yet those have not made any prominent roles thus far; good cover art is hard to find, though, so I'll overlook it. Regardless, there's a lot of conflicting information being given with no explicit answers, and it leads to quite a bit of confusion.
I still like your story and I will continue reading it. But as a reader who wants to help, I suggest that you nip these problems in the bud before you proceed with the further chapters.
3010617 Well, first off, if you WAITED for the next chapters, it would make MORE SENSE than it does now. And the reason why it's in the Center of America (Spoilers, mind you) Is because they'll later meet up with the casts of Left 4 Dead 1 and 2. In places like Riverside, or Atlanta That's where the whole, "I told you Vampires existed!" thing came in. It was the Beginning for Francis and Zoey And not only that, but for the Green Flu itself, it's either Airborne or when you come into contact with someone that's infected. You'll turn in seconds, look at the Sacrifice comic on Francis' story. He was infected, but showed no symptoms, he kissed his girl and she turned and threw up in his mouth. (Disgusting I know...) Immediately after that, she turned and tried to pounce him and kill him.
And let me tell ya something.
Pacing It's fast on purpose, because of who fast the virus spreads, and also it's not that hard to put two and two together to realize that they're zombies. I put what I call the "Human Element" inside some stories that I write. In To Survive, I thought that the pace was too slow, I wasn't getting anywhere, so that's why this came out of the remains. So now it has a fresh start and a new storyline in general.
Descriptions The only reason I don't used truly detailed descriptions, is because it clutters for me. I understand that the building was a cobalt baby blue, just say blue! It makes it easier! And of course people know what SCC looks like, so I didn't bother what to describe it, and before you even say "How did Rainbow look down the road to the bar?" The front of the building has windows on it, she easily looked back and then back to them.
Geography and Time I chose it to be in the center of America for the specific reasons of CEDA, The Left 4 Dead cast, and other things that you'll find out later in the story.
I am happy that you like it, but please, you CAN'T criticize that much or I'll loose my drive and will most likely delete this story. I love it too much to delete it, but if I keep getting criticized like that, it'll convince me that this story is garbage and I wont make another one like it.
3010703
Whoa whoa whoa, let's not fly off the handle over this.
I, in no way, shape, or form, meant to push you into cancelling something you hold dear. Criticism, while it points out flaws, is meant to be constructive. It points out flaws in a polite manner so that the author knows what to consider and improve upon. My post wasn't meant to be an attack of any sort, but simple suggestions based on the perspective of one member of your audience.
That being said, every story worth its salt is going to get criticism. Getting criticism means that your story caught the eye of someone interested enough to think more deeply about your story than the average reader. These people care enough about your story to give it an honest appraisal, and they put effort into delivering a message to the author and the public about how the story can be stronger. I don't normally do those sorts of posts, but I did it for this one because I felt something should be said.
The trick is to learn how to handle criticism professionally and beneficially. Don't fear the critic, and don't think their statements are a personal attack towards you. Listen to what they say, thank them genuinely or not, review your work with their argument in mind, decide whether their argument is valid or not, and adjust accordingly; because of their objective views and generally well-read backgrounds, I've found the genuine critics of this site to be quite accurate in their appraisals.
But above all else, don't make a stink about receiving criticism. We're trying to help you and your story out. Please don't repay us with, "your suggestions are unwelcome and I will delete my story if you continue."
I am not here to attack you a la the now defunct TWE (the bad portion of them anyways). Even though our opinions clearly differ, I am here to be honest with you. I want to see your story continue, but I also would like to see it improve, and my previous post showed the concerns I have as a member of your audience.
At the same time, however, you have to be honest with yourself. As an author who publishes their work to a public site, you are going to have to learn how to take proper criticism and avoid this, "if you don't like it, I'll take my ball and go home" attitude. No one benefits from that.
3012165 True, but when your criticized by your peers inside and outside of school, you learn to fear everything really fast... I just don't like criticism, just like how you don't like a certain food or something.
Ooh, can't wait for the next chapter!
I like how this story is going, while the pacing at the start was fast (I understand why) it was still easy to follow along. The story had a few errors here and there, but otherwise great! But you really shouldn't take my word for it, there are other, much more adequate people that will give you a better response then I did.
POOTIS
3041400 Fun Fact: It took me about thirty minutes to figure out lyrics for the Left 4 Dead Theme
3042327
It has lyrics? I had no idea. Just sounds like ambient noise to me. Well, the more you know!
3042557 It doesn't, I made them all up!
3042632
Oh... okay... whatever... >.>
Still, nice lyrics :P
Lololololololololololololololololololo.olololololololololololololololoolololololololo.ololllollollollloolloolloollollllllllloolllooollllloloooooolloololllllollloolllll..llll.l.lllloooooooool insert bad joke here
3072718 Yo dawg...
DAMN SON!!! Oh and great chapter btw
NO! NOT SCOOTALOO!
3124087 We must acceptable sacrifices... but how well are they?
So was scoots a zed or non infected
3245062 Never answered. Sorry.
Scoots was Zed. Probably don't want to here that, but yes, Scoots was Zed
3125035
Bill did a Damn good one for the team
. . .
. . . .
. . . . .
WHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEE
BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
That... really was dark. Very good, but still really, really dark.
O shit zombies in equestria! Shit just got real for them.
o damn they r in for one he'll of a mind-fuck 
,and twilight and rainbow dash were first to find out. O please update soon I really want to know how this goes down. 
It took a while for me to stop laughing after reading this!
You should continue this series.