She has succeeded in her studies, has five great friends who love her, and above all, has become a newly-crowned Equestrian princess. Surely, Twilight must be the happiest mare alive. Right?
Perhaps not. After all, change is a terrifying thing. Though Twilight does not yet understand her new place in the world, she must learn to adapt to the changes in her life, big and small.
This is an introductory story; that is, my premiere on Fimfiction. Please let me know what I'm doing well, or what I can improve upon.
Chapters (1)
I liked it, and my greatest regret is that I honestly don't have much in the way of critique to offer. The length was appropriate, given the story, and I think that the pacing was spot on as well.
..err.. mm..ok...umm... where to start?
Ok first off, that descriptive part at the start seemed kind of out of place, it was well done, but it didn't really feel necessary in my opinion.
The Harlem shake reference was nice, but at the same time I cant help but feel it could have been done better.
The part with twilight and Rarity arguing seemed rushed, and it didn't really have a very good build up. To be honest, the scene didn't really work for me.
The ending was kind very Cliché, I saw it from a mile away and it didn't do anything I haven't seen already, the whole "It will all be fine" ending works and I like it, but it could have been done better and in a more satisfying way.
With all that said there were a number of good things: Everypony stayed in character, which is always good, and is not always easy to do.
As said before the Harlem shake reference wasn't amazing but it still made me smile.
The part with rainbow dash worked well and the flying scene pretty good, and the moral at the end was well done.
There is plenty of room for improvement here but overall this is a good premier into the publishing world of fimfiction. Keep writing and I hope to see more from you in the future.
Final thoughts: I liked it, not amazing but I liked it. Thumbs up
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Ooh, critique!
Anyway, I can explain a few points here.
First off, this entire story was written in about two days. I'm not perfectly happy with it, but I think it turned out well.
That being said, I attempted to keep pace appropriately proportional to the sense of tension. I can understand the bit in the beginning being unnecessary, but I was trying to start slow. Guess that didn't work too well.
The reference...yeah I may have botched it a bit. Not much explaining away I can do there. As for the argument between Rarity and Twilight, this was honestly the hardest part for me to write. I didn't really do it justice, I think, mostly because Rarity's character is so hard for me to understand.
And the ending? Oh yeah, corny in the extreme. I tried to keep the general tone of the show throughout, but I feel I overdid it in the end. That and, well, I was so excited to have finished a story that I didn't put as much thought into it as I should've.
All things considered, I'm very glad you liked it, and (bad as I am at gracefully accepting it) I appreciate the feedback. (Posting from my phone so I can't use emotes, but just imagine Twilight smiling at you XD)
This is pretty good. There are a few things I want to point out, however.
First, there were a few places (I believe three) where a paragraph was not indented. This can be a little jarring to the reader, and is especially off-putting when the first paragraph isn't indented.
Second, Twilight seems a little self-contradictory in that first paragraph. She's ready to start the day, but it seems is also trying to get some extra sleep, and is therefore not ready to start the day.
With how quickly Rarity and Twilight started arguing, I got the feeling there was some other issue going on that they were actually upset about. That situation escalated too quickly for what was said to really be the problem.
Also, I would have expected Rarity to at least greet Fluttershy before gushing in excitement about Princess Twilight being there. I was surprised she was so rude to the pony she was originally there to spend time with.
The flight scene could have been a little longer. I had expected a little more emphasis on flying for a story entitled "First Flight."
The ending... Cliché, yes, but very much in keeping with how an episode would end. Overall I would say you succeeded in keeping to the tone of the show, so well done there.
Oh, and
...is a tad redundant.
So in closing, as I said before, this is pretty good. And as NebulaNyx pointed out, ponies stayed in character (At least mostly. Still not so sure about Rarity.), which can be difficult to pull off. Have a thumbs up.
2323533 Lyrical Prose Listen to this guy. He knows what he's talking about.
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Thanks for the feedback, and thumbs up, first off. You guys rock!
So I looked through some of your suggestions, Late_To_The_Party, and I have to say, I agree with pretty much all of them. Most of these were amateurish mistakes that I probably could have avoided by giving this piece some (read: a lot) more proofreading. I made some minor edits for now that, while they don't completely solve the issues, they make most of them appear less jarring to read.
Like I mentioned in my last reply, the scene including Rarity was the hardest to write; I tried to make it appear, like you said, as if there was more going on there than what seems to be. However, I think I ultimately failed, mostly due to trying to portray too broad a range of responses. Yes, it does feel rushed, and above every other clunky bit of writing in this story, I wish I could fix that part the most. I'm wondering, though, just how often do the authors here on Fimfiction edit their already-published work? Is it considered poor form, or is it encouraged?
As for why this story is called "First Flight", well...think of it this way. This is Twilight's first (relatively normal) day of being an alicorn. First Flight, her first trial of being a princess. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm BSing this, because this is exactly what I was going for.
2324183 glad the feedback helped, and personaly I encourage editing when you find errors.
One of my favourite writers here on Fimfiction, Penstroke who wrote "Past sins" (which you really should read if you haven't already) Still goes back to fix up typos when people find them.
Also I get what you were doing with the title.
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Of course, I can understand typos and the like, that's a given (and I've seen way too many stories with grammatical errors and typos to be able to excuse not doing it). My dilemma is mainly in that, when I publish a story, I prefer things to be consistent. So, making big changes in the story, such as rewriting the dialog between Twilight and Rarity, which would greatly affect the reader's perception of the scene, is something that I'm iffy about. It's a lot different from typing up stories in Word and sending rough copies to friends...I hope this isn't too confusing, because I do understand that there are some parts that can't be fixed by removing/adding/changing around a few words, and I really do want to make my story better however I can, but yet, it's all about consistency, at least in my mind.
Also, I'm glad you got the title. Little hidden things like that really help individual stories stand out among the crowd. At least I think so.
(Edit: I went ahead and edited the scene a bit, for better or for worse.)
2324183 Fair enough for the title. I suppose I was just interpreting it too literally. Kinda been on the lookout for a good story where Rainbow teaches Twilight how to fly. Also I'm not particularly good at coming up with titles.
The Rarity scene is much better now. The jealousy combined with Twilight's existing stress explains the rapid escalation.