i haven't actually read this yet ( ill add another comment when i do0 but your first attempt at a fanfic is a sequel to my all time favorite fanfic ( of any fandom) and you are tracking "eternal" ( the best ponyfic that is still currently being written. ) suffice to say you have my attention and  i will definitely track this

Okay... I'm interested to see where this goes. But I really hope your story continues to be this well written. I am extremely fond of past sins and I'm not to happy about some of the sequels(that shall not be named) that popped up. Here's hoping you'll be the one to finally pull it off.

the amount of "not so good" Past sins sequels makes me a little skeptical about reading this.. but i'll give it a try and see if it's worth following.

.

Hmm, I am definitely interested, but I have a question.

If I recall correctly, Twilight and Nyx were supposed to be back in ponyville by sundown, but Twilight spent the night at her parents' house it seems.

So maybe I'm missing something, but what happened to Nyx in this time-frame?

Tracking because interest, I think this is the 70th story I am tracking.

I concur with SoulWinds. You have a lot to live up to with this fic, mate--best of luck.

looks interesting.

You got my track.

>>183443183443

Nyx went home to Ponyville.

Some of you mention other sequels to Past Sins.  I searched here on FIMF for sequels before I started writing this, but I couldn't find any.  Even the original novel (which I found via a friend on deviantART) isn't on here.  Can someone point me in the direction of a few?

Also, I'm going to be regularly checking my blog on FIMF for comments and suggestions.  As onlyanorthernsong pointed out, this is my first attempt at writing a fanfiction (my usual fare is papers for scientific journals).  Indeed, this is my first attempt at writing any fiction.  That said, I read Past Sins, loved it, and had to write the continuation that formed in my mind.  Ergo, Absent.

Constructive criticism is always welcome!   I'm doing this for the enjoyment of everyone here, after all.

>>184208184208

The only sequel I know of on this site is Point of No Return.

>>184208184208

I don't think they were on this site. I probably found them on some blog etc. I can't really remember

Well, you've definitely peaked my interest.  I shall track this for the time being.

Now that I have read through it a few times, it is time to point out one thing I feel should be addressed at some point if you were not planning on it.

Celestia seems, at least from the perspective we have been given, to have taken a less forgiving view of Nyx than was presented at the end of Past Sins. So either showing that her disposition has not infact worsed or explaining why it has at some point would be a good idea.

EDIT:

And props for including Twilight's parents. Many fics tend to ignore their existance (likely due to a lack of appearances in the show).

There's another fic somewhere that I've seen as somewhat of a sequel but I cannot remember wtf it's called. If I come across it any time I'll be sure to link it as well. Back to the topic matter though, I'll read this as soon as I get the chance. I'll agree that Past Sins is definitely one of my all time faves so I hope this will be amazing as well.

>>186468186468

Hrm...  Good point.   I'll make an effort to remedy this in one of the following chapters.  In my story outline, I actually have one "chapter" (you'll understand the quotes when it's written and uploaded) narrated from the viewpoint of Celestia.  I think this would be a good place for some explanation.

Although the end of Past Sins is up to individual interpretation, by Pen Stroke's own admission, my hope is that people will notice a significant difference between Celestia's attitude at the end of that and the beginning of this (so, kudos for pointing this out).  I'm hesitant to explain why Celestia seems a bit colder toward Nyx right now, because that may (or may not, no spoilers, ha ha ha!) give away an integral part of the plot.  Trust me, you'll understand everything in-time... I hope.

>>190743190743

Glad to hear there are plans to make the reason known to readers when it is appropriate.

Edited for spelling corrections and formatting issues.  It should look much better now than it did before when downloaded as an EPUB file.

For those of you who haven't kept up with this story's blog, Chapter 2 should be up within a few days, five tops.  It's taking longer than I thought to get it up to my standard.  Sorry for the wait!  

MMMOOOAAARRR!!!!

pls?

>>225698225698

LOL  Don't worry, more is certainly on the way!  Actually, I plan to upload Chapter 2 either later today or tomorrow morning.  I have a working draft ready now, but I really don't like how one of the interior scenes is coming out.  Much facehoofing and headdesking has ensued...

"I’m not going anywhere,” Rarity quipped curtly.  Twilight flinched.  I should have been expecting Rarity to be overly dramatic about having to stay behind.  It’s Rarity.

Thoughts should be in italics.

---------------------------------------------

Poor Twilight, she is having a very bad week. And is scary angry. Looking forward to the next part.

really nice read. Celestia must be really badly caught between her jobs as Equestria's ruler and her student's life.

uhm three ponies who don’t fear or malign her? three Ponies who like her?

Luna, Cherilee, Twilight, Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell, Apple Bloom, Twist, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Pinkie Pie makes 12.

Luna, Cherilee and Twilight are most likely the ones you mean since they where confirmed for this in this Story.

Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell, Apple Bloom and Twist where her best friends in Past Sins and there where no signs that that changed.

Fluttershy reassured Nyx in the battle of Ponyville and is Twilights friend. Hay she stared down some Lupus Minors to save Nyx.

Rarity was with Twilight in this chapter and didn't hesitate a second to help.

Rainbow dash went ALONE into the castle to search for Nyx, that doesn't sound like fear or malign to me ...

Pinkie Pie ... is Pinkie Pie.

AppleJack is a friend of Twilight and the sister of Applebloom i highly doubt that she has anything against Nyx, but ... with her that’s the most uncertain because i can see that she afraid that Nyx accidentally hurts Apple Bloom, but then i think Scootaloo is bigger danger in that area with her ideas for Cutie Marks.

I usually turn up my nose at first sight of fan-fanfiction. Usually it's full of self-insertion and wishful thinking, stuff I didn't see here.

Doesn't seem to be the case with Absent. Great job on the first chapter, I'll be tracking!

Twilight SOOOOOOOOOOOO should have rage-shifted again after Celestia told her to forget Nyx.

And she doesn't call her on it at all? I don't think so, sorry... but you broke from the character you set up earlier in this chapter.

>>226792226792

If you pay attention, you will notice it is Twilight thinking (needs to be italized). She is having a bad week, and is shown on multiple occations to not thinking straight.

EDIT

I see, there are two places that specify there being only three. The first is Twilight thinking to herself, the next time it is stated directly. But the point is that is what Twilight is thinking and not necessarily fact.

>>227013227013

What purpose would calling Celestia out serve except to waste more time that could be spent searching for Nyx?

It seems, at least to me, like Celestia knows Something! Currently Twilight doesn't have much in the way of leads, so anything would be more than what she currently has.

>>227139227139

Twilight did ask and seems to suspect, but it is just as obvious from Celestia's response that she is unwilling to tell.

I'll pity the poor poor pony that tries to stop Twilight.

>>226716226716

I used normal typeface intentionally for Twilight's thoughts there.  It's the currently accepted convention for omniscient, third-person fiction that italics be used for a character's thoughts only when the thought spans more than one paragraph.  Otherwise, the point-of-view of the paragraph (in this case, third-person POV through Twilight's perspective) should already be apparent when it shifts to a character's thoughts.  Other narrative styles might do it differently.

>>226792226792

To help somepony isn't evidence that the pony isn't feared.  Several of Twilight's friends and other residents of Ponyville eventually helped Nyx at the end of Past Sins, but there is no evidence that they don't fear Nyx.  Also keep in-mind that this story takes place two years after Past Sins.  A lot can change in that amount of time, especially when it comes to emotions.

>>227013227013

Twilight did call the princess out on it.  Re-read the final scene.  Pay especially close attention to how Twilight's reactions and emotions change as she attempts to get answers from Celestia.  As for rage-shifting a second time, I thought it was pretty obvious that Twilight was in no condition to do that again (remember that this shift is a subconscious one; she has no control over it, even in canon).  Celestia used some sort of magical overload spell to force Twilight's magic (and, hence, rage-mode) to collapse, knocking her out in the process, I might add...

I'm scared of Twilight now, and she doesn't even exist in this universe.

>>231980231980

Yes, she was in good scary form. All that is missing is her saying something properly creepy like the Twilight in Backwards Through the Mirror does to a pair of muggers that attack Rarity. Of course that would require some level of self control...

>>231980231980

>>232096232096

Unfortunately, regardless of intellect, pony with emotions + missing offspring + possible peril =   LOL

To everypony: For future reference, I'll be posting chapter update info to the blog instead of the story comments.

>>183255183255

"Past Sins" is my favorite My Little Pony Fanfic, as well. I have not read "Eternal" but will look into it. Thanks!

>>232168232168

Yep, it is a shame. But maybe someday she will the trick to being flame-maned and coherent. Then the target(s) of her wrath will be really terrified.

>>233502233502

I dunno...  I think I might be a bit more terrified if she wasn't in control of her faculties.  When she's thinking straight, she had a conscience.

>>234174234174

Though if she has the REALLY angry look then it would appear that she is very close to loosing control and acting upon any threats she makes. If she has lost all control then would the subject of her ire be around long enough to be properly afraid?

Kind of the difference between an errupting volcano and one that is showing every sign of going off at any moment. You do not want to be around either of them.

>>234277234277

  True, true.  Although, I'd prefer to avoid the wrath of Twilight under any circumstances.  Peeing oneself in terror isn't the most socially acceptable behaviour.

So don't go telling her about how I was staring at her flank at Pinkie Pie's last party...  Kay?  

>>234338234338

Depends on the interpertation of Twilight whether or not she would take that baddly.

Twilight does seem very dangerous when she loses control of her temper.

>>266458266458

Coming up next: 101 ways to make a royal guard soil their armour using only a Twilight Sparkle!

>>267058267058

For how many of those is she just a unicorn and not something... else?

Like an alicorn?

>>272670272670

Alicorn Twilight Sparkle?  No!  Shh!  That is legend...  

>>272811272811

*in conspiratorial wisper*

One that makes guards soil their armour at the mere mention of it I take it?

Or is it a plot to keep her from learning the truth?

>>272844272844

The truth?  You can't handle the truth!

Naw, the "legend" bit was a quote by Billy Witchdoctor from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

I know way too many movie/tv quotes.

Aaaaaand Chapter 3 is now up!

This one took much longer to write than I predicted.  Some of that was due to health issues last week.  The rest was because the chapter turned out to be way longer than I planned.  I think it came out all right, though.

The plot thickens...

plot thickens indeed. story pacing really good so far. really want next chapter to come sooner

Poor Twilight. Things just keep getting worse for her.

>>283153283153

I'm glad you're enjoying it. Sorry it takes so long between updates, but I'd really rather spend more time writing something you'll enjoy instead of slapping together a pile of horseapples in a hurry.  My hope (that's the key word here) is that I'll update twice per month, or roughly once every two weeks.  Beware the Ides of March!

>>283187283187

Yeah, I started feeling pretty awful for her, too, while writing this chapter.   Don't worry, though.  It gets better for her... and worse...  kinda...

>>284051284051

But if better means she has some reason to believe Nyx is alive, then at least she will be enough better to have a reason to live.

Is this (kind of) the poster Pinkie had?

Image: http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/078/f/5/pinkie_pie_is_watching_you____by_kefkafloyd-d3by3pd.png

>>284119284119

I'm not telling...  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...!

>>284330284330

Somepony's read Fallout: Equestria... Yeah, actually, that was a shout-out to Kkat. I won't dissuade you from believing that the poster on Pinkie Pie's wall is that one... but 30 years earlier...

Yay! Update!

*reads story*

Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff........................

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????

>>284554284554

<insert maniacal laughter here (think the end of Thriller by Michael Jackson)>

Does anypony know of a place like Equestra Daily that has a large brony community?  EqD has refused to consider Absent because of its ties to Past Sins.    I want more exposure...  I'm greedy.

Zecora's Prophecy: "But truly careful you must be, since not every pony speaks truthfully.  Let not those trusted your emotions sway, for in the end, they will betray."

Celestia: “Nyx is dead.”

......

Hmmm....

......

......

......

*La Gasp!*

The Princess Lies!

---------

My prediction. Nyx isn't dead, instead she is taken to the Southern Equestria area, which is actually the New Luna Republic! They Worship Nightmare Moon, and need the Elements to make Nyx into Nightmare Moon again! The Princess has to stop Twilight, cause they are holding the Elements, the only things that can banish her and Luna, and/or when she made them independent she made a promise to keep a truse or something and thus can't go  against them.

>>286130286130

Ooh!  Predictions!

It's taking all my willpower right now to refrain from telling you if you're right or wrong...

So what do you think so far, everypony?  Good? Bad? Any technical suggestions? This is my first fiction work ever, so I know there has to be room for improvement in a lot of places... I just don't know where.

I go with: As long as there is no body the characters death is questionable.

>>287990287990

Is that kind of the fanfic version of "pics or it didn't happen?"

>>287990287990

But what if the body is a fake? Which is something that becomes less difficult to achieve when the body is very baddly burned up. And in this case any tests preformed by authorities to verify may be modified by royal decree.

>>288706288706

Maybe, it´s more from rules of an evil overlord.

>>288742288742

There is no body to talk about as of yet, but I generally have a high doubt level as to wether a character is dead or not, authors quite often keep them alive in some way or form. The time to actually 100% believe them is if they write the character dying, though that doesn´t mean that sucker will actually stay down :)

Need multiquote option..

>>284830284830

Don't know of a site like that, but you could submit to DeviantART, and then submit it to http://the-nyxian-alliance.deviantart.com/gallery/.

It would be best to put chapters up in PDF format if you do, as I think the word limit for text is 10,000 if you upload as text rather than a file and formating it for submitting would be a pain.

>>289448289448

Yeah, I was planning to post it to my dA account once it's finished.  That way people can just download a single PDF instead of a bunch of separate chapters.

>>289912289912 I just don't understand why EqD wouldn't accept this because of the ties w/Past Sins. Pen Stroke allowed you to type this and plus EqD has like a billion fallout and conversion bureau so why wouldn't they? Did Seth eventually finish past sins on that matter? so many questions, so little time for example: HOW WILL WE DEFEAT THE REAPERS???? (I hope you've played mass effect to understand that)

>>290558290558

Comments #6 and 7 on this blog post explain everything I know about the situation.

Once again, I am fairly saddened...

Honestly, I think your character portrayal is just off and disingenuous. Twilight's reactions are still far to tame, the entire early part of this chapter was just silly. Is her faith in Celestia, which you've out and out stated had been severely damaged, still so strong as to not rage against Celestia's treatment? That she still turns to her?

And then the shocker, the damaged backpack, if Nyx had been dead, Celestia should have come out and say so, (not that I believe she is for a moment... nevermind Pinkie Sense, it's just too convenient). For all Twilight's supposed to be fairly smart, I almost expect she'll take Celestia at her word on this.

That and cliffhanger? Really? I swear authors are some sort of sadist.

>>291806291806

Actually, your reaction is just the type I was kind of hoping for: disbelief.  You've picked up on a lot of the subtle plot devices so far.  Very good.  

There is a reason for Celestia's apparently strange behaviour, given the circumstances as we know them.  Also, Twilight is smart, no argument there, but when confronted with maternity, "intelligence" is often discarded in favour of the child in even the smartest individuals.  Don't worry, everything will be explained in time.

Oh I think I understand some of the subtleties to Celestia's reluctance. You actually may have revealed a bit much with the background behind the southern equestrian territories. She's under political pressure, possibly strategic in nature. Something's a brewing and it involves using Nyx and the Elements of Harmony. Possibly a weapon, possibly for their own god-deity. Possibly something else, and she doesn't want Twilight to get involved.

May well be some sort of geas on Celestia though, cause even she seems pained to do this. I do hope Twilight sees through this ruse with the backpack for what it is, though I can't imagine that conversation being 'pleasant' for Celestia. That is of course, assuming Celestia is informed about all of this and not actually being kept in the dark by shadow powers of her own government... but that may be stretching what I've seen so far.

>>291928291928

"You actually may have revealed a bit much with the background behind the southern equestrian territories."

... or did I?  

Just a warning, though, you might have to wait a while to find out if you're correct on some of those ideas.  At my current rate, this book won't be finished until mid 2013.    The plot outline calls for 38 chapters (including a prologue and epilogue, which will be written after the book is complete, since they aren't necessary to the story).  I also have notes for a possible interlude (which is also not necessary, but might be written later to add some additional depth).  So, 18 more months if I keep producing them at two per month.

>>293161293161

That is a lot of story.

>>291806291806  "...  the entire early part of [Chapter 3] was just silly."

This sentence has been eating away at my brain for a while now.    What about it makes you think it is a silly scene (I assume you're talking about only the first scene in Luna's chambers)?  Is it just because Twilight is still trusting Celestia enough to give her the benefit of the doubt?  Previous chapters have mentioned that the relationship between the two is "strained."  That's hardly synonymous with "became mortal enemies."  

As for the "cliffhanger," there is a little bit of sadist in each of us, I think.  

>>346083346083

Honestly, I don't remember the emotions I had when I read them early on. I still think Twilight's reactions post rage-shift are surreal at best relative to Celestia. Luna expressed more raw emotion towards Celestia's intentional obfuscation than Twilight (again, post rage-shift.. which was awesome).

Sure 'Strained' doesn't mean 'glares of head-explody' but Twilight's already called Celestia out for lying (I think, if memory serves), so why would she turn to her again, let alone trust her? Not with Nyx's life at stake.

>>346253346253

Hrm...  I'll consider rewriting those relevant scenes when the story's done.  I may have left an incorrect impression.  Yes, the relationship between Twilight and Celestia is not exactly flowers and sunshine anymore, but Twilight has no real reason to distrust Celestia.  Celestia had (that Twilight's aware of) nothing to do with the disappearance of her daughter, but it's revealed that she knows something that she isn't willing to tell Twilight.

Imagine growing up with someone you consider a demigod as your personal mentor and teacher.  No matter what happens, your trust in that person is going to be extremely difficult to get away from.  Twilight confronted Celestia, but didn't actually outright accuse her of lying, since Celestia never technically lied to her.  She's just being (to Twilight's chagrin) dismissive.  Also, it wasn't Twilight's idea to contact Celestia the morning after her rage shift.  Luna summoned her in a fit of anger.

I hope this helps!    Keep your criticism coming.  The more I have to think about mistakes or holes I might have left, the better this will be when it's all done.  This is my first foray into fiction writing, so I'm kinda learning as I go.  

Just as a reminder, everypony!  Chapter progress notes are available in my blog.  In case you're interested.  

Chapter 4 is finally up!    Enjoy.  Things are going to start getting interesting, I hope.  

things are pretty nicely. pacing remains great. i hope the next chapter comes on schedule

Why would anypony doubt Pinkie Pie when she has Pinkie Promised?

Foolish ponies. At least Twilight has learn her lesson well.

you hope i thoguht that you were writing the story

anyway great chapter and good to see it updated agian

keep up the good work

"For now, for the sake of your own recovery, I must insist that you remain in ponyville for a while."

You know, that word is one of the most common to have this issue with.

I am loving this.  A beautiful continuation of the Past Sins storyline.

>>387535387535

Schedule...  yeah...  

>>387702387702 "Why would anypony doubt Pinkie Pie when she has Pinkie Promised?"

The only pony who knows about that Pinkie promise is Twilight.  That was a private conversation between the two of them at Sugarcube Corner.  Pinkie told the others only that she didn't believe Nyx was dead.  Also, as we saw in The Last Roundup, Pinkie promises can be twisted terribly, if not broken.

>>388416388416 "you hope i thoguht that you were writing the story"

Huh?  

>>388638388638 "that word is one of the most common to have this issue with"

Gah!    Typo!  Must... fix...  

>>389200389200

Why, thank you!    I hoped I wasn't making a mockery of Pen Stroke's masterpiece.

you said that 'Things are going to start getting interesting, I hope'

thats wot i was getting at

>>389614389614

*mumble mumble*  something about doubting my own writing abilities *mumble mumble*  

I love this story!! Well except for one thing.......

THE CHAPTERS ARE SO DARN LONG!

Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/005/025/whywouldyoudothat.jpg

>>390415390415

Why are long chapters an issue for you?

>>390462390462

No, I just like to be silly

>>390462390462

I think he just wanted an excuse to use that unbearably cute image macro.  

Th' hell?!    I just noticed all reference to Pin-kee has been changed to "Surprise."  

>>390415390415

I was thinking (a dangerous pass time, I know    ).  If the excessive length of the chapters really is bothering you, there are a few ways to make it easier to pick up where you left off (which, I assume, is why one would complain about long chapters).

First, if you have an eReader device (NOOK, Kindle, etc.), then you can download the EPUB file from the story's main page.  I think you can download an EPUB for each individual chapter, too.

Your second choice would be relevant if you read the chapters on FIMF through your browser.  If you use Chrome or Firefox (I don't know about Internet Explorer), then you can actually create a bookmark that saves the exact location in the page you were looking at.  So, when you activate that bookmark later, it will load to the place within the page where you marked it.

The other way I can think of is by copy/pasting the sentence where you left off and save it to a TXT file.  Then when you load the chapter page on FIMF to finish it, you can just hit Ctrl-F to search for that sentence.  This way is a bit more inconvenient, but it still works if you're worried about losing your place.

>>394617394617

It is not losing my place, but it takes me so long to read them. I would get done quicker if I wasn't distracted so easil-- Oh look! Butterfly!

Progress has been made on Chapter 5!    See here.

Anyway, what would you guys suggest in terms of my writing or narrative style?  I've never written fiction before, so I'm not sure if I'm using too much dialogue or being too descriptive and introspective into the point-of-view characters.  What do you think?  If you were writing a similar story, what would you do differently?  Is my vocabulary large enough?  Am I using too much alliteration or metaphor?  Am I using not enough alliteration or metaphor?  

Let me know!  

Hm Hm, seems good, let´s see what the next chapter brings!

>>421892421892

Playing with the reader's mood a bit more would be good, especially now that the adventure is starting. Changing between happy / sad / dark / funny / cute helps keep the story very interesting. Growing Pains and Backwards Through the Mirror do quite well at this. They are not so much enthralling as they are adictive, thus are my top two favorites.

>>443948443948 "They are not so much enthralling as they are adictive, thus are my top two favorites."

You hit on something there with which I've been struggling since day 1 of writing Absent.  Everything I know about good storytelling points to enrapturing the audience.  That is, an author wants his readers to become emotionally invested in the characters.  The problem I've had with this is just as you mentioned.  It requires the story to go through cycles of emotional extremes (happy, sad, dark, etc.), but at the same time, it needs to be interesting.  Despite popular belief, these two goals are not inherently coexistent.  The most interesting stories often fall flat, because they fail to ensnare the emotions of the reader (e.g., Evolution's Captain).  The most emotionally-tugging stories might keep you turning the pages, but there is no story to back it up (e.g., My Little Dashie).

What I set as one of my goals for this story was to make it both interesting (so you want to know more) and emotionally heavy (so you become the characters while you read).  I'm learning through this self-directed crash course in fiction writing that this is an insanely difficult goal to reach.  That said, the story is a long way from being finished, and I'm sure I'll learn a thing or two before I post that final chapter.  Also, once I do post the final chapter (and possibly the afore-mentioned prologue, epilogue, and interlude), I intend to go back and rewrite all the chapters again - especially the early chapters - to apply these lessons.  The end result, hopefully, will be a novel that is both "enthralling" and "addictive."

As a final note to this far-too-long introspection, I'm concerned about the direction the story is taking.  I had an extremely detailed and fully-developed plot/character outline before I began writing, but the current story and this plan have diverged severely.  The basic premise of the story still holds to the plan, but it is becoming far more complex than I anticipated.  I hope I can reign in all these threads I'm creating...

Now, back to work on Chapter 5.

My reaction last chapter:

My reaction here:

The book that Nyx had in her library is still bugging me.  Seems like it was meant to be important or something.  Also another thing concerning the library, why would Twilight let so many books stay in a rotting castle?  Hopefully she packed some books on wilderness survival.  

>>477277477277

The castle was falling apart due to negligence, not rot.  Nightmare-Nyx's followers were holding it together with magic in order to build it so quickly.  No more cult, no more magical reinforcement.  The books were just normal books.  That's why Nyx's library was mostly empty: books hadn't been collected to fill it yet.  I don't know about your library, but my books at home have survived pretty well over the course of two years.  

As for the proverbial rifle on the set... well, the story isn't over yet, is it?  

>>479915479915

I was using rotting in place of other words like deteriorating or collapsing.   And I know the library was not full, but it did have at least some books not in Twilight's collection, the one about the Southern Territories being one.  And I know books will last in a well maintained environment, but the castle is slowly breaking apart.

>>479984479984

*shrugs*  I never really thought about the fate of the books in Nyx's library.  That might be something to consider including in my (quickly growing) list of edits.  I'm thinking, though, that Twilight considers those books to be the property of Nyx, and Nyx requested that they stay in her own library.  After all, it is one of her few places of refuge away from Ponyville and her... mishaps.

>>462853462853

By the way, LittleStrongheartNyx, your avi is adorable!  

This looks really promising! I will fave it. I cannot read it, because it is 3am, and I need to sleep to be able to function at school XD

I also need to stop making myself read comments, as they give away spoilers! Stupid, stupid, STUPID -headdesk-

The story opens slow, because you use more words than you need to to tell us what characters are thinking or feeling.  You have some great descriptions, but they don't start for many paragraphs.

What I'm trying to say is:  More of this:

"The sun had long since set, and Ponyville’s weather team ... Luna always loved hearing that, especially from Twilight."

"The following morning and afternoon was another refreshingly familiar event for Twilight.  ... Twilight and her father exchanged a curious glance as the guards unhitched themselves from the white, gold-trimmed chariot and approached them."

Less of this:

"Cheerilee’s visit had become an almost daily occurrence, but never regarding an incident on this level... She nearly couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  In the past two years... she had received afternoon visits from Cheerilee countless times.  Usually, Nyx’s magic mishaps involved something far more innocuous.  She had never actually harmed anypony, but she certainly had scared more than a few of her classmates on several occasions."  That's 7 different clauses, expressing a total of 2 ideas.

"Ever since she had hatched Spike from his egg during her entrance exam for Celestia’s School For Gifted Unicorns, he had been at her side through everything.  Now that he was several years old, he regularly helped her with almost all of the library’s daily maintenance and administrative tasks."  Everypony reading a fan-fiction of a fan-fiction knows this already.

Your mileage may vary.  Use caution when taking advice from evil ponies.

Oh, and I came here because your comment on "So Be It" impressed me.

>>520330520330

Most of the introspective description in the first few chapters are in there for back-story.  Many readers (obviously you're one who prefers action, it takes all types) require a catalyst for their emotional connections to the story to form.  Stronger connections between characters usually accomplishes this (especially when one of them... nahhhh, I won't tell ).

As for my comment on So Be It, I don't remember what I wrote.  I'll have to go searching for it.  

>>523730523730

"Many readers (obviously you're one who prefers action, it takes all types) require a catalyst for their emotional connections to the story to form."

Quite the opposite.  I like Jorge Luis Borges and "My Dinner with Andre."  As a result, I've been bitten too often for not writing enough action, especially in the first 500 words of a story.  I split my stories up into small chapters so I can track the viewcounts and see where readers stop reading, and action within those first 500 words makes a huge difference.  I recently abandoned my own Twilight - Luna story because it didn't call for any action at all, and the fraction of readers continuing on after each chapter was the lowest out of any story I've ever looked at (including nonsensical, ungrammatical, misspelling-ridden Human-in-Equestria stories by grade-schoolers).

I didn't mean that you didn't need to say the things you said.  I meant that in the opening section, where every author is in grave danger of losing those action-oriented readers (which is most readers), you open without action, and this stretches out longer than it needs to because you said some things two or three times in different ways.

Sorry if you didn't want criticism.  I know it's a little rude coming from a stranger.  You can retaliate by reading one of my stories and telling me how bad it is.