Good start, defiantly will be a difficult test for Twilight, that's for damn sure. At least she has some back up. Can't wait to see more ~Celestia's Paladin, Ex Solis et Lunae, Providentia et Prospera

>>69666966 thanks for the comment i'll try to make the next chapter even better

Can't wait for more!

this chapter is full of d'aaaaaaaaawwwww!

>>84818481 as in sad or good

Yay, apparentely I'm awesome!

>>85208520 yep

this was awesome i love this story i hope you make more

>>1070110701 no worries the next chapter will be out next this week or next week

You have a solid foundation for story telling, but there are a few things I think that could use some work. Grammar wise you are most sound, however I notice you sometimes end sentences with the word 'at'. This is a preposition and we don't end sentences with them. Since this is fan fiction it is okay to rely on the fact that your readers know and understand established characters but you need to put a little more into it. When Pinkie Pie has her 'rant' you should try to write out at least part of it. The character is already established but it does not hurt to add polish, it helps the writing seem more like the show. Aside from that the story needs more characterization for Stardust. Only two chapters in? Better to look at it like already two chapters in. We still don't know what she looks like, nor do we have a good idea of why she calls herself a failure. When talking to Twilight Sparkle, you write she could pick locks with her magic, but then go on to demonstrate she has power, but no finesse. I understand this may be part of the story, but if you had more like that in there we, as the readers, could understand that a little better.

Hope I was helpful, if not feel free to ignore me.

Aww so cute. Looking forward to reading more.

Oh my, this is a wonderful idea. Aside from the Nyx story, its good to see Twilight taking a regular apprentice rather than the reincarnation of the goddess of the night herself. I'm so reading this.

interesting fight scene, though I'm not surprised Twilight would resist violence, nice job of keeping her in character! Overall Stardust is an intriguing oc, and so is this Lightblade fellow. I'm interested to see where you take this.

>>2161021610 Thanks XD

Lookin Pretty Awesome. Some Issues with Grammer and punctuation, but they're few and far between, and don't take you out of the story. (Unless you're a grammer nazi, like myself) Can't wait to read the rest of this!

Dawwwwww

Ohhh magic showdown.IT.IS.ON

Ohhhhhh this is going to be GOOD

First chapter and I know I'm going to like this already. Good work.

epic bro

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_liyzxyxTrD1qcygui.jpg

Celestia: *holding Trixie by her neck* Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.

Awesome! Some grammatical and punctuation errors, but since it's unedited, I think I can let it slide. Can't wait 'till the next chapter!

>>3988539885...Because Trixie could possibly be like Naruto and killing her would release the "Demon"? ....just hazarding a guess.

>>MyLittleTimeLord You'll recognize the villain of the story XD

This is good, but it needs fleshing out. I miss some emotional interaction between Stardust and Twilight, and some exposition and descriptions. To me it feels a little too much like a listing of events at times. I'll be reading on though. Twilight suddenly having to take care of foal are after all one of my favorite stories.

Didn't I just-?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

But why delete the chapters when the edit button is right there?

Because.

Because?

Because SHUT UP

>>124654124654 I second that motion! I go away, come back, *6 unread* Fk yeah! *-3 for edits*

>>125420125420 Sorry XD

>>124654124654

You... You guys don't like m-my edits?

O...ok *sniffle*

>>126911126911

Um, your edits aren't the problem. It's the fact that the chapters were taken down, and then brought back up and on our unread list it appeared that it was new chapters. So in short, your fine, your boss is just an asshole (don't take that seriously)

>>126921126921 Hey man I resent that word! the word Ass doesn't deserve to be put next to a word as rude as HOLE! ya but if u want to rage at me u can message me

>>126975126975

Not raging, just something that irks me. Love your story but you tricked us :P

>>126986126986 because i'm pinkie pie its what i do

>>127005127005

Dark Lord, I served with Pinkie Pie, I knew Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie was a friend of mine. Dark Lord you are no Pinkie Pie!

>>127026127026 but but but

>>127126127126

No, you are not Pinkie Pie. You are darklordcomp. You are your own Pony. SHOW IT. I dare you to be better :)

>>127140127140 lol oki doki

I finally checked this out. Love it.

Wow he was right I do read fast

Nice chapter I like how you presented Twilights mind.

Cool, I look forward to more. Correcting time/memories of time is a favorite subject of mine.

Loving the story, a few grammatical errors here and there but overall awesome.

Silly Twi don't you know watching children while they sleep comes off a bit creepy? :3

Ohhh pinkie you and you your fourth wall antics.

Love the first chapter, i don't think it was rushed at all. Tracking and a fav

the ending made me d'aw all over the place.

Cute

Fun chapter . I look forward to more, We must delve into Twilight's warped memories

the old English needs some SERIOUS work.

I thought this would be good

turns out I was right

me- this is Epic

Stardust- it sure is!

>>265057265057 Can i kiss you if your a girl and bro hoof you if your a guy

>>265064265064 I'm a stallion and a unicorn

so....

brohoof ^w^/]

>>265064265064 Also: I like your Avatar!

>>265229265229 Gracias i think i'm gonna change it soon

>>265232265232 aaaaawwwwwww!!!!!!

but it's so cute!

Wait...I forgot to comment. Well, great chapter. I saw a few issues, but it was good overal. I sent said issues to you in a pm as you requested.

Yeah you show em twilight, nopony bucks with your subconscious

I'm kind of confused about that letter at the end.  I first read "I'm not even a full time parent yet!"  as "I'm not even a full time-parent yet!", then realized my mistake.  Then she starts talking about the pony with the blue box that upholds the laws of time and space!  Then she talks about how she should write a book about him.  So did I read it right?  Is the Doctor going to be part of this or not?

You:  "Oh yeah, the Doctor is going to be in this!"

Image: http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Doctor%20Who%20Pictures/DW%20Pictures/NewDalek1.jpg

"Doc-tor?"

You: "Oh snap."

Image: http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Doctor%20Who%20Pictures/DW%20Pictures/NewDalek1.jpg

"THE- DOC-TOR?!"

You: "No..."

Image: http://www.clivebanks.co.uk/Doctor%20Who%20Pictures/DW%20Pictures/NewDalek1.jpg

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!!"

You: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

This whole chapter feels rather rushed. You should consider revising it and expanding on most of the scenes.

>>290341290341 no pony knows XD ya he is

>>290541290541 did thou not see the authors notes at the start of the chapter! thy must voice all of thyn complaints to us via message or else we ignore them and go to drink tea with derpy hooves!

>>290932290932 Best response as always Darklord. -high fives and drinks a cup of tea as well- As Always.

Epic! Loved doing my evil voice there for a bit.

>>364807364807 glad u liked it

Soo sweet! You gotta love the power of friendship! Is this it for the first story, or will there be more?

I rate this: 5 moustaches!

>>365922365922 oh no worries there are still 3 more chapters maybe 4

I supose you could say that the shade didn't stand a

(puts on sunglasses)

Ghost of a chance!

YEEAAAHHHH!!!

The power of friendship... By any chance do you play the shin megami tensei games? The part of the voices of her friends reaching her teminded me somewhat of the persona3 ending

>>366423366423 I was actually picturing more of a Avatar the last airbender thing

WOw that was a epic chapter, and now Twilight also knows how Stardust feels and that she wishes that she was her mother in a way. I cant wait for more chapters, and I also cant wait for you to post the Mantle Of Time story.

>>366480366480 Well i can't say when the Mantle of Time is comming out probably in april or may but the next chapter should be out in a week

>>366490366490

WEll I was figuring mantle wouldnt be out for a while, but Im still looking forward to it, I feel so bad for Stardust though, shes such a sweet filly and shes had such a terrible life up til now.

>>365938365938 Okay! I still rate this 5 moustaches.

Déjà... Vu? What? I've read this before...

>>366429366429 which ep was it? Do you remember?

Loved it keep up the excellent work though i did notice a few spelling mistakes, thank for writing this its a great read

>>366893366893 Were have you read it so i may eat its soul

>>367115367115 lol let me explain, I pictured it more like the trigger for her power to come out, like the avatar state from avatar, She had something she wanted to fight for and her friends believed in her so she fought yada yada friendship

>>367661367661 On your profile, but I just felt like I have read this before y'know? Not as in "I've read this before somewhere else." but more like, "I have already read this."

...

...

Almost as if I had seen a glimpse of the FUTURE!!!

its pretty good, I don't want to say anything about it until I read the rest though. Your only real problem in this chapter is that you need to transition your scenes a bit more like maybe put a page break to Skip ahead later, without thew pagebreak some people might get confused- Tracking

>>369277369277 Huzah!

Image: http://www.mytinyphone.com/uploads/users/david316/557377.jpeg

"You are a vain, greedy, cruel Unicorn!"

Image: http://images1.cliqueclack.com/tv/files/2012/03/Angry_twilight_sparkle-425x239.png

"And you're an old mare and a fool!"

Image: http://www.mytinyphone.com/uploads/users/david316/557377.jpeg

"... yes. I was a fool. To think you were ready to teach."

Image: http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110710012058/ideas/images/2/2b/Princess_Luna_9235.png

"Tia..."

Image: http://www.mytinyphone.com/uploads/users/david316/557377.jpeg

"NEIGH!"

Image: http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ17TSjNwFdGD76HdHJg5MjGDHm2LMsbh9eAD2LBNzqhoi2Z1jb7EiwHlrm

Image: http://www.mytinyphone.com/uploads/users/david316/557377.jpeg

"Twilight Sparkle... you have endangered yourself as well as others. Through your arrogance, we now have cause to fear the entity that consumed Luna again. You are unworthy of Equestria. You are unworthy of your title, and you are... unworthy of the love of those you have worried. I now take from you your power! *Removes Twilight's horn* In the name of Faust, I, Princess Celestia, cast you out!"

And that's my opinion!

>>403161403161  Very nice.   That seems like it's taken from somewhere.  Is it, or are you just that good?

>>404032404032 its from thor

>>404314404314>>404032404032

Yeah it is, but I adapted it so well :D

>>404571404571

That you did, good sir.  That you did.

TWILIGHT you'd better apologise to celestia quick or else all hells gonna break loose.

>>406161406161 naw

>>406164406164aww then who's getting screwed over thise time considering trixies already dead i think?

>>406171406171 nope

>>406178406178 my pinkie sence is tingling... you be trollin

great chapter anyway cant wate for the next one.

>>406188406188 nope and eeyup

I'd go back and take a look at everything. If some detail is not important to the story plot, take it out! Good fics have a lot of detail worked into them, but it needs to be relevant to the story. Random details are distracting. They make the reader think about things that have nothing to do with the fic.

One example of many:

Twilight Sparkle was slightly annoyed that night, one reason was because she couldn't figure out how the spell that allowed you to create metal out of thin air worked. (Whats so important about this spell?) Instead focus on her frustration, her actions, maybe make her talk to herself, etc.

In her letter to Twilight Celestia is being very specific yet unspecific at the same time. (the unspecific part being every so often send me a report) It felt like the princess was very confused/can't make up her mind.

Nice chapter. I look forward to Terra's resurrection

Stardust: Memory?

Do I spy a Gundam reference?

great just great Terra is infected

>>587370587370 Infected? no no my good sir, she has been enlightened by our power

>>587494587494 lolwut

>>587517587517 Join our glorious legion jimmy!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png