Good start, defiantly will be a difficult test for Twilight, that's for damn sure. At least she has some back up. Can't wait to see more ~Celestia's Paladin, Ex Solis et Lunae, Providentia et Prospera

>>69666966 thanks for the comment i'll try to make the next chapter even better

Can't wait for more!

this chapter is full of d'aaaaaaaaawwwww!

>>84818481 as in sad or good

Yay, apparentely I'm awesome!

>>85208520 yep

this was awesome i love this story i hope you make more

>>1070110701 no worries the next chapter will be out next this week or next week

You have a solid foundation for story telling, but there are a few things I think that could use some work. Grammar wise you are most sound, however I notice you sometimes end sentences with the word 'at'. This is a preposition and we don't end sentences with them. Since this is fan fiction it is okay to rely on the fact that your readers know and understand established characters but you need to put a little more into it. When Pinkie Pie has her 'rant' you should try to write out at least part of it. The character is already established but it does not hurt to add polish, it helps the writing seem more like the show. Aside from that the story needs more characterization for Stardust. Only two chapters in? Better to look at it like already two chapters in. We still don't know what she looks like, nor do we have a good idea of why she calls herself a failure. When talking to Twilight Sparkle, you write she could pick locks with her magic, but then go on to demonstrate she has power, but no finesse. I understand this may be part of the story, but if you had more like that in there we, as the readers, could understand that a little better.

Hope I was helpful, if not feel free to ignore me.

Aww so cute. Looking forward to reading more.

Oh my, this is a wonderful idea. Aside from the Nyx story, its good to see Twilight taking a regular apprentice rather than the reincarnation of the goddess of the night herself. I'm so reading this.

interesting fight scene, though I'm not surprised Twilight would resist violence, nice job of keeping her in character! Overall Stardust is an intriguing oc, and so is this Lightblade fellow. I'm interested to see where you take this.

>>2161021610 Thanks XD

Lookin Pretty Awesome. Some Issues with Grammer and punctuation, but they're few and far between, and don't take you out of the story. (Unless you're a grammer nazi, like myself) Can't wait to read the rest of this!

Dawwwwww

Ohhh magic showdown.IT.IS.ON

Ohhhhhh this is going to be GOOD

First chapter and I know I'm going to like this already. Good work.

epic bro

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_liyzxyxTrD1qcygui.jpg

Celestia: *holding Trixie by her neck* Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now.

Awesome! Some grammatical and punctuation errors, but since it's unedited, I think I can let it slide. Can't wait 'till the next chapter!

>>3988539885...Because Trixie could possibly be like Naruto and killing her would release the "Demon"? ....just hazarding a guess.

>>MyLittleTimeLord You'll recognize the villain of the story XD

This is good, but it needs fleshing out. I miss some emotional interaction between Stardust and Twilight, and some exposition and descriptions. To me it feels a little too much like a listing of events at times. I'll be reading on though. Twilight suddenly having to take care of foal are after all one of my favorite stories.

Didn't I just-?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

But why delete the chapters when the edit button is right there?

Because.

Because?

Because SHUT UP

>>124654124654 I second that motion! I go away, come back, *6 unread* Fk yeah! *-3 for edits*

>>125420125420 Sorry XD

>>124654124654

You... You guys don't like m-my edits?

O...ok *sniffle*

>>126911126911

Um, your edits aren't the problem. It's the fact that the chapters were taken down, and then brought back up and on our unread list it appeared that it was new chapters. So in short, your fine, your boss is just an asshole (don't take that seriously)

>>126921126921 Hey man I resent that word! the word Ass doesn't deserve to be put next to a word as rude as HOLE! ya but if u want to rage at me u can message me

>>126975126975

Not raging, just something that irks me. Love your story but you tricked us :P

>>126986126986 because i'm pinkie pie its what i do

>>127005127005

Dark Lord, I served with Pinkie Pie, I knew Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie was a friend of mine. Dark Lord you are no Pinkie Pie!

>>127026127026 but but but

>>127126127126

No, you are not Pinkie Pie. You are darklordcomp. You are your own Pony. SHOW IT. I dare you to be better :)

>>127140127140 lol oki doki

I finally checked this out. Love it.

Wow he was right I do read fast

Nice chapter I like how you presented Twilights mind.

Cool, I look forward to more. Correcting time/memories of time is a favorite subject of mine.

Loving the story, a few grammatical errors here and there but overall awesome.

Silly Twi don't you know watching children while they sleep comes off a bit creepy? :3

Ohhh pinkie you and you your fourth wall antics.

Love the first chapter, i don't think it was rushed at all. Tracking and a fav

the ending made me d'aw all over the place.

Cute

Fun chapter . I look forward to more, We must delve into Twilight's warped memories

the old English needs some SERIOUS work.

I thought this would be good

turns out I was right

me- this is Epic

Stardust- it sure is!