• Member Since 17th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 12th, 2013

PoP-TarT


E

Discord and Celestia were once something, but not anymore. Too many things have happened...
Now, she was the weakest she had ever been, the shell of her once regal self.
But a warning from a piece of stone has plunged her into a world she had half-heartedly left behind. A world filled with happiness.
Yet darkness is always lurking around the corner.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 14 )

I'm not sure if you have noticed that, but your description (both short and long) have several errors in them. If I were you, I would skim through both and correct them, as it is now, nobody will read it based on those two things alone.

About the summary: starting two consecutive sentences with "But" in a summary is pretty repetitive. You can simply remove the second 'But' to avoid that... and "Little does he/she know..." is pretty common usage, which makes the unnecessary "But" in front stick out even more.

You can change the second sentence to start with 'Yet'. Sounds a little better as well. Haven't ready your story yet, but it sounds pretty good so far!

2292944 Thx. I like getting advise so I can improve.:pinkiehappy:

2294167 Which sentence? Sorry, I'm not very smart:derpytongue2:

2296334

:ajsmug: Don't worry, you got it. I meant the second sentence starting with 'but', but you got it under control.

Guys, I went through and edited it, so you can read it again if you want.

Yes, I believe I shall favorite this.

Some things I spotted and wanted to point out.

"She wanted to look around to find the owner of the voice she knew all too well, but found that she couldn’t move a mussel."

Do you mean "muscle"?

"He slowly came forward, making sure not to make her uncomfortable. When he was right in front of her, he carful bent down and picked up her front left leg."

Typo in this sentence. Left out an 'e' in "carful" and I think you should add an -ly to it as well. So it'd be "he carefully bent down"

Otherwise I'd recommend putting spaces between your paragraphs and making your dialogue spaced out too. Like so:

“ Hello… Discord.” she said just as quietly. That’s all she could do. She still couldn’t move an inch.

He slowly came forward, making sure not to make her uncomfortable. When he was right in front of her, he carful bent down and picked up her front left leg. He looked into her eyes as he brushed the fur around with his lion paw.

“Do you remember this, Celestia?” He asked her, his voice still quiet. Celestia was finally able to move, but only her head. She looked down at her leg that Discord was still holding. There, she saw that large, ragged scar that run from her knee to almost the bottom of her hoof. He put one of his eagle claws on the start of the scar and traced it all the way to the base. A sharp pain shot up her leg as the blood started to drip.

A few more.

" Her breaths came out all chocked up."

Accidentally put an extra 'c' in there.

"Celestia’s parents had decided that, due to her weak state, had decided to raise the sun for her"

The repetition makes the sentence sound funny. I'd recommend deleting the second "had decided".

"Her eyes with and her wings spread."

I think something happened to this sentence...

"She walked quietly over to him, sit beside him."

Another weird one. And sat beside him? To sit beside him?

"They sat in silence for a few minutes before discord broke down."

His name isn't capitalized.

2850818
... Oh Fluffy muffins!

I really have to start proof-reading.
Thank-you for pointing them out. I will fix them as soon as I can find them....:facehoof:

gosh darnet the best looking storys always not get finished -.-

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