bats
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I'll be the first favorite and like you get! Nice job!
2294355
Damn you! I am still proud to be one of the earliest ones to read another great story by the legendary "bats".
2294364 I actually liked a whole lot of his stuff and never realized it! Now I'm following! :D
2294371
I think that I have read 7 of his 9 stories. I have loved each and every one of them. I think I have been following him for a couple weeks now.
2294382 Well, who knew? I hope to see more from this guy! Raze approves!
2294389
?????What now??? I also approve of your character picture!
2294394 He's my oc in both of my stories and thank you! I made it myself!
Cum for duh clop...stay for duh feels
Yes...that IS their O-faces
You, sir, are talented at writing. I've never been really into clop fics, but you're good. Can't be overstated.
A very beautiful story, even if it is shameless clop.
Something that could be tacked on as a humorous bonus scene:
The next morning...
Good morning, Rainbow...
Morning, Twi...
Say, I was wondering...
Yeah?
Well, you said being filled up by me was so wonderful...
...yeah?
Think I could try it sometime? Since I'm 'your mare'?
^///^Sure...
A very beautiful story. I feel like this was more of erotica than clop. (And that's a good thing in my book.
) I could feel the love between Dash and Twi. Awesome job!
Succed? Mate that was truly beautiful. The emotion practically radiates from this story. Loved every second of it. This is what Twidash should be.
I enjoyed this very much, bats. I also enjoyed playing the game of "which parts was he writing when I was talking to him?" That was fun.
TwiDash is always greatāespecially when executed properly, which you rarely fail at. However, because a wholly positive review is just as detrimental to a writer as a complete flame, there are some things I'd like to point out; they're relatively minor, but here they are:
I don't know what it was, but something seemed off about the pacing at the beginning; it felt too fast, for some reason. I'm not sure why. We can probably figure it out in the chat, anyway.
I'm not sure if it was intentional, or if you just didn't realize, but you repeat the line āCome for me, you amazing, beautiful mare.ā twice, not counting the original "Come for me, Twi!" towards the beginning. If it was meant to be ironic or sassy, the dialogue tag should have reflected such. Otherwise, a line should not be repeated twiceādialogue or noābecause it will jar the reader.
I love TwiDash, you know that. I love TwiDash probably more than Ced hates AppleDash. And, while you pull it off excellently here, you make the one biggest mistake most shipping writersāmyself includedāmake: you dropped us in with no explanation. We have no idea how they got together or why. We can, through liberal interpretation, decide that Twilight was the instigator of the romance, as she is the insecure one, but a paragraph or two about how they got together never goes amiss. Because the characters are not in a relationship at any point in the show, it is automatically difficult for the reader to care about the relationship that has already started. Imagine if Rainbow Dash had been replaced in this fic by some random OC, see what I'm getting at? The reader needs to care about the romance in order to care about the characters attempting to save it. Memoriesāparticularly the memories of the confession, the first date and the first kiss are all things that can build sympathy. Here, you almost seem to rely on sympathy retained from watching the show and our own personal headcanons; that's not a bad thing, but a fic should be able to stand on its own, don't you think?
Anyway, like I said, it's all little stuff. I'm glad that we have such talented writers in our group!
See you in the chat!
Needless to say you have done an amazing job as always.
A bit rough around the edges, but quite nice overall. I wholeheartedly support the idea of "romanticlop," as you call it. Eroticism and solid storytelling don't have to be mutually exclusive.
'Succeeded' does not come close to the majesty that thou hast performed here.
With such amazing detail one has to ask how one studies in such a way
2294667
I agree with your sentiments!
Solid story, a bit rough as said but very enjoyable.
I know it's not useful, so I'll avoid sucking your dick like most fanfic audiences do.
This is pretty solid. I don't have any grammar complaints, and I have no place commenting on the accuracy of the sex itself. I'll leave that to those with hands on experience, especially the GLBT crowd.
Were I to criticize, I would say that some of their dialogue is touch too repetitive. The sentiment works... the first time. A repetition or two is good now and again, but I felt like it occasionally got a little sappier than it needed to, and just seemed like they were saying the same things over and over. I somewhat question Rainbow's character in this one. Heartfelt is fine, but this strays a little TOO far into heartfelt, to where it stretches credulity a little bit when it comes to RD's "voice," if you will.
Aside from that, though, not bad at all.
Edit; Oh, good point Blunderbolt. Yeah. Pacing's a little weird at the beginning. Second read-through, he's right. I can't really put my finger on it though. Wish I could be more helpful there.
Bats I am once again impressed by another work of art you have for us your one of my top writers on this website and probably will stay like that that keep up the good work
I told you this would happen bats. March 20th, 7:30 PM PST. TwiDash + Romance + SexyTime is going to be a hit!
I've to make a top 5 NSFW now, a great job
And as always, nicely done
/me is unsurprised that bats has once again be featured...
I LOVE IT ;_;
2295501
/me thinks that somebody's been spending too much time in the TwiDash chat.
2294633
I'm gonna reply here, so folks reading through the comments can see my thoughts on these things.
Regarding not showing how they got together. Some stories just don't warrant going through that. I'll direct your, and others, attention to an essay written by bookplayer, which very succinctly defines my approach to writing romance fiction: How to recruit people to a ship. There are three main methods of recruitment to a ship: Showing a reader how the couple functions as a couple, Telling a reader how they function as a couple, and altering headcanon based on events and new information. My Mare is primarily a show and tell story. Their interactions together throughout works as a show; if someone open to the ship said "what would these two look like as a couple?" they could use their interactions here as a basis. There's a little tell, especially in Rainbow Dash's dialogue where she tells Twilight why it is she's into her and not thinking about a different character.
Getting together stories are often headcanon changes. They have their place and I love writing them, but having it here in a short like this is out of place. I could have given a paragraph of expository prose saying they've been a couple for a while and living together, or that Twi swept Dash off her hooves, but these are things that can be inferred from how they interact. I follow Vonnegut's line of thought for story crafting: start as close to the end as possible, and use every sentence to advance character or action. Giving a little ditty about how they're together does neither of those things. Saying RD could be an OC doesn't really count, because she's supposed to still be acting like Rainbow Dash, just a Rainbow Dash who's in love with Twilight. If I was less than successful getting that across, that's a different issue unrelated to the lack of get-together story.
2294633>>2295159
Dialogue repitition: First, folks tend to say the same things over and over while in the act of sex. It's just a thing. It might be silly, but I was going for realism. Second, the lines highlighted were mirrored for a very specific reason. Twilight didn't repeat what Dash said ironically or playfully, it was a role reversal I specifically decided to make. Twilight's insecurities were basically reamed out of her and she took the reins, expressing her feelings back at Rainbow Dash. This is why I also mirrored the end to the beginning. Rainbow had been embraced by Twilight the same way she embraced Twilight at the end. This was a conscious choice I made, repetitive on purpose to explore the minor role reversal that took place between the couple.
Rushed beginning: I dunno, and y'all are unhelpful.
2294667>>2295091
Great! Something I could fix in future writing by polishing better! Now...what do you mean by rough around the edges? Can't fix something if I'm not sure what you're referring to!
Under normal circumstances, I avoid the crap outta clop, especially those that have plotlines virtually entirely wrapped around the explicitness. However, this is you we're talking about here, so I'm just going to leave my two bits and an upvote (no fave for you. Sorry.) and scram.
Well done. You seem to have gotten a physiological reaction from me. It was a bit difficult to 'hear' RD, though. She felt a bit out of character-ishly sappy. I saw one, maybe two spelling errors, and that's it. So, before my Inverse starts laughing his flank off at me, I'ma scram.
--DarqFox
Great one shot. I'd say you succeeded in your objective. Clop that isn't overly kinky or dirty and just the right amount lovey dovey goodness. For your future story, I may have to recommend you take a chapter or two to develop a relationship before diving straight for the proverbial money shot.
welp I'm convinced that Twilight is now The Grapist.
Let's see we got soda, OJ...purple stuff. Oh alright Rainbow Vag
2295704
Yes, the future story this is 'research' for is one that has a bit more in the way of surrounding plot. It's a romance story first and foremost, but sex is too integral to the way the story and emotions unfold to hand-wave or fade to black and just have a teen rating. It's an important part of the story, but will be only a part rather than the majority.
I have the most appropriate boner right now.
STOP SHOUTING
2295601
Well, mostly small stylistic things -- punctuation, capitalization, word choice, construction, flow, etc. I'll try to pull together some specific examples when I have more time.
2295728
Here's hoping this new story of yours is actually TwiDash.
Do not use a double space after a sentence. It makes me want to punch something.
Do not end paragraphs with dialogue - it looks bad and out of place.
Do break up your paragraphs into smaller ones. Especially if there is a lot of dialogue or change of perspective. Short paragraphs are nothing to be afraid of, really.
Do not follow dialogue with another character's reaction in the same paragraph. If Twilight is speaking, follow her words by more of her actions.
Other than that, it's mostly what has been pointed out in other comments.
If you want to be guaranteed a spot in the feature box, just write a romantic clopfic featuring Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. Bam! Insta-feature.
EDIT: I don't have anything against people who enjoy TwiDash fics. I'm simply pointing out that it's one of the more popular pairings.
2296510
The fic this was 'research' for is not technically Twidash. It's actually an idea for an Appledashlight polyamorous romance. Soo...it would contain Twidash. Plus one.
But never you fear, I'll still be writing plenty of Twidash.
2296718>>2297066
I'm gonna have to say that for the majority of those, they're stylistic choices I use sometimes. Having all dialogue paragraphs formatted dialogue->prose, or prose->dialogue->prose is boring to read, so I vary that construction. It results in paragraphs sometimes ending with dialogue, which I disagree looks out of place. I also tend to vary paragraph length with some shorter and some longer to serve the flow. I also tend to not create new paragraphs for aside reactions from other characters in dialogue. If RD says something that makes Twilight grin before RD keeps talking, splitting that up into three paragraphs looks bad.
As for the double-space thing...I learned to type on a type-writer (showing my age here) and that's a habit I didn't even know I was supposed to break. Erm...I'm still doing it in this comment. Uh...Nothing I've found says it's a strictly frowned-upon lay-out choice anymore. I'll look into it, see if there's a general consensus. That's gonna be nearly impossible for me to unlearn...
2297122
I'm not sure how to take this comment. While I certainly enjoy seeing my work in the feature box, I didn't set off to write something specifically to get into the feature box. I write Twidash because I frankly like Twidash and it's what I write. I'll freely admit I chose a popular subject to write about, but it wasn't for the sake of popularity.
Or maybe you weren't accusing me of pandering, but rather just making a statement of fact. In which case I can't argue with you. Although it does leave out any discussion of quality; I've seen many less than great Twidash fics, clop or not, miss the box because it didn't get a great response. Neither here nor there, really.
Erm...why did you post this comment? Venting about Twidash? Accusing me of pandering? Making the claim officially stated for the record?
2297513
I bear you no animosity. I wasn't implying that your story didn't take any effort.
It was more about speaking out on the TwiDash pairing. I've never understood the appeal, personally.
I can't fault you for giving the people what they want, though.
2297553
That's fair. It is a popular pairing. I could try to tell you why it's appealing to me, but I don't know that you actually care. There are several ships that I actively dislike seeing, because I find them distasteful, that are rather popular and hit the feature box fairly regularly. I do just tend to avoid those fics rather than commenting in them about how I don't appreciate the ship.
2297577
My initial comment wasn't on how I didn't appreciate the TwiDash ship. It was just an indictment that curtain pairings are much more likely to garner the feature box.
I'm not saying that getting featured with a TwiDash fic is somehow less of an accomplishment. It still takes talent.
I didn't mean to offend anyone.
2297513 You can always use a text editor that allows you to replace characters. Or maybe learn some regexp (s/ / /g)? To some people (me included) the double space and weird distances in general are a bit of an eyesore. There is the whole branch of typesetting called kerning that deals with this kind of stuff.
I like your reasoning behind the mixed structure, but keep in mind that the most important thing is to present things clearly to the reader. The biggest problem is that you sometimes make one character say something and the other react in the next sentence in the very same paragraph.
"I'm Twilight!" Dash heard Twilight speak. <- that's my biggest issue. The rest is just style. If you are conscious about the other things I pointed out and break the "rules" with good reasoning, then all the more power to you.
2297595
What I attempt (read: sometimes fail at) to do, is make it clear right away in a paragraph who it is that's talking, so a reader knows that all dialogue present is being said by one character and any actions taken by others is just quick asides. Again, not always successful. I'll try to keep a better eye out for that sorta stuff.
2297513
I am beyond okay with that.
I am also curious about the ships you dislike.
amazing job good sir. story line made sense, it was detailed, it was easy to read and IT WAS BAWS AWESOME
+ twidash is my favorite right behind is flutter-dash
What is there to say? Another marvelous story, sir.
2297778
The only ships I actively dislike are Twiprincess ships. Immortal/mortal pairings always creep me out and even with the alicornification at the end of S3 it's headcanon for me that Twi and Cadance both have normal lifespans while the princesses are immortal/extremely long-lived until the show states otherwise. It's too depressing for me to think that Twilight learned more about the meaning of friendship than any other pony who ever lived, since she approached the subject from an outsiders perspective and learned the value by having a comparison to life without friends, and was 'rewarded' by watching all the friends she has, and will ever have, grow old and die all around her for eternity. Twilestia is especially creepy to me because mentor/student relationships bordering on mother/daughter relationships are nightmare fuel.
Also foalcon stuff wigs me out. Toy-ship kid romance stuff is fine, but mature rated stuff and foal/adult is way off the table for me.
Other than that, there are a handful that I don't like and won't seek out but don't have a problem with as a concept. Flutterdash, Twixie, and Raridash are not ships that appeal to me, because the dynamics between the characters don't work for long-term relationships in my opinion. A skilled enough writer approaching the relationship in the way I write/read romance could make them work, but it would only be on a fic by fic basis. Most of them don't cover the problems I have with those ships, or do so in a way that's unappealing to me, so the vast majority of them lose out and I'm not interested in digging for the gems.
This leaves a whole list of "meh, don't care," ships, though. The shorter question is which ships I actively like. I actively like Twidash, Scootabelle, Appledash, Rarijack, Twijack, Rarishy, Twipie, Pinkiedash,Snowmac, and Twishy. Roughly that order or so. After that you start getting into shrug territory, which isn't against those ships, just not something super-relevant to my interests.
2298352
I think the only ship that I absolutely cannot read is PinkieDash. Just can't do it, no reason no excuse.
This is actually very nicely done. Bravo, bravo indeed.
Also found it interesting that Twilight cried Celestia's name in vain, while Dash used' Luna's. An interesting touch, for sure, and one that pleases me greatly, for some reason.
And, I like TwiDash. Best shipping pair ever. Earned yourself a follow just because you like TwiDash too.