It's winter in Ponyville, and winter means coldness, and coldness means sitting at home, cuddling to keep each other warm. But not everypony has someone to cuddle with.
Living in a cloud had many advantages. You could hide from lame earth ponies and unicorns, and in summer it was always keeping itself cool. And whenever you needed a shower, you'd just kick the wall and the ceiling above you would rain. Keeping warmth however was not included.
Oh my, another new story. I hope I'm not just going quantity before quality!
This is supposed to be sad, and I hope I actually can bring your hearts to at least move a little.
The story is pretty, pretty, pretty damn short, but I still hope that you get what I'm trying to say. It's not really made for keeping you busy for a long time, but for thinking about it a little while. I hope you enjoy it.
Sixty winters behind me, I have learned that the combination of loneliness and chill will play hell with the inside of your head -- and with the very fabric of your soul, if you let it. Too often I've let it. Thumbs up from me, for a reminder I may have needed.
Wow What a great story. and your not the only pony to make stories at night- if i said that right. sorry for my bad english?
Winter WIthin - Before The Dawn
Warning: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
This review will be mostly things to improve. Here's how I'm going to review this:
-I have no tact, and I'm blunt. If I come off as rude, I assure you I'm not trying to be.
-At a point, I'll be acting as the character commenting on your story. This isn't meant to insult you; actually, it's meant to get a laugh as well as point out flaws.
-I will open with a somewhat-related beginning. Please bear with it.
Please keep in mind that this isn't meant to insult you in any way at all; it is only meant to help. Also note that you don't have to take all of my advice; if there's something you think will hurt either your story or your style, then ignore it. Again, not meant to insult, but to help.
My memory isn't the greatest, but I do remember winters spent when I lived in Washington. I used to go sledding with my brother and friends down a large hill, and then go to my house with my family and drink hot cocoa and watch movies. When I moved to California around the age of ten or eleven, I didn't see snow anymore—I just had to put up with the damn cold! I will say that I was never lonely, so reading a story about a character who spent their winters alone during the winter is a new experience for me.
Your set-up is kinda interesting. Rainbow Dash spending a winter alone in her cloud house is a good idea, since the cloud house isn't in Ponyville, and it's not in Cloudsdale. There is one thing that bother me about this premise, though: where was Tank during all of this? It's not specified in the show if he stays with Rainbow Dash in the cloud house (if it's possible at all), but having no mention of him in a story where Rainbow Dash feels lonely and he could give her comfort bothers me. It's not a big issue, I'll admit, since people have a habit of forgetting him, but it bothers me personally.
Your actual story begins with a description of the advantages of living in a cloud house, and unlike other stories, I think it's a very good opening paragraph. The cloud house is a very important part of this story, as it doesn't keep the cold out, so the introduction of its advantages provides some interesting information:
1. It gets into the mind of Rainbow Dash, since she probably loves her cloud home, and would probably try to not be ungrateful for it (I know it's not in first-person, but the story is important to Rainbow Dash).
2. It gives the cloud house as an integral part of the story (which it is, by concept).
I do take issue with it in some respects:
1. Your introduction is meant to introduce the advantages of cloud houses, yes? If so, why is it written in past tense? You're trying to relate how cool it is to live in a cloud house (not in winter), so why use "had" instead of "have"?
2. This episode is about loneliness, I believe, and I know Rainbow Dash is the main character, but I don't think calling pegasi and unicorns "lame" benefits your story.
3.
I think this would serve better in the second paragraph. The first one is a general list of advantages of the cloud house, and having this sentence as the introduction of the second paragraph, in my opinion, would bring a harsh reality of its disadvantage as a focus; I think it would be more unified in the second paragraph, where Rainbow Dash is experiencing a cold winter in her cloud house.
Also, you could do with rearranging your information. Since you mention warmth at the end, it would probably benefit you to place the summer coolness at the end of the paragraph, immediately before the mention of the winter warmth, for contrast.
That's my analysis of your first paragraph. I went in-depth on it because it is the introduction to your story. If you don't capture a reader's attention in the introduction, then you will probably lose them. I enjoy your first paragraph, even if it has problems.
And then we get to your second paragraph, and I begin to have a problem. For such a focus on the advantages of the cloud house, you don't mention anything about this particular one, how cold it is; you also don't mention anything about Rainbow Dash other than she would head over to her friends' places in the past. Your goal is to introduce the situation, and you don't have her shivering or anything about the inside of the house. All you have is that it was getting colder; that's definitely true, since it's winter, but this isn't about weather: it's about how cold cloud houses get in the winter. Consider these paragraph:
"Living in a cloud has many advantages. You can hide from earth ponies and unicorns when they were being persistent, and relax when the land-troubles were too much. It can be a lofty retreat, with a natural shower and a great view of sunsets. They're built to keep cool during blistering hot summers.
Keeping heat during the winter, however, was not included. The bitter cold would creep in and linger there, almost like a fog. In a particular cloud house above Ponyville, which itself was chilly, a pegasus mare lay in her bed, shivering and huddling into herself, icicles beginning to form on the walls."
This example introduces a point of conflict: man vs. environment. It does so in a way that doesn't give away too much, but gives enough to set the scene. My problem with your second paragraph is that it doesn't set the scene.
In fact, oddly, we don't get a real picture of the scene until the sixth paragraph, "The rainbow-maned mare stared out of a window into the sky. Big, white clouds covered it. A tear slowly rolled down her face as she wondered what was going on." Your asking us if she had a reason to feel depressed doesn't work, as the narrator already knows this (and doesn't have the tone that would do such a thing, like that of a mysterious whimsical storyteller), and that background in the fourth paragraph comes out of nowhere. She's lonely, so here's some information about Twilicorn. Why? Why do we need to know this? Does Twilight's transformation result in less visits from her? It's not explained. You talk about their fame and how awesome it is, but it doesn't fit because the focus isn't on Rainbow Dash being alienated; it's about her dealing with a day in winter. If you're going to dwell on Rainbow Dash no longer having contact with her friends, then perhaps you should explore (in the story) what happened to the other five ponies that she can't go and see them.
As it is, your fourth paragraph is a mess. "Twi had become the legendary 'Twilicorn', which was written on posters of the new princess all over Equestria." This is worded very oddly. It's a bit difficult to read, with the way it's worded. Looking past that, there's no significance to knowing that Twilicorn was written on posters all across Equestria. I'm guessing it's a way to advertise, but it's not really a good one, considering how large the transformation was; even then, why is this important to Rainbow Dash? In fact, why is it important in this situation, where Rainbow Dash is probably freezing, to know that they became famous? It's not explored, and as it is, it's insignificant.
Does that make sense? if it doesn't please let me know.
Moving on, just a note, we don't need to know that she's "rainbow-maned"; we know who she is, so just say "she" or "Rainbow Dash" ONLY if you haven't already. Descriptions like this, when there's only one character, should be invisible (and 'she' is fairly invisible). But, like I said earlier,this is a good paragraph (somewhat). It establishes something about the scene: large clouds covered the sky, and she's beginning to cry. This, however, leads to a very big problem with the story as a whole: there's no indication that she's cold. I think ever. You don't have her shiver, you don't have her teeth chatter—I don't even think you mention the cold in the cloud house! Why have an introduction about the poor insulation in the cloud house if there's nothing about being cold?
Grammar nitpick: It's spelled "crisis," not "crysis" (unless it's an alternate spelling in your country).
I'm not a fan of how you just brush off the emotional crisis as something everypony has; it really undermines your character's feelings when the focus is on trying to cope with these new feelings.
Word-Choice nitpick: There's a difference between the ground and the floor. The floor is the bottom of a room, while the ground is the surface of the room. If she heard it hit the ground, then she has extremely good hearing; it is more likely that you meant the tear hit the floor. Also, I just realized something: it sank into the clouds that are currently under her hooves, so... is she standing? What is she doing? Is she just standing by her window, staring at the sky? The scene is not established very well, and it's confusing.
So after all this scene-setting (or lack thereof), we get to this:
I have a problem with this. It's fine that she's thinking about relationships now that she's alone, but I'm concerned that the only relationship that' brought up here is the romantic kind. Like I mentioned earlier, there's no mention of why she can't cuddle up with one of her friends, in either a friendly or romantic manner; there's the talk of families, but no mention of Rainbow Dash's family. Her friends are probably cuddling with theirs, so why isn't she with her parents or siblings or whatnot? I'm assuming this is shortly after the Twilicorn incident, before any of the Mane 6 have any foals; if it is a time where they have foals, and the families are the ones they're raising, then it needs to be mentioned. Otherwise, I feel like something about Rainbow Dash's family would benefit your story.
Also, you should change "family" to "families," to prevent a number disagreement.
The first part of this could be condensed as "More tears fell," to save space. It is nice to know what she's doing right now... but hoping for a surprise doesn't sit well with me. She isn't bored, she's surprised. Hoping for a "surprise" doesn't convey that. I'd replace it with something like "and hoped for somepony to knock on her door. Anything to break the silence." That would convey loneliness better, I think.
Let's address this, shall we?
So this entire story had no indication that she was feeling cold, and yet now we're meant to know that she's ignoring the cold? What's the point of having a cold environment if it's ignored all the time? It doesn't add suspense or help create a mood. The cold of winter is beginning to feel like a superfluous detail.
That aside, I think this is a great paragraph. You actually have a quiet moment where action and thought are merged as one appropriately. The time passing is a nice characterizing action, and the snippets about the setting really help draw us into the scene. It's good, I believe.
Awkward wording again. Saying "she had a few tears left" would be clearer; the way you have it is clumsy. Also, I'll address the pitch black later.
Grammar nitpick: "Eventually small snowflakes were slowly falling from the sky." Tense disagreement. Get rid of "were" and change "falling" to "fell." That's grammatically correct.
Moving on, I think the snowflakes falling would've been a good place to mention the word "silently"; the sound of rain is usually a comfort to people, but seeing snowflakes, small, silent and freezing to the touch, would create a haunting image in the lonely place.
Now for the rest of that paragraph. First off, why do you have Rainbow Dash wait for HOURS to have a breakdown? Does she realize that her hopes for somepony coming are probably not going to happen? Ever? You don't have anything to indicate this; you just have her stare out a window for hours. No contemplation on what other ponies are doing throughout this time, no thought of doing something productive, no thought of not being able to do anything—it just happens. Second, did she really take the time to bend down and lie on her side before she cried? Or did something else happen? Or am I not getting something?
Grammar nitpick: You actually do this twice: "wether" should be "whether" unless it's different in your country's English.
I do like how you constantly reference an uncertain amount of time that passed. You keep doing this, which makes the passage of time in solitude more present, and I think that's a nice touch. The other actions are nice. This
is a good paragraph.
Now let's move on to this next paragraph:
I have multiple issues with this paragraph.
1. How does Rainbow Dash know Twilight's eyes are reddened? She's in pitch black. The inside of her house is black, and I'm guessing that with the clouds covering the sky, very little, if any light is coming through the sky. How does she see that well?
2. I don't think it's important to know that Twilight's looking at her UNLESS she's looking at her in a specific way. I also don't like the work "as"; I think "when" would work better.
3. How does Rainbow Dash know they were crying about the same thing? The narrator does know this, but saying something "seems" to do something or be something in 3rd-person narration isn't usually a good thing (I can't think of a situation where it is a good thing to do).
Which Twilight didn't see because it's pitch black in there. Indicate a light source if there is one, please.
Rainbow Dash: Well, that's good. Don't want to strain your brain in case some complicated emotion arises, or you need to debate with your heart.
My point: this doesn't make sense.
Not Worthy: You had been depressed?
Not Worthy: This sounds too unnatural. "I feel lonely" works because she's still feeling lonely.
Rainbow Dash: Umm... do you mean that you were missing me and you wanted to see me, or I'm an integral part of your life you can't be without?
Not Worthy: I don't know. Twilight Sparkle is clearer than this, even—I assume—when dealing with complicated emotions. The possible two interpretations isn't a good thing. I think you should reword this, perhaps to either "I think I just needed to visit you" or slow it down where they just hang out.
Grammar nitpick: When it says "Rainbow Dash didn't know what to answer," it should be "Rainbow Dash didn't know how to answer/respond."
And then Twilight says she needed to confess at that moment or else the chance would be gone, she she will respect Rainbow Dash however she decides, and she hopes it doesn't jeopardize their relationship. I summarize this because
a)It's written with tense-changes which makes it a tad difficult to read, and
b) it comes out of nowhere.
Seriously, if you want to put a romance in there, then have a romance tag. If Twilight's going to, for lack of a better term, barge right in and confess her love for Rainbow Dash, have Twilicorn (not Twilight Unicorn) as a tag!
That first "she" sounds like it's Twilight. There, you need to indicate that it's Rainbow Dash (by just saying it's Rainbow Dash, not a rainbow-maned or cyan mare).
So Rainbow Dash pulls Twilight in a hug, and it's returned. Actually, that's good; at least they're not lonely anymore, right? However,
1. You don't need the phrase "purple mare"; just say Twilight.
2. When was the first time that time was racing away from them? That comes out of nowhere (I think).
Nitpick: The next paragraph mentions a lit lantern that should've been mentioned much earlier, like when Twilight first knocked on the door.
The next few paragraphs describe their make-out session, and I HAVE to bring this up:
Wow. Way to make your characters Mary Sues. More passionate than every single other kiss that had ever happened between anypony or any creature ever? First off, that sounds extremely pretentious, like you're trying way too hard to make this sound special. Second, WHY DOES IT MATTER?
You want to make this a romance? Fine. Make it a romance, but at least remember what your story's about. They're lonely, and they're probably cold. They're not participating in a kissing contest, nor are they trying to create beauty with their kiss. They're just kissing. They feel something for each other (that comes out of nowhere), so they kiss. We just need to know about the kiss, NOT that it's super special compared to all other kisses ever!
Sorry if I come off as rude, but that phrase is really bad for you to have. I suggest removing it immediately.
Grammar nitpick: "They opened their mouths' simultaniously," "mouths" does not need an apostrophe.
Also,
This makes absolutely no sense at all.
So I take it this was a dream Rainbow Dash had to cope with the loneliness... okay.
These two paragraphs (this one and the one before it) are actually pretty good. I will advise you to replace "perfect" with something like "beautiful" or "peaceful" or something like that.
Let me get this straight: Rainbow Dash is lonely and completely ignores the cold. Twilight Sparkle is an alicorn who... apparently has a thing for Rainbow Dash. Both of them are looking for somepony to spend some time with... or perhaps they're hoping to spend the rest of their lives together. And because Twilight can't get inside, and Rainbow Dash is falling asleep... they die?
...What?
No, really, what does this say about being lonely? That if you stay in the cold for no reason when someone is searching for you, you'll die? What's the point of the story? Why did this happen? Why did we spend a day with Rainbow Dash being in the cold for no discernible reason, not really thinking about her friends or the fact that she has no mate to keep her warm, but instead just laying down and crying about her problems before dying? They don't even cuddle, like your summary suggests she'll either accomplish or not even get close to accomplishing. She wanted someone to be with, and the resolution of that was death? She didn't even go out looking for somepony! There's no indication that she couldn't find someone to care for, which makes this death seem less like a result of an inability to bond with anypony in this situation and more like the result of just not doing anything!
And this doesn't just apply to you; this applies to all stories: when you have an overwhelming emotional moment, like a character taking their last breath or a big reveal, make sure you spell things correctly. Not doing so will ruin the big moment.
How does this end?
...Found her peace? Is this one of those stories that creates a plot only to have "death is the only true peace" tacked on to it? She wasn't looking for peace; she was looking for a friend! I think you have them mixed up.
My final thoughts on this story? The biggest problem I have with it is that it's way too vague. You don't explore why she can't go and see anypony else, keeping her here for no reason. The conflict is man-vs.-self, Rainbow Dash wants somepony to talk to, but doesn't do anything to go and get it; you don't explain why. There's no explanation on what's happened to her friends that would cause Rainbow Dash to not go and stay with them; surely one of them would be worried about her. You are also vague on why the cold weather actually matters. For most of the story, it has no effect on anything; the only time it's actually important is when it appears to kill Rainbow Dash and Twilight off, and it's a cheap resolution because they never fight for anything. It's vague on setting and conflict, making the story seem confused.
The romance comes out of nowhere. It is a nice way to break the loneliness, but it doesn't work here because they don't cuddle; they make out. Rainbow Dash wants to lay with somepony, and when Twilight comes over, that doesn't happen. What Rainbow Dash wants as a small goal could've been accomplished as a simple show of friendship, or you could've made it into a nice romance; it does, however, resolve too quickly without building much atmosphere or showing character interaction. It's thrust on the reader out of nowhere, and it's jarring.
Your story doesn't resolve itself. Rainbow Dash doesn't fight for anything, and there's no reason why she can't fight. She doesn't use Twilight to cuddle, but they make out for some reason. And then Rainbow Dash dies, without a fight, without any sign of regret that she can't spend more time with her friends or peace that she got to spend a good amount of time with her friends. This story is supposed to be about a lonely winter night, and the despair at not being able to find a companion to fight through it, and with the relief of finding someone, but instead it's about depression (which is alright) and a romance which is forced.
That is my opinion. I wish you the best of your talents with your future stories.
2287013
First of all, thanks for your epically long text, I promise I'm not insulted, I hope you won't be by mine since I am lacking any kind of tact, too
I'm gonna respond partwise, it's easier for me that way
-Yes, you are right, Tank could've been here, and yes, I've forgot about him, though I think I would've not really involved him even if I didn't, because the story obviously was meant to be sad and lonely. I'm not sure wether to make this a "Parallel Universe" story now, too, and put in the description that he is not existing in this story
-I appologize for the grammatical mistakes, don't really know how they got there :/
-I mainly agree with your advices for the first paragraph, and will look back at them for the next story, though I will not change this one
-Yes, you are right, the stuff about Twilicorn was a little too unexplained in my story. I wanted to show up reasons why Rainbow Dash shouldn't be depressed, but forgot to introduce it properly
-You're embarassing me, man, showing up all those things I forgot to mention ;)
-Sadly I am no native, so I hope you can forgive me small spelling mistakes (did actually think it was crysis
)
-For the rest I don't really know what to say, since I could answer everything simply with a "You're right"
Thanks for telling me all that stuff, it really (seriously, no fucking irony, though it sounds ironic in my ears) helped me and I will look back at it for later stories!
So what, she dead?