Inkblot Sonnet
Joined 9th Aug, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Banchoking · 1.8k words · 37 6 · 1.3k views
- Banchoking · 2.5k words · 76 4 · 2.1k views
- Banchoking · 1.9k words · 116 10 · 4.1k views
- Ebony Gryphon · 2.1k words · 25 38 · 1.2k views
- SpinelStride · 26k words · 78 7 · 2.7k views
- SugarBeat · 2.5k words · 97 23 · 1.4k views
- archonix · 40k words · 81 4 · 1.8k views
- archonix · 8.7k words · 73 4 · 1.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.135 seconds
Total duration
959 users online
492,629 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
EDIT: See below for a more coherent post.
I rather liked this. The style makes it a little difficult to get through, but not tremendously so. The only concern is that this doesn't seem to connect very much with the Xenophilia stories beyond having herds as a social structure.
Greenfounding? I like the date term. I also immediately want this guy to succeed, as at the moment he desperately is in need of a hug.
I like the purple nature of the prose, and I particularly like the strikethroughs. It shows the character to be intelligent and naive, without anyone having to say so. Ultimately, that makes us care, and his uncertainty and trepidation makes him need a hug.
It has garnered my favor.
I shall be particularly impressed if your writing style evolves to fit the character's piece of mind. Currently, he reads as an ingenue. Were he to shut down emotionally, he would write in terse sentence fragments.
Given the epistolary conceit, it may be very difficult to write clop into this. One does not necessarily wax poetic about such things in their diary, to my understanding of such things. The emotional rollercoaster attached to it, perhaps.
Then again, I do not keep a diary, so I am hardly an expert on such things.
Very nice, well written and quite enjoyable. I understand that you will have a few perplexed readers concerning the removed timeline from the main story... yet I do think that these kinds of stories serve a purpose. AnonAuthor has created a very interesting Equestria for writers to play with, and yet because the core story is over... we have so many readers craving new material. Material associated with the Lero and Dash that is. So expect a few disgruntled souls but don't let that demotivate you at all.
Also with Xenophile's Guide so readily available, I'm surprised there aren't more stories out there. So yeah, I believe that a story like this that expands upon the pre-Equestria times is nothing but a good thing for the Xeno-verse. It stands to show that a good story in this universe can exist without any attachment to Lero and his herd and still feel like part of the same story. Besides, I think that both AnonponyDASHIE and The Quiet Man have us well covered for Lero stories right now. Good job Inkblot and I look forward to further chapters from you.
Even though there was very little that related to Xeno, this was actually quite enjoyable. Really, it's nice seeing something that is away from the main story line but still connected in some way. Also, I'm always happy to read pre-Equestria stuff. I think doing this as a journal was a really good idea, and I agree with 2285573 about the strikethroughs. They really do add to the overall reading experience.
You did a really good job of drawing me into the character, making me wish to not only know more about him, but want him to have success as well. One thing though is that you might want to work on developing some settings. It'd be nice to have some kind of description of the place where he is writing (i.e. desk in bedroom). It helps the reader to not only imagine what the character is describing, but also imagine the character doing the writing.
Overall I think you did a really nice job, and look forward to future chapters!
2285854 It's not just the herding. Aspects of the history touched on in Xenophilia will be mentioned or featured in this story. Such a statement may sound contrived, but I am quite firmly determined that this is set in the Xenoverse. Only time shall tell if my readers agree.
Ha Ha! Purple!
Honestly, the prose is heading just purple and heading into ultraviolet. This may be a stylistic choice, it might also be simply the way you write but there's a bit of a problem with this considering some of the information your OC gave. His vocabulary is not indicative of
coltstallion that has had a limited access to books and writing. It reads like somebody who has a prodigious vocabulary and feels the need to use as many words as possible when fewer could work. I know I'm not the best example when it comes to talking about this but this actually happens to be the way I speak.If you're going to continue this, you might need to consider having him speak the way that he writes. Just an observation.
2285991
Yeesh, give him a break. You're sounding very elitist.
To be set in the Xeno'verse, to my mind, literally means being set in the same universe. As long as there are no conflicts with canon or Word of God, this can be a part of the 'verse.
The Xeno'verse was created around RD and Lero, but has expanded beyond that. To say that they are the center of the 'verse is true, but to say that they are all the verse contains is not. One of the things I liked best about Xeno was the worldbuilding, and I'm sure others would agree. This worldbuilding is what we're seeing in action right now. To say that it isn't a valid part of the Xeno'verse is to do AnonAuthor a disservice.
2285893
Love the story so far. I was worried at first about the indigo tint in your language, but it became more readable it it went on. I think it's an interesting stylistic choice, and considering the limited frame we have to see the character in, a very good idea to demonstrate his mindset. Purple Prose suits a romantic well, and it ties in with his reading. Very well done.
I'm looking forward to more!
2285991
I'm not sure I can agree with that, since the "worldbuilding fluff" you dismissively mention is what helps set Xenophilia aside from most all the other HiE stories out there. As long as he is following the worldbuilding and not changing anything with the core canon of the original story, then I can see no reason to deny him Xenoverse status.
Its a harmless story so far, and its a hell of a lot better than two other side stories in the folder I'd rather not mention. It is my opinion that, at least in this case, one does not have to leash themselves directly to the modern core canon to be considered part of the Xenoverse. I would rather like to see talented writers expand on this world more. The Gentlemanverse borrowed heavily from Xenoverse and created a really awesome setting, so it is my belief that much more could be with this world here that doesn't necessarily require Lero's heard to be center stage. Besides, I believe the most qualified authors for Lero's story are already handling that quite well as it is, no need to have another proverbial chef spoiling the pot there.
Also, as long as the story remains both good and within the guidelines of Xenoverse, the author can keep writing his prose as purple as he sees fit, be it to his detriment or not. You are off to a good start 2285893, I look forward to seeing where this all goes.
2286756
While I agree that Xenophilia is about Lero and RD, that is not, in my mind, the sum of the story. The world building isn't garnish, it's the ISP. There are more HiE shipfics than I care to count, and most of them are unremarkable. I know you acknowledged a drop in quality if the world building was removed, but lets look at what caused Xeno to be popular in the first place. The Xeno'verse is as popular as it is because of the world building, in my opinion. Most Clop/Shipfics don't get groups devoted to them. Even taking into account AnonAuthor's writing skill, it's still hard to believe world building isn't one of Xeno's key attractions. That's more than garnish.
This story is expanding upon and exploring the world building laid down by AnonAuthor in Xenophilia. As such, it is part of that 'verse. By denying it that place because it doesn't feature the same characters is petty and elitist. Take the example of The Conversion Bureau or Friendship is Optimal. They both have very large and successful 'verses despite very few characters remaining constant between stories. This is because they exist in worlds with world building so powerful you can write a story on that alone. Xenophilia is like that.
The Xeno'verse is the world building. Xenophilia is about Lero, RD, and the characters around them. Derivative works can pick and choose where they want to live on that sliding scale. Some will ignore the greater chunk of that world building to focus on characters. Some will do the opposite.
I'm sorry I'm not responding much to your points, but I'm not sure what I can say. You obviously have a far more closed view on what counts as a derivative work, but considering you are on a site devoted to Fanfiction for My Little Pony, which often has nothing to do with the show at all, character-wise, should you really be so quick to judge legitimacy of inclusion?
2286859
Why do we need any more proof than "trust me bro, it is", as you put it? This isn't important, this doesn't matter. This is fanfiction of fanfiction of a children's TV show. He wants to classify it as part of the Xeno'verse? Let him. Let us all, since it is obviously inspired by Xeno and draws heavily from the worldbuilding.
Yes, Xeno is about pony/human interaction, but from an analytic perspective, in order to illuminate the satire of the worldbuilding. This historical account is a different tactic for providing that illumination. Obviously, Xeno is more than just a satirical mirror of life, but that is certainly a thematic concern. To dismiss it as a non-central focus of the story would be giving AnonAuthor far too little credit. I think each person takes something different away from Xenophilia. It is unfair to say that it is any one thing, or that any part is more valid than another.
How would you classify tribute works? Surely all stories in the group not specifically endorsed by AnonAuthor count as such? They are not strictly canon, unless so noted. I agree many have more direct connection, but why should you be the one to decide where that line is? Let AnonAuthor or AnonponyDASHIE make that call, if they feel it is necessary.
My original point was misunderstood and turned into something...
...No, fuck it, just forget any of it ever happened and continue writing, and I'll continue reading. Disregard everything I said before, it's not important. I don't even want to leave it up in the comments.
I'm just... tired.
2286756
Yes, I understand you are only warning the author to be wary, and I myself replied to your comment only out of concern that your warning might be hasty. This is only the prologue, lets not scare the author here, let him post a chapter or two so we can see where this goes.
Except that right there is the thing isn't it? This author has said upfront that this work takes place in the Xenoverse, as stated in the stories description. At no point does his story simply allude to the world building elements in Xenophilia, but instead outright plain as day states that this most definitely takes place in, and is indeed part of, the Xenoverse. Now at this point, its up to the author to make it believable that this is so, since one can claim their work is a part of anything. You are right about the fact that there has to be something to tie this to Xenophilia, and I agree that at some point the author could give some little wink or nod to it all. However in my opinion, using the Xenoverse world building is enough as is, given the stories setting.
Now this does beg the question as to whether this story merits the "Side Story" folder since this isn't so much a side story as it is simply a story that takes place in the Xenoverse world. Maybe there should be a folder just for stories like these? Now I know you might ask why one would even bother to do that (since according to you, not having Lero or main characters close to him in the story means it isn't a legitimate Xenoverse fanfic). The answer is simple, because some authors, like 2285893, want to have their story set in this universe, but wish to write about some of the other ponies in it.
Also,
That's just cherry picking a scenario right there sir and irrelevant to this conversation. At no point are any elements of Xenophilia being removed from this story. In fact they are all left in 100% intact as we know them because this story, as it plainly states in it's summary, takes place before the main story. Nothing about the canon is being changed or omitted here, it's simply taking for granted that one has read the main story already. You can't use the "removing aspects of canon" card unless the author actually outright does it.
At no point does the author say anything to the effect of " Well, there's no Lero in Xenophilia folks, but hey look at this OC I made!" Instead the author says something to the effect of "You remember Lero and Xenophilia, great story right? Well 'X' number of years ago before Lero appeared, there was this one really sappy colt who wrote a journal about stuff. Here's what it said..." Whether one wants to read that story is up to the individual, but as it stands and until it proves itself otherwise, it fits into the Xenoverse just fine as is.
Ok, now that I'm not working on over a full day of wakefulness, I can articulate better why I'm not exceptionally keen on this. The prose is purple. Very purple. That may be an intended situation but I'm not keen on excessively flowery works. I don't like purple prose usually, I'm more of a colloquial reader-writer. Write as thou speaketh and all that - indeed, this may be 'as thou speaketh' for you so I'm not one to complain (overtly much). But that's not why I'm wary of this.
The tone doesn't match my expectation of what a stallion would sound like in that situation. I want to make it clear that it is my expectation that is being violated here because I may have been 100% inaccurate in that and that is potentially not a failure on the author's part, it might be one on my end as a reader.
What do I know as-reader? From the story, this is a stallion in a small earth pony town who is just recently out of colt-hood (late though that may be). You told me that but I don't feel that. The writing doesn't match the average writing of a young adult but it is in the past. It seems almost Victorian in tone - wait, 189?! This is where the tone and my expectations deviate drastically from one another. I'm not 100% sure what systems of year-naming exist in Xenophilia but this seems roughly 1700 years prior to the original. That's fine! This would place it post-Discord, pre-NMM I'm guessing? My expectation for a tone in this setting would be Medieval-Renaissance, not Victorian. But writing in Middle English is a pain to do with accuracy unless you've studied it so I can see forgoing the 'thee/thou/you' conundrum.
And then it just begins to go further and further. You state it's uncommon to learn your letters as a colt and yet this stallion seems very well versed in them. Ok - but how'd he get this level of proficiency? He's a small-town colt with a self-admitted limited access to books yet he writes with an almost excessive amount of eloquence. You'd normally find this in individuals that read fiction primarily but he's in a small earth pony town - farming 'how-to's and almanacs would be more common and that would lend his writing an air of dry, almost toneless expression.
As a diary, it fails a bit. Too much 'backstory' presented - write about the day of him receiving his CM, not a 'look back' on it. 'Dear Diary, It finally happened! I received my Cutie Mark after' etc. etc. reads as more interesting and engaging than 'Dear Diary, I'm looking forward to romance and my cutie mark is thus.' It just doesn't feel like a diary to me, I suppose. Instead of a feeling of snooping in someone's personal papers, I'm getting a sense this was written to be read by others - I mean it was obviously, but it shouldn't feel like it.
I think setting this so far back was a bit of an error. I would have made it more contemporary and placed the colt in a semi-urban landscape with easier access to libraries - or given him a more doting
fathermotherlead mare. Perhaps a century prior to Lero's emergence rather than the 1000+ years. As-is, it doesn't feel like a diary set in the age you've told me it is.Mechanically, it's fine - really well written in that sense. But the presented tone vs. my expectation of tone is too far off for me to properly enjoy it. I'm sorry.
I'm liking the continued explorations into the herd/gender dynamic, and looking forward to more!
Sorry about the debate.
I'm enjoying this bit of whimsy. After quite a few deep, dark and often times introspective stories it's nice to read one that dosn't take itself too serious. As for Flamehearth, he's going to find that his entire problem of not acting stallion-y enough stems from reading far too much and, as a result, becoming too articulate and verbose for what is considered proper stallion behavior.
I look forward to more. 
Remember my misgivings about the potential clop in this fic? Consider them resolved. This feels like an actual diary entry might from such an event.
2392258 Really? Oh, I was worried about that bit. Glad to know it turned out alright.
Going through a budding relationship myself, I can relate to the thought process in this chapter. I tend to go all Twilight, and over think on little problems to the point of just confusing myself further.
Diese ist wunderbar! Have a mustache:
interesting story, go on
2287769 With this in mind, I've got some interesting new directions to pursue. So, thank you for your criticism. I would like to tell you that you're "more right" than you think you are about this "not sounding like a diary in the age it's set", too. No exact numbers, but this is set more than two thousand years before Lero's arrival. More than one thousand years before Equestria was unified as a nation. I chose this time setting because, while I like how the Xenophile's Guide defines cutie marks for the three tribes, I didn't want to follow those rules exactly. At this early a time period, I could simply say that those standards and traditions haven't yet developed fully in Earth Pony society, which I would peg as the slowest to develop a tradition like that because I believe they are the "least organised", or perhaps "least centralised" of the three tribes. They don't have nations at this point, but small villages. The Unicorns might have a feudal-esque system and the Pegasi would probably be more like (semicivilised) Klingons at this point, but the Earth Ponies have small villages led by semi-democratic methods.
Anyway, my worldbuilding aside, I have some work to do to justify Flamehearth's oddity and explore the consequences of it. Maybe I dug myself a hole here, but at least I can dig myself out.
Well, it is a diary, there's going to be entries like this sometimes.
It's a good chapter, wouldn't be SOL if it didn't have entries like this.
I think you meant fill the old ones with dirt from the new.
I also find that kind of labor as another avenue to let the mind wander. I certainly do it all the time at work
3221074 Thankey for that one.
CloudShield eh ................ not trust her
for some reason