Chapter 5
Tears shimmered in the corners of Luna’s as she pressed a hoof to her mouth in shock. She leaned against the white marble railing of the balcony, looking down upon all of Equestria.
It was beautiful.
In muted hues of darkness and silver, the entire land seemed to glow beneath her. Awash with the light of the moon, the colors from the surface’s plants and rivers rebounded more vivid than they ever did before. There was something more substantial to them now, yet ethereal all the the same.
Shadowed trees rustled gently in the warm summer breeze, as silver brooks snaked their way across the green fields of Equestria. The leaves themselves seemed to glow with a pale otherworldly light.
Ponies frolicked and played and laughed and worked and lived across the landscaped. Towns and cities bustled with activity, bustled with life.
Luna turned her face up towards the sky, closing her eyes in sheer bliss as she felt the warm light touch her skin. As soon as she opened her turqoise eyes she, her breathe escape her once again. The moon, her moon, fresh and white, hung in the sky larger than she had ever seen it before. Shadowing it was the blackness of night and that was what took Luna’s breath away.
Stars.
There were so many stars. Lna knew them all by name, and had crafted each and everyone of them by hoof. They were all here. Every star Luna had created for the night, every constellation she had carefully strung was here. The cosmos themselves were here in perfect quality. Not a single star was blocked, or dulled, or muted. She had never remembered a time when all of them could be seen.
The earth was lit and the sky was black, a more surreal sight would be hard to find.
It was the most beautiful thing Luna had ever seen.
“Does it make you unhappy?” her companion asked from alongside her. Luna shook her head, her eyes beaming as she cried.
“Is this nothing more than a dream?” Luna whispered silently, squeezing her eyes shut. “Will I wake in the morning and find this to be nothing more than a selfish desire? A foolish filly’s dream that-”
A white hoof placed itself upon her lips, silencing her.
“This is not a dream...” the white colt whispered back with a smile and Luna opened her eyes. There was such warmth in his yellow glowing eyes that Luna couldn’t help but feel safe around him.
“This is real... and this night of yours will never end...” the Scroll said gently, as he traced a hoof down the dark alicorn’s cheek, wiping away Luna’s tears. “It’s beauty will never be marred... and neither will their love for it...” His fur was warm against Luna’s cheek. “Or my love for it...”
Luna gave a content sigh as the Scroll pulled away, walking towards the window to her bedroom.
“Come on, I’ll race to you to the Astronomy Tower. Celestia’s setting up the telescopes so we can go stargazing!”
Luna giggled and chased after him, a smile stretched out across her face.
Tonight was the most perfect of nights.
The Scroll gently stroked the sleeping Alicorn’s back as Luna’s chest slowly rose and lowered in peaceful breath. Its paper hoof gently brushed against her starry mane, and the briefest flare of light appeared in its artificial eyes.
“So beautiful...” the Scroll whispered. It traced it hoof against her cheek, the touch of her warm breath against its fake limb lost on the creature. “Just like her mother was...”
Nothing could mar the content look its carefully molded paper face.
Not even the incessant pounding on the doors of the throne room. The Scroll quietly sushed the noise, turning it’s gaze to the doors. “Do not worry about them... nothing will end your happiness...” the Scroll promised, and the massive wooden doors were enveloped in a purple hue of magic. There was a splinter sound as they cracked majndnfn 38 83nb nkdkei93 4455# HAHA! Finally, the battery is working!
People, you would not BELIEVE the last two week’s I’ve had. If you’ve noticed on my blog, things have been crazy in my life. As a very fast recap, let me list some of the things. Four college exams, one right after another, two class projects, work, chores, one of my younger siblings (who is a piano player) absolutely destroying his finger bones/tendon (so he might not be able to play piano with his hand again), issues with a scholarship I’m trying to get, girlfriend driving me lovably nuts as usual and of course, to make my day tons better, a potential divorce (that's still a maybe it seems). So yeah, if I’m not ready to curl up and cry by the end of this, it’ll be a miracle.
So fun fun story about this chapter. It was actually a last minute thing because I had ANOTHER chapter written for this. Then I got an idea of an increadible scene I wanted to do, so I went and reworked later chapters for that scene. But by workin that scene in, I realised that I couldnt use that chapter for this! So on Sunday I had to write a brand NEW chapter just to get this my plot to work, only it gets BETTER. My battery overheated and died and the chapter was stored on this computer! So I held-off plugging anything up or doing anything until the problem was fixed!
So I wound up fixing it (I should start a charity with the funds going to fixing this laptop), and using what time I had today to finishing this. JohnPerry, as always, is a total BRO for editing this for me. Yet again All of you, and I mean it, should go check out his page.
Shoutout also goes out to my mare, Fine Plot-OWCH! *rubs his shoulders from where she punches him* Alright, alright, we won't use that name! Shoutout goes out to my mare, Darth Lolita, also for doing major editing for me. She's the one who drives me adorkably crazy. :P
He’s my inspiration you know. *nods nods* Oh, and by the looks of it, my computer hijacked my computer while the battery was out. Straaaaaaaaange.
Well, that’s a Slice of Life for yeah.
“The pain… I see a light at the end of the tunnel… the pain keeps me from going forward.”
“Sun Princess is also drama queen. Schwarzwälder did not know this. Schwarzwälder will be sure to bow twice next time we meet.”
Luna anxiously followed the trainer, her worried gaze never leaving Celestia’s prone form. The goddess had been unceremoniously flung onto the stallion’s back, unable to walk let alone move. No doubt all of Canterlot was laughing their pedigree plots off right now at their goddess’s expense.
Upon Luna’s back sat the massive set of weights that had defeated Celestia, a present from the ever considerate Schwarzwälder to help Celestia train when he was not around. Yet the goddess of the night was carrying them along without so much as a sweat, though she did have trouble keeping pace with Schwarzwälder’s long strides.
“Ow. Ow,” Celestia murmured, her eyes squeezed shut as Schwarzwälder handled her none too gently. Each step of Schwarzwälder’s hoof sent a twinge of discomfort through her prone frame. “Ow. Ow.”
“What’s wrong with her?" Luna asked, trying keep to pace with the giant. "Will she be okay?”
“Sun Princess will be fine. What Princess is feeling is lactic acid built up in her muscles. Sleep and rest good. By tomorrow, soreness will be gone.”
“Ow. Ow. Ow.”
The red giant turned his head to look at the princess on his back as he lumbered down the hallway. “Baby Princess should stop whining. Schwarzwälder knows Princess is stronger than this.”
“Those piranhas had dentures! Metal dentures! Where does a fish even find a dentist for that?”
“Bah. Those fish gave Princess love bites. Fish find Princess very attractive. Very easy. But wait till Princess sees sea bass from Oxtria. We work with them tomorrow.”
A look of relief adorned Luna’s face. She gently stroked her hoof along her sister’s back, in a vain attempt to comfort the sun goddess. Celestia cringed under Luna’s hoof, and the moon goddess whispered an apology. “That seems like an easier challenge for mine sister.”
Swarzewalde gave a mirthless smile. “Sea bass are from where Chernobull went kabloowie.”
Luna froze in her tracks.“I’m afraid to ask, but what-“
“They are very tenacious,” Schwarzwälder finished for her, “and they taste delicious.”
Luna appeared absolutely mortified while a look of disgust crossed Celestia’s face, and the goddess struggled to get off of the stallion’s back. The very thought of a pony eating any sort of creature turned their stomach. Celestia pressed a hoof to her mouth, struggling to keep down what little she had in her gut.
Schwarzwälder stared blankly at them for a few seconds until the hamster in his brain decided to come back from break and resume its jog. He suddenly looked as appalled as they did.
“Not that Schwarzwälder would know personally!” the pony quickly explained. “Schwarzwälder has never tried. Griffon friends at old job in Oxtria, they speak of fish. Schwarzwälder only eats the hay.”
“Is it also from near Chernobull?” Celestia asked dryly. The red giant grinned and nodded.
“Even more ill-tempered. Hay likes to bite back. Like Oxtrian sharks, except without the magic.”
Celestia decided that if she could get away with it this year, she would try to embezzle funds from the Grand Galloping Gala budget in favor of a construction project. After all, What pony in their right mind would waste bits on diamond encrusted napkins when they could be used to build a nice thick wall around the province of Oxtria.
“This is where Schwarzwälder drops you off,” Schwarzwälder said abruptly. Celestia had managed to lift her head off of his side to see that they had arrived infront of their bedroom door. With a moan, Celestia slid off of the stallion’s back without so much as a “Thank you” and threw the doors to her room open, shakily bolting inside.
Luna carefully levitated the barbell off of her back, setting it down gently onto the plush carpet.
"I found that surprising as well... I'll have talk to her about it. Thank thee for thine time today."
"Is no problem. Is what Schwarzwälder does," the trainer rumbled respectfully. "Now to come up with new regiment for tomorrow... and to apologize to Slender for floor."
Luna gave the giant a wry smile. “The royal treasury will take care of the damages. I have a feeling this will only be the first of many…”
The two bid each other goodnight, and Luna couldn’t help but stare after Schwarzwälder as the stallion lumbered down the hallway. She wondered if he had any boasts of slaying Manticores…
Luna sighed as she shut the door with her magic. Those days were long past for her. She then turned back to her sister. Celestia had just barely managed to drag herself over to her ornate bed, and now laid upon it. Her eyes seemed to be glazed over as she stared up at the ceiling, relishing in the comfort of her soft mattress. Somewhere in the time Luna had spoken with Schwarzwälder, Celestia’s hair, which bards had written poems on, had deflated back into the muted pink strands Luna was so familiar with. They hung limply around the white alicorn’s face.
Luna climbed onto the bed with her sister, and rested her chin on one of her hooves. She idly traced circles into the silk sheets with the other, avoiding her sister’s eyes. Luna had never seen her sister this tired.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. There was the one time the two sisters had been forced to carry the weight of the sky. But that was another story for another day.
“So… about today…” Luna began, nervously.
“How can you possibly lift that thing?” Celestia asked, her eyes still not in the present. Luna gave a look over to where the barbell sat in the corner. It lay against the plush carpeting harmlessly like a child’s toy.
Luna gestured towards it. “How could thou not?”
“Luna, that thing nearly broke my back!"
“Tis but iron; weak metal cut from the earth’s womb and smelted by mortal hooves. How could it possibly best thee?"
"It's heavy!"
Luna shook her head in disbelief. "Tia, thou hast worn battle armor that weighed nearly thrice it's load! Thou hast collapsed mountains onto the heads of dragons. How can thou consider such a weight to be heavy?"
"That was then, this is now!" Celestia grunted. "Alright, how did you stay in shape on the moon?"
"I spent every waking moment of my time in exile preparing both my mind and body for inevitable and glorious combat with thee. I felt assured that thou would do the same, especially since thou had a millennium to prepare for my return! What did thou do Celestia?"
"Well... see... about that..."
*****
Fifty Years Ago...
"Here it is, your majesty." the archaeologist beamed, as his assistants wheeled the covered display in front of the princess. "It took us almost a year but we were finally able to override the arcane seals and recover your blessed armor from the ruins of the Everfree."
With as much flourish as a magician, the archaeologist Dig Site gripped the sheet with his teeth and unveiled his discovery.
Celestia rose from her throne and trotted over to the display case. Held within was one of Equestria's earliest creations. It was a suit of armor designed to be worn by Equestria’s sole solar princess. Celestia had been amused by the gift, something that the Arcana Council had forged centuries ago, but never thought she would need to actually put it to practical use.
Celestia pressed her hoof against the glass, the condensation of her breath fogging up the glass ever so slightly.
It was beautiful.
As it was deadly.
Forged out of enchanted red gold, the metal seemed to burn with all of the warmth of summer. Celestia could not help but marvel at the fine, almost invisible and impossibly small runes, etched along the metal seams. Celestia found herself silently mouthing the old tongue as she read the wide variety of incantations. She let a single tear roll down her cheek in remembrance of the ponies who had spent almost a decade forging and enchanting this armor.
She had laughed good-naturedly at it then. There were precious few things that could possibly hurt an alicorn, and with all of the power of the sun itself at her disposal, even less that could pose even the slightest danger to her. A suit of armor for the princess, no matter how well forged, had seemed like giving an extra set of wings to a pegasi; completely unneeded.
Celestia desperately wished she had a chance to go back and thank those ponies one last time. The armor had saved her life in the battle against Nightmare Moon, especially after Luna had crafted her own, using darker enchantment to enhance the armor.
She would need it soon for one final battle.
Celestia turned her head to look at Dig Site. "Open it."
The moment the key had turned into place, the princess's magic took hold. The case flew open, and with it came the armor. Pieces of plate mail began to hover around her as she strapped on the under-harness with her telekinesis. One by one, each piece snapped onto the harness, interlocking with every other piece.
The guards around Celestia marveled in awe of her at sight of their now warrior princess. Some even covered their eyes from the blinding glow. Even Captain MacApple, the sturdy young solider who seemed to the princess's new confidant let his ever present monocle drop from his eye. This was not the same pony who had spent hours with the bickering nobles with a smile on her face. This was a deity from time before legend, a golden centurion from an age long past.
"I desire to... spar... guards... to the courtyard..." Celestia's strained voice came from within the armor. It sounded as though she was in great discomfort.
"Your highness, is everything all right?" MacApple asked, a small frown crossing his face. The golden princess stiffly nodded.
"Just... dandy... fits... like a... glove..."
"Well... alright then." MacApple said with a weak smile. He then turned his gaze onto the soldiers standing at attention. "All right now stallions! Hup-to!" MacApple ordered. "Fall into line! Silence in the ranks! About face! Company march into the sunset, wot. Left left right right! Left left right right!" he continued.
As the soldiers filed out of the throne room, MacApple turned back to the princess, who had remained motionless. "Umm... forgive me for asking, your majesty, but aren't you coming?"
"I'll be... right... there..." came the high-pitched voice of Princess Celestia.
Some of the pegasi soldiers exchanged glances, confusion crossing their faces. There was the groan and squeak of metal against metal.
"Princess, I-"
"Can't... move..." Celestia gasped as she attempted to lift the leg of the sardine can she was in. "Can't.... breathe..."
Slowly, little by little, MacApple watched as the golden goddess lift her magnificent hoof off of the palace's tile flooring. "Ha! Success!" Celestia cried as she managed to place it forward. There was another sudden groan from the armor. Celestia's somehow managed to lower her head and look down at herself. The bolts securing the armor were rattling in place. "Uh oh"
When MacApple recounted the story to his grandfoals years later, he boasted that it was the years of hard training in her majesty's service learning to dodge lemon meringue pies that gave him the swift reflexes that saved his life.
In reality, it was more than likely dumb luck.
"Hit the deck!" the officer shouted as he dove for the floor. He had just managed to cover his face with his hooves and fold back his wings before he encountered his first brush with death.
As if somepony had pressed a detonator, the armor had suddenly turned into a weapon. With a hundred tiny 'pings', the golden bolts and screws that had held together the armor plating shot out of their casings, finally free of the built up pressure. The bits of metal shot in all directions, and ponies just barely managed to leap out of the way in time as the shrapnel flew by them. Professor Dig Site himself dove behind the display case as a line of bolts came flying his way.
The metal dug into the stone walls and pillars around the throne room, causing bits of sharp stone to ricochets onto the cowering ponies. One of the bolts shattered a particularly elaborate (and undoubtedly priceless) stained glass window and sent a shower of brilliantly colored pieces of jagged glass on everypony.
The entire thing lasted maybe five seconds. For MacApple, it felt more like five hours. He kept his hooves firmly in front of his face, well after he thought the danger was over. It was only concern for his princess and his stallions that forced him to finally tentatively peel his hooves off his face and access the situation.
The royal throne room was a mess. Small hoof sized craters marked the floor, walls, and ceiling where bits of metal had embedded themselves into the stone. Pieces of broken columns and glass lay scattered around the floor, and dust from the said broken stone drifted through the air. Dozens of ponies lay trembling on the floor, still shell shocked.
MacApple shakily got to his hooves, brushing bits of stone off of his uniform. He gave a scowl at his broken monocle, now dangling useless by its cord after a rock shot through it. No matter, he had five more at home.
"Damage report! Is anypony hurt?" MacApple coughed through the dust.
"My leg!"
Otherwise, there was a series of groans and negatives as everypony got to their hooves. Captain MacApple gave an exasperated sigh of relief that the non-immortal, non-rapid healing ponies were alright, and then proceeded to turn his worried gaze to his princess.
The goddess stood at the epicenter of the blast, still clad in the golden armor, the ground closest to her practically unscathed. Celestia turned to look at MacApple, raising her hoof to take another step far more easily than last time. "You know, it feels that it fits a lot more comfortable now that-"
The princess was interrupted as her chestplate fell from her body and clattered to the floor with a loud 'CLANG'. The noise echoed through the heavy silence that hung over the throne room. Flabbergasted ponies watched on as the armor fell apart around their Celestia, showing her white fur yet again.
Celestia sighed and took the golden helmet off her head, shaking her frizzled hair out of her eyes. She gave a half-hearted kick at a leg-brace before giving at a very shaky Professor Dig Site a hopeful look.
"...you didn't happen to find one of these in an XL, did you?"
***********
Celestia gave the matter carefully thought. "Several centuries of pampering might've done me in." Celestia admitted charily.
Luna pressed her hoof to her face and shook head in disbelief. "Tia..."
"Well, a millennium was a really long time! I thought it didn't matter when I got in shape, so long as I was ready for when Nightmare Moon returned!" Celestia said defensively, her cheeks turning red.
"So thou decided that instead of meeting me in open combat, thou would use the Elements of Harmony against me?"
"Sure… let’s go with that…” A glare from Luna demanded further explanation. “They weren't my first plan due to their... previous history..." Celestia explained with a tinge of regret in her voice, "But yes, that was the route I ended up going for in the end. I had other things in place, just to be safe, of course.”
"So that explains thine absence at the Summer Sun celebration upon my return. Thou was preparing another one these plans had thy student failed."
Celestia laid back, snuggling into her pillow with a silly grin stretched over her lips.
"Well... not exactly," Princess Celestia, matron of Equestria and regent of Sun, said with a giggle. "See, there was this new guard who they just inducted into the ranks, so I was kind of busy with his glazing ritual."
"....surely thou means 'hazing ritual'."
Celestia licked her lips, her cheeks rosy with the memory. "He was like a fresh donut-"
Luna pressed her hooves to her ears, turning her eyes up to the ceiling. "I don't need to hear this! Lalalalalalalalala!"
"- and there were sprinkles everywhere-"
"LALALALALALALALALA!"
"-cream filling right up-"
"IMNOTLISTENINGTOYOUTIA!"
Celestia burst out laughing at her sister's antics, holding her sides to keep her sore body from shaking. She wiped a tear from her eye. She hadn't even gotten to the best part where-
Celestia's stomach rumbled, yowling inside of her.
"Luna..." Celestia said with a sudden seriousness. "I want to go get donuts."
The night princess pulled her hooves from her ears, looking at her sister's face. There was no mirth, no amorous playfulness, or any devilish smile. Only complete earnestness.
"Right now?" Luna asked,
"Yes Luna. Right now."
"Celestia, everywhere is closed."
"I know. I know they're closed, and I know I'm not suppose to have any, but I really really want a donut."
"Then just call one of the servants to go make you one."
Celestia pressed her hooves against the mattress of the bed and sat up, her pink hair blocking her eyes from Luna's view.
"You know that's not going to work."
“Won’t work because of them, or because thou won’t let thyself go about this entire ordeal like a sane pony?”
“…”
“Celestia… thou is torturing thyself for no reason. “
“Luna, I already explained-”
Luna's horn shone brightly for a moment, before something fizzled and sparked into existence in front of the sisters. The blue alicorn caught it before it could fall onto the bed, and held it out to her sister.
"I know I'm NOT suppose to be giving thee this... but I talked with Chef Ram Sea earlier today and we both agreed that this is entire diet is a stupid idea... and thou really looks like thou need this right now."
Celestia's magenta eyes watered at the sight of the object in Luna's hooves.
It was a milkshake.
With shaky hooves, Celestia took the sugary drink from her sister. It was taking every ounce of her willpower to keep from instantly diving in. The sun goddess slowly raised the straw to her lips.
She stopped it only a few centimeters away, and gave a worried look to her sister.
"Luna... I really shouldn't..." Celestia began, but Luna raised a hoof, cutting her off.
"Thou hast worked hard today sister, and thou need the energy. I won't tell anypony if thou don't."
Celestia looked back down at the drink, feeling her heart tighten in her chest. This diet was necessary... she shouldn't... no couldn't stray from it.
'Luna has a point... you need this energy...'
But if any of the servants found out about this, then Feather Duster would find out. And if Feather Duster found out then-
'Nopony is ever going to find out. Luna isn't going to tell anyone...'
Celestia began to count all of the calories in her head this one cup contained. How long would she have to run to work all of them off? How many pounds of fat would this single drink put on her flanks?
'Just one milkshake can't hurt.'
Wasn't it better that she just dealt with this entire thing now? There would be plenty of milkshakes once she was thin again.
'One smooth... icy... sweet milkshake...'
“Thank you Luna…” Celestia whispered, and the smile her sister gave in return melted the sun goddess’s heart.
Celestia felt an overwhelming sense of love and compassion toward her sister. Luna was a savior, a hero, a paragon of all things virtuous. Warmth filled Celestia's chest as she knew that Luna cared, deeply, about her needs. Luna truly was the only one in the whole wide world who truly understood her.
Celestia smiled broadly at the blue alicorn in front of her and took a long draw on the straw.
Best sister ever.
Luna gasped in shock as Celestia spat out a spray of thick green something into her face.
“This is disgusting!” Celestia screamed, rubbing at her tongue. “Uuugh, I can’t get the flavor off of my tongue!” I thought you said that was a milkshake!”
“It is! Head Chef Ram Sea made it himself for thee!” Luna shrieked, magicking a towel in existence to whip off her face.
“What the heck is in it? Vomit?!”
“I believe he said it was broccoli, alfalfa, green peppers, garlic, tomato, cinnamon, carrots, and kale. It’s supposed to be a vegetable milkshake.” Luna recited, thinking back on what the chef had told her. “Why, what’s wrong with it?”
“Oh my god, Luna, it’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted!”
*******
Five minutes ago in the royal kitchens...
Chef Ram Sea gave a critical eye on the target infront of him. The sheep's beady eyes were narrowed at his prey. The briefly flickered to the motionless doors of the kitchen, as if daring them to open, before returning their solemn vigil.
Behind the Head Chef stood the entire staff of the Royal Kitchen, patiently standing at attention. More than one pony had their breath held as the seconds slowly ticked by. Even at this late hour, they dared no step away for one moment. Cooking utensils were kept close at hoof. Stoves remained lit. They were chefs, and as chefs they would be ready for anything-
The minute hand leapt forward. It was 10:00 PM.
Chef Ram Sea smiled and took off his poufy hat. "Alright lads. Time tae wrap it up fur th' night."
There was a collective breathe of relief from all in the kitchens. The Royal Kitchens were finally closed for the night, and would be maintained by a small night crew until morning. It was time to go home. Amiable chatter began to pick up amongst the chefs as ingredients were carefully stored away, and the royal pantries secured.
One by one, ponies of all ages and genders made their way for the swinging doors of the kitchen. The closest, an orange filly by the name of Pumpkin Spice, reached out her hoof to open them.
"Hauld on a minute. Ah have somethin' important Ah need tae tell ye all." Pumpkin squeezed her eyes shut and groaned inwardly to herself. Freedom was so close... maybe if she was quick she could sneak out...
Pumpkin turned around and trotted back to Chef Ram Sea with a spring in her step. Self-preservation had won over freedom. She had no desire to be made into a pie today.
Chef Ram Sea gave each of the cooks gathered around him a good long look over. It was time to break the news...
"Tae begin wi', a couple of annooncements." the sheep said as he produced a notepad from somewhere on his wooly body. He flipped it open with a cloven hoof, and peered closely.
"First on mah list, Ah'd like tae wish a canty birthday tae our own French Loaf from th’ pâtissier department-"
Congratulations and well wishes sprung up directed to the young stallion, who smiled as the Chef acknowledged him.
"-yes, congratulations. you're anither year closer tae bein' gart intae glue, laddie." Ram Sea muttered as he turned a page. "Ah'd also like tae warn ye in advanced 'at due tae time constraints, our weekly disco competition thes Friday will hae tae be canceled-"
This elicited a series of silent groans and disappointed looks from the surrounding ponies, and Pumpkin Spice swore under her breath. She had been looking forward to that.
"-keep yer hooves on, ye stoatin buck toothed crybabies. There's aye next week... nae 'at Ah'd expect onie ay ye tae actually win against me." Ram Sea leered good naturedly. He flipped to another page in the notebook as the cooks chuckled amongst themselves. Chef Ram Sea was a chef who boasted almost godlike skills in the kitchen... the same could not be said for his dancing skills.
""Och aye... 'at…" Chef Ram Sea trailed off as he read the final bit in his notebook. He sighed and gently closed it, placing the book back inside of his wool. " Let's gie somethin' straight lads an' lasses. Ah’m nae guid at speeches sae I'll cut straight tae th' point. You're all aware ay 'at Operation Drop has gone intae motion, an' until Princess Celestia gi'es us th' green light-" here Chef Ram Sea shot a glare to the ceiling lights, as though daring them to go off again, "-Its your duty tae ensure that she is fed nutritional meals tae help encoorage 'er weight loss. Ah won’t bairn ye, thes isn’t gonnae be easy as bakin' a cake. 'at princess is a wily a body, sae we also ‘ave tae make sure SHE DISNAE ENTER THIS KITCHEN!" the sheep roared.
Some of the ponies closest to him took a few nervous steps back, if but o put distance between themselves and the chef's indirect anger.
"You're all guid cooks, coz if ye werenae, Ah wooldnae be standin' here discussin' wi' ye!" Ram Sea hollered. He swung his hoof out, hitting a series of pots and pans to the floor in the process. "You’re th' best ay th' best, an' that’s wa we can’t screw up! A single wayward pastry, one accidental scoop ay ice cream an' BAM! We're back tae squaur buckin' one an' we hae tae start thes ancestor's damned process all over again!”
One off the pony cooks tentatively raised his hoof.
“Yes laddie, speak up now. Ah’m nae gonnae chew yer head aff, ye stoatin lug.”
“Forgive me for being ignorant on this matter, Head Chef!” the pony quickly said, in an attempt to calm the Chef’s wrath before it came crashing down. “But how can we possibly keep Princess Celestia out of the kitchens?”
“It’s nae a bad question laddie. Th' guard has posted roon th' clock watches ootside th' doors ay th' kitchens, an' we’re gonnae keep a tight lock an' key on th' larder. Nopony goes in an' out 'at we don’t know an' teel me, Pumpkin Spice, am Ah borin' ye?”
Pumpkin Spice gave a small jump as her name was called and tried to look as though she had been following along. The truth was, she had been in her own thoughts since Ram Sea started talking, eagerly just looking forward to going home for the night.
“N-no Head Chef!” Pumpkin stammered out under Chef Ram Sea’s glare.
“Oh, good 'en. Well, Ah suppose ye can tell ay th' class th' answer tae thes question then: a patron orders a HLT piece, but th' kitchen is out ay hay. Whit dae ye dae, lassie?” Ram Sea asked icily.
‘Shit, I don’t know! I work the garde manger!’
“Umm…. Politely let the patron know the kitchen is out of hay, and perhaps substitute the hay for Munster cheese?” Pumpkin Spice guessed, her heart pounding against her chest.
Ram Sea smiled. “That’s th’ correct answer...”
Pumpkin felt relief wash over her, her legs threatening to buckle and collapse on the floor.
“…if ye worked at buckin’ Burger Queen!”
Pumpkin felt the blood drain from her face. Ponies around her quietly edged away, leaving the orange filly the face the Chef by herself.
There was a brief flash of blue magic from behind Chef Ram Sea as a tall cup vanished from existence on his station. The cooks in the kitchen knew that glow from anywhere: Princess Luna’s magic.
“So that’s yer solution tae everythin' is it? Drench everythin' in yer fancy magical cheese?” he asked nastily, his words as sharp as a ginsu knife. “It’s 'at sort ay fast-food grease mongerin' mind-set 'at got us in thes situation! Ponies like ye don’t deserve tae be called a royal chef!”
“I-I-I’m sorry!” Pumpkin spluttered, an impressive feet in itself with a wolf in sheep’s wool only feet away.
“I don’t buckin' care if you’re sorry or th' Bludy queen ay Sri Llama! It takes a refined palate tae nae fall for th' hoddin tricks of cheese!” Ram Sea poked a hoof at her chest. “We need tae focus on health now, or we’ll ne'er make true gourmet meals again for 'er highness! Ah don’t care if ye hae tae beg, borraw, steal, or kill, ye will fin' some buckin' hay an' put it oan 'at sand… wich?” Chef Ram Sea trailed off slowly.
Something was wrong.
His eyes grew wide.
Something was very wrong.
The sheep suddenly fell back on his rear, his hooves pressed over his heart. A look of shock passed across his wooly face, and his jaw moved up and down silently, gaping silently. Ponies worriedly rushed to his side.
“What’s wrong?”
“Someone call an ambulance!”
“Are you alright?”
Ram Sea angrily pushed them away from him, nonchalantly brushing a stray tear out of his eye as he did so. “Git out ay here! I’m braw ye thin-flanked ponies! That’s all for th' night. Go’en home, an' Ah better see ye here bright an' early…”
Copper Kettle watched the other cooks file out of the kitchen for the night from the corner of the kitchen of the kitchen. He sighed and dropped another peeled potatoe into the bucket next to him.
“What do you think that was all about?” he asked his companion.
“Mim furbalence.” Whisk muttered, trying to focus on finishing their nightly punishment as soon as possible.
“What was that?”
Whisk spat the paperclip out of his mouth and put his potato down. “Ptoooie. I sense a disturbance in the force. And you know what that means…”
“….paid vacations?”
“Boy, I wish…”
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Kewl
Second paragraph in of the actual story and I already love it.
"There were so many stars. Lna knew them all by name, and had crafted each and everyone of them by hand."
Lyra got to Luna!
...
This is awesome, I wish I could just time warp to the next chapter.
fantastic
"Well, that’s a Slice of Life for yeah."
encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSkGEc0yh033kUsNwHeUjwv0DpKurXVhtY9CDlAQmsvY0jmGP3j
You are such a troll.... :3
Did he give himself a small heart attack? 0_o
ram sea makes a good demo man
excellent chapter
Can't wait for more. Oh, and I found an "off" that should be "of", I think... Buck me, now I can't find it... I know its in there somewhere. I'll let you know if I find it again...
Yeah, Ram Sea is definitely channeling everyone's favorite black, scottish, cyclopean explosives expert.
OOH! I got it! He felt Princess Celestia calling the milkshake the most disgusting thing she'd ever tasted!
Nice.
Now go make more.
"The red giant turned his head to look at the princess on his back as he lumbered down the hallway. “Baby Princess should stop whining. Schwarzwäl derknows Princess is stronger than this.”" - Ya dun goofed.
“Bah. Those fish gave Princess live bites. Fish find Princess very attractive." - Sounds like it should be "love" bites.
"Some of the ponies closest to him took a few nervous steps back, if but o put distance between themselves and the chef's indirect anger." - "To," maybe?
All in all, another funny chapter. Keep up the good work!
Oxtria the only place on the planet where even the wheat can kill you. I'd love to see how their tourist board tries to get visitors to come to their country.
is it wrong that i want to hear about the Scroll just as much as celestia's torturous diet?
I sense a disturbance in the force
so many lols...
Ram Sea is best sheep...
Haha Loved it
"It was as though millions of voices all cried out at once, and then were silenced..."
Schwarzwälder. Slayer of manticores and writer of poetry. Every huge lumbering muscle-head that speaks in the third person HAS to have a mushy secret hobby.
Ram Sea! I love him.
Am I the only one that heard the voice from Spongebob at the "My leg" line?
I know hazing rituals can be anything,perverted or otherwise, but a glazing ritual only sounds dirty.
Yay
that "milkshake:..
The horror.
THE HORROR! 
Celestia is going to go kill them all! 
351839 Oh, sorry that was me.
for the love of her give that mare a cookie for pities sake.
Luna's a total badass
The force is stroooong wit yooouuuu, young jedi.
Nasty milkshake?
I sense a disturbance in the farce.
352180
Nope. First thing I though as well.
351454
i185.photobucket.com/albums/x193/DaedHead8/demoman.jpg
352180 Nope, I heard it too
Hmm.
Awesome, awesome awesome awesome. Awesome.
Ridiculous, stupid, and oh so amusing! Keep it up.
I don't think that Celestia is THAT out of shape though...
You know, Luna being so much (physically) stronger than Celestia makes a LOT of sense! To an immortal alicorn like Luna, 1000 years on the moon is like 20 years in prison. And what do people do in prison? Work out and get fit. Prisoners literally have nothing else to do with their time, so that's what some do.
This cements Luna as badass pony.
Poor Celestia. I still loved that bit with the armor, though, as painful as it was to read about.
Excellent stuff, man! Please keep writing!
I've noticed some people have pointed out the errors in the otherwise great chapter, and just wanted to explain:
Despite Scroll's...erm, flattering praise, none of the editing I did made it to this chapter. I only had a few hours to read and reread through everything last night and by the time I was done (took me about two hours because I suck), it was very late at night and Scroll had posted earlier so to get a chapter out for you guys after the long wait. Plus, as far as I know, John Perry only had a little bit of time to do any editing, so things here are a bit rough.
We're sorry for that D: At least people still enjoyed it ^^
351616
That's easy, actually: by playing up how tough the place supposedly is.
"Oxtria. Only for real ponies."
353079
I already told you I'm doing your edits later today. So we had a bit of a rough release, no biggie.
A demoman in a sheeps wool.
351397
I have never laughed so hard at a comment
Another great chapter!!
Glazing ritual lol
Whisk must be a jedi! I'm sensing these out of context or computerception bits of story are going to have their own story arch. That would be so cool.
I hope things will be going better for you soon.
oh yeah, I liked this chapter a lot!
353613
No, I thought about that guy too.
I know how that feels Ram Sea *pats on the back*
That Meet the Demoman Reference... +1 approve.
Is it bad that I don't see the most horrible milkshake as such a bad combo? I would at least try one...
...and I imagine I'd regret it much later, but I'd give anything a try
354893
Take it from me, it's actually pretty good once you get used to the taste. Course, there isnt alfalfa in it. But everything else is a legit part of the drink. Insane amount of vitamins and anti-oxidants in it apparently.
353613
....what.... what is that?
Your trolling me.... TELL me that's photoshopped or something.... my god the plot ideas....
Too much lols.
And that steroid pegasus is from "Hurricane Fluttershy" episode clip.
355396
I'm curious where that's from as well . . .
Nglll nagl puny princess not beefy
355396 LOL it's from the Hurricane Fluttershy preview clip. It's not photoshopped.
"Thine time" should be "thy time".
"Thank thee" may or may not be correct -- I'm not sure how the dialect handles implied subjects -- but if you have any doubt, "I thank thee" would work regardless.
"How could thou not?" should use "couldst". And so on when using "thou" over her next several lines. A notable exception to the usual -st/-est rule is "Thou was" becomes "thou wert", and "thou is" becomes "thou art".
And you realize if you ever make a sequel, fans will probably be disappointed if it doesn't boil down to "Chef Ram Sea rants incoherently for five chapters." Because really, he's pretty much the best OC ever.