Chapter 4
Celestia stared down coldly at the monstrosity before her. It was impossible to tell where the paper ended and the pony began. Convulted flesh gave way to thin parchment, both torn and ripped where her horn and magic had gouged it. Crimson blood and black ink seeped from these cut to pool around her, turning was what loose pages that remained around him into soggy squares.
The goddess stared down with no love for the creature before it. Its very existence insulted her and all of pony kind. It had the audacity to take another's form, but couldn't even get that right. Half of its face was that of a pony, while the other have was merely page after page, carefully folded and molded to resemble the shape of a pony. Most of its mane still remained as countless sheets of prisitne white paper, marred only by the black calligraphy of a pony's handwriting.The mistake stared up with an almost pleading look, the golden glow of the beads that were its eyes slowly dimming.
Luna's handwriting.
It smiled up at her, a bubble of dark fluid forming at the corner of it's lips. Celestia wasn't sure if it was blood or ink anymore.
"So ThIs Is HoW i EnD?" the half pony asked softly. Its voice held no solid tone for more than a fraction of a few seconds. It Celestia met it eyes, her own red and sore. Her cheeks were damp, but at long last, there was no more tears to give.
Celestia's hoof came down onto one of the creature's soggy limbs. She ground it against the stone, shredding it into pulp. The monstrosity never once screamed or even made a noise. It couldn't feel. It wasn't real.
"You will suffer greatly for your crimes tonight." Celestia whispered. The creature stared at her for a few silent moments.
Then it laughed.
Celestia wanted to rip its throat out, but she didn't think that would even stop it.
"ThEn MaKe Me SufFeR. bUt KnOw ThAt ThOsE wHo SlUmBeR wIlL rEmAiN eVeR mOrE..."
Celestia looked to her throne, where Twilight and her friends lay curled up around it, smiled adorning their faces. Their chests rose gently and evenly with each breath. Their eyes refused to open. Luna lay near by them, in a similar state. The Scroll had fought unto its end to protect her from Celestia.
"ThEy ArE sAfE... aNd HaPpY iN... tHeIr DrEaMs AnD fAnTaSiEs..." the Scroll gurgled. It was beginning to choke on its own blood. "I wIlL pRoTeCt ThEm ThErE... uNtIl tHe NeXt Dawn Of TiMe...
ahsjfsldfjdjjhejekaknjejfuueueeajksjbjkrkjekjaljjljlldnmnmdHAHAH! I have control again!
WOW! I am so unbeleivably sorry about that. My computer, which as you all know, has been on the fritz, forcing me to rewrite this chapter, seems to be attempting to hijack my computer. Once again, we apologize for this non-Slice of Life piece of fiction.
Thanks once again goes out to the awesomeness that is John Perry for editing this trainwreck. As a thankyou to him, why don't you all pop over and check out his stories? Seriously, he's a better writer than me.
Without further ado, we now return you to your regularly scheduled pony fanfiction...
“PULL!”
Celestia winced as the noise reverberated across the mountainside like a cannon shot. With butterflies floating in her stomach, she glanced upwards at the mountain peak which still loomed miles above her. It would be a miracle if today didn’t end with a landslide. With the way the ancestors had been treating her thus far, she highly doubted that things were in her favor.
“What are you waiting for?”
Celestia looked behind and gave a resigned stare at the pony behind her. “Mmpgh if best?”
“Schwarzwälder no understand fatty pony!”
Celestia’s spat out the wooden bit that had been shoved into her mouth, and took a moment to extract a stray splinter from her tongue. “Can I take a rest?”
The red stallion gave a disappointed grunt. “Hn. Now? When still have a quarter of the path to go?”
“Just… a few… minutes?” Celestia panted, her haunches slick with sweat.
Schwarzwälder grumbled but climbed off of the massive cube of cinderblocks he had been sitting on and walked over to the white alicorn. With all the delicacy of coarse sandpaper, he helped her out of the bridle she was attached to that had connected her to the building supplies. “Fine. Princess may take five minute break. Then we go back to path.”
Celestia took a deep breath and promptly collapsed onto the dirt path, his white limbs sprawled outwards. Her magic fumbled for the small canteen of water at her side, lifting the flimsy container to her lips. She took a sip of the life-giving water and was sorely disappointed at how little of it remained. It gave her just enough strength to lift her head up and stare into the sunset
.
Not her sunset. The sunset. Celestia suddenly found herself far too busy to lower the sun herself, completely preoccupied with other things.
Like dragging over a ton of cinderblocks up a mountain
.
She made note to send her court wizards a basket of muffins.
The goddess inwardly wondered to herself when her world had gone to the Diamond Dogs. Not just by being a princess and dealing with snooty nobles and foreign affairs, but what exactly was the fatal touch that had collapsed the whole house of cards? What indulgence was it that had done her in? Had it been the triple scoop of raspberry and chocolate ice-cream last Tuesday? That bucket of caramel covered popcorn at the opera the week before?
Had it been the second layer of chocolate syrup on that guard last night? Celestia was going to kill herself if it had been that.
Celestia growled to herself, feeling her face grow hot at the very thought. That couldn’t have been it, could it? Celestia silently bit her lip, the taste of bitter iron spreading across her tongue. If it was, she would find someway to travel back in time and slap that sugar-addicted succubus into oblivion and then stick her hoof right up her-
A mound of navy fur let out a tiny snore from where she was curled up on the mound of cinderblocks and shifted in her sleep, burying her face further into her forelegs. The white alicorn spared a small smile for her sister, purely because it took fewer muscles to smile than it did to frown. Or snarl threateningly. With every muscle in her body feeling like somepony had injected sulfuric acid into them, she felt it was best to exert herself as little as possible.
Of course Luna had to opt for the “free” ride up this lovely scenic mountain path, happily adding her own generous weight to Schwarzwälder’s iron bulk. After all, who wouldn’t want an all deluxe, bonefie princess-drawn carriage made entirely of cement?
Only recently had the night goddess fallen asleep, tuckered out after staying up for hours after her usual time. Celestia narrowed her eyes at the adorable filly. A lesser pony would have thought of nothing other than the aura of innocence the night goddess radiated. But Celestia knew that beneath that cherubim exterior was a mind that even now was filled with nothing but evil.
A butterfly gently settled on Luna’s nose. The night goddess’s nose twitched in her sleep, and let out a tiny sneeze. The butterfly calmly flew off, only to flutter around and resettle again onto of Luna’s hair.
PURE EVIL!
“Break over,” Schwarzwälder shouted, tossing the bridle back to the goddess. “Hold this rope and PULL PRINCESS PULL!”
Celestia sighed and with a great reluctance, slipped her royal head back into the bridle and chomped down onto the wooden bit. With her feet feeling like lead, Celestia’s shoulders fell hard with each step, her haunches burning from the pressure. She could dimly hear Schwarzwälder pushing her onwards behind her with brief interruptions of Luna’s snores. Celestia lifted her head up, swallowing the thin mountain air, and cast her mind back to how this insanity started.
*****
Earlier that day…
“…and one and two and one and two.” recited the trainer, a green filly with a light yellow mane as she squatted in place. “Bend those knees, fillies!”
The small army of elderly mares sluggishly picked up their paces, snippets of gossip moving among the crowd as they mimicked their instructor. A few other fillies jogged on some of the tred mills, and nopony was even touching the weights save for one mare who looked suspiciously like a stallion in drag.
With a grace that could only be achieved by thousands of repetitions, Slender Flank blew a bubble of gum. She settled more into her seat at the receptionist counter. The filly gave a brief glance around the gym.
Slender Flank hated to admit it, but it was a slow day. Heck, it had been a slow week. The number of ponies who showed up the gym anymore, let alone those who had purchased membership, had been steadily declining these last few years.
The pony had inherited the all mares gym from her parents when they finally decided to opt for retirement after almost thirty years of business. It was less of an ‘all mares gym’ now and more of a ‘please, somepony just walk through the door’ gym, since Slender had decided to open membership to both genders to attract more customers. Business had never been incredible, but it seemed less and less mares seemed to care about actually working out so much as they were counting the calories in their hay. As she watched the drag pony bench press half of his… her… its own weight, Slender began to truly consider scrapping the entire thing and selling the Haunches gym.
“Alright ladies, let’s begin bending exercises. Chin to your hooves.” said the trainer. The filly gracefully bent her back, managing to touch her chin to the tip of her hooves.
Slender winced as an audible ‘POP’ echoed throughout the gym. It wasn’t her gum, that was for sure.
“Consarnit, Mah hip’s done an’ gone out again!” Granny Smith cried, pressing a hoof to her back.
Slender’s eye twitched as another chorus of ‘POP’s joined the first. Once again, it wasn’t her gum.
She would have to have yet another conversation with Brisk Jog. Slender gave a sigh, increasing the size of the pink bubble attached to her lips, and turned a page in her Cosmarepolitan magazine.
No… she didn’t need to have a talk… she needed a miracle…
‘Ding-aling’ chimed the doorbell as someone stepped into the gym. As if on cue, Slender discreetly popped her bubble of gum and sat up in her seat. Slender put on her biggest smile and looked up at the newest person. “Welcome to the Haunches Gym, where we’re guaranteed you make you the leanest, meanest and most perfectly sculpted pony you can be- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” Slender screamed. She angrily got out of her seat, staring daggers at the giant red pony who barely managed to fit through the doorframe, his bulk completely obscuring it.
“Schwarzwälder is here to make ponies the leanest, meanest and most perfectly sculpted ponies they can be.”
Slender gave an angry growl and got walked right up to Schwarzwälder, poking him in the chest with her hoof. It was like an ant trying to punch a boulder. “I told you to get out and never show your face here again and I meant it! Get out of here!”
“Schwarzwälder is here for his old job back.”
Slender could only gawk at him, words failing her. Was he serious?
Yes… yes he was. Schwarzwälder probably didn’t have enough brain cells to be anything but serious.
Slender Flank furiously shook her head, tossing her lemon hair back and forth. “Absolutely not! Especially not after what happened last time!”
“It is not Schwarzwälder’s fault old pony’s limbs were made of tissue paper.”’
“I’m still paying his hospital bills! That pony was lucky that they were able to reattach his lower half correctly!”
“Old pony will be fine.”
“He has to drink his food through a straw!”
“Liquid diet give more nutrients to scrawny frame. He have skin of iron next time.”
“Don’t even get me started on all of the sexual harassment!”
“…”
“…”
“….Schwarzwälder is not apologizing for that.” the red giant grumbled, pushing past the tiny filly before him.
“I mean it! Don’t make me call the guard!” Schwarzwälder ignored her, and instead began rummaging around stacks of metal plates used for weight training. “What are you doing!”
“Excuse me. Is everything alright my little pony?” asked the graceful voice behind Slender.
“No, everything is not alright! I-I-I yai yai…” Slender Flank trailed off, her eyes becoming the size of dinner plates as she turned around. She had been so focused on Schwarzwälder she completely failed to notice (That pony was huge for ancestors’ sake!) the ponies that had come in with him. Immediately, Slender caught herself and knelt before non other than Princess Luna herself.
No, not only Princess Luna. Princess Celestia was here too. The princess looked as though she belonged in an eighties workout film.
“Your highness! W-what are you doing here?”
Princess Celestia didn’t exactly seemed thrilled at the situation she was in. “My sister and I would like to join your gym.” Celestia mumbled.
Slender’s mood perked up considerably, and the filly tried very hard to keep her face from spreading into a grin.
“Of…. Of course your majesty! For how… how long?”
“Just for about a month-“ Luna nudged her sister with her elbow. “-Two months-“ Another elbow in the ribs. “Three months! I’d like a three month membership here!” Celestia balked, sending a glare at her sister. Luna had a proud and smug look stretched out across her face as Celestia gingerly rubbed her ribs.
“SQUEE!”
Both sisters looked back to see a massive smile stretch across Slender Flank’s face, threatening to encompass her entire face. The filly seemed on the verge of exploding with happiness. “Of course! Anything at all, your highness! Here at Haunches we boast the newest and most fitness equipment to offer you a workout regiment suited to your own special needs. We also have a wide selection of trainers who are always happy to work hoof-on with you-“
Luna gently interrupted Slender. “Schwarzwälder is going to by my sister’s trainer.”
Slender Flank’s brain decided at that point and time to go on holiday. “What?”
Luna smiled eagerly and waved a hoof towards Schwarzwälder, who was busy trying to straighten a barbell he had
accidentally stepped on. “Is he not magnificent! He has been hoof picked to help my sister bulk up!”
A cautious smile flitted across Slender’s face. “I’m… sorry, your highness. But I’m afraid Schwarzwälder no longer works here,” the filly said, her eyes glancing at the stallion who was now proceeding to bash the dumbbell against the wall. “But we have trainers just as qualified! Brisk Jog does a wonderful job! I’ll even train personally to ensure you get the best possible treatment here!” she quickly added.
“Nevertheless, it is Schwarzwälder we would like to work with. We can assure you, bits are not an issue.”
“I…” Slender gently chewed on her lip. This was a bad idea. “Alright. He can stay. Feel free to use any of our facilities… or any of our other trainers while you are here, your majesties.”
Luna thanked the filly and turned back to her sister. Celestia was staring morosely at the front cover of the Cosmarepolitan magazine on Slender Flank’s desk. Such beautiful ponies…
Her hoof gently touched her stomach. There was no doubt she could pinch more than just an inch.
Such thin ponies…
“We’re all set to go!”
Celestia looked up at her sister. The alicorn was trying to eagerly nudge her to the set of weights that Schwarzwälder had accumulated.
“Luna… I’m not sure about this…” Celestia whispered quietly. Luna gave a confused look at her sister.
“Why not ?”
Celestia nervously pawed at floor. “It’s… it’s Schwarzwälder,” Celestia lied, “Doesn’t he seem… off to you?”
Luna looked at beefy pony whose mane practically scraped the ceiling of the gym. “He seems a finer specimen than any of the ponies thou hast protecting us.”
“Normal ponies aren’t that big! He’s massive! That can’t be normal!”
“Thou surprises me sister.” Luna said softly. “Thou used to admire such stallions, who would sit with us in our feasting hall all those years ago. Those same warriors who would boast of having fought a manticore single hoofed, and then warm thine bed-“
“Alright, alright!” Celestia said quickly, a blush coming to her cheeks. “It’s just… something just doesn’t seem right about him. There’s no way he got that big without steroids.”
Luna gave a quizzical look. “Steroids?”
“I’m saying he has fake muscles.”
“Look, there is nothing wrong here. I’ll show thee.” Luna whispered to her sister. She tapped the trainer on the shoulder.
“Mr. Schwarzwälder?”
“Ya?” The beefy stallion rumbled, as he glanced back to look at her. There was a clink as he slid another disk of iron onto the bar. Celestia gave a whimper as she watched Schwarzwälder add more and more weight. The wooden floor beneath the dumbbell was beginning to sag downwards from the accumulated disks, but the trainer took no notice of this.
“What exactly is thy duties here at the gym?” Luna asked politely.
Schwarzwälder’s face stretched into a rather hair-raising smile, his pinprick like eyes fixated on the little moon goddess. Celestia suddenly felt a great urgency to grab her sister and get the buck out of there.
“Schwarzwälder lifts things up and Schwarzwälder puts them down.”
Luna frowned in confusion and titled her head. “Surely that is not all thou does here.”
“Schwarzwälder lift things up and Schwarzwälder put them down.” Schwarzwälder replied again, before turning fully around to face the royal sisters. What looked like a thick pillar of metal lay horizontally on the ground before him, almost as thick as Celestia was tall. He bent down on a knee and placed his great head underneath what remained visible of the barbell bar, letting the hoof long opening it slip over his neck.
Celestia looked on in disbelief. “There’s no possible-“
With a mighty guttural roar, the red giant’s entire body bent back up, taking the mass of weight with it. Veins stuck out like ropes alongside Schwarzwälder’s neck as the barbell settled evenly on the stallion’s mighty shoulders. His tiny eyes now practically bugged out of their sockets, looking ready to pop out any moment now.
“….way.” Celestia finished weakly. She suddenly found herself unable to properly realign her jaw, which seemed to have detached itself from its socket and now hung limply. Luna, on the other hand, beamed at the pony, her eyes shining in admiration at the herculean feat of strength.
Schwarzwälder nodded in approval at the weight, rolling in shoulders. The red giant bent and straightened his knees a few times, lifting the load with him. “This is good.” Schwarzwälder said. He then looked dead at Celestia. “Catch.”
Catch? What did he mean by-
Celestia’s eyes widened in horrified realization. The goddess desperately tried to backpedal away from the trainer. “Nonono no No!”
For the second time that day, Celestia’s life flashed before her eyes. Once again, she was sorely disappointed.
Her diet didn’t allow buttery popcorn.
Schwarzwälder bucked the dumbbell of off his back and into the air. With a precision that should have been impossible, it soared through the air with the fatality of a nuclear war head to land squarely onto Celestia’s back as she tried to scramble away.
Pain.
Celestia was no stranger to pain. More than once she had fought in the front lines alongside her little ponies. More than once she had thrown herself carelessly infront of dangers of horrific nature to protect her subjects from them. She had bled as was flesh maimed by griffon claw. She had endured as entire body scorched and burned by dragon fire. Once she even had her horn snapped off. And she had persevered, night after night, from hours and hours of paperwork.
She had many words on the sacrifices she made for her little ponies…
…but for this? Well, only one word would suffice.
“OhmygodthisthingiskillingmeIwanttodiepleasesomeponykillmenow.”
Celestia’s legs quivered, turning into jelly as the edges of the world around her went dark. It felt as though somepony had fused her spine together into a toothpick, and then had proceeded to smash said toothpick with a mallet. The floor groaned beneath her as it had with Schwarzwälder. Her brittle glass legs wanted so desperately to give out, but found themselves unable too, locked in place by the weight.
“Mmm, good. Princess can lift weight. Not too soft.” Schwarzwälder nodded in approval. He then bent down and pressed his face close to Celestia’s. The goddess’s stomach churned, struggling to keep her lunch down. The giant was an overwhelming combination of sweat and body odor. "I am going to PUMP YOU UP! Fatty princess shall have MUSCLES on her muscles.” Schwarzwälder shouted, his voice blowing back Celestia’s ethereal hair.
He reared back into his back hooves and struck a pose, his forehoof pointed to the ceiling. Schwarzwälder’s entire body seemed to double in size as the pony flexed every muscle in his body. Celestia’s could’ve sworn having triceps that big were unhealthy. “Lift those fifty times for warm up. We move onto cardio workout afterwards. Soon, Princess will have muscles like Schwarzwälder!”
“F-fu-fifty?!” Celestia groaned through braced teeth. She sent a pleading look to her sister. Equestria be damned. Just a flare of Luna’s magic and the sweet embrace of death would be hers at last.
Luna caught Celestia’s look and gave the briefest of smiles before a scowl of disapproval crossed Luna’s face. With all the weight of the night itself, the goddess approached the trainer.
“Schwarzwälder, this is absolutely ridiculous! How can you possibly think this is any sort of satisfactory warm-up?” Luna protested for her sister, stamping a hoof down.
Schwarzwälder raised an eyebrow at his sovereign. “Explain. Schwarzwälder do not follow.”
Celestia gave an involuntary shudder her lower body slowly began to grow numb to everything. She just to last another minute, nay, just another few seconds. Luna would be able to speak up for her. Luna was going to chew out the trainer and he’d make her do something a little more sane! Luna was-
“The weights are far too light!” Luna exclaimed, pointing a hoof at the mass of iron on her sister’s back. “Look at her! This is naught but a walk through the park for a pony who raises the sun each day. Surely you have something heavier at hand to put her royal limbs to work?”
--Luna was going to throw her sister under the bus.
The alicorn could almost hear the squeak of the hamster wheel in Schwarzwälder’s brain as the trainer Schwarzwälder stroked his boulder of a chin with his hoof, pondering this idea. Celestia’s look of hurt betrayal to Luna was returned with one of innocent confusion.
Celestia’s brain made a note to herself that if she survived this, she was going to have to find a new sister.
“Night Princess has point.” The trainer pony exclaimed suddenly, his voice booming throughout the gym. “Schwarzwälder has new idea! Better idea! Schwarzwälder will double, no, triple the weights! This will help get fatty princess back in shape three times as fast!”
…on second thought, scratch that prior note about finding a new sister. There was no bucking way Celestia was going to survive this.
Luna excitedly raised a hoof. “Oh oh! I have an idea! What if after this she adds a thousand pushups and a thousand sit ups to the warm up?”
That was it. Luna was getting written out of the will.
“Yes! But this is not workout for puny pony. This is workout for goddess. Two thousand pushup and sit ups!”
‘My wardrobe of gala dresses and evening gowns will go to Fleur De Lise. Sure, the nobility would flip their lids at the mere thought of a born commoner wearing the cloth of royalty, so I’m hoping they all have simultaneous strokes and better the gene pool when she actually does. They can go suck salt for all I care.’
“For her cardio she should run on hot coals! It will be like being in a sauna and a taking a run!”
‘-and I’d like to leave the contents of my private library to my beloved student, Twilight Sparkle. I sincerely hopes she enjoys and puts to use the things she’ll learn in my Cosmarepiltan collection and trashy romance novels…’
“When Princess is all done she can take a cool down swim of three miles upriver. Schwarzwälder knows butcher who will supply the steaks and piranha.”
‘-I’d also like for her to have my personal toy collection for her own pleasure. I have no idea where she’s going to find housing for the royal guard, but I’m sure that massive tree can house more than a few.’
“How does that sound sister? Soon, you’ll look just like you were years ago.” Luna asked her sister, with a wide smile, only for it to vanish in surprise at her sister’s appearance. Celestia’s limbs were juddering, her eyes vacant of anything but the strained expression of anguish stretched out across her ashen-hued face. “Sister, are you alright?”
This seemed to snap Celestia out of her daze and she feebly looked up at her Luna. Water began to collect at the corners of the sun goddess’s eyes. “I’m-“
“No time for chit-chat!” Schwarzwälder boomed from the other side of the gym. Several other ponies covered their ear from the deafening shout. “Start lifting. Schwarzwälder find heavier weights for fatty princess.”
Luna sighed and brushed a limp strand of hair out of her sister’s eyes. “Come now sister. You can do this.”
Celestia gave a timid nod. Time to meet the reaper.
With every fiber of power in her divine body, Equestria’s goddess of the sun attempted to stand back up.
Apparently, some things were impossible for even a goddess.
Celestia back muscles screamed themselves into an oblivion of pain as her spine struggled to lift the weight of the dumbbell. The wood flooring groaned beneath her as she braced her hooves for purchase against the crushing gravity that was working against her. It was bending downwards at a dangerous angle, and several ponies working out around
them were backing away. Celestia’s eyes felt as though they were ready to shoot out of her skull like ping-pong balls.
“Just a little more Tia! Thou art almost a quarter, nay, a third of the way there!”
By sheer divine providence (Luna’s cheering wasn’t helping at all), Celestia was able to lift the weight centimeter by centimeter, until finally she found herself back in the standing position from early, the dumbbell at the height of it’s ascent.
“One…” Celestia counted, her legs as shaky as ever. A bead of sweat rolled down the goddess’s white fur to her chin. Celestia’s eyes tracked it as gravity once more decided to flip her the middle finger, and the drop fell to the floor, splattering against the wooden panels.
There was a sudden groan of stressed sound and a rapid series of cracks as wooden began to snap. The sun goddess looked down at spider web of cracks which formed themselves in the floor underneath Celestia. The groaning grew louder.
Celestia looked back up at Luna. “Oh buck me in the-“
The floor suddenly gave way underneath the goddess, the wooden paneling shattering completely and dropping the princess into what Luna could only assume was the basement. The night princess winced as she heard the dumbbell hit something that sounded very… white…
Luna dashed over to the hole and stuck her head in, trying to see if her sister had survived. “Sister! Is thou alright?”
Schwarzwälder came back with a new series of weights stacked onto his back. He merely stared in silence for a few moments at the chasm that had appeared in the middle of the gym, before pressing a hoof to his face.
“Fatty Princess is truly is a tubby pony…”
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First!
...your computer is attempting to hijack itself
OMG that is the funnist thing i have read
Oh my Faust this is incredible
This chapter is full on evil, well done.
Fuck that was hilarious, lol'ed during the entire thing baring the beginning.
"“The weights are far too light!" I lost it right there.
Fimfiction's funniest chapter... period.
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/132894411399.gif
Yeah it was almost worth waiting. Schwarzwälder is dumb as expected.
Extra heated sauna and some energy drink with -25C winter outside is the best combination ever, celestia should try that.
This guy is just too much! I already thought Celestia is going to die when he did what he did. THERE IS NO WAY she swam in the river, did those push ups and pull ups, lifted this thing 50 times and Then was able to begin that trek to mountain-top!
oh my god amazing! you really is fatty pony
288325 Exactly what I was thinking, holy crap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uIVkhtU1Ls#t=64s Ahaha...
Toy collection --> Royal Guard
This is the funniest shit I have read In forever. Keep it up!
Oh good gravy, you even did the muscles on your muscles skit...
Also, perverted princess for the win with that will?
I quite honestly would pay to see Twilight's reaction should that have come to pass. "She gave me WHAT with her library?!"
Love this fic! But one question...
Celestia, Y U No use magic!?
My... god...it's full of win.
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lir08sorfE1qaglflo1_500.gif
Schwarzwälder is awesome and boss. I love the part where Celestia is writing out her will in her mind.
This one didn't do it for me. While I enjoyed the few new jokes, for the most part it just felt like it was going over the same lines over and over again. And now that we've gone from the melodrama of having to follow a diet to actually physically torturing our beloved Princess, I find it much more difficult to laugh at her situation. Having Celestia struggle at the gym is only funny if she falls far below expectations, not if you start her at a literally impossible task and only go up from there. Given how much I enjoyed the first couple of chapters, I feel the story's taken a very disappointing turn.
Why oh why doesn't she just use her magic goddess powers to magic the fat off, or go to zecora.
Parts that made me LOL. Oh GOD this is glorious.
Only recently had the night goddess fallen asleep, tuckered out after staying up for hours after her usual time. Celestia narrowed her eyes at the adorable filly. A lesser pony would have thought of nothing other than the aura of innocence the night goddess radiated. But Celestia knew that beneath that cherubim exterior was a mind that even now was filled with nothing but evil.
A butterfly gently settled on Luna’s nose. The night goddess’s nose twitched in her sleep, and let out a tiny sneeze. The butterfly calmly flew off, only to flutter around and resettle again onto of Luna’s hair.
PURE EVIL!
_____________________________________________________
“Don’t even get me started on all of the sexual harassment!”
“…”
“…”
“….Schwarzwälder is not apologizing for that.” the red giant grumbled, pushing past the tiny filly before him.
_________________________
‘-and I’d like to leave the contents of my private library to my beloved student, Twilight Sparkle. I sincerely hopes she enjoys and puts to use the things she’ll learn in my Cosmarepiltan collection and trashy romance novels…’
“When Princess is all done she can take a cool down swim of three miles upriver. Schwarzwälder knows butcher who will supply the steaks and piranha.”
‘-I’d also like for her to have my personal toy collection for her own pleasure. I have no idea where she’s going to find housing for the royal guard, but I’m sure that massive tree can house more than a few.’
Funny chapter, Poor Celestia
If this story wasn't so funny, I'd say leabe her alone. The tone of the story is brilliant, and I look forward to chapter 5 
why do I keep reading Schwarzwälder as Schwarzenegger?
also, MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Agreed with Nonagon. This isn't funny in the least, it's just sadism. I've never found anything amusing about someone taking pointless abuse for no good reason anyway.
I was stick for a half hour laughing
Her sister locker her in the moon for a thousand years. I think she's earned some evil time.
The door swung open to it's own accord just as the elders were about to make amends to the royal decree. Luna standing there with a deadpan expression.
"We were just stopping by to say. Should anypony decide to add us to the decree that binds our sister, then that Pony may find themselves in the grips of a torment a thousand fold what we suffered. And a pain that would make having their privates mauled by blunt toothed dragons a welcome alternative....kay?"
The door then closed without Lunas horn glowing at all.....the quill touched to paper was immedaitly lobbed into the fireplace and the alternations forgotten.
288503
Hey, love critique. Honestly, I thrive off on it. But I have to slightly disagree, but in a way, this IS what's happening. Celestia is very often depicted as all powerful, or at least insanely so. Schwarzewalder, at the end of the day, is just a normal mortal pony. An insanely buff one at that, but just a mortal one.
Celestia on the other hand is a goddess. A goddess who raises the sun.A goddess who could probably fry you in a instant with her magic. Now,
suppose you had to make a training regiment for this (percieved) vastly strong and all powerful diety. Think a couple of curlups fr her would be the same as you or me?
Not sure whose religious, but say we switched God with Celestia, and the reader with Schwarzewalder. Would you expect all-powerful creator of the universe to fall through the floor from a dumbbell?
Still, this wasnt my fav chapter to write for that reason. I can only hope next chapt meets your expectations.
Either the Royal Guard is nothing but actual toys, or Celestia only considers them as such. Either way, you fawkin' rawk the boat.
Wow, I really feel bad for Princess Celestia. I actually agree with 288503 to an extent. Although I found most of it still amusing, I honestly can't help but feel she was treated much too harshly. I mean, I'm not one of those super-strong and exercising-all-the-time people, so I know what it's like to be told (and forced) to do something much beyond your current limitations. I understand that you were going for a concept of giving her some ridiculously high number of tasks and weight to lift, but it just seems cruel. I have confidence that you can make it continue to be enjoyable, however, so I still look forward to the next chapter.
EDIT: 288591 Well, that provides some insight. However, you see, the way you write the characters makes me feel that Celestia is NOT so much like the deity that everypony perceives her as, and more just like a normal pony who happens to have a lot of power and doesn't really enjoy a lot of things about her job. And, the way you write Schwarzewalder makes it seem that he is not simply trying to provide a routine fit for a goddess that can do anything. Instead, it feels like he's just an insanely buff pony who lacks some more common sense and thus, assumes that everypony else should be able to do the same tasks as himself.
That will part was too good.
Yay for twi
, so many toys!
Thank you, I'm always crying from laughing so hard at your story. I love it and can't wait for more!
288622
Response to your edit: Bwaha! But now imagine that same situation with God's Brother... let's call him Steve... standing there and saying "2 miles? Bah, God can do that in his sleep. Let's make it twenty." I mean, who knows God better than Steve? I dunno.
Wouldn't you take Steve's opinions to heart? I mean, this IS God's brother.
Absolutely silly, but this is legit the mini-convo I had in my heard when writing this piece.
Wow. I hope Luna get banished back to the moon now.......that or Celestia takes a page out of Luna's book. Daymare Sun versus Brick the pony.
exposexpress.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/lol-guy.png
Loving every word!
Still think it's hilarious that the pony Canterlot's top models base their appearances off of has to go on a diet.
The question is, how much can Celestia take before she hits the breaking point, and just how astronomically fucked will everypony be when she does?
Either much of Equestria will be glassed or Celestia will end up looking more like a warrior goddess than a pretty princess, and she'll be violently irritable for the next ten thousand years.
Ish so much epicosity...
288591
YOU USED MY LINES XD HAHAH OH THAT IS AWESOME XD the ones form me and SGT brony ^_^
[my comment back then]
OH GAWD! -laughs-
"I am going to PUMP YOU UP! Weakling princess shall have MUSCLES on her muscles. She shall not pump iron. She shall pump PONIES. When she does pushups, Luna will nap on her back."
-wide smile-
"You shall raise the sun not with magic but with MUSCLE! hold this rope and PULL PRINCESS PULL!" X_X
then Sgt. Brony's
"Puny Princess, hear me now and fear me later. Your workout will be composed of a brisk 8 mile jog with 10 lb leg weights and Luna sitting on your back. This will then be followed by a thousand squat thrust and a thousand sit ups which is all great for a warm up. Afterwards we'll work on that flabby belly of yours, followed up by your chest, back, legs and plot. When we're all done you can take a cool down swim of 3 miles up river with steaks strapped to you and piranhas released after you. When I am done with you, you shall be the leanest, meanest and perfectly sculpted princess that has ever been."
[now back to me]
Oh that is just so Bloody awesome XD
but yeah Im glad we were able to help you out ^^
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Arnold The pit bull approves of this message.
oh celestia HAVE FUN WITH THAT 3 MILE UPSTREAM WHILE FENDING OFF PIRAHNAS
Wait... is Celestia really that out of shape? Having trouble imagining that.
And this is why I tracked this story!
Huzzah! Update!
I was completely confused by the chapter opening and was about to go back a chapter when I got to the explanation of it.
On the bright side, Twilight will have so many toys to play with.
XP That was awesome
Two things:
1) The expression of flipping a middle finger is a strange one to see in Equestria since they all have hooves.
2) The problem with this sort of slapstick comedy is that there's a line between characters being funny, and just being a bunch of jackasses.
Luna and the castle staff are sliding very smoothly into jackass territory.
I get the feeling you're trying to make fun of ridiculous methods of dieting and exercise (as if starving and doing exercise beyond your physical limits was helpful), but I don't think it's working out too well, because it's not funny, it's just cruel.
For that matter, even as a joke I don't understand why Celestia is doing muscle training--if she wants to lose weight she should be doing cardio, you should be satirizing that.
289123
And a Gilda, except theres no emoticon for that.
I take your hoof, and raise you a spike.
Castle staff are following ancient protocal in which theyve been indoctriated to follow. As you saw, it wouldnt be muchof a diet if Celestia could just order it off. And for wuvable woona... she's innocence incarnate.
If it makes you feel any better, lemme just slip that thisll be the only overly sadism to Celestia chapter. Of course, the entire scenario is sadistic to anyone (no cheesecake? Id die.) but in this regard the only one.
I might break this promise...
288533
yeah, we already read it, thats for reposting it in the comments.
289215 Can't make a good comment all the time.
This is officially the funniest fic on FiMFiction.
i.imgur.com/ysjIk.gif
My reaction when I saw this was updated.
Now that is funny
I want to read more of that first fan-fic, it sounds really good...
you did a "I lift things up and put them down" reference, please have all my internets...
Mother of God! that was mean of Luna!