95w, 6dCelestia & Luna
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As you all know, I own nothing of My Little Pony. HOWEVER, turns out I DO own every single OC in here! Yeah, turns out US copylaws are in my favour! Woot! So yeah, I do own something. Just... not My Little Pony. Thanksagain to Legacy and John Perry. Trust me... the horrors I make them face...
On normal days, the Royal Library was a quiet place. A domain dedicated to the silent pursuit of knowledge. A sanctuary of tranquility and learning. Ponies would creep about and speak in hushed voices, lest they disturbed their neighbors.
Today was not one of those days.
"-and it was during this time that I saved my bunkmate from a savage who was going to stab him with a sharpened mango!"
'Click. Click-Click. Click.'
Celestia quietly shut the door behind her, not surprised to see her sister here. Luna sat at one of the reading tables, her attention heavily focused on the massive book opened in front of her. Other volumes were piled in tall stacks around her. Curious enough, there was also a stack of magazines sitting close at hoof.
It also seemed that Luna had company. Sitting to her right was a practically ancient stallion, his fur as dry and wrinkled as a sundried raisin. He had already gone bald, and wore a chipped and rusty set of armor, against which his grey wings were folded.
Luna frowned at the figures before her.
"I was not expecting their population to grow as much as it has in the past millennium."
"What-not? Qhat was that?" the stallion asked, holding a hoof to his ear.
"I said I wasn't expecting they would have so many troops!" Luna said louder.
"But of course, your highness. That's the way with griffons. Bred like flies they did. Why, in the last war, they were fancy as a swarm of gnats, and the sky was black with them. Jolly good show it was. I remember as I lead my squad on the dawn patrol..."
Luna looked up at the the abacus which floated in front of her, her hoof reaching out to adjust the wooden beads, when she caught sight of Celestia.
"Sister! So good of thee to join us!"
The librarians winced as Luna's voice echoed around the library and warily looked at each other. They looked like they were at their wits end, and rightfully so. Could they shush her? Revoke her library privileges?
"Luna... what are you doing?" Celestia asked carefully. Luna with her magic, Luna spread a nearby map across the table.
"Sister, thou dost not have to worry. I feel so horrible now! If thou had only told me of the situation... but of course, thou didst not wish to worry me..." Luna agitatedly stared at the map. "But thou needn't worry any longer! I am working on a plan as we speak."
"A plan for what, exactly?"
"About the upcoming war of course!" the stallion said excitedly. He wobbily rose to his hooves and saluted to the princess. "Princess Celestia, may I just say it is an honor to serve under you again. Fall back into the old rank and wot."
Celestia blinked in surprise, and let a rare and genuine smile stretch across her lips.
"General MacApple? You're still alive?"
"Old soldiers never die, ma'rm. We just fade away and languish in retirement till you need us." the stallion said good naturedly. With a tired groan he was forced to sit back down in the chair. "Although, I may be forced to admit, I've looked that old scoundrel death in the eye many times but this time I think he has me on the ropes."
"General, do understand that it is a pleasure to see you again, but I have to ask; why are you here?"
"Apparently, he was the commanding officer from Equestria's previous engagement. I require as much experience as necessary guiding me if we are to succeed." Luna answered. MacApple nodded , and smacked his withered lips.
"Princess Luna has just the plan, your highness. We strike first! A surprise attack! The griffons won't know what hit them this time!" he cackled.
Celestia looked at both of them. "Right. Maybe you explained it already, and I just missed you. But can one of you explain why we're attacking the griffons?"
Luna gave an appalled look at her sister.
"Tia, I know thou wish to do what is most beneficial to all, but neither of us can afford to be pacifists right now. Equestria needs to act! We need this land more than they do!"
Celestia gave a tired sigh and dragged a hoof down her face. It was still too early in the morning for this. She gave a pointed look at MacApple. "General, do you truly wish for yet another war to ravage this country?"
The old solider lifted his head up and met Celestia's gaze with distant eyes.
"It's all I ever think about, your majesty." MacApple whispered hoarsely. He closed his eyes, fondly remembering bygone days. "Just one last great conflict to partake in and fight for the glory of Equestria before I start pushing up daisies. In my dreams, I hear again the splash of water balloons, the taste of whip-cream pies, the uplifting, joyous laughter of the battlefield."
There was a pregnant silence afterwards. A very pregnant silence. Celestia wondered if she or Luna would be the one to- wait, never mind! The baby’s coming!
"W-water balloons? Pies?!" Luna stammered incredulously. "General, what is this that thee speaketh? Thou said thou was a trained veteran!"
"Darn tootin' I am!" MacApple nodded proudly. "Lead the Royal 16th Grenadier Battalion in the Battle of Grey Gulch. There we were, pinned in our camps as the griffons swarmed above us, their air support keeping us pegged with a torrent of water balloons. They flew up out of our range and let gravity do the work for them. It wasn't until some of the unicorns managed to hook up a hose that we manage to soak those griffons good!"
"That is not war! That is… that is child’s play! Hast thou never fought with sword or arrow?”
MacApple looked appalled at the thought.
“Swords and arrows? Heavens forbid it, Princess Luna! A pony could get hurt on those things.”
Luna’s jaw seemed to have unhinged itself and Celestia was quietly snickering to herself.
“Thank you for your time general, but it seems there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding.” Celestia apologized. The elderly pegasus looked all the much like a foal who had just been promised ice-cream only for it to be ripped away.
“No war?” he asked disappointedly.
“Oh, I never said no. I’ll see if I can’t arrange something with Griffhala. In the meantime, you’re dismissed, but I must insist we have tea one afternoon and catch up on… old times.”
This seemed to perk the ancient general spectacularly, if his wings were any indication, and he snapped into a salute, his lower lip trembling in excitement.
“I can’t thank-you enough ma’rm! Wait till the colts back at the home here about this. A real grand war it will be, no doubt about that!” The veteran gave his wings a little shake, giving a lecherous grin. “Hah, that’ll show those newfangled quacks. No real stallion ever needs a pill. Your presence always made the gentlecolts rearin’ and ready to go. Managed to get this old timer up.”
The librarians had turned a blush red at the sight of the Pegasus’s wings and had begun whispering amongst each other.
“It’s not a trouble, but it looks like I need to have a conversation with my sister.” Celestia said with a small giggle when MacArthur noticed the librarians.
“Er… yes. Righteo. Forward in the march and all that.”
As MacApple excused himself, Celestia turned her attention back to her sister, who was looking more distressed than ever.
Luna shook her head in disbelief, her eyes still fixed on the figures before her. “Celestia, how could thee have unwilling stallions to serve under our banner?” The sun goddess went and sat down next to her sister.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. MacApple was a good soldier who followed his duties to the letter. But boy, whenever he did get orders from a commanding officer, did he ever march… on… and on… and on…” Celestia trailed off, a silly grin stretched on her face as she thought of those soldiers from bygone years. They were the best of times, they were the worst—nah, they were the best of times. Good times… good times…
Luna’s voice snapped her out of it. “Sister, thou ist doing it again.”
Celestia shook her head, jogging her mind back on path. There would be time for reminiscing later. “Well, the point is, we live in relatively peaceful times.” Celestia remarked. “The last war… the kind you’re thinking of anyway, occurred about seven hundred years ago. That was the war of the Fire Ruby with the Diamond-Dogs. Since then, in order to ease any sort of tensions or hostility between our neighbors, we’ve sort of had ‘mock-wars’. Nopony has died of conflict or war for the past seven centuries.”
“Mock wars? What-?”
“Border disputes fought with pillows. Mid-treaty assassinations consisting of squirt guns. Massive engagements consisted of foam swords. Need I go on?”
Luna stared in awe at her sister.
“Thou has managed to accomplish all of this of this while I was gone.”
“What can I say? I gained a flair for diplomacy during your absence.” Celestia paused. “Also, something about controlling the sun and moon might have made my job a little bit easier.” Interesting how it didn’t work for the rest of her job. Celestia rubbed her sister’s back soothingly. “Talk to me… what’s all this about.”
“How… how can thou stay so calm while famine strikes Equestria and our ponies starve?” Luna whispered morosely.
Celestia froze up in shock. “Luna, what on earth are you talking about? Nopony is starving!”
“Then why is there no food for us to eat?”
The sun goddess gave a sister a funny look. No food? There was an entire kitchen full of food and the royal cupboards were always stocked.
What on earth could possibly make Luna think that they would-
Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed in relief, grateful that it was all this was about. “Luna, if you’re talking about breakfast--”
“I should have seen it sooner. All the information was right in front my face, and I was too blind to acknowledge what it was!”
“—look, this isn’t what you--”
“These celebrities… they are the new form of nobility, no?” Tears sprung to Luna’s lashes as she pushed the stack of magazines towards Celestia and gestured to the front cover of one. Cosmarepolitan. Celestia gently pressed the inside of her cheek with her tongue. She had read this magazine occasionally before for… for the makeup section. Yes, just for the makeup section.
This particular issue was graced with the slim form of Canterlot’s most popular fashion model, Fleur De Lis. Even Celestia had to admit, the mare was the very definition of beautiful. Apparently, she was also very flexible if the articles in the se-MAKEUP. Yes. If the articles in the makeup section were anything to go by.
Oh how she hoped she wasn’t blushing.
Celestia had met her and her husband Fancy Pants on a few occasions. They were one of the few nobles she actually tolerated, let alone liked.
The fact that Fleur merely naturally looked exactly like one of Equestria’s princesses added to her appeal. Part of Celestia believed it had helped in her swift rise to fame. The white unicorn could have doubled for Celestia herself if the goddess had been several centuries younger… and thinner…
Celestia suddenly felt very self-conscious.
“I was looking at the pictures in these tomes, and everypony in here is so unbelievably thin! Look at her, she has no fat whatsoever.”
“—this all just a silly--“
“But then I never thought it could be possible.” Luna plowed on, completely cutting off her sister as though she hadn’t heard her. “I thought the grand meals you had prepared for us were because Equestria had become more prosperous and because you were angry at the nobles for some cause or another. Never once did I think that you felt guilted to indulge even my slightest hunger!”
Celestia couldn’t really argue against that last bit. Ponies had gotten very creative with cooking within the last millennium. But she had to admit, Luna was absolutely adorable every time dessert rolled around.
There was a slight rumble from Celestia’s belly and Luna noticed this and lept upon the opportunity.
“Your hunger confirms it, dear sister. Now there is not even enough food left in the land to even feed us. We are-”
“Luna, nopony is starving! There is no famine! Equestria is fine!” Celestia suddenly snapped, trying to derail her sister. “There is more than enough food for everypony. Look…” Celestia looked through the stack of books that Luna had picked out. Sure enough, there were agricultural reports, farm taxes, something called The Great Big Encyclopedia of Earth Pony Agronomy. She doubted Luna even had a chance to touch them, but certainly had no doubt in whether or not Luna had planned on reading them. There was a reason the alicorn had pulled them out. With her magic, she quickly found the tribute information from that year’s harvest and opened it on the table.
“Equestria IS prosperous, Luna. There have been countless improvements to the farming method over the centuries leading to increased production, and the Pegasi have done a wonderful job managing the weather so we have the greatest possible crop. We grow so much that we actually have to export some of the perishables to our neighbors just so it doesn’t all go bad.” Celestia explained, as she gestured to the facts and figures on the paper to show her sister.
“Then none of our subjects are going hungry?” Luna asked. Celestia shook her head no. “Then why doest thou not eat? We should celebrate this good fortune!”
Looks like it was time to drop the bombshell.
“Luna… I’m dieting.”
Celestia instantly regretted opening her mouth. Luna looked to be on the verge of yet another panic-attack.
“What?! But sister, you look healthy! How couldst thou be perishing?” Luna exclaimed in fright.
Celestia sighed as her stomach rumbled again. ‘I have no idea, but it sure feels like it.’
“I’m not dying,” Celestia explained carefully. Luna looked visibly relieved at this news. “I’m on a diet.” Luna gave her sister a blank look.
Honestly, none of this should have come to a surprise to the sun goddess. One thousand years on the moon tended to keep one uninformed of the latest trends. Before that fiasco, when they had both ruled, Equestria had not always been so prosperous. Earth ponies had struggled to farm the untamed land, and many ponies went hungry. In the end, only the very wealthy and the nobility ever had enough to eat to satisfy their hunger, let alone grow fat. That was the Equestria that Luna remembered.
For Luna to see her sister, the Princess of Equestria, with next to nothing on her plate… well, Celestia could only imagine how scary it would feel.
“It means that I’m watching what I eat so that I can lose weight.” Celestia explained. Silenced passed between the two sisters. The librarians were grateful for the return to their normalcy.
Said normalcy promptly picked itself up threw itself headfirst out the window.
“That is the stupidest I thing I hath ever heard!” Luna seemed to be in a mix of disbelief and awe at the concept.
‘Finally! Somepony else agrees with me!’
“Well, ponies have found that being overweight is unhealthy and leads to all sorts of medical complications later in life. Ponies also find being fat to be physically unattractive and being thin to be more socially accepted.”
“Wait… so these mares, the one in these magazines…” Luna said slowly, trying to wrap her head around the idea. “Are starving themselves in times of plenty because they think that looking like a skeleton is beauty?”
“More or less, that is about the sum of it.”
“And you’re one of them?”
‘I don’t WANT to be!’
Celestia shrugged indifferently. “As Princess, it is our duty to be role models that all of our subjects can look up to and aspire to be. What sort of an example would I set for my subjects if I just let myself go?”
‘If I actually believed that, this would whole thing would be so much easier.’
“…besides,” Celestia added. “This is something I have to go through with.”
Luna tilted her head quizzically at her sister. “What do you mean?”
“I’ll show you.” Celestia said as she got out of her chair. She glanced over at the three librarians, who were attempting very hard to appear busy organizing books. In fact, Celestia would have been convinced had one of them not been putting the books upside down. “Excuse me, could one of you help us?”
Nary a second afterwards, all three fillies were standing infront of the princess, the stacks of books left to tumble to the floor. It had happened so fast, she would have sworn they had teleported. Did her academy have a student work program that she wasn’t aware of?
All three of them were smiling eagerly at the princesses.
“Yes your highness?”
“How may we-
“-be of assistance to you?” the youngest of the three finished.
Celestia nodded and pointed to a book at the very top of a nearby bookshelf that seemed to almost reach the ceiling. It was something she could have easily have gotten with her magic. “Could one of you get that for me?”
“Just one moment!”
Quick as they had come, the fillies dashed off only to come back with a tall ladder a split second later. Propping it up against the bookcase, one of them (by now, Celestia had given up trying to determine which was which) scurried up to the almost dangerous height and with a precision that would have made a surgeon envious, grabbed the book with her mouth, just as swiftly climbing back down and placing it in front of the princesses.
“Here we are!”
“Is there anything else-
“-we can help with, Princess?”
Celestia leant in close to Luna and whispered to her. “Watch this…” Celestia turned back to the Royal Librarians and brought herself to full height, towering before the fillies. With all the decorum and urgency she could muster, Celestia let the full weight of her position as Equestria’s monarch speak for her. She had used the same voice countless times before to issue royal decrees and bestow judgement on her subjects. But never before had it been used for something so important.
‘Please be new employees, please be new employees’
“I, Princess Celestia, decree that you bring me a foot-long hay and cheese sandwich. Spicy grain mustard, whole wheat roll, and cut it horizontally. And a side of hayfries!” Celestia bellowed, throwing a hint of the Royal Canterlot voice in there for good measure. She looked expectantly at the Librarians.
Celestia tried to not let her heart break to hard as the sisters took one look at each other, and slowly left to go back to what they were going.
“I order you to obey me! Bring it to me now or I shall banish you all from Equestria!” Celestia shouted. But her words only fell on deaf ears. After watching the librarians actually begin to reorganize the bookshelves, Celestia turned back to her sister. “See what I mean?”
Luna was stood there with a stunned look on her face.
“They can just ignore thee like that?” she asked. A slight chuckle emanated from behind the sisters.
“Not ‘can’. They have to. We all take an oath upon admittance to her majesty’s service to act as we must should this day ever arise.” The sister’s turned to see Feather Duster standing by the entrance of the library. “We are honor bound to serve her highness’s best interests… even if it means protecting her from herself.”
“Can you protect me just a little less?” Celestia asked with a strained smile. Oh how she wished she could just pick decorum up and buck it out the window. Just once.
“Conflict of mutual interest, your highness.” Feather Duster replied. She levitated the pocket watch she carried around and flicked it open for her to see. “Speaking of which, we’re about an hour and a half late for court.”
Celestia gave a small groan and trudged towards Feather Duster. She was not looking forward to this at all. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”
“Wait!” Luna galloped infront of her sister, blocking her path. “Thou truly plans to go along with this insane plan of thine? To starve thyself?”
Celestia gave a tired sigh and looked towards the ceiling. She seemed to be doing that a lot today. In fact, the whole wishing for a miracle thing was beginning to get pretty redundant. “It’s actually less of a plan and more of a tradition by now. There’s a whole slew of policies and protocols and other ridiculous nonsense in place.”
“This has happened before?!” Luna exclaimed. “When was the first time?”
Celestia averted her gaze from Luna’s and tried to walk around her sister. “Well…” she began hesitantly, “…there was about a hundred years of comfort food after… you know… moon incident…” Celestia trailed off sheepishly. She felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. “I was an emotional wreck and… might’ve let myself go.”
“They had to cart her to her throne in a wheel barrel.”
Celestia shot a murderous glare at her maid, who seemed completely indifferent to future of pain and torment that the eyes held. “Yes… we really did not need to add that, Feather Duster.”
“Then there was the year the potato chip was invented…” Feather Duster added cheerily.
“…and the great decade of cheesecake!”
Celestia was beginning to grind her teeth as she watched a smile slowly creep across her sister’s lips.
“Yes, I think Luna gets the id-“
“And then there was the time you discovered ponies were experimenting with food in the bedroom. The guards couldn’t get the chocolate syrup out of their coats for wee-“
“OH! LOOK AT THE TIME!” Celestia shouted too loudly, using her magic to turn Feather Duster’s mouth into a zipper. She began walking to the door, dragging the maid by her tail. “I’m late for court! Fancy that! Come along, Feather Duster. Time to run Equestria!”
Luna giggled to herself, the idea of a very round Celestia coming to her mind. “I guess thou was really tubby back then, Tia?”
Celestia froze in her tracks. “Don’t. You. Dare.” She whispered harshly. Luna smirked.
“Tubby Tia. Tubby Tubby Tia.” Luna sang in a singsong voice.
The horseshoes were coming off.
“It’s going to be the moon for you!” Celestia shouted, dropping Feather Duster, as she bolted after her sister. Luna cackled and tried to dart away to hide somewhere in the veritable sea of books, but only managed a few steps before a white cannonball barreled into her. The combined momentum sent them both crashing into a row of bookshelves, sending tomes flying everywhere. After a minute of writing bodies, Celestia managed to pin Luna beneath her, and gave the moon goddess a sadistic smile.
“You know what’s next.”’
“Ack! No! No!” Luna screamed as Celestia’s hooves came down on her. Celestia gave a crazed manic smile. Revenge was a wonderful thing to abuse. Her hooves came down again and again, moving along Luna’s smooth indigo flanks. She knew all of dear Luna’s weak spots. Tears poured from Luna’s eyes. The princess was crying from how hard she was laughing, and clutched her sides as she tried to wrestle her sister off of her. “Bwahaaha-Cel-hahaha-Tiahahaha! I-hahhahaha-yield! I yield!” Luna tapped her hoof against the floor. By now, even Celestia was giggling.
After another several minutes of tickle torture, Celestia let go of her sister and rolled to the side, collapsing onto the mound of books. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she could hear the librarians on the verge of having simultaneous heart attacks. That stray thought was washed away in the warm after-glow of both of their laughter.
Luna finally found the capacity to breathe again and wiped her cheeks, stray giggles escaping her lips. She turned her head to look at her sister.
“Thou knowest thou aren’t fat, right?”
Luna could have turned into Nightmare Moon again right then and there and tried to take over Equestria, and Celestia wouldn’t have even thought of banishing her to the moon as she gave her sister the biggest possible hug.
“-so as you can see on this chart here, we’ve experienced a max growth in the financial department of-“
Celestia discreetly stifled a yawn, looking through half-lidded eyes at the pony standing before her. It was taking every ounce of her willpower to keep her eyes open. The unicorn had a voice that could put even a deaf dragon to sleep and he had been going on for the past two hours NONSTOP.
He was just another bureaucrat trying to impress her with… whatever it was he did.
She glanced at the clock on the far wall. Another five minutes… she just had to make it another five minutes.
“-and if you look at line six, paragraph twelve in section twenty-one, page four-hundred and eleven, you’ll see our policy for-“
The one good thing about this morning was she had finally gotten Luna to fall asleep hours ago. A filly with her work load had no business being up so late in the morning.
Celestia spared a glance at the phone book thick report in front of her. Did he really think she’d read this? It was written in size three font!
Her stomach growled. She was beginning to get anxious, her stomach crying out for something more than just crappy coffee, celery, and water. Almost mind-numbingly bored to death… yet still anxious. Celestia passed it off as another trait of a being a goddess and glanced at the clock again. Just another thirty seconds…
“-the next year, we’ll have reached ninety percent capabilities and-“
Celestia held up a hoof and rose from her chair, pausing the stallion in mid-sentence. She gave him a smile that he most likely mistook for approval of whatever he had been blabbering on about.
“I have listened to you proposal carefully and have decided it would be most beneficial to Equestria if it was implemented. Please, talk to the secretary out front to make an appointment for when we can meet again to iron out some areas and I’ll take a look at the work tonight.”
The pony had the biggest possible smile stretched across his face, and he bowed to the princess.
“Why thank you, your highness! Finally, somepony sees the importance of training hospital security to deal with the threat of zombie and ninja attacks.”
Wait, WHAT? When had that been in there? Did she really just tune out an interesting conversation for once and say yes to a harebrained scheme?
Eh, what was another million bits or so out of the royal budget.
Rubbing her forehooves against her temples, Celestia looked at Feather Duster, the orchestra in her stomach adding some percussion.
“It’s twelve o’ clock exactly. That means its noon. Noon means lunch, and lunch means NOW.”
“Of course! The royal chefs have prepared a delicious cup of celery soup…”
Celestia groaned and slid back in her throne.
“Thy appearance is absolutely ridiculous…” Luna told her sister from her bed, casting a critical eye on what the sun goddess was wearing.
“I’ll have you know, this was very fashionable two decades ago.” Celestia said as she slid the last of her work out leg warmers over her hoof. She had removed all of her royal reglia, and her multi-hued mane had somehow been pulled back in a scrunchy ponytail.
“I cannot imagine any century, let alone the current one, in which a mare would consider that ‘fashionable’.” Luna shook her head in bewilderment. It was only a few minutes before Celestia’s appointment with her new personal trainer, and the sisters were relaxing in Luna’s room.
“You should have been here for the seventies…” Celestia said with a small smile, as she turned around from the mirror. Said smile slid from her face and crashed to the ground, where it shattered into a thousand pieces. “Luna… is that a milkshake?”
Luna was laying on her back, her hair a waterfall of stars as looked at her sister upside down from the edge of the bed. A tall cup was in her hooves, the straw positioned delicately between her lips.
Celestia felt her stomach rumble again and tried not to think of the thick, sugary wonderland her sister was currently consuming.
Fortunately, Celestia’s attention was spared as somepony knocked on the door.
“Ah, that must be the trainer!” Celestia said with a weak smile, trying to sound more excited than she actually was. If there was one thing she was certain about, it was that she definitely was not looking forward to this.
The straw dropped from Luna’s mouth as Celestia opened the door and walked into what felt like a brick wall. “Woah…”
Before the pony sisters, towering above even Celestia herself was the largest stallion either of them had ever seen. Gargantuan muscles rippled across his red fur as irises the size of pinpricks stared down at the royal sisters. The pony was snorting like a bull, the veins in his neck sticking out like vines.
Celestia jaw hit the floor at the speed of a sonic rainboom.
Feather Duster poked her head out from behind the monster, grinning broadly.
“Oh good! I was hoping we’d find you here. This is Schwarzwälder, your new personal trainer!”
If I might also be so bold, I also ask that anyone who reads this please take a glance at my blog. It has a message for all the fans reading this and.... yeah... I feel silly now. But it needsto be said.
NOTE ONTHE BLOG: NO, Im NOT leaving or taking that much of a break.... just dont expect updates like, every 2 days or stuff.