The Great Galactic War is over, and an uneasy peace has settled across the galaxy. The Empire and Republic stare hatefully at each other across the stellar void. In the midst of all this, the Republic cruiser Bondar Thane finds itself above a mysterious, unexplored world.
Meanwhile, within the confines of her royal chambers, Princess Celestia experiences a fear she has not known in millenia. An old presence has returned, awakening aeons-old memories, and she must prepare to confront the greatest threat Equestria has ever known.
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic crossover with Star Wars, set in the Old Republic era.
Chapters (6)
You need a serious grammar check. Your verbs keep jumping back and forth between past and present tense.
Nicely done
Moar plz!!
I like it.
Though im a bit confused with the jedi traveling………where? Is that him using the force to look at things?
2306665
A vision, through the Force. Sorry, I thought I had made that more clear.
2306691
Ok thanks
2306691 Thatll be made a bit clearer in the next chapter. I had originally intended this chapter to have a little bit more after the dream, but the dream ended up much longer than I had anticipated.
And btw, i like the pic for the story.
Where did u get it?
2306698
Honestly, it was the most appropriate looking pic I found when I googled Star Wars and ponies. I dont know who the artist is, unfortunately. Whenever this ball gets rolling a little faster, and we get a bit more into the story, I might get someone to do a proper cover image
2306705
Ok
The picture is pretty epic though.
2306705 I say before looking at the DA tag in the image. Im an idiot T.T
2306716
Hah, indeed it is. I do like it.
2306718
Lol
2306705
I found the picture.
It is being used as the cover art of a story on Equestria Daily.
FYI
2306740
Then I must find another cover image asap, if I am to ever achieve my dream of gracing EQD's lovely stories section.
2306743
Hmm……the story there looks interesting………proceeding to read. Lol
Good luck!
hmmm hey a star wars story! its about time more got on!
Excellent idea. Some background information would be appreciated.
2350900
Thankyou!
As far as background goes, the MLP side of this would be pretty much right before the events of Magical Mystery Cure. Standard MLP universe, just no Twilicorn.
In the Star Wars timeline, this is set during the Cold War era. That's roughly three and a half thousand years before the events of the movies. The two most concurrent events that most people would be familiar with are the events of Knight of the Old Republic, and the storyline of the current MMO Star Wars: The Old Republic. For all intents and purposes, this story would be happening at the same time as the events of Star Wars: The Old Republic.
2350900
A more in-universe explanation....
The Sith Empire has resurfaced from a millenium of dormancy in the Unknown Regions to take vengeance upon the Republic. The two sides clashed in a terrible and bloody feud known as the Great Galactic War. After twenty eight years of death and carnage, a tense peace was finally found, with the signing of the Treaty of Coruscant. The two sides now maneuver carefully around each other, the fragile neutrality always on the edge of bursting into fiery war once more. This is the Cold War between the Sith Empire and the Galactic Republic, and the setting for our story.
Vs. not one, but TWO jedis?
I travelled to the future and submitted the next chapter to pornhub, but they wouldn't accept rape.
2464168
Hehe, I do like to keep people on their toes :P
Celestia's power and the Jedi's relative lack thereof is actually a plot point that shall be explored in the coming chapters.
Aside from that, I tend towards the interpretation of Celestia and Luna as minor deities in their own right, so I like to make them just a teensy bit OP
2471967
Well……they should be practically all-powerful in equestria since they are deities there.
But yes, making them TOO powerful would hurt the story.
Anyway, nice chapter Khandnalie
This just doesn't flow well. Perhaps something like "Sister! What in the name of the sun are you doing?" or "Sister, What in the name of all things solar, are you doing?"
Also, do you envision the unicorn teleport in a similar vein as Force Push? Because I don't understand why teleporting would physically topple objects to the ground. Unless there's a blast of air emanating outwardly, like a wave from a rock being tossed into the water? An instantaneous appearance of matter causing the compression and dispersement of air around a unicorn in a very physical interaction of its surroundings? Perhaps even creating a windy explosion. Because otherwise I don't understand why Celestia teleporting anywhere should knock off anything.
I can see the energies used causing telescopic equipment malfunction, though. But on the flipside, arguments could be made that there'd be no energy leaked as everything would be used in the spell. Like turning on a faucet to wash dirty hands, and then turning it off when finished. There is no excess, beyond what is used to accomplish the set tasks.
2548201
Hmm, the wording thing I may have to chew over a while. I see your point, but I still like the original wording better.
And, when Celestia sensed the Jedi were there and went to combat them, she was in, understandably, a bit of a hurry. Kind of like sprinting to get somewhere quickly, when you finally have to come to a stop, there's a lot of energy to get rid of. I envision the teleportation working in a similar manner: You can teleport, especially over short distances, and with small/less-powerful subjects, without creating much splash, by applying a little concentration. Like how Twilight pops hither and thither all willy-nilly without any noticeable effects. But when going a long distance, like say, Canterlot Castle to the meadows outside Ponyville, and transporting something much more massive than a little pony, and a larger well of energy within, like for instance a full grown alicorn, theres a lot more energy involved that has to be handled more carefully. When youre in a big hurry trying to stop the end of Equestria, you tend to not be careful, so there's a lot of "splash" for a teleport that large. Thus, Celestia go boom-boom when she arrived. Also, Celestia seems like one to make an explosive entrance anyways in that sort of situation.
Also, in Lesson Zero, when Celestia makes her appearance, there is a rather blinding flash of light upon her arrival. Not quite an explosion, but it's a good canonical jumping off point for the concept I was trying to convey.
2548201
Oooohh, this is good - Your comment got me to thinking, so I went back and watched some clips of Twilight teleporting as well as Lesson Zero for reference. At different points during the series you can see different animations and different levels of magical "splash" depending on the circumstance. For example in Ticket Master, when she hurriedly teleports Spike and herself to the library from somewhere else in Ponyville, Spike seems to suffer a considerable amount of damage from the process - which would be consistent with my interpretation of the process, since she was going a relatively far distance, transporting a pretty large mass, and in a helluva hurry. In Aplebuck season, when she is talking to AJ, you can see her very calmly teleporting a number of times for short distances by herself with no "splash". Also, in Lesson Zero, you can see a little bit of a change in the size and intensity of the teleport animation depending on Twilight's state of mind. It gets a bit flashier when she is agitated. Between the two, I also noticed a generally negative correlation between the amount of time Twilight spends casting the spell and the flashiness of the animation.Also, at around 12:20 or so, when she comes to her friends for help, you can see her teleportation begin to knock back one or two nearby objects a short distance, as she is agitated and not paying proper attention to her spell as she casts it.
So yeah, I had initially just kind of pulled this out of my ass because it sounded appropriate to me, but upon further review there does appear to be some precedence in the canon. Nifty, that.
Anyways, thank you for your comment, this has actually gotten me to thinking and has helped sharpen up a few concepts in my mind. Thankyou :)
2548201
Also, admittedly I just found a counter-example for my theory in Dragon Quest..... but hey, you cant win em all.
2548201
Okay, so after all that, I just realized that you were referring to the teleport in the prologue, not in later chapters..... *wipes egg off of face*
Still though, my concept works.
... yes, fear Celestia's might. Fear the multi-kiljoule beams of pure devastation. Why, even the death star would tremble in the presence of an attack in the kilojoules! Star destroyers dream of having lasers of such might. This is clearly far beyond anything a Jedi can handle. Woe to he who would challenge the mighty kilojoule-firing, molasses-speed, 5 second combat-reaction might that is Celestia
Here's some advice on the first section. I hope it helps.
There are some longer sentences in which two unrelated items are discussed. These don't flow well. There's also some awkward and excessive wording throughout. Some sentences are especially cumbersome and difficult to read. Try to trim away excess wording and make things more concise where you can. A few specific examples:
There's too many different ideas crammed in here. Seperate the items that aren't directly related to improve the flow of logic.
The rest of that paragraph is pretty awkward, too. You're giving lists of things, which isn't very descriptive, and makes it hard to read. Use more verbs to make the descriptions more lively. Also, "he could feel the headache they were about to instill" makes no sense.
Try something like
The first sentence is very awkward, and I doubt it's grammatically valid. The last sentence is missing a preposition or a verb. Try something like:
In the fifth paragraph, there's punctuation missing.
Sixth paragraph, missing apostrophe.
The sentence after has several issues. Missing apostrophe, and incorrect verb tense.
In Star Wars, they use hyperdrives, not warp drives. Unless the KOTOR era is different. I'm not familiar with the expanded universe enough to know.
Missing apostrophe, and there's no need for a comma there.
"Patient" and "expectant" convey a similar idea. You don't need both.
"Smirk" is defined in the dictionary as "a smile expressing scorn or smugness rather than pleasure." If that's what you meant, good. If not, fix it. It's a very common mistake.
The rest of that sentence is very awkward. Suggestion:
Verb tense slip.
Also, regarding ellipses, I'll have to double check the rule on those. If I remember correctly, you use four dots only when ending a sentence. (Use three at all other times.)
Don't capitalize after a colon.
Another awkward sentence.
There are similar problems in the rest of the chapter, I just picked out the specific examples from the first section. You forget a lot of apostrophes.
2574605
Holy Borknagar on a Belphegor o.0 That's a comment and a half. Thankyou very much for your attention to detail here. Looking over your comment, much of this is stuff my editor has already pointed out and is currently in the process of being fixed. But still thankyou, any and all feedback is appreciated.
This story is currently in the garage, so to speak, while it is being worked on. If you'd like a more complete version, I recommend waiting a week or two while we get this whole revision business out of the way. The updated versions of all the chapters will be posted along with the next chapter whenever everything is finished.
Hehe, but thankyou once again for your feedback Mr Lydian Silver (your name is great for musical/color-related puns)
2306691
The mantra works pretty well in this story. The thing with the falling was kinda confusing. If this is a Jedi Futuresight, or Vision would the Jedi be aware of it? Or is it because they've honed their Force skils (Abilities) to the point that falling doesn't instill any fear whatsoever? If the Jedi knows or is aware that this is a Force Vision, we need to be clued in also, since this is from a narrative perspective.
Also, I find it rather difficult to accept that Twilight would be aware of the difficulties of handling a mirror and not make sure that the shattered glass is properly disposed of, given her scientific and analytical mindset. Especially given her penchant for lists and organization. If she overlooks it, or neglects to address this, then it should be illustrated in the story somehow.
Also, needs to have some problem/dilemma/ issue in the chapter. We do get Twilight's negligence and the problems and issues it causes for both her and Spike, but even that is far too mild a scene. Spike should have been way more confrontational, after all his mother/ sister figure was laying amongst shards of glass, She could have disemboweled herself, cut her throat, pierced her heart or lungs, or at the very least, bled to death. He should have been terrified, worried and furious with her for neglecting to address such a problem as broken glass on the floor.
Also, there needs to be more issue/ problem/ dilemma on the part of the Republic ship crew and the Jedi. Maybe not mutiny against the Captain, but certainly unrest and discontent, maybe even murmurings of discontent. The Jedi should sense something in the Force, perhaps an approaching darkness or even be swamped in a vision of a tragedy as a young apprentice or Jedi,
Becausw as it is now, this chapter comes across as filler, and doesn't really grip or engage the reader. There's not even really vivid descriptions engaging our sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. There's not really any conflict or psychological drama, or anyone having to deal with a issue, problem, dilemma in this, so it doesn't "hook" the reader, and engages their attention. It comes across as bland, blase and uninteresting.
2355317
A Republic Cruiser is in the orbit above Equestria. It's then odd, that Celestia reacts towards the sence of invasion in the celestial (no pun intended) airspace above the planet. Is she so tune, or tuned into the Force in a special way that she's sensing something dark/ evil amongst the Republic cruiser. Or is she having some kind of Future Sight vision or something?
Also wouldn't Uldir's discontentment or displeasure with how non-veteran personnel interacts with him, lean him more towards the Dark Side, even if just a little bit?
Also, I find it odd, that C & L are sending the Element Bearers to handle and prepare for war which they do not believe they can win against. Also, I find it odd that given this huge Responsibility being thrust upon Twilight and the others, Twilight isn't picking C & L's brain on similarities or differences the Force may or may not have with Equestrian magic, and inquiring about battle strategies, any dirty fighting/ tricks the opponent may use, and defensive measures/ traps they might set to discourage the enemies and protect the citizen.
The Padawan comes across as too passive. Like she has no personality, a plot bot for Uldir to exploit, to give him something to interact with. She's not impatient to see battle or action, chafing against the restraining influence of her Master, and being Tempted with the Dark Side. She doesn't desire to test her Force Powers to test her abilities, prove herself as a Padawan and impress her Master. Basically she doesn't behave like a hormonally driven, young woman filled with an indeterminate amount of Force Power desiring to either rebel against authority, or prove her ability to her mentoring figure.
Peace,
AuthorGenesis
P.S.
The i following the w doesn't need to be capitalized.
There are eerie parallels between the establishments of Equestria and the Tho Yor Arrival at Tython long ago: in which both parties despite their diversity were forced to cooperate in order to survive against the wilderness: the Tyhan Pilgrims had to seek balance in The Force lest suffer from the planets massive and uncontrollable Force Storms, while the Three Tribes stood by in Harmony due to the fear of the Windigoes that fed off of the mistrust and anger from the ponies towards one-another.
Kudos for including the Je'Daii Code in this chapter, I like that order more than the Jedi and Sith anyways.
Shouldn't celestia's magic crystal have shown more than just stars and a Rakata alone? It doesn't seem to be that much of helpful information that the Mand Six can go off of here: if there was images of Force Hounds descending upon a wary Pre-Equestria village and razing it with Force Lightning, or of the demoralizing image of a worn out Mare collapsing before a slave driver would help to convey more to the heroines than simply "These are the Rakata, they are evil and come from space, they've come back again so go fight them. It's dangerous to go alone, take this."
On a sidenote here that is completely off-topic: why did the Tho Yor completely bypass Equestria tens of thousands of years ago: the Hyperdrives of the Infinite Empire are built to head for planets that are strong in the Force. The Tho Yor operated similarly by traveling to the various Force Sensitive worlds in the galaxy such as Korriban, Kashyyyk, Sullust, Mirial, Iridonia, Dathomir, Alpherides, Ryloth, and other such planets before traveling to the Core World of Tython. Why bypass Equestria when the native system is (seemingly) located in the general area between Hutt Space and Bothawui according to the ships navicomputer?
2405378 excuse me? The Wazzi-wha?
Jesus, kicked any orphaned zebra foals lately Woerman? (Attack on Titan reference)
Okay... That chapter happened.
...
...
...
...Is there anything else you want to add?
When is a next chapters going to be?
When is the next chapter going to be?
Corporal Ulgo......
Is this in reference to Thrask Ulgo from the Endar Spire tutorial level of SW:KotOR?
*reads further*
Oh, nope, never mind.