They came in peace but that peace was just a trick to take out Earth
Halo/MLP crossover
Chapters (3)
302Death
Joined 24th Oct, 2012 ·
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Aww yes. This is epic.
2275221 Thanks :D
i.imgur.com/Xd8Ox.jpg
If you're going to have something happen, show it happening. This could easily have been a couple chapters to itself.
Furthermore, your characters just feel... bland. I get no sense of them being anything other than mouthpieces for you as an author, which doesn't make for good fiction. What prompted Celestia to want to wipe out humanity? Why should I care about anything that's happening here? It reads like the fifth hour of a history professor's lecture, to put it bluntly
.
Then there's the grammar errors, which really just suggests you need to get someone to preread this. Or Microsoft Word (or any text editor beyond Wordpad, really)
It need lot of work everything is done two quick and the characters are just bad they also need a lot of work this story need some big improvement or it will just be bad
2275265 Im not good on details that's a problem for me
2275280 You should really get a per reader and an editor
- First off, you need to learn how to do dialogue correctly. Tn these instances, that period needs to be a comma.
- *need
Lastly, I would like to tell you that your story is rushed, feel free to take the time to fully describe what's happening. If your reader can't visualize what's happening, they aren't being engaged in the text, and that is a failure on the author's part.
Secondly, it looks like the ACB group has once again created a grossly OOC version of ponies as a whole race. How about having pony villains and pony heroes? Kind of like how there are human heroes and human villains in real life? Otherwise, this is just... forgive me for not making this sound nicer, gun porn, and rather dry gun porn at that. The description is very lacking.
2275280 Then work on it, seek advice, or, you know, read other stories so you can get a feel for what you should try and attempt.
Idk if I can ask this but may I know who wins in advance I prefer reading humanity wins stories so I don't want to be let down.
2275462 Thanks fo the advice man im going to give the next chapter more of my time
Interesting story. Make the ponies burn
2275775 I think you should re write it you just start over add more background some depth to it
2275775 I am inclined to agree with 2275918 In fact you might very well want to reconsider this whole thing and make a few pony protagonists. There's a reason why "Cupcakes" is infamous as opposed to famous. People come here because they like ponies, the last thing they want to see is the entire collective lot being painted in one color of villainy. I know I don't. Consider giving... a realistic account of why conversion would be made, rather than handwaving it under the fact that it is "alternate universe".
2275981 I agree
2275987 Ok im going to rewrite the whole story in the future but not right now im to tired to figure more things out anyway so yeah
Pity, I liked it the way it was. Hope it'll be even cooler this time.
Wanna check out my own TCB story?
2276133 Sure il check it out
2276139 Awsum. You can't miss it
Ok before I read this I can tell who is going to win. The UNSC, if they don't then this is not a halo/mlp crossover it is a lie. The Master Chief is so lucky that he wins at everything. So equestria prepare for a thorough ads kicking.
Don't really understand all these Conversion Bureau themed stories. Ponies have no chance against humans!