Ever since Luna has been banished to the moon... She realized she was going to go insane of boredom. Her solution? Go insane.
After a few months of hoof tapping and utter boredom. Luna understands how to pass the time. Social interaction is always the best answer. When she finds a strange town of strange ponies, she passes the time by going on exciting adventures to help the moon ponies.
Inspired by my love of the stars.
Critique please?
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I enjoyed the well written story. however, I would like to see a follow up. Possibly her going into the moon town?
First to comment...! Nah, that's stupid, here's a real critique.
I would like to start out saying that your idea is wonderful. What did Luna do on the moon for a thousand years? Makes one ponder, no? Personally, I'd start thinking ahead. What issues will she face? After all, a story isn't very good without some sort of problem, be it big or small. All you need to do is make it interesting.
Next, watch out for small mistakes in your mechanics. An example can be shown below:
"Ay, when the moon shines the brightest,"
"There is no place but thee tides beneath the clear full moon,"
"Where the glory of thy brilliant light is seen with interest!"
Luna stumbled through the crater, singing her lungs out, trying to call out to home. To Celestia.
"Those who stand in the way of the night swoon,"
"At the sight of the stars, they tremble with fear"
"At first they loved us, tonight they only sneer."
"Now we simply shed a tear..."
I'm not good at poetry, so I can't say anything but wonderful...you got it to rhyme and make sense.
One thing you did mess up on was the quotation marks and their placement.
"Ay, when the moon shines the brightest,
There is not place but thee tides beneath the clear full moon,
Where the glory of they brilliant light is seen with interest!"
Luna stumbled through the crater, singing her lungs out, trying to call out to home. To Celestia.
"Those who stand in the way of the night swoon,
At the sight of the stars, they tremble with fear,
At first they loved us, tonight they only sneer.
Now we simply shed a tear..."
That's one such example. Other issues I found within were simply mix-ups with past and present tense words (smiled instead of smiles). Check to make sure that you have correct capitalization and grammar. Here's a tip, read the entire thing out loud to yourself before you submit it. You'll catch most of your mistakes and be able to fix them.
Lastly, make sure that you are constant with Luna's voice. She jumps from the traditional Canterlot voice and the new, thousand year present language much too quickly. Keep this in mind, how much has the English language changed from the 1000s to the 2000s? A lot. It's just a tip.
In no way must you take in and do everything that I say, I'm simply pointing out what I think I saw that could be improved upon. I hope that you don't stop writing. All I ask, and I believe that most other's ask as well, is that its 'quality over quantity.' Always.
Good luck and keep writing!
2267595
Yes, in the author's note I mentioned that this would be continued. Her simply meeting him is the prologue. She will indeed enter Moon Town.
2267633
Fixed. An entire story based on old English dialogue would be WAY too hard for me. So I simply made her speak modern. Also, she has the royal Canterlot voice for many purposes, such as interrogating ponies by intimidation. As for the poem, It's an old song sung by Luna and her royal batponies to boost morale, the
At first they loved us, tonight they only sneer.
Now we simply shed a tear..."
part she added on to fix her current situation.
You forgot a quotation mark before "Those"
Beside that, it's a good prologue, but to judge how well written is this story, we need at lest one more chapter.
…or two.
And about the old English thing, we can assume that it's translated in a more modern way… Beside, just after being freed form her madness she speak in modern English, even if she don't say much. (See the end of Ep2 of season 1.)
the tense is fluxtuating (Luna groggily woke up,he tavern is dimly) etc. Still a good fic.