WARNING! THIS FIC IS TERRIBLE! DO NOT READ!
Nightshade, (OC, originally Davis) has a rather unique power, one that many with less than selfless intentions will give anything to get a hold of. He is on the run, and just when he appears to be caught, he finds himself in a new world entirely. Called a monster by his fellow humans, how will he fare in a world where ALL humans are considered as such? And can he stop the darkness within himself? An HiE story, no the main character will not be ponified, because then it would lose the whole point. Also my first fanfic, so commentary is appreciated. Mild Swearing, Gratuitous Violence, Rated T for Teen. I do not own any of the characters, except Davis because I made him up, and I really don't care if you use him in your fic or not just s long as you make sure to direct back here so everypony knows where he came from. All things pony related are the property of Hasbro (insert proper legal jargon here)
I don't like how this started, but I'll track it, and give it a chance.
Well I can say you nailed the part about how "humanity is mostly greedy and evil, often manipulating things to their own benefit," those are just one of the (I guess it would be appropriate for the term) pointers about humanity, though I'm resisting the urge to get philosophical about this, so I shall stop here.
Also, I am enjoying how this story is turning out so far, tracked.
"An HiE story, no the main character will not be ponified, because then it would lose the whole point." Finally someone gets it!
Good story, I dont particularly like anti-human themed stories but this one is an exception. Good job! I hope when he explains humans to the ponies he isnt too harsh! Make sure to have him mention good stuff too!
Wow, only out a day and I have 13 people tracking it. Pretty cool. I made a couple minor adjustments to the first chapter, like adding Davis' age, (he's 19) and a couple spelling and grammatical corrections.
Oh by the way, commenting is appreciated. Props to Jiropracter. Explaining humans to the ponies was something I was thinking about how to do, mostly because I wanted to do it right, and I suppose I can add a bit of history, people like Mother Teresa and other good humans, but it's mostly going to be about how people like that are few and far between . Now I've already mentioned in the story about the "legend" of humans, and how they might NOT want to bring one to Equestria, so Davis, who is ticked off at the whole of his species, will be giving mostly a negative opinion of humanity. As for how this started, I read a bunch of HiE fics, and they normally go from, "I'm emo life sucks." To "OMG ponies I love everything!" in like 2 chapters. There wasn't ever really an internal struggle. This is going to be about someone with a buckload of pain and heartache trying to overcome it. There will be a bunch of philisophical stuff in it, but nothing too confusing.
One thing that kills this fic and made it so I couldn't read it.
You don't use paragraph breaks.
Whenever someone new speaks or does an action, you are supposed to put it in a new paragraph.
You do something like (He jabbed me in the shoulder with a scalpel, twisting it around before pulling it out. My screams of pain seemed to be like music to his ears. "Now then, heal yourself." "This is illegal, you assaulted me, kidnapped me, and now you're running experiments on me? Soon as the police get here you're going to jail." He jabbed me again. "Idiot, who do you think owns the police, who do you think controls the government? We do! We have money, and the world runs on money. people can be bought, officials can be bribed. Myself and the 3 on those screens can do whatever we want!" He was laughing maniacally now. "So, I am your friend for years, and I give you an extra year of life, and this is how you repay me? What happened to 'making amends'?" He stabbed my chest, missing anything vital, but making it hurt like hell. "I only wanted to make things right because I though i was going to die. Who cares about the afterlife if I'm never going to go? If you aren't going to heal yourself, then I guess I'm just going to have to kill you. Then my eggheads can run tests on every single piece of you!" That idiot. As soon as I said immortality, he had forgotten completely about how it's a trade off, how something has to be lost in order to gain. I was indoors, so there weren't any plants, and the dumbass locked me in a sealed laboratory, without bacteria. Richards associates were in other countries most likely, only here through the screen. So it was just me and him. He stabbed me in the neck, severing my jugular. Fine, I'll take part in his little demonstration. He is going to kill me, I might as well make him pay for what he's done.)
It should be (He jabbed me in the shoulder with a scalpel, twisting it around before pulling it out.
My screams of pain seemed to be like music to his ears.
"Now then, heal yourself."
"This is illegal, you assaulted me, kidnapped me, and now you're running experiments on me? Soon as the police get here you're going to jail."
He jabbed me again. "Idiot, who do you think owns the police, who do you think controls the government? We do! We have money, and the world runs on money. people can be bought, officials can be bribed. Myself and the 3 on those screens can do whatever we want!" He was laughing maniacally now.
"So, I am your friend for years, and I give you an extra year of life, and this is how you repay me? What happened to 'making amends'?"
He stabbed my chest, missing anything vital, but making it hurt like hell. "I only wanted to make things right because I though i was going to die. Who cares about the afterlife if I'm never going to go? If you aren't going to heal yourself, then I guess I'm just going to have to kill you. Then my eggheads can run tests on every single piece of you!"
That idiot. As soon as I said immortality, he had forgotten completely about how it's a trade off, how something has to be lost in order to gain. I was indoors, so there weren't any plants, and the dumbass locked me in a sealed laboratory, without bacteria. Richards associates were in other countries most likely, only here through the screen. So it was just me and him. He stabbed me in the neck, severing my jugular. Fine, I'll take part in his little demonstration. He is going to kill me, I might as well make him pay for what he's done.)
Please correct this mistake as soon as you can so your fic will be readable.
Ahh thank you Nightgazer. I do have a tendancy to ramble. Thank you for the input. I shall correct this, as well as the previous chapters post haste. And I will keep it in mind for future chapters.
I'm really surprised by how the main character uses his powers. It doesn't feel at all like you needed to limitate him to advance the story, which writers often do with these characters to make the baddies seem more threatening.
Looking forwards to future chapters
179506 That's the thing. His powers are pretty much based on what he has around him. In an abandoned park, he's rather weak, but in a massive city, he's pretty much unkillable. However, the fact that it's always a trade off means he has to be responsible. He could get ripped to shreds by a machine gun, and if he can't find the shooter, he has to decide whether to kill off innocent civilians in order to stay alive, or to take it himself. His power is pretty much unlimited, but he has to choose to use it, and the moral choice wears on his psyche. There will also be situations where he might not have access to them. One thing I HATE about some fics is when they basically make the character Jesus in a Gundam, and throw balance and sensibility out the window. While his powers are incredible, they are all of the same nature, and that is life manipulation, and they do have their limitations which will be explained hopefully in chapter 4. I don't think I'll write chapter 4 today though. Today is mostly me handling the fic's reception, taking suggestions, pooling ideas. While I wrote the first 3 chapters all in one day, I had been thinking about it for the week before hand, and while I do have many scenes already thought out, (including the ending) I'm still thinking about how to string them together, what order to put them in, and many of the other scenes I haven't thought of.
So if I leave a comment here, my face will get blessed?
Cool!
Anyways, I wanted to say moar but putting moar moar in my moar meter makes me moar confused, so I'm just going to say the default line...
Looking forwards to future chapters.
"An HiE story, no the main character will not be ponified, because then it would lose the whole point." Glad to hear someone else gets it :D.
EDIT: Fuck, ninja'd.
To me for some reason chapter 5 feels a little awkward to me. I'm not sure why, I just can't put my finger on it. I keep reading it over and over, and something about it just doesn't feel right. I'm not sure what. Oh well, it's probably fine. If it's not somepony will point it out, and I'll be fix it if and when that happens. Probably just my paranoia. Maybe it's the character. He realized pretty quickly the whole thing with the plant, and changing his name. But I guess when you've been on the run for about 6 months, got thrown through a portal, killed a bunch of angry trees, almost died just because you touched a plant, and are hearing voices in your head that aren't yours making you think you've gone crazy, I guess you have to be a quick thinker. Just because he was a maintenance guy doesn't mean he was in any way dumb. His former boss confided in him after a short 2 years of knowing each other, so he's got to be pretty good with philosophy. Anyway, time to start chapter 6. And thanks to Anteh, I now know that people are actually reading my little blurbs. If you don't read them, you should, seriously. I put down my thought process and sometimes what's going to happen next, and after writing for a long stretch it's a really good way to clean up the puddle of mush that is my brain in preparation for the next chapter by letting loose for a bit.
187239 The elements of harmony dude. When they saved the town, the rainbow made a dome over the whole thing, which then exploded into white light. Season 2, episode 2.
This fic is coming along nicely, rapidly becoming one of my favorite fics, Great writing so far, keep up the good work!
187239 there, fixed it so now it makes sense. I could have sworn I typed that differently. Thanks for pointing it out. Hopefully that change takes care of any future confusion.
187397 Your comment fills me with *yay*. It's nice to be appreciated. In about 45 mins I'm gonna have the next chapter out, I'm telling you ahead of time just to make you all die of anticipation. Thanks again for the idea about introducing the good side of humanity. You will see a little of that in this next chapter.
Finally done chapter 6, my brain is pounding from too much thinking,
and my heart is mush from d'aww. 
I'm starting to love this Fanfic. Before I write a chapter I usually read through the last 2 again, just to make sure it makes sense with the story flow. and I and rather entertained at reading it through, even though I'm the one writing it. You guys are real slave drivers you know that? Nah, I'm just kidding I love y'all.
187620
Real slave drivers? We're just rookies.. But since you want
I'll show you some slave driving
Anyways, I will be waiting for the next chapter.. So don't take too long or I'll forget the story (I read 'round 5-15 new fanfics daily
So it wouldn't be unheard of. Of course, I won't forget if the story is good.. Hopefully)
PS: Get outta yer closet, kid. It's not that bad being open about being a brooooooneeeeh. Except if you don't like to be called a faggot, crazy, insane, idiot, ponyfaggotmanga (apparently a synonym for MLP fanfic, according to my friend
) reader, gay... Or just the normal weirdo.
I think my friends are getting annoyed with me speaking about ponies every few sentences, but whoooooooooooo cares.
PSS: How could he think about eating ponies? Is he unable to see the adorableness and cuteness! And epicness! And.. Poniness!
187855 Well, I for one, being about as shy as the yellow pegasus herself, do not like being called names. So, no, I think I'll just keep this a secret. What's more, he was ASHAMED of himself for even thinking it, and he noted that she was adorable, kind of why he is taking on the father figure role. Come on. If you were in a forest, slowly starving to death, and a fairly large animal just happened to drop out of the sky, don't tell me you wouldn't think of eating it. Especially since this guy has BEEN killing animals in order to eat. He even tried to eat a friggin manticore. He was in the end, able to overcome his survival instinct by replacing it with parental instinct, and that fact that horse meat is disgusting. I've never tried it, but I know someone who did. He puked.
187855 As for you guys being slave drivers... *Sound of a whip* Alright, I suppose I can try to give you 4 chapters in one day, but you'll probably get chapter 7 after midnight. I don't dare do any more, Or I'll end up spoiling you lot.
Actually horse meat is very good, it’s full of protein, very lean, can be very tender depending of the horse it came from (an old work-horse is not good for consumption but there are horses raised specifically as cattle), and basically, unless you are told so, you wouldn’t recognize it as horse meat. All I’m trying to say here is, try it before you judge it, or do I have to remind you of the Bridle Gossip episode? or about the first time someone told you that a My Little Pony cartoon was good? (Never judge a book by its cover)
Anyway I congratulate you for this fanfic, indeed it’s not the first time I see a character (pony related or otherwise) with similar powers to these, but you have manage to make a very interesting story so far. So good luck and don’t mortify yourself with strict updating schedules, just write at a pace that works for you and don’t rush perfection, je if we survived the gap between season 1 and 2 I believe we can wait a little more for your updates.
188296 Well, thanks, I guess I can take a bit more time with these updates, but it's just I have so much information and story and plot and character development packed into my brain that it feels bloated and I don't want to forget all the stuff I've thought of. As for horse meat, these are ponies. These are not raised like cattle, they are running around all over the place, doing awesome things and having adorableness which causes viewers and readers to suffer from cute diabeetus, and heart attacks. If a horse is active, it's meat will become extremely tough, to the point of being practically inedible. And these are ponies. and they are cute. If i found out that I had just eaten Rainbow dash, (not like that, get your mind out of the gutter) I'd vomit from the thought.
If you have inspiration to write then write! the best time to do so is then. if you have to force it DO NOT FORCE IT. i have learned from personal experiance and seeing it done to others that forcing a chapter is really bad. so if you have inspiration to write or just idea's, Jot them down. also. Great chaper!
188695 It's just that once I get in the writing mood, and I have all these idea's, I kinda just HAVE to write. It's like I NEED to write it. A bunch of punk kids kicked down some of my fence boards last night, so today I get to be a CMC fence repairman. I'm actually kind of happy that I have something to do, while I cement the next part of the story in my mind before I write it. Again, I'm probably going to take a LONG time writing this next part because it's got Zecora in it, so if I don't update for a while, don't worry, I'm working on it. On the flipside I really like how the story is turning out, all your comments and feedback are great!
As tyber zahn says.... quality over quantity! If you have writers block, dont force out the content. Give your readers some credit, we wont go running just because you get a little delayed! Even though HiE fics are almost everywhere we turn, you still have an intriging and quite original concept!
Rather than you writing 4 chapters you dont like, where you end up either;
A - Droping the story as a whole.
B - Deleting the bad chapters, back to square one and rewrite said chapters.
C - Or even worse. Keeping the bad chapters and piledrive the whole story consept into the ground!
While I wait eagerly every time, for a new chapter to come out. There is no problem, what so ever, with you taking your time to get the chapters done right.
I do like that you wont hurry his ability to adapt into Ponyville. Personaly, I hope he ends up ''settling'' inside the Everfree forest, somewhat like Zecora. Not like an emo, but more like the ''taking responsebilty'' in not disturbing the ''balance'' in Ponyville too much.
As you have made Davis into a man, who has his wits with him. Are you going to set him to attack the matter of finding out why he cant use is power on many of the things in the Everfree forest?
If you will, I can maybe help you in forming a simple idea or theory of why that is!
But what are your plans when it comes to, and I will use it loosely, ''shipping''? Because like you allready have announced that Davis wont be ponified (Thank you for that) I dont get the feeling that Davis, ends up shipping, with anyone in the traditional way. But more like a parental father/uncle figure for Scootalo (something like a guardian angel), like you somewhat have loosly set!
We can, and I will wait patiently for the next chapter.
Get yourself some well derserved rest. You've earned it, and more!
189461 Truth be told, while I don't like writing too much at once, when I get started I don't want to stop. Sure my head hurts a bit afterward, but I'm also glad I got to get my idea's out and don't have to hold on to them. Kind of like writing something down, that way you can let yourself forget about it. And I don't have to worry about the story turning out crappy, because I pretty much have the whole thing in my head BEFORE I even start writing the chapter. As for the reason why he has difficulty with his power in the Everfree, It's explained that creatures with more stamina are harder to drain completely, and timber wolves are just animated trees, they don't tired out in the first place because they are animated magically. His powers DO work when it comes to replenishing himself, but not as effective an offensive tool. It's not just the things in the forest. When he knocked out the workers at his old job, they had all been working late into the night, and were tired to begin with. The soldiers chasing him had been running for quite some time trying to catch him, and the first manticore had chased him for a half hour. They were already tired by the time he tried draining them, but because of this, he overestimated his abilities. As for him settling in the Everfree, I have something along that lines, but not exactly, you'll just have to wait and find out. Davis/Nightshade is starting to get mad at Lyra who keeps pestering him and still doesn't know he's in Equestria, while she's getting mad that he keeps brushing her off. Figuring that he's in the same world as her, he doesn't want her to find that out or he'll NEVER get and peace and quiet.
As for shipping, yes there will be a relationship, but only after a very rocky start. You might be able to guess who it is from looking at his personality, but I'm not giving you any hints!
189534 Ah, a strategic writer I see!
OK. it just seemed like when he was on Earth, he had no problem replenishing energy from trees, but in Equestria (more spesific Everfree forest), he could only replenish with the use of the minor flora, and not the trees (maybe the trees in the everfree is ''corrupt''), thus also being unable to use his power on the timber wolfs.
As for the part regarding the manticores and other lager beings, the ''rules'' was well explained in the chapter, so that I got that.
As to why I was ledd to belive that, was because of the nightshade incident.
''Trying to pass his illness onto something else, he noticed that he could not, and he kept vomiting.''
''...and a path of wilting plants in it's wake. Davis looked like death incarnate.''
I thought that flowers, shrubbery and bushes wilt. While trees ''dies''.
When it came to the part of his limitations on how much he could drain, I imagined two ''containers'' one for ''life'' and the other for ''stamina''.
While ''life'' can just be extended till the point where Davis/Nightshade could call himself immortal, but it only affected his aging prosess and not that he absorb a life and keep as a spare life (like a certain italian plumber munches green 1UP mushrooms).
While ''stamina'' is a fixed container that depends on his fitness and can not be ''overflowed'', thus limit it as a offensive skill against creatures like manticores, hydras and dragons.
But when it comes to poison, he can transfere the injuries and effects, but not the poisen itself.
Would that mean that the poisen actually tries to kill him constantly till his immune system deals with it, and must thus over time dissipate the poisons injury and effects as they come (thus making Fluttershy think he was ''Death'')?
Or would the effects and injury also be like a ''container'' with a set amount, and then the poisen would just become a strange harmless body of ''plasma/goo''?
Please correct my imagery if I got it wrong.
As for the rest, I will wait for the surprise!
189937 You got it! You are absolutely right in every aspect. He can only have ONE life. It's not like he could steal someone else's to have in addition to his own. Now, if he were to say, DIE, then.....crap no no no nonononono now I'm giving away some of the future plot. And life DOES act like a container with a fixed amount, same as health and stamina. It's not like TF2 where he can 'overheal' he has to use it up before he can take more. You got that completely right! As for when he was like walking death, you were right with the first one. The poison is constantly trying to kill him, so he had to bear it while his body was damaged, as the effects came. You got it completely right. You are so smart.
189937 Also, if you hadn;t noticed in the actual episodes of the show, many of the trees are dead or dying. Also, animals have much more life energy capability than plant life. For example. To gain one year of life span, he'd have to sap about 30 or so years from a tree. Same as with passing off his injuries. At the point with the nightshade plant, he was just sucking life from freaking EVERYTHING in a 40 foot radius, trying to keep himself alive. It's a very fast acting poison, while the manticore venom was a bit slower.
189970 I am so smart! S.M.R.T... I mean S.M.A.R.T!
189986 well...... A diffrent world can have diffrent rules....
Take zap-apple trees for example. Until told otherwise, we can assume that they are native to the Everfree forest where Granny Smith found them. And these trees seem to be either dead or dying, but that is just the natruall state of them until they ''bloom''.
BUY HEY..... Its your fic AND your theory do seem a bit more probable than my wish-wash bingo-bongel-dingel-dangel yike-di-do.yike-di-da-ping-pong lippi-lappi-too-taa!
Damn its fun to be crazy!
190477 You're right, it IS fun to be crazy, but only if it's mania and not dementia. I have tasted both, and found the former to my liking.
Ugh, i cant belive i'm about to say this... Oh well, here goes!
MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!
FROST!
191446 Ask, and you shall receive! It has been given freely!
Also, somepony want to come up with some cover art? I'm a writer, not an artist, anything I make in terms of lines and colour would look worse than if Sweetie Belle drew it. Come on, you KNOW you want to. Pretty please?
Once I find one I really like, I'll add it and make an update chapter giving you a shoutout. Post da links in da comment section.
I'll admit, I found the Psychic Applejack thing to be quite funny, although I didn't realise it was supposed to be a tf2 reference. I notice that most of these human in equestria stories seem to involve Applejack owning any would-be thieves, and you handled it quite well.
191798 Well thank ya kindly. And again, I figured most people would figure it out, and putting the reference in the story itself didn't seem to fit, but in case someone didn't get it, I put the explanation in the blog. I thought it would be kind of funny, getting bucked in the apples. God knows how many times that happened to me in high school, till I started doing it back.
Well, I've never been bucked in the apples myself, but I did manage to punch myself there once (don't ask) and I didn't think it was very funny at the time. Also, and I really should have thought to say this in my first comment, I'm quite impressed with the whole story. It has an original concept, it's well written, and your update speed is nothing short of incredible considering the length of the chapters. Therefore, have some stars and a Derpy.
Woot! I just found out my story is in the popular stories sidebar with 25 readers.
So awesome! You guys rock you know that?
ARTICLE 2
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/08/story-article.html
The End
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1219/The-End
Order from Chaos
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/09/story-order-from-chaos.html
Human
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5590/Human
Last Man Standing
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/11/story-conversion-bureau-last-man.html
Arddun Lleuad
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/04/story-arddun-lleuad.html
And your's are the HiE fanfics i have enjoyed the most (as well as My Little Dashie), see if any of those cath your eye.
Also The Conversion Bureau - Yellowstone is a good one, if you're in the mood for some ligth reading with kickass action (in my opinion is like reading a Tarantino movie, really fun if a little bit silly)
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/story-conversion-bureau-yellowstone.html
191859 Thanks, I'll be sure to check them out!
I look forward to the next chapter!
191598 And I thank you, kind sir!
Lols.
FROST!
D'aaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
what would happen if he encountered something with an infinite amount of stamina?
194114 are you thinking about something like a dragon or a hydra?
I think its unlikely that there would be an encounter, based on that hydras probably stays in the swamp and not in the forest and dragons live in the mountains.
For any other creature, it must be a fan-made creature in the forest. Or maybe Lune visiting the old castle in the everfree forest!
Before I read the spoiler paragraph, I was begining to wonder if the mane 6 or the orphanage would go "where are scootalo going all the time?" and then follow her to the cabin. And thus reveal the "local forest monster". But hey... This works just as well!
he said something about being "immortal" i take he does that by stealing the years someone has of their life. if he did this to an already immortal being would he steal their immortallity? if yes couldnt he do this to discord to kill two birds one stone. killed the immortal spirit of chaos. immortality GET!