59w, 2dHuman in Equestria
I walked inside the Carousel Boutique. The colour scheme of the boutique was pink and purple. There were mirrors with gold trim everywhere, some of which were mounted in front of desks that looked as though they were used for putting on make-up. In the center of the room, there was a small platform with three mirrors around it. There were several… Pony-quins, in the room as well that were displaying different outfits.
Uggghhhhhhh… Fashion-y shit… Bleghhhhh…
Well, we’re only here for a while, so calm your tits.
Uggghhhhhhhhh… Can we go home now? I’m hungryyyy, are we there yet? I’m booooored…
God, do you know how friggin’ childish you are?
As childish as you are.
I am not childish, you are!
No y- Oh my God, I’m arguing with myself over how childish I am. I need mental help. Now.
YOU DON’T SAY.
I started looking at the outfits on display in order to take my mind off my childish nature. I went closer to one of them that was covered in different coloured gemstones.
“Are these real gemstones?” I asked myself poking at one of the larger rubies on the outfit.
Hey… Hey… You should totally steal these gems… No one will notice… We need the c-
“Why, hello there darling!” Rarity called out as she entered the room.
OH SHIT SON! ABANDON OPERATION GEM-STEALER IMMEDIATELY!! LOOK INNOCENT YOU SON OF A BITCH! LOOK INNOCENT!!!
“Oh, hello Rarity.” I said moving away from the pony-quin attempting to hide the fact I had been poking at her outfits.
WE WEREN’T GOING TO STEAL THE GEMS OFF THE CLOTHES!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A HORRIBLE THING? I MEAN YOU’D HAVE TO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MORALS IN ORDER TO EVEN BEGIN CONSIDERING SOMETHING LIKE THAT! THAT’S SIMPLY PREPOSTOROUS!
“You’re a few minutes early I see… Where’s Matt?”
“Matt had something to do at Sugar Cube Corner before he came here. He should be here soon though, don’t worry.”
“That’s quite alright, my dear.” She replied “Do you like it?” she said walking over to the pony-quin I was standing next to.
“Well, yes, it’s a beautiful dress…” I tried to think of how to word this without insulting her.
IT’S SHIT. IT’S TOTAL FUCKING SHIT. I HATE THIS FUCKING DRESS. IT LOOKS STUPID. YOU’RE STUPID FOR EVEN MAKING THIS DRESS.
Yes. The exact opposite of what he said.
“I quite like gemstones, but I personally wouldn’t think of wearing clothes with gemstones on them.”
“Ehh, I suppose it’s just my taste. I like gems of all kinds. Just not on my clothes, y’know what I mean?”
“I suppose.” Rarity said with obvious supressed disagreement in her voice. “So, this means I won’t have to use any gemstones in your clothing then?”
“Yeah, if possible.”
“Oh, of course it’s possible, my dear. Not all of my outfits are as glamorous as these are.”
Bro, I think she was trying to say you’re un-fabulous. WHAT’CHU GOT TO SAY TO THAT?
Nothing. I don’t want to be considered fabulous, thank you.
“Well, I may as well get started with you then, come along darling.” Rarity said as she put on hoof on the stairs.
Hee-hee, she called you ‘darling’…
Yaaaay… I like that… I don’t know why…
She guided me up the stairs to her ‘inspiration room’ which really just seemed to be her bedroom with a lot of cloth and papers with designs for outfits lying around. There were several pony-quins without clothes on next to the window on the opposite side of the room from the door. There was a shelf with rolls and rolls of every colour of cloth imaginable. Next to the shelf was a desk with a sewing machine and just as many spools of thread as there were rolls of cloth. Across from that was a large bed that looked incredibly comfortable, but I had to resist the urge to jump on it and go to sleep. Rarity picked up a measuring tape with her magic and brought it over to me.
“Stand up straight for a moment please.” She asked. I stood up straight as the measuring tape floated around me and measured my body and limbs. “So what kind of clothes did you want, my dear? Formal, casual, what did you have in mind?”
“Well,” I started saying as I watched the measuring tape start measuring the circumference of my head.
What do I want again? I can only think hats right now, but only if they’re from Team Fortress 2.
You’re a fucking idiot.
I really want a Towering Pillar of Hats hat... Oh right!
“I really just wanted mostly casual clothing. Like what I’m wearing right now. I did want a couple outfits that are formal, for the occasional outing that they’ll be necessary for. Erm, you guys have winter here, right?”
“Of course we do, darling, why do you ask?” she said finally putting the measuring tape down on her desk.
“We don’t have winter where I’m from. Before I came here, I lived on an island, you see. So we didn’t get winter. It’s sunny all year long. It sounds great and all, but really, it’s just uncomfortable because of the heat.” I stated. I took a step over to Rarity who was drawing up something.
“Wait, no, stay there and talk, I’m trying to draw up an outfit for you.” She said before I could take another step.
“Err… So just stay here then?” I said without moving from the spot I was in.
“Yes, my dear, that’s fine.”
“Okay, right, uhh… Another thing about my clothes, could you make them so they’ve got some room to breathe? I really don’t like wearing clothes that stick to me. No matter if it’s hot or cold or anything…”
“That won’t be a problem, my dear.” She said.
Nothing to do? Let’s start thinking about the latest porn we watched!
Why the fuck not?
Because I said so. I am going to think about rabbits instead.
Ah, furry porn then…
You’re an asshole.
Anal furry porn? Boy, you really want to think about some kinky shit right now.
I waited a few minutes while she drew up designs, furiously erasing any mistakes she had made. From what I could see, the designs were only for suits so far.
“That should do the trick!” She said and suddenly, several scissors floated in the air along with several needles threaded with different colours and different colour pieces of cloth that were black, green, red, white and blue.
In the blink of an eye, four outfits were ready and were floating in the air in front of me. Two of these outfits were simply t-shirts with long pants which weren’t quite jeans, but were close enough. One of these outfits consisted of a green t-shirt coupled with a pair of black long pants. The other was a red shirt with blue long pants that looked very much like a pair of normal jeans. The other two outfits were full suits, one of which was black with a green tie and white undershirt. The other was red with a white undershirt with a blue tie.
I like them. I like them a lot. On a scale of yellow to potato, I enjoy them 1.21 Jigawatts.
I don’t know what that means…
IT MEANS I LIKE THEM YOU RETARD.
“So, do you like these outfits?” Rarity asked with a hint of worry in her voice.
“Like them...?” I started still staring at the suits. I paused for a moment for effect. “I LOVE these!” Rarity sighed with relief that her first attempts at human clothes were successful. “These suits are awesome! They’re actually just what I wanted!”
“Well, I’m glad you like them, darling.” Rarity replied happily. “Do you like the colour scheme I picked for you?”
“Yes, these are all my favourite colours, how did you know? Please, for my other clothes, keep these colours please. I don’t like yellows and such in my clothing. These colours are absolutely perfect!”
“No problem, my dear. Now, is there anything else you had in mind?” She asked.
We are going to require undergarments. Of all kinds.
Good luck with this situation, I’m gonna go grab a chair, some popcorn and a big-ass soda and watch this shit unfold.
Wait! I need you for this! Come back!
. . .
Gerderrmit… Oh well…
“Actually, there’s just one more thing, but it’s really just extra wardrobe rather than entire outfits.” I stated.
Here we go…
“Well what is it my dear?” Rarity asked looking puzzled.
Well, I may as well go with the safe requests first.
“I wanted a couple more of the shirts like this.” I said pointing at the white undershirt inside the suit. “One just like this that’s black. Another shirt I wanted was like this shirt I’m wearing now but in red.” I said tugging at the green, short-sleeved dress shirt I was wearing over my white t-shirt like a jacket.
“No problem my dear, was there anything else?”
“I’ll need some socks as well…”
“Darling, I can tell you’re holding something back. Tell me, what is it?”
“Umm… Well…” I stammered. Rarity continued giving me a puzzled look.
Screw it, I’ll just say it, I have to.
“I don’t know if ponies wear these, but umm… I need… Undergarments.”
“What do you mean exactly?” She asked.
Oh shit. She doesn’t know about underwear. Oh shit. Well, this is gonna be the most awkward thing ever. I definitely can’t just show her, not now. I’ll describe it, yeah, I mean, it’s underwear, how hard can that be, right?
“Okay. Humans wear clothes, under our clothes. It has to do with perspiration and comfort and stuff like that. Men only wear boxer shorts which are basically shorts that have an elastic waistband. So, I’m asking if you could do up some stuff like that for me too.”
“I’m not entirely sure I understand what they are, what do they look like exactly? I can’t see how that would help anything with your clothing.”
Oh boy. Welp, I’m screwed; even Matt couldn’t save me from this. It was bound to happen. It’d either be me or him having this happen to them. I’ll have to show her… Oh boy…
PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! OH THIS IS PRICELESS!! I AM NEVER LETTING YOU FORGET THIS!!
“I’ll show you what I mean.” I said as I slowly pulled down my pants to reveal my dark green boxer shorts.
“Ah, that’s what you mean, well why didn’t you just show me earlier darling?”
LAWL WHAT?!?! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAA!!!
Oh God, oh God, what do I do? This isn’t good.
She started tugging at the boxers and poking at them, checking what kind of material they were made of and seeing that the waistband was elastic.
Stop her! Stop her!! STOP HER!!!
NO!! DON’T!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!
“Umm… Could you please not poke around there…? Please?” I said blushing and trying with all possible mental ability to think of something that would not be arousing.
“But my dear, I have to see what kind of material these are made of so I understand how to go about what I’m doing.” She replied still poking around. I covered my eyes in horror, praying to God I didn’t get a boner at this moment in time.
Don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner, don’t get a fucking boner…
ERECTIN’ A DISPENS- I mean... PENIS!
God-fucking-damnit, I hate having a penis right now. I really do. This is plain fucking ridiculous. If there was one time when I did not want a penis, it was right now.
Just at that moment, Matt opened the door and looked inside.
“Hey guys, sorry I’m la-” He stopped as he saw Rarity with her head in front of my crotch; one hoof raised and pulling at my boxers. I turned around and saw Matt. My concentration broke.
Dear Jesus H. Christ no.
ALL SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL! ERECTION SUCCESSFUL!... WHAT?!?! MATT?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HOLY FUCK THIS IS JUST LIKE A FRIGGIN’ SITCOM OR SOMETHING!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!
“This is going to sound completely cliché, but… It really is NOT what it looks like.” I replied in the calmest voice I could use.
“Umm… My dear…” Rarity blushed “It seems you’re a bit, umm, excited…?” I looked down in front of me to see my boxers bulging an extra six and a half inches that they shouldn’t be bulging. Rarity’s muzzle was hardly 2 inches away as she eyed Mr. Wong in shock. Rarity backed away blushing bright red.
Ahhhhh… That was hilarious… Oh fuck, now I’ll give you some good advice: Tell Rarity that it ain’t gonna suck itself. Right now. Do it. That will complete everything.
My expression turned from one of horror to one of complete indifference. I just could not see how this situation could get any worse unless the rest of the ponies I knew decided to walk in at this particular moment in time. I simply pulled up my pants. Did up my belt. Pulled up my zipper.
You fuckin’ queer… Can’t even listen to me when I give you a surefire way to acquire head.
“Rarity, I’m going to need about three more of the casual outfits as well as some boxer shorts, six should do, six pairs of socks and that should cover everything. Thank you. I’ll be downstairs trying to find the bottle of brain bleach.” I said as I turned and saw Matt standing in the door with his mouth agape. “It was gonna happen to either you or me, buddy.” I patted him on the back as I walked out the door.
I sat down on one of the chairs I found downstairs and awaited Rarity and Matt to come back down.
Well, that was fun!
You’re a cunt.
Yup! What’chu gonna do about it?
I’ll get you back someday. I don’t know how, but I will.
You’re gonna get yourself back for that? By embarrassing yourself more? Have fun with that, dipshit.
Wait, wh- Oh… Right. Fuck you.
In about half an hour, Matt came downstairs. He sat down in the chair opposite me.
“So…” He started, “You had trouble describing… Underwear…”
“Oh screw off, if you were in my position you probably would’ve done the same.” I replied with a slight bit of anger and a lot of embarrassment in my voice.
“I woul-… You’re probably right.”
“I know I’m right. I know you too well and you know me just as well. Our thoughts are very much alike, which is exactly why we’re awesome.”
Matt and I talked for the next hour or so about any and everything that came to our minds. That mostly consisted of talk of video games and funny pictures and videos we had seen in our travels to the internet. We didn’t touch on the Rarity Incident again. This was perfectly understandable.
NOT TO ME!
Rarity came downstairs at around quarter to three levitating a red suitcase and a blue suitcase with her; both seemed quite full of clothing.
“Here you are, boys.” She stated levitating the suitcases over to us “The red one is Matt’s and the blue one is Jimmy’s.”
“Rarity.” I started “I’m sorry about our… Incident earlier on.”
“It’s quite alright my dear.” She replied “I’m not a filly, I know how a boy’s parts work, its fine.”
There was a very brief silence.
“We’ve all agreed to never speak of that incident. Haven’t we?” She asked. I figured the question was somewhat rhetorical, but…
“Agreed.” Matt and I said simultaneously.
“Oh yes, Jimmy. I included some extra work clothes I made for you in there. Matt told me you were going to be working with Applejack, and I wouldn’t want you to get all your casual clothes ruined, so I put together some simple shirts for you that you can wear to work as well as some pants like the ones you and Matt are wearing. They breathe well so they won’t be too hot or anything of the sort.”
“Thank you, Rarity.” I replied “How much do we owe you?” I said taking out my wallet.
“Oh, don’t worry about it my dear, these outfits were a trial run, I won’t charge you for these.”
ARE YOU RETARDED?! SHE SAID THEY’RE FREE!! WHY ARE YOU PUSHING THIS?!
“No buts, I’ve made my decision. You’re not paying me for these.” I could see there was no swaying her. Something Matt had told me earlier about her being the element of generosity said that she wouldn’t budge from this.
“Thank you, Rarity, this really means a lot. We owe you.”
“You owe me nothing, my dear.” We said our goodbyes and left with our new wardrobes. As we started our walk home, hardly a few steps away from the boutique, me and Matt looked at each other for a brief moment and broke down in laughter.
“Dude” I said between a stream of laughter “That was the most AWKWARD thing ever!!!” I continued laughing the hardest I’d ever laughed.
“Oh my God!!!” was all Matt was able to muster between his laughs. Then we heard a voice calling to us.
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION THAT MOMENT AGAIN!!!” Rarity shouted from one of the windows on the second floor of the boutique.
From years of experience with females and a PhD in female behaviour, I can assure you that she mad.
“Sorry!” We shouted back. We picked up our suitcases and headed back to Sugar Cube Corner. That was a fun day.
Wonder what kind of madness will happen tomorrow?