58w, 5dHuman in Equestria
Matt awoke from a dream filled with sexy women doing dirty things to Mr. Happy to find himself back in his new reality. One that wasn’t exactly him forgetting to turn off his swag one night and waking up covered in bitches, but one where he was surrounded by ponies. Ponies with whom he was all friends with and enjoyed the company of greatly. He looked up at the ceiling as he lay in bed and remembered today was a day he had planned since he had arrived in Equestria. Yes. Today was the day. He was going to go to Sweet Apple Acres to do manual labour with Applejack. And a perfect day for that it would be. He got out of bed and performed his morning rituals. After those were done, he headed out of his room and into the hallway. As he passed by Jimmy’s room, he had a slight desire to see whether he was awake or not.
“Hark, ye appointed harlot of breakfast-construction!” Matt yelled at the top of his lungs while banging a heavy fist on Jimmy’s door. The door flung open to reveal a light-blue cannon in front of him. Matt’s brain was still not fully functioning as he put his head inside the cannon. His face touched something slightly sticky that smelled good, like cake icing. He licked the substance to find it was indeed cake icing and proceeded to lick it like a dog. Suddenly, he realised he was eating cake with his head stuck inside a cannon. This was not good. He heard a match light.
“OH SHI-” Matt attempted to yell as he was propelled out of the cannon with cake smeared on his face along with streamers and balloons of all colours and other party accessories. He landed on his back at the top of the stairs. The cannon rolled back inside Jimmy’s room and the door shut with a bang. Matt took this as a sign that Jimmy was indeed asleep before he started knocking. Matt stood up and headed downstairs while he licked what he could reach of the cake and icing off of his face. He entered the kitchen, taking a paper towel and wiping off what remained of the delicious cake that he had launched at him. He took an apple from the fridge as he was no longer that hungry and headed out the front door into the streets of Ponyville.
After a good fifteen minutes of walking and several failed attempts to create dubstep with his voice, he reached Sweet Apple Acres. He looked around for a sign of the orange mare he had sought out. He passed by the main house to see a barn in the distance. The barn looked like it had been through a war or two. The barn had scorch marks all over the outer walls and what Matt could see of the inside looked like someone had thrown a couple of grenades into it. Matt walked over to the barn to find Applejack muttering under her breath as she inspected the damage.
“Howdy Applejack!” Matt said cheerfully, Applejack turned to see Matt standing a few feet away from her.
“Howdy Matt! What brings you ‘round these parts?” She replied with a smile.
“Oh, I just wanted to stop by an-” He stopped and looked over the barn for a moment “Whoa, what happened here?”
“Well, Apple Bloom and her friends were trying to find their special talents so they could get their cutie marks and Ah reckon they overheard me complainin’ about all the repairs that have to get done on the barn an’ Ah said it be easier if we jus’ blew it up and started from scratch.” Applejack stated, she gestured a hoof towards one of the large scorch marks “As you can see, they took what Ah said a mite too seriously.”
“Where the hay did they find explosives?”
“Honestly sugar cube; Ah don’t even know. What Ah do know is Ah’m gonna have t’ fix up this thing by mahself while Big Macintosh takes over the apple buckin’ by himself for the next couple days.”
“Sounds like quite a task, anything I can do to help?” Matt asked, Applejack’s mind looked back to the last time she had heard those words and the grey pegasus who had said them to her.
“Well… Ah don’t know sugar cube, Ah’d really rather just handle this one on mah own.”
“Oh, come oooon! You'd be surprised what an advantage having thumbs provides when trying to fix things!” Matt asked in an almost whiny voice “Pleeeeeease?” He asked giving her the best attempt at puppy dog eyes he could muster. Applejack didn’t find the look very convincing, but she figured it would be difficult to sway him from his position on helping her.
“Alright sugar cube, you can help out.” She replied at last.
“Yaaay~” Matt said in his best impersonation of Fluttershy “So, what are we doing first?”
“Well, we may as well start from the outside an’ work our way in. So we’ll start with paintin’ these here walls.” She said lightly kicking some paint cans with a forehoof “Sound easy enough?”
“Eeyup.” Matt replied in his best impersonation of Applejack’s brother. This impersonation came off far better than his previous attempt at Fluttershy. He picked up a can of red paint and brush “So, which wall are we gonna do first then?”
“Ah s’pose we can start on this here wall.” Applejack replied taking a paintbrush in her mouth and dipping it in her own can of red paint. Matt followed suit and started painting the wall.
Three hours had passed by the time the duo had finished painting over all four outer walls of the barn. There were very few words between the two mainly because Applejack’s mouth was occupied with a paintbrush making any conversation very difficult. Matt wasn’t too upset about this, he was still getting to spend time with his favourite pony, but he would’ve greatly appreciated some conversation. Matt sat on a nearby hay-bale taking a breather. Painting was not the most strenuous of maintenance jobs, but the sun was still considerably hot today, which certainly took its toll. Another factor was that Matt wasn’t exactly used to manual labour. He was more of an indoor child. Even though he did have interest in outdoor activities, it didn’t prepare him well enough for this.
“Whew,” Matt gasped “Glad that’s over.” Applejack walked over chuckling.
“Heh heh… Sugar cube, we still got the inside of the barn to fix.” She said gesturing a hoof to the interior of the decimated barn.
“Oh… Right… Fuck.” Matt said flatly, Applejack chuckled again “Can we take a breather before starting that please?”
“Sure thing Matt, scoot over will ya?” She said gesturing a hoof for Matt to move himself over a bit so Applejack could sit next to him “You were awful quiet while we were paintin’. You alright sugar cube?”
“Oh yeah, I’m okay. Just… You had a brush in your mouth, I didn’t want you dropping it and stuff like that.” Matt replied after a very brief pause. Applejack chuckled.
“Alright, I guess that makes sense.” Applejack replied looking up at the clouds. Matt wanted to find out more about Applejack’s past. Like about her parents who had never been mentioned in the show. He recalled the only real backstory ever given about Applejack was in the episode entitled ‘The Cutie Mark Chronicles’ where the Cutie Mark Crusaders went around asking the mane six how they got their cutie marks.
“Say Applejack,” Matt started, Applejack shifted her gaze from the sky to the human sitting next to her “I’ve never heard you talk about your parents… Could you tell me about them?” He asked. Applejack exhaled loudly. Uh oh, Matt thought, sad story time.
“Well… Ah guess Ah could tell you. It’s better that I do rather than keepin’ it to mahself. At least that’s what ev’rypony tells me.” She replied with her eyes now eyeing the ground in front of the two. She looked back to Matt.
“My parents died when Ah was just a little filly.” She stated “Apple Bloom was only a baby when they went, so she couldn’t tell you nothin’ bout them. One morning, I went in their room to wake them up for breakfast. But... They wouldn’t wake up. Ev’rything was okay with them, they were healthy ponies, but… They just wouldn’t wake up that mornin’...” Matt could see tears forming in Applejack’s eyes.
“My God… I’m sorry, I didn’t know, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, we can-”
“No, it’s alright sugar cube…” Applejack said interrupting Matt while her own voice was breaking up “I can talk about it… I’m… Stronger now…”
Applejack took a breath, trying to recompose herself but failing miserably, losing herself in the memory of finding her parents dead that morning so many years ago. It may have been long ago, but that pain would never be healed by time. Matt knew that well. He couldn’t say he knew what it was like losing a parent, but he did know the sorrow death brought. Not necessarily to him, but to other people. Matt put an arm around her neck to console her, as he did, Applejack’s hooves wrapped around his torso and her face connected with his chest. She was sobbing even harder now. Matt didn’t know what to do other than return the hug. He certainly didn’t know what to say to the orange pony to calm her down. When it came to consoling people, or as it were, ponies, who were engulfed in grief; he was about as expert as Derpy was at repairing the town hall’s roof. Maybe in this case not to say anything was the better option however. Applejack’s sobbing became far less frequent now. She finally looked up to Matt.
“Huh,” She started “So much for bein’ stronger.” She said with an obviously broken smile. Matt wasn’t sure whether to laugh at Applejack’s attempt at humour or to do something else. What that something would be he wasn’t exactly sure of either. Applejack broke the embrace and wiped a tear from her eye with a hoof “Sugar cube, let’s talk about somethin’ else… Like you were sayin’ we should’ve.”
“Alright sure, but, why don’t you ask me a question? Seems only fair, doesn’t it?” Matt replied.
“Okay sugar cube,” She started “I know Jimmy’s story on how you ended up here in ‘Questria, but I don’t know yours or Paul’s. Mind tellin’ me your story?”
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Darkness. Goddamnit, not again. Just stay asleep for a change. Matt thought to himself as his eyes opened revealing the darkness around him. He felt around his head to put his pillow back underneath it; however there was no pillow there. Fuckin’ hell. He thought. The pillow must’ve fallen onto the floor. He tried reaching his arm over the side of his bed for his hand to be met with a dirt floor at the same level as the rest of his body.
Hmm… Matt thought to himself while bringing his hand down on the dirt twice more. I must say, this dirt feels quite realistic, good job subconscious. Matt opened his eyes again and sat up, looking around at his surroundings. A forest, but this one felt familiar. It was as if he had known it for a long time. At a first glance it reminded him of the woods he had seen at the beginning of the Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. But there was a distinct difference to these woods. There were many odd plants growing around the trees. Several ominous looking vines grew on the trunks of the surrounding trees and also hung down off of their branches.
“Everfree.” He said aloud “I’m in the Everfree forest.” He stood up observing his new and most likely temporary reality in more detail.
“Nice try brain, I’m not buying it though. This is just a dream.” He said taking a few steps forward. If this is a dream, then I want a tenor saxophone and I want one now. He thought to himself. Suddenly Matt’s foot connected with something solid. He looked down to find a hard leather case on the ground before him. He opened it to find an incredibly shiny tenor saxophone. Accompanying the saxophone were enough reeds to last him a very long time.
“Huh, well then, I want a humanised and horny Rarity standing behind me right now ready to have sex with me for hours and hours.” He said aloud in an attempt to make this wish come true. He turned around and saw no one standing behind him. His heart sank slightly. This feeling did not last long however, he noticed his backpack on the ground just a couple feet from where his head was a moment ago. He opened the bag to find it contained his laptop, power cable and mouse and a change of clothes.
“Subconscious, I don’t think you heard me properly.” He shouted “I said I want a humanised and horny Rarity standing behind me right now ready to have sex with me. Now when I turn around, she better be there!” He paused a moment and turned quickly. He didn’t find a human Rarity. It wasn't Rarity at all. It certainly wasn’t a human either. It wasn’t even a pony. A manticore stared into Matt’s eyes. Matt sighed loudly and unzipped his fly.
"This'll do for now I suppose... Ain't gonna suck itself, big guy. Let's get this over with." Matt said approaching the manticore which let out a deafening roar in Matt's face lowering his hearing to eighty percent for the next six turns.
“Alright, maybe not.” Matt said quietly zipping his fly back up, the manticore let out another deafening roar, showing Matt its incredibly sharp and bloodstained teeth which had bits of flesh still stuck to them. These teeth were surely there because they were all the better to chew him up with. Hearing reduced to sixty percent for the next six turns. Matt jumped back slinging his backpack onto his back while avoiding a claw that swung towards him. He darted past the manticore stopping only for a brief moment to pick up the saxophone case that sat on the ground behind it and continuing his swift retreat.
“OH GOD HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!” Matt yelled as he ran through the forest with the manticore gaining on him “SUBCONSCIOUS I WANT A GUN AND I NEED IT NOW!!!” He shouted in desperation, while searching his pants with his free hand trying to find a gun that wasn’t there. Matt was slowly coming to terms with the fact that this might not be a dream. The wind that blew past him as he ran felt all too real. Everything was far too real for a dream. Then again, everything he was seeing was surely something he would see in a dream. Suddenly Matt tripped on a root that jutted out of the ground, ensnaring his left foot sending him tumbling to the ground face first. As his body collided with the ground, all doubt he was dreaming vanished. He fell. The sensation of the fall surely would have woken him up, but it didn’t. Shaking this thought from his mind, he freed his foot from the seemingly evil tree root that his foot had snagged on and was about to get up when the manticore leaped in front of Matt.
This is how it ends?! Matt thought to himself. I’m in THE REAL Equestria for FIVE FRICKIN’ MINUTES AND I’M GONNA DIE NOW?!!??!
“HELL FUCKIN’ NO!!” Matt shouted as he gave that manticore a right hook to the face. Manticores love right hooks to the face. The manticore recoiled just long enough for Matt to pick up his fallen belongings and start running again. The manticore roared again and continued its pursuit. Matt stopped as he reached a cliff that if he jumped off of it would lead to a very quick death amongst the poison joke flowers that covered the pit. Matt turned to find the manticore walking slowly towards him. Matt turned to look at the bottom of the cliff again. His fate was certainly sealed…
He looked to the sky, the sun shone brightly through the branches and leaves of this area, unlike the place he had woken up in. But it wasn’t that. It was a long vine that hung down just a couple feet’s jump away from the cliff. If Matt could swing on it and jump to the vine that followed it and finally to the other side of the pit, he could escape his certain death with the manticore. It sounded far better to die instantly at the bottom of a pit than being torn apart by a manticore. Matt took a breath. He ran towards the manticore giving it a swift kick to the snout, making it recoil once again. Matt fixated his eyes on the vine in front of him. He turned back around and ran towards the edge of the cliff.
“It’s just a hop, skip and A JUUUUUUUMMMP!!!” He shouted as he leapt from the cliff and grabbing the vine hardly a second later. The vine swung forward towards the next vine. Matt quickly turned to face the manticore and saluted before jumping to the second vine. Finally, Matt jumped to the platform of rock at the high point of his swing on the second vine to victory.
“WOOOOOO!!!” He shouted as he stood up from his jump “Idiiiid it~! Idiiiid it~! Idiiiid it~!” He said to himself in a sing-song manner. The manticore at the other side of the chasm roared loudly, stopping Matt’s celebration for a brief moment as he cowered in fear before noticing the manticore had no way of reaching him.
“Hey! Hey! You mad, faggot?!” Matt shouted back at the manticore, laughing at the manticore’s plight.
“He is surely not glad, so he must be mad.” A voice replied, making Matt jump again. He turned to find a zebra standing behind him watching. Zecora. Matt thought as he pieced together the simple puzzle in his head: Zebra + Everfree Forest + Rhyme = Zecora.
“Oh yeah, he mad.” Matt said as he picked up his saxophone case again and started walking towards Zecora “Say, could you tell me help me point out how to get out of these woods to get me to Ponyville?”
“You are quite far from Ponyville you see. But do not worry about that, just follow me.” She said walking away from Matt. Matt followed Zecora as she escorted him out of the woods. There was no conversation between the two as they were on their route out of the forest. Matt wasn’t entirely sure what to say to her and he felt that Zecora was the same.
After about an hour of walking, the pair reached the outside of the Everfree forest. To Matt’s right was Fluttershy’s cottage. He recognised it immediately and knew what he had to do next.
“Thank you for leading me out of the forest Zecora, sorry I wasn’t much of a talker in there. I’m really… New here.” Matt said to the kind zebra who had led him here. She chuckled.
“Do not worry Matt, I can see that.” She started “I’m sure we’ll meet again and when we do, you will have sought me out, farewell until then…” Zecora said as she vanished back into the woods. Matt tried looking for her, but could not find any trace of the zebra. Something crossed his mind.
“Wait a minute, how the hell did she know my name?” He asked himself out loud. Then he thought to what he had said to her just moments before. He said her name too. She must’ve thought the same.
“Anyway, that’s not important.” Matt said dismissing the thought from his mind “To Fluttershy’s!” He said walking towards Fluttershy’s cottage. He went to knock on the door but he stopped himself.
“Wait, Fluttershy’s very… Shy. How is she going to react to meeting a human?” Matt asked himself. Surely she would retreat upon sight of him. That's pretty likely. Maybe she wouldn’t and she’d ask him if he was lost and then turn into a human and become his girlfriend and they would have hot, steamy sex every day and night. Nah, that wouldn’t happen. Maybe she would tackle him and try to kill him with fire and feed him to her animals after performing some kind of satanic ritual. Nigga, the fuck am I smoking? That wouldn’t happen either! GOD! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! The most likely reaction was for Fluttershy to be afraid. He didn’t want to scare Fluttershy. He turned to walk away from the house but paused.
“Agghhhh fuck it.” Matt said turning back and knocking on the door “She might not even be home.” The door opened and standing in the doorway was Fluttershy’s rabbit Angel.
“Oh no.” Matt said realising just how screwed he was. Matt could see a green health bar in the upper left corner of his vision with his name underneath it. Angel jumped up and performed a sixteen-hit combo of kicks and punches on Matt’s face sending him toppling over the fence behind him and into a bush below.
Matt’s health bar was at sixty percent now. He got out of the bushes after shaving off an extra five percent from his health due to a couple of scratches. He looked around for that poorly named white rabbit. Unless ‘angel’ was supposed to be in the sense of ‘Angel of death’, he couldn’t possibly see why Fluttershy would name that rabbit such a misleading name. He heard a rapid tapping behind him. Angel was standing there with his arms folded staring Matt down.
“Now listen Angel, I do- AGH!!!” Matt was interrupted by a rabbit-pimp-slap to the face followed by a cookbook. Matt’s health was down to forty five percent and the bar’s colour had changed from green to yellow and was flashing dimly.
“Shit’s on like Donkey Kong now son!” Matt yelled as he picked up the cookbook that lay on the ground in front of him. Matt gave a loud battle-cry that made him sound like a member of the Al-Qaeda as he ran towards the rabbit with the cookbook in both hands raised above his head.
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After an hour of brawling with the white rabbit, the rabbit was now captured and under the control of Matt. Matt held Angel in front of him by the ears. Matt’s clothes were ruffled and his arms and face bore some small cuts while Angel’s fur was ruffled and was bleeding from the mouth slightly. The cuts Matt had received were from when Angel had called for chicken reinforcements. Matt could’ve sworn he had seen an orange and purple chicken amongst his feathery white attackers. But none of that mattered anymore. He had his enemy firmly grasped in his grip, unable to escape or fight with him anymore.
“Now…” Matt started as he gasped for breath “You listen to me… When Fluttershy comes home… And she sees you like this… Do you know what you’re gonna tell her?” Angel simply looked at him with eyes full of anger.
“Well… You’re gonna tell her… You fell down some stairs… You understand me, motherfucker?” Angel continued to glare at Matt as he nodded slowly. Matt’s health bar was at five percent and was flashing red. The health bar slowly started moving up to six percent once Angel had finished nodding.
“I’m gonna put you down now… And you’re gonna go back inside…” Matt said looking Angel in the eyes. Angel nodded slowly, keeping up his angry glare. Matt placed Angel on the ground cautiously and released his ears. Angel hopped away quickly and slammed the door to Fluttershy’s cottage. Matt let out a sigh of relief and looked over to the chickens who lay on the grass panting.
“Same goes for you motherfuckers… You fuckers all fell down some stairs too…” Matt said as he picked up his belongings and headed down the dirt road to Ponyville…
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“… Then I made my way to Sugar Cube Corner and met you guys.” Matt said finishing his story and finishing hammering the last nail into a plank of wood.
“That’s quite a story y’got there sugar cube, you told anyone else that story yet?” Applejack asked.
“No, you’re the first. I guess I’ll tell Jimmy and Paul tonight. In fact, I don’t even know how they ended up here.”
“Well, looks like we’re finished up here.” Applejack said looking around the barn. The barn now looked like it had only been built today. There was no more evidence that there had been a series of explosions inside it in an attempt to destroy the structure. “Thanks fer all yer help Matt.”
“Ahh, no problem AJ.” Matt said smiling “Looks like new in here, doesn’t it?”
“Heh, it sure as sugar does!” Applejack replied “I gotta pay you fer yer troubles, how much do Ah owe ya?”
“What? AJ, nah, come on. You don’t need to pay me for helping you out.”
“Come on now, Ah’m serious, Ah gotta give you somethin’! You helped out a lot today, it would’ve taken me ages to git all this here work done by mahself!”
“AJ, I’m not taking money for helping you out… However…” Matt grinned at Applejack.
“What d’ya have in mind?” AJ asked.
“Oh ho ho, I think you know what I’ve got in mind…” Matt said in a smooth voice as he approached Applejack slowly.
"Zap apple jam?" Applejack asked rhetorically.
"HELL YEAH!!" Matt yelled enthusiastically.
“Thanks AJ!” Matt said waving as he went on his way home with his newly acquired apple pies and jar of zap apple jam.
“No problem sugar cube! See ya tonight at Rarity’s!” She replied as she headed back inside the main house. Matt paused as he saw a rainbow form over his head that stopped at the door to the main house. Matt continued walking when he saw that it was just Rainbow Dash and not a pot of gold that suddenly appeared in front of the Apple’s house.
After the fifteen minute walk home, Matt opened the front door to find a very quiet house. Odd. He thought. Matt looked at the watch he had attached to his belt and saw it was a few minutes past four o’clock. Usually Octavia would be in the living room playing piano while Vinyl watched her around this time in the afternoon. He noticed the bag of apple pies and zap apple jam becoming increasingly heavy in his hand. At that moment, he decided he didn’t want to be walking around with it for the whole day and headed to the kitchen.
As he entered the kitchen, the sight that he held before him was one that he obviously was not meant to see. Octavia was standing on her hind legs, pressed against the counter by Vinyl. Both ponies were locked in a very, very passionate kiss as they ran their hooves through each other’s manes.
“Hey guys.” Matt said nonchalantly opening the fridge and depositing the three apple pies inside. It wasn't the first time he had seen the two like this and certainly wouldn't be the last.
He took the peanut butter out of the fridge and was about to put it on the kitchen counter when Vinyl lifted Octavia onto the counter and continued kissing her. Matt paused for a moment before deciding he might be better off making a sandwich on the kitchen table. He took the bread out of the bread box. The bread was nearly swatted from his hand by a stray hoof belonging to Octavia kicked out when Vinyl moved her hoof to Octavia’s flank.
“MATT!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” Matt heard his own voice call out. He looked to his left shoulder to see a small version of himself dressed in red armour. This tiny clone had horns and bat wings as well as a small dark red trident.
“Making a sandwich…?” He asked the small red clone. The devil Matt flew up to Matt’s face and smacked him with the back of his right hand.
“You retarded or something?!” Devil Matt asked loudly “You have not just one, but TWO women in this house! And you’re making YOURSELF A SANDWICH?!?!”
“But they’re…” Matt pointed to the two mares in the act of making love turning his eyes to them. Matt’s boner was somewhat confused at this point in time “… Occupied.” Devil Matt face-palmed with his right hand and slapped Matt across the face again with the other.
“It’s like you’ve turned gay or something! What happened? That rabbit kickin’ your ass two weeks ago turned you queer? You better speak the fuck up and get those bitches to make you a fuckin’ sandwich right now!”
“Matt, don’t listen to that idiot.” Matt heard another voice like his own coming from his right shoulder. He looked to see a tiny clone of himself dressed in a white tuxedo with angel wings and a halo above his head smoking a pipe while wearing a golden monocle.
“Oh fuck, I thought I tied your stupid ass up!” Devil Matt shouted.
“Tied me up? It’s a wonder you manage to keep your shoes tied if that was what you call a knot!” Angel Matt replied taking a puff from his pipe.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Devil Matt retorted.
“Oh that’s right; you wear Velcro shoes, how silly of me for not remembering.” Angel Matt shot back with a grin. Devil Matt’s body shook in anger, but he then remembered the entity he represented and turned to Matt.
“I DON’T SEE YOU TELLIN’ A BITCH TO MAKE YOU A SANDWICH!” He shouted into Matt’s face.
“Matt, listen to reason:” Angel Matt said hovering in front of Matt’s face “While I do agree with Devil Matt that these mares should indeed be making you a sandwich, this is obviously not the best time. I’m also quite sure you wouldn’t want to have two angry mares against you for interrupting what should be their… Alone time.” Angel Matt stated as Octavia let out a yelp of pleasure. Matt’s eyes glanced to Octavia for a moment and quickly fixated his eyes back on the two apparitions before him.
“What’s it gonna be son?” Devil Matt asked “You gonna be a bitch and make your own sandwich like a bitch? Or are you gonna be MAN and get them to make your fuckin' sandwich?!” Matt exhaled sharply as the two apparitions flew to the shoulders they appeared on.
“Excuse me, ladies…?” Matt asked.
“Oh for God’s sake…” Angel Matt sighed. Matt ignored his angel and looked back to the two mares going at it.
“Could one of you girls…” Matt paused. He wasn’t sure they were even hearing him. And if they were, they surely didn’t care.
“COME ON!!!!” Devil Matt shouted “BE A MAN!!! GET YOUR RIGHTFULLY EARNED SANDWICHES FROM THESE BITCHES!!!”
“Could…” Matt tried again “…One of you girls… You know… Make me a sandwich?” The two mares took no notice of him. Angel Matt sighed loudly putting a hand to his head. Devil Matt just looked at the two mares astounded at how foolish they could be ignoring the order given to them.
“HOW DARE THESE BITCHES NOT LISTEN TO YOU!!!” Devil Matt shouted “ASK THEM AGAIN!!! LOUDER THIS TIME!!!” Matt sighed and took his bread, peanut butter and zap apple jam off the table and exited to the dining room with his head hung in shame leaving Devil Matt and Angel Matt floating in the air where Matt stood. They flew after the clearly distressed Matt to find him making his own sandwich with tears streaming from his eyes. Angel Matt and Devil Matt rested on Matt’s left shoulder.
“Told you.” Angel Matt said putting his pipe in his mouth.
“You’re a real bitch, y’know that?” Devil Matt said “Letting those mares get off so easy…” Matt continued weeping as he made his sandwich. Once his tear-infused-peanut-butter-and-zap-apple-jam sandwich had been created, Matt deposited the ingredients back in the kitchen and sauntered upstairs to his room with his sandwich in hand…
“… And then Vinyl woke me up some time later by prodding me with her hoof telling me to stop being a sleepy bitch and get ready for Rarity’s party.” Matt said finishing his story.
“Huh… Did they ever notice you in the kitchen?” I asked.
“Vinyl says she didn’t, I don’t know about Octavia but… Yeah, whatever, doesn’t matter.”
“Huh, cool story bro, tell it again.”
“Fuck you man, also, where’s your cool story about what you did today?” Matt asked. I paused for a moment contemplating what to tell him exactly. My day was too complicated to put into words. Even telling it out play by play was difficult.
“Well…” I started “Let’s just say I had really fuckin’ weird day. Long story short, I’m not allowed in certain areas of Fillydelphia due to an incident involving Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and large quantities of different herbs and spices combined with fried chicken.” Matt gave me a very concerned and almost frightened look as I finished my sentence.
“Jesus man, what the hell happened?” He asked “Did you meet up with the ghost of Colonel Sanders or something?”
“One might say something like that… Another might say somepony summoned him from the grave… That same other might go on to say it’s the only way we would be able to save the town. Obviously, that certain somepony wasn’t all that correct in their analysis of their situation.” An awkward pause was shared as Matt tried to piece together what exactly could have happened to me this morning as I did the same in my own mind.
“Anyway, g’night!” I said leaving the room. I walked up the stairs to my room and opened the door. A light blue cannon rolled into the doorway. A delicious scent filled the air.
“I smell CAKE FROSTING!” I said diving into the cannon to find the source of this glorious scent so that I may eat it. As my face collided with the cake on the inside of the cannon, I began to munch on it. Suddenly I realised I was stuck head-first inside of Pinkie’s party cannon.
“Oh fuck no… NOT AGAIN!!!” I shouted as I was blasted out of the cannon into the hallway with my face covered in cake and icing.
“DAMMIT PINKIE THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME TODAY YOU’VE DONE THAT TO ME!!!” I shouted to Pinkie who I was sure was somewhere nearby. A light giggle filled the air of the hallway. I sighed and entered my bedroom, the party cannon was no longer present in the doorway and had magically vanished from my room. I closed my bedroom door and decided I was going to need a shower… For the fifth and hopefully final time today... Oh boy…
Sorry about the THREE FRICKIN' WEEK LONG wait for this chapter. Two factors impacted this chapter's release:
Factor 1 - I started writing another fic which I got really caught up in and took up all my inspiration. If you like Star Wars, you WILL like that fic. The minimum knowledge of Star Wars you need for that fic is pretty much just what happened in Revenge of the Sith and The Force Unleashed (or possibly just The Force Unleashed). But yeah, you like Star Wars, you'll like that fic.
*Jedi mind trick* You need to go read that fic now. */Jedi mind trick*
This one I have completely planned out scene by scene, it's just a matter of writing it. So this one I know exactly where I'm going whereas this one I write on the fly and when I have a good idea for a story
Factor 2 - Real-life Matt was going to write some of the plot of this chapter (the Everfree Forest flashback) as well as his dialogue but also had inspiration problems, so he told me in the end to just write the stuff for him.
Anyway, we shan't have any issues like this in the future. I plan to alternate my updates between fics. I hope to get my update time up again to at least once a week, would be nice.
Right, hope you enjoyed this chapter, go check out my other fic, and yeah, until next time!