Twilight grew up and found her destiny, but there is one pony who feels embittered that it should have been her destiny, her glory. Breaking Dawn, Celestia's former student, is convinced that she is the true Element of Magic and has been robbed of her honours, her fame and most importantly of the love of Princess Celestia without which Dawn is nothing.
Rallying her old friends, Breaking Dawn sets out to bring Equestria's newest princess down and pass the final test her mentor set her all those years ago. As Dawn begins to wreak her vengeance, and Twilight struggles to protect her precious ponies from her elusive adversary, both these students of Celestia embark upon a dark path, paying no heed to the truth that a quest for revenge can only end one way.
An interesting start to an alternate universe fic.
Something tells me Breaking Dawn has got a lot to say to Celestia for leading her on for her childhood...
Have 5/5 mustaches.
NOW BACK TO WORK!
I like this.
Certainly hope you will continue.
This is really exciting and I can't wait for an update. You have a couple of errors but they could be fixed if you gave your story a read through before posting it. Hope that you continue this and I'll be waiting for more.
You should get some nice picture.
People are more likely to click on your story if your picture is interesting enough. For some reason.
Just saying since this deserves more views than it has been getting. In my opinion anyway.
Hmmm. Has potential. Added to Twilight's Library.
2348877
Thanks. I thought you'd be a lot longer getting to this considering how much stuff there is in the incoming folder.
2349127
np. And theoretically I should work from the back, but with 58 in there, I just decided to read as many of the short ones as I could and took care of 8 of them, most of which were somewhat recent.
One would think that with the number of admins we have now, we could get through the incoming section, but in practice it seems like I'm still doing a good deal of the approving myself...
This review was brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Vengeance of Dawn
Grammar 8/10 There are some omitted words and sentences that could use a little re-writing.
Pros: Your use pf present tense in the first chapter was well done and a good way to summarize past events. Your characterization and dialogue are both very well written. Your pacing is good too, but between the part where Fluttershy delivers Celestia's message, and Twilight complaining about the guards, you might want to add asterisks, it feels like a scene change.
Cons: You've used "said" WAY too many times. Your dialogue is good, but you can convey a lot more emotions and feelings by changing said, to something else. "groaned, snarked, mumbled, etc."
Other than some grammar flaws and your use of the word 'said,' your story is off to a really good start and you've obtained a fave and like from me.
Please, feel free to review my story Sunset of Time, If you get the chance. I think you might enjoy it.
2358683 words to use...
chirped (if your desperate), squeaked, muttered, stuttered, exclaimed, shouted, yelled, whispered, thought out loud, barked, announced, sang, lisped, spoke (followed by speaker and a adjective), enunciated, thought loudly (telepaths)... and I'm out for now... updates with more words later!
2358683ohh wait!
garbled, whined, complained, complimented, etc. etc. (past tense of speech related verbs work!), addressed, hissed (instead of said with a hiss), uttered, sputtered, stuttered (oops), flattered.
2406557 What are you, a dictionary?
In all seriousness, this could be helpful for my own writing. But I think he gets the point. Thank you!
2406726 I'm not a dictionary
... Was in school and beyond bored
... .... ... Okay I'm a walking dictionary
2407223 It's alright, the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one.
2407252 I write alliterative poetry in languages I don't even speak... Please help me...
2407285 hmm. Sounds serious. I recommend more ponies.
2407389 But... I it was for my fanfic "who am I, what is a "pony"?" ... Please enlighten me as to what stories might assist me in relieving my Delphiniac state! OMG I DID IT AGAIN!
2407407 Perhaps something incredibly boring? Like any of my stories.
Or political editorials.
2407487 Hey! SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!... Wait I haven't read your stories yet...
2407498 lol.
I feel bad. we're cluttering up his comments. Perhaps we should move this somewhere else?
2407509 NEIN! He loves our comments! (until he says otherwhise) but if we have to we can go fill up the comment area of my story!... or wherever would be okay with you
interesting... Very interesting...
2407857 Thank you, I know I am... OH you were talking about the story!
Yes, that's pretty good too.
Well, the fact that Dawn and her friends have reunited to usurp Twilight is going to be interesting to see how it ends up. I'm glad they have a voice of reason in Hardy, though; there is no way their plan is going to end without taking some high-risks. Glad their plan isn't going to be assassination. Though if what her saner friends say is true, Dawn's mental state will probably start slipping, and she'll start having a "when your world is nothing but ashes and misery, THEN you have my permission to die" before this is over.
Now, here's a thought they haven't considered: are they going to go CONFIRM Applejack is permanently out of the picture? Because just assuming that Twilight had fallen out with Applejack (rather than go home to tend to her farm) and not making sure that Applejack won't be a problem will come back to bite them in the flank.
I can't wait to see what happens next.
I actually like the idea of flipping back and forth between Twi and Dawn. Anyways, do continue, and, well, MOAR MOAR MOAR!
Also, am I a bad person if, in my head, I'm antagonizing Dawn rather than a certain purple princess who happens to be bestpony?
2460507
Silly Doctor, Celestia is best pony
But seriously, I don't intend for Twilight to be seen as the villain in this; the fact that Dawn ended up a loser has nothing do with her and she can't be blamed for doing her best in her own life.
Breaking Dawn is kind of like that Bowler Hat Guy in the disney movie Meet the Robinsons, lamenting that his life would have turned out perfect if he hadn't dropped the catch in a baseball game. While she's not supposed to be completely unsympathetic, she doesn't exactly have justice on her side in all this.
2460525
Goodgoodgood. I like Bowler Hat Guy, though.
But I regret to inform you that Celestia is second-bestpony. After Twilight. Because Twilight's a badass.
Dawn has some serious mental and social issues it sounds like. This can only end badly. For Dawn. And maybe rather humorously too. Time will tell.
2460563
In fairness, I think if the Queen came up to you, told you you were going to save the world and be the greatest thing since sliced bread, then fawned on you for an extended period you might get an ego the size of the moon as well.
I'm looking forward to seeing this unfold... I really liked the look at the day of the first Rainboom, and the description of Twilight as the "marble pony", as well as the contrast between Twilight disliking the special treatment that comes from being a Princess and Dawn resenting the lack of special treatment after being raised to expect it.
I'm a bit surprised that all of Dawn's friends so readily agree to join her in treason... They seem like reasonable, well-adjusted ponies... I would think that they would need to have at least some axe to grind on their own to go that far, even for a friend. I suppose we'll get a better understanding of them as things go on.
Good stuff!
You know, I kinda picture the confrontation between Breaking and Twilight.
Twi: "What's your problem with me? What did I ever do to you?"
Breaking: *Tells her story*
Twi: "She. Did. WHAT!"
Seriously, what Celestia did was extremely douchy, telling a young child that she is the chosen one, who will one day become a great hero and a princess, only to go: "Sorry, my mistake, I don't need you any more." I really hope that absolutely everypony chews her out for this.
2461827
While I can certainly see where your coming from, and I kind of agree, I also think you can make the case that letting Twilight sleepwalk into her battle with Nightmare Moon with no real clue what she was meant to do was a risky strategy. Arguably preparing someone for the challenges they will face makes more sense.
Of course if you then find out you picked the wrong person then yes, that is very awkward.
Dun dun dun! The story gets good!
2461827 Yeah exactly but I have to wonder what Twilight will do when she is beaten back.
2461990 You know what, that is actually also a good point. Celestia sent Twilight off with the purpose of purifying her sister but hasn't given her any clue. I know that this would not be something Twilight does but what if she opted for an assassination instead? Anyway, I think Celestia shouldn't have done that to Breaking Dawn and she deserves one hell of a compensation.
Incredible story so far, I'm really enjoying it. Was there an intentional reference here, or am I just a fanboy seeing allusions where they don't exist:
...Buried alive! Buried alive.
Twilight: DAAAAAAAWN!
2464931
I think that was subconscious, because WoK has definitely been on my mind while writing this, but I'd actually planned on saving a reference to it for later in the story. Ah well, it works OK there I guess.
2460525
Ha! You just got me to read this story with that line. Respect for others who recognize best pony.
Also the description helped.
moredrafts.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/not-bad-obama.png
Pretty good start.
First of all, there are a couple of typos in this chapter.
Should be 'with' here.
There are other things this could be, but I'm pretty sure the word you're looking for is 'fire'.
I'm not a good enough writer to comment on the plot, but your dialogue could use a little more body language beside it. It feels a little bit disconnected from the speakers at times.
Now, I like everything you've got so far. The idea is interesting, and I look forward to where you're going with this.
I like where this is going... Celestia is the biggest douche in the universe, and Twilight will soon learn that even a princess makes a huge mistake or mistakes
damn i'm so torn, Dawn's friends are all really nice individuals (not Dawn herself, she's a total cow) but they ruin themselves by being so judgmental of the mane six
I guess it just makes the story that much better 
2552447
Yes, Laurel traduces Rarity something appalling here, in a lot of ways you could argue for Rarity as the smartest of the six after Twilight herself.
.It's always cool when people point out what they think about the characters because its sometimes, oftentimes, different from what I think. Is it just Dawn's goals that offend you or is it something about her personality?
2552331
I wouldn't really call her a douche. Simply lost in the focus of returning her sister to her and inadvertently damaging a young mare, yes. Douche-y, not quite.
2552470 its her arrogant, full of her own self importance, personality, i'm not suggesting for a second you change that, highlighting characters flaws make them much more believable, and she does occasionally surprise me by saying the odd heart felt thing to one of her friends
2552470 Dawn is a scenery-chewing villain who spends her time meditating on how evil she can be and how much more evil she'll be able to be in the future once she takes power. I'm not sure how anyone is supposed to like her?
2552683
I don't 'like' her but I do consider her a tragic figure, someone who is on a bad road but whose pride will not let them turn aside from it.
While a little misinformed, I like the part that showed why Laurel was so ready to help her friend with high treason. Also, Celestia should have at least checked on Dawn after throwing her out like that, she should have known that she might have done some serious damage to her psyche. Personally, I hope both of the mane sixes manage to talk it out and have Celestia give Dawn and her friends reperations.
Celestia probably made the correct decision... I had thought that she could have simply taken Twilight on as a second student and kept personally instructing Dawn, but I can't see Dawn doing anything other than trying her best to impede Twilight's progress. Better to sacrifice the bad apple than risk it spoiling the bunch.
I note that Dawn seems to have let her friends believe she was expelled altogether, and not just told to move into the dorms with the other students. Did she throw away her education rather than swallow her pride and work hard as a regular student of Celestia's school? One has to enjoy the irony of her patting herself on the back for rising from humble beginnings when the main flaw in her comes from being overly spoiled, and her dismissive belief that Twilight was handed everything by coming from a higher station in life when Twilight's flaws may involve working too hard entirely.
In truth, that complete inability to understand her would-be adversary's weaknesses likely doom her from the get go.
Some nice insight on Laurel's bitterness. These ponies sure do like to project their dissatisfactions in life onto innocent targets, don't they? Not a lot of soul-searching and personal accountability among that group.
I want to see Dawn and her friends wield the Elements correctly, but fail to get rid of Twilight. That way everypony learns something... especially Celestia.
So, we now see them introduce themselves to Rarity (well, mostly disguised). I have to say that I feel kind of bad for Laurel. Sure, none of them seem to know anything truly personal about Twilight's friends (and barely enough about Twilight to make Dawn feel that attempting to "take back what's rightfully hers" is worth treason), but I suppose they're deadset on this idea.
You know, I think a lot of this story could have been avoided has Celestia found a way to let Dawn down easier... and at the same time made sure to keep an eye on Dawn. Either that or if Dawn and her friends could have done research.
I too find it ironic that Dawn, who came up from nothing to get the personal protege and Chosen One roles only to later squander them by going about skipping classes and picking fights, becomes the unknown rival of Twilight, a young mare who while being privilaged, yes, kept struggling to stay the hero that we see in the show and truly did earn her wings. Let's just hope that potion Dawn bought isn't dangerous...