Comes the Sunset
The sequel is out!
Comes the Sunset, the sequel to Vengeance of Dawn, has just been submitted for approval. You can find it here. I plan to take it in a bit of a different direction from this story, in ways that will hopefully become apparent as it goes along, and I really don't want it to seem like a rehash of this fic but with Sunset Shimmer as the villain so if you spot any of that please let me know.
Other than that, hopefully Comes the Sunset will seem a bit bigger than Vengeance, larger in scope, but most of all I hope that all of you who followed this fic to the end will go on to enjoy the sequel too.
1 chapter is up so far, and I'm already working on the second.
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0.0 Must read
3137851
Well I'm glad you enjoyed it, sort of. Feel free to check out the sequel if you want to.
Well, I'll be honest. This story is really weird, but in a good way. The ending surprised me with just how merciless you were.
3202759
Weird how?
Also, this is the merciful ending. People actually died in my original outline.
3202810
Like, we have Dawn, and she's clearly not the hero type. In fact, she's a manipulative douche. But she's the main character, and she seems like she's dropping some douchepounds and shaping up to be an alright antihero and/or preparing for a heel-face-turn. But then she goes full douche again. But then she tries to make good, and, well... usually the main/titular character would succeed at this point, and walk away, having learned a valuable lesson about what they've done and/or trying to atone for it.
But instead she fails miserably, the final boss fight is over in moments thanks to ganking, and she gets forever locked between life and death. I'm not sure where this sits on the scale of good-bad endings.
So, very weird, but in a good way, because it was a fresh way.
3228829
Personally I always heard him as being estuary, but scottish is fine too. I've never actually watched Danny Phantom, I chose the name partly from the My Little Pony Tales character, and partly because it's an obvious name for a military pony who is also, to an extent, Shining Armour's sidekick.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
3464853
I've submitted twice, and got two strikes in the process.
The first rejection irritated me less, since I got struck out for grammar issues which there were. The second rejection irritated me more since he said that Dawn was a bland, two dimensional villain based on a quote from chapter two, I'm guessing he hadn't read much further.
As to your earlier question: I'm afraid I'm still thinking over the answer but I will give you one.
3466332
I included the bat ponies (referred to in the fic as thestrals) as a fourth tribe because they had to come from somewhere, and I think I must have been talking about the crystal ponies as number five, although I wouldn't have put that now.
3466308
No, but it does fit with everpony's treatment of her in Bridle Gossip. I can't remember exactly, but I think everyone gives Candy side-eye after she's done with that. Mainly I included that to set up something in the last chapter, if you haven't got that far.
3466617
I still haven't read that arc (having pony stuff delivered requires good timing when you haven't told your dad your a brony and don't really want to) but while I like the idea of Rarity becoming a villain, I feel that pinning the blame wholly on an external force detracts a great deal from Luna's tragedy
3589514
Thanks for doing this! Yes, this was posted the dat before the Sunset Shimmer toy first appeared on Equestria Daily. I considered changing Dawn's name but with hindsight I'm glad I didn't.
I had no idea there was a scene break code here. I'll have to remember that.
3599284
Okay, why don't you take a look at this chapter and see what you think.
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
Well, it would seem that after one long, dull, and yet incredibly busy hiatus, I have finally managed to return to the neverending task of delving into the works of aspiring MLP fanfic writers, if only to serve as one of the few clear-minded individuals who will remind these cretins of just how pathetic their efforts truly are. It was about fucking time I did, too, since a rather impressive backlog has built up in the group after I left to take part in the first of the many drinking sprees of the holiday season. And now that my most recent hangover has found its way out of my system, I am once again capable of tolerating exposure to the filth that you all regurgitate upon us.
Fortunately, one of my final actions before this period of inactivity was snagging a rather promising work for myself from said backlog, in the vain hope that this might just be the first genuinely good fanfic that I would come across during my career as an irate reviewer. And Vengeance of Dawn is certainly promising from the get-go, if nothing else. The title alone was more than enough to catch my attention and elevate my expectations, and I haven’t even read a word of the short description yet, let alone the story itself. Not to say it’s the most impressive or the most original title that I’ve ever seen, but it still has a certain “dynamic” and “expressive” quality to it that I can’t even properly describe. Just the way it sounds paints the picture of a rather dark and intense tale in my mind, the kind that shakes the very foundations of what we’ve come to know and love (or even hate) about the show.
Unfortunately, the tags didn’t exactly match this first impression, and the short description itself was even a bit clumsy. There’s nothing but a vague and awkward outlining of the story ahead, not to mention you speak of characters embarking upon a “dark path”, yet there is no “dark” tag. Perhaps it’s supposed to mean that wherever they go, the lighting will be fucking awful? To be honest, I didn’t read far enough to be able to properly answer that, but I certainly can guarantee that it doesn’t refer to how “bright” the creative mind behind this story was.
Still, despite all of these misgivings, I jumped into the story with high hopes and a song in my heart, ready to embark on another epic journey of epic proportions and full of all other sorts of epic epicness. This journey was off to a bit of a bumpy start once I realized just how bad the author was when it came to properly editing their own writing. While it isn’t terrible, it certainly isn’t the winner of the “Grammar Nazi Monthly Award”, either. Punctuation is the greatest issue among all of them, being absolutely horrendous at times, thus giving the text an awkward feel that I simply cannot ignore. Often I can’t help but think that most of the content in every chapter is the result of multiple rapid-fire writing sprees that subsequently received little to no editing at all. All that said, the text is still somewhat readable, and even contains a few sections that are absolutely stellar, so I guess I could rate it “average” in this regard.
But now we come to the most critical part: rating the content itself.
Those of you who are simple-minded enough to have wasted your time with our recent “top and bottom five” post might recall me saying that I despise nothing more than disappointment. Vengeance of Dawn is the perfect example of this. A story that promises so much at first glance, yet delivers so little once you actually decide to look into it. I mean, even if I were to look past the somewhat unoriginal premise, or the fact that the name of the antagonist is “Breaking Dawn” (I can’t help but suspect that the author was deliberately trying to combine that with a certain purple alicorn’s name to remind us of that sodding book series), this fic just doesn’t live up to the “grand adventure” and “journey of the soul” that it so desperately tries to shove down my throat.
In fact, you know what? “Disappointing” isn’t even the right word. This story is frustrating. Every time I feel that it is finally on the right track and starts to reach for something remarkable, it somehow manages to derail itself at the last moment. Every time it starts to actually build its own universe, flesh out its characters, outline the conflicts, and create a tense atmosphere, it immediately shatters the illusion of a decent story with some half-assed jump to the next plot point, as if it were in a hurry because it needed to take a piss.
Protip: outlining a premise for yourself is one thing, rushing the whole story into it without adequately addressing every important detail is another. The first few chapters of the story are basically all of Dawn’s friends telling her: “well, I don’t know... overthrowing the entire government seems like a little too much. Are you sure you haven’t gone insane?” And then, just when you start hoping that you’ll actually get to see some decent character conflict, they immediately go: “meh, what the hell… count me in!”
Are you shitting me? She’s asking them to take part in a coup d'état, not a fucking class reunion! And this type of disjointed pacing haunts you almost all the way through the first few chapters like a stone lodging itself in your shoe and calling your mother all sorts of colorful names. We get a few long and incredibly tedious parts explaining just how “miserable” some ponies are, then quickly skim through all the important bits, such as who the fuck these ponies are in the first place, and what the hell they’re planning to do. How the hell are we supposed to care for these characters if we don’t even know them? I actually couldn’t even tell who was who in one scene where they’re all together, since we hardly spent any time exploring their characters up to that point.
From what I could gather, the story is trying to build up a parallel between the Mane Six and Dawn’s circle of friends, aiming for the whole “not all of us get to be the heroes who reap the benefits, and we’re not happy about that” type of idea. The latter isn’t portrayed as some “evil gang” hell bent on taking over the world, but as a group of loyal friends trying to help one of their own and wanting to take back what (they believe) is rightfully theirs. And that is… okay, I suppose.
There’s plenty of room for good conflict in a story like this, and we would be able to get a glimpse of it, too, if it weren’t for some of the sloppy writing. A lot of the themes (e.g “poverty vs. ‘the top one percent’”) are inserted into lengthy sections and are extremely forced, while the more important ones are downplayed, such as the fact that Dawn completely ignores the positive effects of Twilight and her friends’ ascension and only cares about grabbing power for herself. I get that we’re reading most of these from her perspective, but it hardly ever comes across as her being misguided, which I believe she is. Instead, it almost feels like one of those retarded “redemption stories.” The kind that says: “Oh, this villain isn’t really evil! They just had a really dark past, full of all sorts of hardships! PLEASE FEEL SORRY FOR THEM!”
Well, who knows? Maybe the more serious stuff will only come to surface later. Maybe it’s just shitty storytelling. I couldn’t be arsed to find out which one it is before spewing forth this review. All I can say is this: all the pieces are on the table. We’ve managed to get that far. Well done! Now all you need to do is move them into the right places, instead of just balling them all up and throwing them into the face of the reader.
I don’t think I need to go into it any further. Overall, while I append this next sentence with a gigantic asterisk, I would say that I recommend taking a look at Vengeance of Dawn. Based on how far I managed to get before writing this review, it is nowhere near as good as it could be, but I was seeing a few signs that the author managed to retrieve their head from their arse after the crash course of the first few chapters, and is able to turn this mess into something spectacular. A couple of suggestions to help them with that:
1) Trim the first few chapters somewhat. We already know Twilight and her friends well enough, but the same can’t be said about Dawn’s gang. Not until we’re at least ten thousand words in, and that’s just wasting my time.
2) Work on your pacing. Lose the lengthy “FEEL SORRY FOR THEM NOW” sections, and don’t skip the ones developing the characters. If all I ever see is Dawn being a bitch, and her friends being cardboard cutouts, then I won’t really give a crap how poor and underappreciated they all are.
I shall conclude my review with a quote from the story in question, just to emphasize what kind of material the author should strive to create, as opposed to all the bland Bull Swag that surrounded it:
PS: Some of you may have noticed that, despite it being a recurring theme in the original works that have inspired our group, not to mention several of the reviews that the group itself has produced, I tend to refrain from messing around with the titles of the stories in my reviews. In other words, I don’t write something like “Pensions and Lawn” when I mention the title, no matter how “funny” some people might think it is. Still, I was actually planning to add that to my repertoire when I felt a distinct lack of it compared to some of the other reviews that have popped up lately.
Recent events, however, have forced me to reconsider this decision. Although indirectly, and perhaps even unintentionally, I have nonetheless been most rudely insulted by a certain victim of ZP Reviews when they said something along the lines of “twitterdick writes the best reviews,” and he is one of the most prominent offenders when it comes to this gimmick.
This is unacceptable. Despite my negligible amount of respect for my colleagues, I refuse to be outdone by any of them, and I will not degrade myself by mimicking any of their silly literary tics…
That is all. Thank you for your attention!
3856598
you jelly.
3857514
Whatever gave you that idea?
Heyo, would the author of this story, Scipio Smith, have any reservations or qualms with me doing a read-through of the Zero-Punctuation group's story review by Dark Avenger in a fast, British accented voice, for the group?
3857514 What's that supposed to mean?
3464928 Have you come up with an answer yet? Here's what I got: Breaking Dawn: Somewhere between Diamond Tiara and Sunset Shimmer. Laurel: The mare who said "Well, I never!" in Boast Busters. Razor Wind: Not sure. Cherry Blossom: The voice Pinkie gave Madame Le Flour. Hard Candy: She's an Expy of Minty from G3 so she'll get her voice. Hardy Bloom: Slappy the Squirrel from Animaniacs. Something about her voice just fits her.
3913164
It means that Dark Avenger is the jelly to my peanut butter -- together we are a complete and delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We are in love. Loooove.
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Vengeance of Dawn
Author: Scipio Smith
Reviewed by: Shahrazad
Vengeance of Dawn is a story about, well, revenge. Specifically, revenge against Twilight for all of the horrible things she’s done. Namely, getting everything handed to her on a silver platter. It’s deliciously petty, which is exactly what makes the main character so cruel.
If you like characters who are morally grey, or if you like to read stories where the good guys and bad guys aren’t always well defined, this story is for you. On the other hand, if you have a strong sense of justice this story might be rather offensive. It would be worth it to read the first chapter and decide “do I like this character, Breaking Dawn?” If yes, then read on; if no, move on.
Full Review
Score: 7.0/10
3917036
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/139223161754.png
4392358
You wouldn't say that if you could see how bad my drawing was.
Adding this to my favorites because I should have long ago.
4564041
You are quite right, unfortunately. When I eventually kinda-sorta not really rewrite this one of the things I am going to do is make it a more equal struggle between the two. I think if I had planned the story out better from the start it would have turned out better, but I think the story also suffered from me changing my mind halfway through about what kind of story this was, from a story about Twilight and Dawn sparring to a story that was very much about Breaking Dawn by the time it finished.
I’ve gotten down to finishing this, and after reading it from the start as a recap and to the end, I still feel that’s it’s an outstanding piece of work. But it appears I’m quite alone in this sentiment, and that makes curious. Sure, there were several flaws pointed out by others that I quite agree with, and I too have some nitpicks to add to the pile, but all these are small compared to the other aspects of the writing.
As a character, Breaking Dawn was exceptional. She had a rich background set-up, unique flaws as well as talents, and a reasonable motive for her plans that we can be content with. She was able to propel the plot pretty much by herself, and though some of her plans seem to succeed all too easily, she was nonetheless a very interesting character to follow.
The style of writing itself really had that ring to it, so to speak. The choice of words in narration were eloquent yet apt, and what really rose above it all was the dialogue. Did you see how the characters traded verbal shots at each other? It’s all done in a very pithy, witty manner, and I find it very difficult to write complementing dialogue sequences like that. It’s not something I see often in other fics, and that makes it all the more satisfying to read. So really, I think apart from some areas in the plot (which will in turn affect pacing), I think this is great.
5937859
First of all, and at the risk of sounding like a kiss-ass, allow me to say how thrilled I am to have the best essayist in this fandom commenting on one of my stories. I hope you don't end up so disappointed this becomes one of your famously detailed rage reviews.
Of course she does, but that's the point: Laurel and Dawn (especially Dawn) assume the worst about Rarity and Twilight because that lets them tell themselves that they were wronged and robbed and deserve better. Facing up to the truth, that Twilight has more of true heroism than Dawn ever will and that Rarity is blessed with brains and beauty both, would also involve facing up to the fact that they are responsible for their own unhappiness, and no one else.
This is clearly AU now for several reasons, among them the redemption of Sunset Shimmer and the fact that Twilight Sparkle chooses to continue to reside in Ponyville after her coronation as Princess. Nevertheless, this is extremely good. I love the effortless way you world-build -- I have eight and a half pages of notes on your fanon from this story -- and it's clear that you are very familiar with Classical sources and are using them for your fanon. This works well as the show draws heavily from those sources as well.
I'll be interested in seeing how you rewrite this story, which I understand you're in the process of doing right now.
6224134
Heh. That speech. The other way to read that speech is Candy saying 'You have to keep doing this, Dawn, because the plot says so!' I needed Dawn to have a moment to self-doubt in order that she didn't come across as completely unsympathetic, but on the other hand she couldn't actually repent of all her sins because the plot would stop dead if she did, so I needed somepony to say something to get her back on track and...that speech.
And then I think Jugurtha turns up and blackmails her (this chapter, isn't it?), but I wanted it to still be Dawn's choice, ultimately, to keep going.
6295242
Yes, I actually found that from browsing the liveblogs. It's quite flattering (in the sense that you're doing it, on the whole I think you're fair with the story), and I'm glad you seem to be enjoying it.
6296641
The thing about this story was that, as I was writing it, I became far more interested in Dawn than in Twilight, so if Dawn gets her way a lot in this story it's probably because I was in her corner for a good chunk of it.
Wait until Applejack re-enters the story.
Give her a break, she's losing her mind.
And we're done! What a ride. Yeah, the grammar and such may not have always been the best, but for crazy plots and engaging characters that's not even a bump in the road. Fitting fate for Dawn (even if it's somewhat tempered for me, having read the sequel description).
The Elements' final powerup and blow against the balrog felt a bit rushed, but after so much darkness and confusion it felt good to just have something go right for the good guys, so not a big problem.
I thought Mathos mentioned the Grevyian emperor having a different name way back when (though it sounded like the Quaggaian ruler was referred to with two different names in the same chapter as well, so whatever). Or maybe he was just being an asshole. Interesting how at the very end we suddenly saw a sympathetic side to Mathos, as indeed we did with Dawn all along.
It may be a while, but I look forward to seeing what fresh hell
.)
youSunset has for our heroes. (Though, again from the sequel description, I thought for a while that things would just end badly and Sunset would step in from there. Also, all of my yes for Regent Rarity6312747
Please also check out The Return of Raven Queen by Lucius-Nomicon, which uses the character of Breaking Dawn plus canon Sunset Shimmer and has an interesting story planned out. It needs more love than it gets.
7934827
I think you might be the first person to actually get that.
Honestly, I would side with Dawn, she was a broken mare that deserved better but just as usual, "Celestia's love" is always so demanding that Dawn had no choice BUT to become the villain. Its so sad.
9579643
Thanks. I'll PM you later with the details.