Asylum of the Draconequus
"So,” Logic Point said, looking over his notebook. Several guards were wandering around, investigating the crime scene (normally Octavia and Vinyl or Thunderlane would handle this, but the mares were on vacation and Thunderlane was on his yearly camping trip with The Question and Rorshach). “According to you, you were minding your own business, thinking about how great it was to have Princess Celestia alive and not a pile of ash, when Prince Bueblood flew in on a broom, cackling about how he was going to get you and your little dragon too. When Celestia refused to give him her ruby horseshoes, he got mad and threw a bolt of lightning that disintegrated the Princess." Logic Point glanced at Twilight. “That… is what you say happened?”
Twilight nodded nervously. "Pretty much."
Wall Breaker the 4th shrugged. "Seems legit."
Logic Point sighed. "Normally I would argue about how insane that story is and state that it was clear you were lying to us… but Prince Blueblood was a royal prick, so I am all for hanging him."
Twilight grinned. "Good! Now if you'll excuse me, I am late to my lunch date with Fluttershy... lunch date, that is silly! Makes it sound like Fluttershy and I are a couple."
"You aren't?" Logic Point said, only to get kneed by Wall Breaker.
"She needs to figure it out on her own... like Princess Celestia and the waffle maker."
“I’ll see you two at the execution!” Twilight said happily, trotting towards the door.
Logic and Wall Breaker glanced at each other, then hurried forward, blocking Twilight's path. "Princess, you can't go."
"But Fluttershy said if I was late I wouldn't get any of her cherry pie! I love cherry pie... especially when there is tons of cream on it!"
"How can she not... right, never mind," Logic Point mumbled.
"Princess Twilight, you are the only Princess left. Princess Cadence is in charge of the Crystal Empire and your mother is dead-"
"Luna isn't my mother and what do you mean she is dead?!?"
Wall Breaker waved off her concern. "Or she moved to Detrot, who cares? The point is that the author has clearly set it up that one of the recurring cold opening storylines will be you in charge of Equestria, just like Vinyl and Octavia being in A Game of Thrones, the whole Derpy’Doctor/Mary Sue/Dinky arcs and him getting his own Iron Man battle armor."
"What?" Twilight said.
“WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” defender2222 cried out as he flew past the window in his blue and gold Chaosbringer armor.
“Looking good, boss!” Wall Breaker shouted.
“Did I hit my head or something?” Twilight complained.
Logic shook his head. "Just ignore him... he does that all the time."
"Cue the title screen... I wonder what theme the author picked this time!"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 3: Asylum of the Draconequus
"Chocolate Rain!"
"Run faster!" Celestia screamed as the sixsome hurried down the halls of the asylum, the cries of the cliched filling their ears. "We have to find some way out of-Dramatic chipmunk! Tydal, kill!"
Tydal, instead of committing bloody murder, slowed down and patted the little furry creature on the head. "Hello, my fellow life brother. We are both part of the same ecosystem, so that makes us brothers in-EERRK!"
Chrysalis yanked Tydal away from the fuzzy critter. "Stop making friends with the cliches!"
"Yeah!" Cadence cried out. The group, realizing she'd never be able to keep up, had decided to simply roll her down the hallway like a bean bag chair filled with chunky soup... it was totally dignified. "How am I supposed to eat it if you are friends with it?"
"Want to see my video that explains why some historical event was staged by the government?" a fat, balding man with a dirty shirt and a camcorder asked, trying to show some pamphlets printed on recycled paper in their faces.
"All the politicians dance to the song played by bagpipes made of dollar bills, their notes built from the shattered dreams of the fallen," Shining intoned.
"See, he gets it!" the conspiracy theorist exclaimed.
Celestia shook her head at Shining's ramblings. "Where is his evil muffin when you need him?"
~Meanwhile, miles away~
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the evil muffin screamed as he flew through the air.
"Come back here!" Derpy screamed, her eyes blood red, a knife and fork clutched in her hooves. "GET IN MY BELLY!"
~Back at the plot...~
"Oh by the Creator, what are they doing?!?" Chrysalis screamed, watching as several ponies did a weird jig, much like how a colt might move if he needed to use the bathroom.
"I think it is called the Harlem Shake," Luna stated as they turned down another corner.
"PLANKING!" Cadence shouted, several patients having formed a ramp by lying still as a board (seriously, this was a thing?). The pink alicorn squealed as she rolled up the plankers, flying through the air and crashing through the floor.
"Chrysalis, Shining, get her back!" Celestia stated. "We leave no pony behind!"
"You can't order me around, I'm a queen!” Chrysalis sniffed, nose held high in the air. “Queen outranks princess!"
Celestia grabbed the changeling and shook her. "Do what I say or I will show you my Tydal impression!"
"...I will happily chase after the fat slug with the beatnik."
"Good choice." Celestia looked around wildly for some kind of exit while Chrysalis and Shining leapt down to retrieve Cadence. "Come on, we have to- there!" She ran to a door that had a glowing EXIT sign on it.
“Wait, what about leaving no pony behind?” Luna asked.
“Who cares about that, let's-"
"WE'RE NO STRANGER TO LOVE! YOU KNOW THE RULES AND SO DO I!"
"We've been Rick-rolled!" Luna screamed.
The singer grabbed Celestia and began to tug her towards the door. "No, get off of me! HELP!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Do you see her Shining Armor?"
"To see? To dream? I thought about all of these as I drank my coffee, the darkness in the cup reflecting the-"
"Nevermind, there she is." The changeling queen hurried forward, shapeshifting into Iron Will. "Ugh, even in this form she's too heavy!" The changeling strained to lift Cadence up, who was rocking back and forth like a turtle caught on his back. "Come on, do something to help-"
"SLENDER!" Cadence screamed.
"No, you aren't slender you are-" Chrysalis whipped around, eyes wide when she saw the tall, faceless ghoul rapidly approach. "CRAP!" She whipped around, shifting back to her normal form, and began to fire at the demon, only for the Slender Man to warp around them. "A little help!"
"Help those who can help themselves... or help none at all," Shining said.
“I…. huff… will….oh no… not another heart attack!” Cadence cried out. “Cake usually settles it down… someone needs to get me cake!”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Great, I am going to die here... well, at least I will die pretty!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"HELP!" Celestia screamed, trying to fight off the singer. She fired off a few bolts of magic but it did little against the cliché. Luna wasn’t paying attention, having been distracted by something shiny and thus removing herself from the list of potential rescuers. "Tydal, please!"
Tydal, however, had assumed the lotus position, eyes shut and the world tuned out. He focused on his breathing, feeling his soul lighten.
'That is it, Tydal', a voice intoned, 'you are nearing spiritual enlightenment… the mysteries of the universe will soon be unveiled to you. The meaning of life, the purpose of existence….'
"Tydal!"
'Let go of your anger... your rage...let go of your possessions, they weigh you down...'
"Tydal, please!"
'All that you need is yourself. Your friends... your family...you must let them go too…’
Celestia reached out. "Tydal... Tydal..." Celestia closed her tear-soaked eyes as she felt the singer drag her further through the door, one hoof all that remained that kept her from being sucked into the music video forever. "DADDY!"
The capricorn's eyes snapped open. "Celestia?" He turned, body trembling as he saw his little sister... his princess... his daughter... being grabbed against her will, tears falling from her eyes.
Godly energy poured out of him, lightning crackling in his eyes and steam hissing as he rose from his body.
'Uh oh. No, you must focus, you must… oh, just forget it!’
"AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!" Tydal screamed, leaping at Rick, teeth sinking down and severing the singer's arm. The capricorn quickly pushed Celestia behind him, roaring in fury as he glared at his opponent. Tydal's horns flared and he ripped a 2by4 from the wall and began to beat the cliche over and over, blood splashing on his fur as he pummeled the crooner. "NO-ONE-TOUCHES-MY-GIRLS!" His tail lashed out and he cut the musician's head off before whipping around, a sneer in on face. The other cliches backed away, terror in their eyes, as Tydal took a step forward, his magic grabbing onto Celestia and Luna and moving them behind him. "Whose next? Who wants to face Lord Tydal, God of the Sea, God of War? Because if you think for one bloody moment that I am going to let you hurt MY LITTLE GIRLS, you truly are mad! So, who wants to face me? Huh? Who? WHO WANTS TO DIE TONIGHT? BECAUSE THE LORD OF THE MAREATINE HAS COME!"
"He's back!" Celestia cheered, hugging her murderous, blood-soaked protector.
~MC~MC~MC~
Chrysalis groaned, her knees shaking as she tried to keep up her attack. The Slender Man was simply too quick, dodging her attacks and gaining ground. "I... I can't keep this up!"
"I'll help!" Cadence said, legs churning. Sadly, they weren't touching the ground thanks to her massive gut. "Oooohhh."
"Cadence..." an ethereal voice said. "Cadence..."
The pink alicorn turned, watching as the blue force ghost of Starswirl the Bearded appeared. "An old pony I've never met before!" Cadence exclaimed. "What can I do for you?"
"Use the lust, Cadence," Starswirl said.
"What?" Cadence said, brow furrowed. "But...but I was only a nympho because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
"You are wrong, Cadence. You have an addictive personality.... first you were addicted to tiaras, then being a good babysitter, then folk music for some reason, then sex, and now food. Sex, though, is your strongest aspect... your time in the caves didn't give you PTSD... it revealed your true nature... your true strength.”
"It... it did?" Cadence whispered.
"Yes... use the lust, Cadence... it is your destiny!"
The Slender Man reached out, only a few feet away from Chrysalis. "I'm almost out of juice... now would be a good time for you to be slutty!" the changeling cried out.
"That's my secret, Chrysalis," Cadence said, her body vibrating. “I'm always slutty!" She began to glow red hot and then, with a burst of energy, was revealed to be once more slim and sexy. And with that she grabbed Shining and tossed him behind a couch. "Time to screw the beatnik out of you!"
Chrysalis' eyes glowed a bright green as the love energy filled her. Slender Man took a step back in fear as the goddess of drama trembled, her tail twisting into a scorpion’s stinger and a set of sharp pincers burst from her sides. Her wings became razor sharp and her teeth sharpened till they rivaled a shark’s. "Say hello to 10%, Slender!" Chrysalis snarled, spiky armor forming along her body as she pounced.
~MC~MC~MC~
"GRRRUUUUBBA!" Luna cried out as Tydal forced her mouth over the drinking fountain spout, his horns glowing as he drew the water out so that it was practically bursting from the spout.
"Tydal, are you sure-" Celestia called out, firing a blast at an annoying orange.
"Need to purge her system!" Tydal shouted, finally lifting her up. "You sober yet?!"
"Uh...huh..." Luna gasped
"Good... because if you ever get hooked on drugs again I will give you a time out until you are 3000 years old!"
"Yes sir," Luna said weakly, tears in her eyes. Tydal smiled and drew the sisters to him, hugging them both.
"Ok, I am happy too," Celestia said, "but we need to find-"
"SHAZAM!" Shining Armor screamed in joy.
"...I think Cadence snapped out of it," Tydal stated. Sure enough, the pink alicorn flew around a corner and raced towards them, Chrysalis (back in her 1% form) and Shining Armor just behind her. The captain was trying to free himself from his turtleneck, with poor results. "Shame, I liked you as an insufferable fool."
"Nice to see you back to being a monster, Tydal," Shining snarked, pointing to Tydal’s blood-soaked tail. "Anypony have any ideas on how we get out of here?"
"Oooooo!" Cadence exclaimed. "What if we set off a big bomb and ran away from it as it exploded... in slow motion!"
Luna frowned. "That might be the most cliched thing of all!"
"... so I shouldn't have set the timer 3 minutes ago?" Cadence asked, shuffling from hoof to hood.
The asylum rumbled, the squad trying to keep their footing as the building pitched and rolled. Celestia’s eyes widened as jets of flames burst out of the floor.
"...MOVE HOOVES!" Luna roared, the squad racing down the hallway, the others hurrying after her, passing by cliches who were trying to figure out what to do. Walls began to crumble all around them and the floor under their hooves cracked.
"Shining!" Tydal called out, his horns glowing as he caused every pipe in the asylum to shatter. A great wall of water rushed up from behind them, taking out everything in its path. "Force field!"
"On it!" the captain called out, creating a hollow basin which the group leapt in, the whitewater rocketing down the halls. After a hard right they found themselves staring at something they hadn’t seen since their arrival: a window. "Princesses!"
"Luna?" Celestia said, charging her horn. "After you."
"Beauty before age," Luna teased, the sisters firing a blast of energy that took out the window and the wall, revealing blue skies.
"Here we go, darlings!" Chrysalis exclaimed as they burst out of the asylum. The changeling shifted into a massive dragon, the other five landing on her back just as the explosion went off, reducing the asylum to rubble. All of them lit up their horns, sending everything they had at the fire blast, redirecting it out of their way. "This is the part where we say something witty!"
...
....
...
...
...
...
...
...
"God damn it Nappa?" Cadence offered.
Celestia shrugged. "Meh, close enough."
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2274945
It's Deadpool. He found a way.
I laughed to hard at the shazam then I should've.
Well I think we covered enough YouTube for now.
Yes they are back in business.
Now what crazy adventure will they be derailed from this time?
AND THE GOD SQUAD IS BACK!!!! Heh, NAPPA!!!!
SHAZAM!
These aren't really cliche's, just meme's that have worn out their welcome. I think to be a cliche they would have to be some kind of device or character archetype a story uses too much and people get tired of, meme's are just catchphrases and jokes that have gotten overused and people are tired of
This chapter was a pain, because the site was acting up when I posted it.
But yes, the God Squad is back in action and back to their normal selves... if with a few minor improvements (Celestia admitted that Tydal is her adopted father, Cadence realizes she never had PTSD and that sex isn't her weakness... it is a strength; and Tydal maybe, just maybe, might have gained a tiny fragment of enlightenment).
Of course, this arc will have ramifications that will be quite interesting...
2281601
it is a cliche to REFERENCE them though... that is the point. Referencing these memes is the cliche.
Tydal: "Your head is going to RickRoll away from your body!"
Yay back to normal!
Funny thing, I am listening to my iTunes playlist right now…
…NGGYU had started playing when I started reading!
Finally, they're all back!
Oh sweet Celestia... they're back... they're all back... i was horrified youd do an entire season with these guys, using lame pacifist jokes, more overweight Cadence, ect. But the God Squad, in all their beauty is BACK.
....I didn't care for the appetizer intro at the beginning, but it was more than made up by the main course which was awesome!
Oh and....
Aucontreave (Please excuse my poor excuse at French.) my little bronies, The God Squad is Back!!
*Incert Mexican Trumphant (you can ignore the dialogue as it's uninportant)*
Oh contrare mon readers! THEY'RE BACK!
This calls for a celebration!
Wall Breaker isn't even trying to be subtle anymore, is he?
All of my yay
The cliches... oh geeze. I love that ending line. Just sold it for me.
The cold openings being their own mini story? Still awesomely hilarious.
defender2222, you just keep writing hilarious stuff. Not sure how you do it. Probably a deal with the Devil or something.
Here we witness Tydal perform the Traditional Capricornian hangover cure "Near-death by Geyser."
…I'm so happy he's back.
As a small aside... I actually made a custom 'Chasobringer' Iron man Figure that is MY armor. It is the Movie 2 Storm Surge armor with a custom Gold/Blue paint job (yes, like Booster Gold) and a special shoulder energy cannon.
I knew the Asylum was a Doctor Who reference, but I didn't notice that the last one was too until just now... D'oh!
Oh well, this was a thoroughly hilarious episode. Though, I think that meme would work better than cliche, since it describes everything better. The running away from an explosion in slow motion is a cliche, Rick Astley is a meme.
OH GOD I CAN"T BREATH!!! IF I DIE KNOW I DIED LAUGHING!!!!
The God Squad is back... and it. Is. Awesome!
Heck yeah Tydal!!! The REAL God Squad is back in business!! I was happy when Tydal turned back to killing, but I facepalmed (in a good way) when Cadence quoted the Avengers.
So Captain Armor read the exploits of Captain Mare-vel at some point?
That is all that can be said. My joy is all-encompassing. Now I must sulk.
If Twilight running Equestria is going to be a plot in the cold open then that's definitely something to look forward to. To the main part of the chapter itself, so happy that their back, seeing Tydal not want to kill everything was just odd.
I laughed until I cried.
And then I was slightly terrified.
2282051pics please?
The amount of references in this fic is too damn high!
2287550
When I get a chance I will post
2283947It's a Family Guy reference. In one episode one of the children is having a sleepover and peter and Lois are clearly having loud noisy sex off screen. When peter finishes he shouts out shazam. just like what happened here
A setup like that and no mention of Portal? For shame good sir.
2290381
I know. I'm just a Captain Marvel/Shazam fan looking for any recognition the guy can get.
Now time for something unrelated. DEMACIA! Great chapter btw.
2292320I apologize, some people will make posts like that honestly not knowing if the reference they have spotted is aimed at the original work, or an other reference.
2288060 And you just introduced a a new reference.
Gods, have not seen this in so long the evil muffin vs. Derpy Hooves? Yeah, the muffin already lost
This was funny but so bucking random I became confused so I just laughed, the Gods are funny as buck, man this was a great chapter.
WOO-HOO! The Gang's Back!
Oh my God. I love you so much it hurts
Dat DragonballZ abridged reference.
Words cant even describe how much i laughed at this!
YAY DECADENCE IS BACK
! GO NAUGHTY CADENCE! GO QUEEN CHRYSALIS! WHOO!
Okay, now that that outburst is over, nice to see they're all back to normal (or, rather, what passes for "normal" for these nutjobs
!).
"God damn it Nappa?" Cadence offered... that line was amazing!
so, everyone is conveniently turned back to normal(although tydal's was quite understandable) and everyone escapes through a conveniently placed window while a conveniently set off explosion goes off in the background? well, conveniently enough, that is precisely the kind of logic i like!
and hooray! they're back in business baby!
2281794
It's Au Contraire
I think I like 10% Chrylsalis. And was Cadence's line a reference to The Avengers? And as for her last line, you references TFS. Take my win. TAKE IT I TELL YOU!
They're back!
Considering how if she gets REALLY mad, things go badly and you only beat her last time due to a love supercharge from Shining, good idea.
*grins* And here I thought he was gone for good, well to quote Q "AU CONTRAIRE MON CAPITAIN! He's Back!" And he's badass! Never screw with the God of War.
You did that on purpose and it's so awesome I don't even care!
Fanart. NOW.
That works.
Chrysalis's 10% form sounds Damn sexy.
Though, does it mean that unlike the other gods she can't change into her higher forms without absorbing love energy, or was that because she was drained from the earlier attacks?