WOLVES! Part 2
(Tonight's Episode of 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' was directed by guest director Kevin Smith)
Rainbow Dash happily trotted past the line of angry ponies that were pounding on the doors of RST Video, paying no heed to the grumbles that were being directed at her by the upset customers. She stopped when one grabbed her by the wing and forced her to stop trotting.
"Listen, unless you are willing to buy me dinner first-"
The customer glared at her. "You were suppose to be opened by now!"
"No time for love, Doctor Jones!" Rainbow said, pulling away from the stallion.
"(censored)!" The stallion shouted.
Rainbow merely smirked, pulled her backwards hat tighter on her head, before heading into the Quick Stop. It was the usual assortment of ponies shopping: Mrs. Cake was checking all the milk to see if there was one with a later expiration date, Thunderlane was complaining that the coffee was hot, and Roseluck was upset that they didn't sell tires. Rainbow looked over at the register, blinking in surprise when she saw Twilight manning the counter.
"You're late," Twilight said. "I've been getting complaints for the last 2 hours!"
"What the (censored) are you doing here? It's your day off!"
"The boss made me come in, Bon Bon got sick."
"(Censored), if I knew you were here I'd have come later!" Rainbow leaned up against the counter and began to leaf through a magazine, showing no sign of actually thinking about doing her job. "You know, I was thinking in the shower-"
"I don't know if I want to hear the rest of this story."
"Ha ha. I was thinking in the shower about Monster High."
"Those dolls little girls buy that are monsters?"
"Those are the ones."
Twilight frowned. "You were naked and suddings up and suddenly you began to think about dolls for little girls?"
"What of it?"
"Just odd, that's all."
"I do my best thinking in the shower."
"Oh, I'm sure you do, I just find it odd." Twilight paused, getting a pack of cigarettes for a customer before turning back to Rainbow. "What did you think about them?"
"I just realized how unrealistic they are."
"They are dolls that are monsters... I think reality was already removed from them."
"I don't me our reality," Rainbow complained. "I mean that the reality in their world doesn't make any sense."
"The reality of their world?"
"You know... how fictional worlds have their own rules and stuff? In our world ponies can't turn into living metal but in the Marvel Universe there are mutants to cover up that fact." Twilight motioned for Rainbow to continue. "See, the monsters in Monster High know there are humans; they call them Normies and such. But the girls themselves aren't connected to them... they treat normal humans like they are a separate species."
Twilight frowned "And that's a problem?"
"Of course it is! Do you realize how many monsters are directly connected the humans? A vampire can only make another vampire by turning a human... so the teenage vampire girl must have been some poor child who was kidnapped, turned into a vampire, and then brainwashed to forget her real parents! The same for Frankenstein's kid; Frankenstein's Monster looks like he does because he was sewn together but that doesn't mean a baby of his would look the same. That would be like if I punched you in the (censored) your baby would be born with a bruised (censored). Makes no sense. Those are just two, mind you, but the fact remains that Monster High's reality doesn't make sense... either all these human-originated monsters have some kind of Monster DNA... MNA I guess... or Monster High is really a dark, twisted, dreary world that would give Tim Burton a woodie."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "If you put as much effort into working as you did these theories you might actually get ahead in life."
Before Rainbow could answer Pinkie Pie walked in, a black winter cap over her head and a long coat thrown over her. Just a step behind her was Silent Mac, her hetreo-lifemate. "Snooch to the nooch! You know what you two need is a fattie boom battie blunt. Then you'll be seeing sailboats and mermaids doing that (censored) lesbian (censored)!"
The God Squad: Equestria Most Wanted
Episode 27: WOLVES! Part 2
"Well Twist, are you ready to help at the candy shop?"
"Yeth I am, Grandpa Thugarcane!" Twist said happily. "I've been looking forward to it for tho long!" The filly happily trotted along side her grandfather, Canterlot's best and oldest candy maker. Sugarcane had been running his corner store for nearly 60 years, providing Canterlot's children sweets and goodies. Parents would take their children to the wonderful shop, showing them the glass cases and having their their sons and daughters sit at the same booth they had once sat in when they were young. Every pony had fond memories of Sugarcane's Candy Shop and would happily tell of all the magical times they'd spent within its walls.
"Well, now you get to work there just like your daddy did when he was a boy! For our family it is a great honor to help make treats for all the colts and fillies." Sugarcane smiled, lifting Twist up so she could sit on his back. "And do you know why?"
"Becauthe the candy man maketh all thorts of wonder thingth!"
"That's right," Sugarcane said, taking a deep breath as he opened the door to his shop. Twist grinned as music began to play overhead. "For the candy-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" Twist screamed.
Sugarcane instantly stopped singing, staring in utter horror at his shop. Every glass case had been shattered, the floor was torn up and deep claw marks marred the walls. The tables and chairs had been rendered kindling. The back door had been ripped from its hinges and lay shattered against the register, which was surprisingly left unharmed. All over the floor the remains of candy lay scattered. There were half eaten chocolate bars that had melted into puddles, jawbreakers that had been shattered, suckers licked down to their sticks, fudge smeared into sticky smears, peppermint sticks sucked to tiny little sharp points, and hundreds of torn wrappers lay about on the tile floor. Strangely, the only candy not eaten was the cheap crap that came wrapped in aluminium wrappers that Sugarcane had gotten by accident in his last shipment.
And there, lying in the middle of it all, was a snoozing Princess Cadence.
"Wha?" she mumbled, slowly raising her head as Twist's screams awoke her. Cadence looked about, eyes going wide in horror at the destruction that lay before her. She slowly reached up and pressed a hoof to her mouth, only to pull it away when she found her muzzle was coated in sticky chocolate. "What... what's happening to me?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"...should cover the damages," Princess Celestia said, handing Sugarcane a check. "You'll also see a bit extra for your kindness in keeping what happened here quiet."
"Of course, Princess," Sugarcane said. "Know that I will use this to not just repair my shop but make it better."
"I am glad to hear that!" Celestia said pleasantly.
"Thank you Printheth Thelethtia!" Twist said. "Thuch thowing of thympathy ith-"
Luna handed Twist another check. "For speech lessons."
"Thankths!"
That taken care of, Celestia and Luna trotted over to Shining and Tydal, who were doing their best to comfort Cadence, who was clearly shaken by her ordeal.
"I must say, you did rather well destroying this place," Tydal said.
"Not helping," Shining grounded out.
"I'm merely admiring the handiwork!" Tydal answered back. "Of course I am sad that Cadence is upset... but really, the way she destroyed this case here, ensuring that no matter what there was no way to rebuild it... Cadence, perhaps you could teach a class at my Keep about destruction of enemy property! Everyone seems to forget that battle is only half of war... the other half is demoralizing your opponents! Salt the Earth so nothing can grow!"
"Just... just stop talking," Shining said, rubbing Cadence's back.
"I don't understand how any of this happened!" Cadence whimpered. "I mean, one moment I was lying in my bed, looking out the window, and the next I awoke covered in chocolate!"
"Well, that isn't too odd," Celestia said. "We've all been there..." She blinked, shaking herself out of the memories of her high school years. She shut her eyes and began to mumble, "You aren't a fatty any more... food doesn't control you... do not give into your urges... it is nice being able to fit through doors..."
Luna tapped her chin. "Well, it is quiet clear that you have come under the power of a dangerous and dark curse that causes you to black out and engage in acts of destruction that you would not normally be a part of." When the others just stared at her the night princess let out a sigh. "Why does everyone forget that I majored in Spooky Things at Mareatine U?"
Cadence looked at Luna, using her back leg to itch her ear. "What, like I turn into some strange... lizard thing or something."
"Uh, no..." Luna said.
The pink princess thought about her situation, her head going down to lick areas only a doggie would lick. "Oh, you mean like a cat creature?"
"Not quite," Luna said, tilting her head.
Looking back at the lunar princess Cadence's tongue lulled out of her mouth and she began to pant. "Or maybe-"
"You know what, let's stop guessing until we get some expert help," Celestia suggested.
"You have someone in mind?" Shining asked.
Celestia nodded. "Yes... yes I do."
~An Hour Later in Ponyville...~
"Sister... surely you are joking."
Celestia looked at Luna, confused. "Why would I joke about this. I'll have you know that, despite her reputation, our expert is quite wise and knows much about the dark forces." She help open the flap of the tent and motioned her family inside. "Come on, come on, let's not keep her waiting."
Cadence sat down across from the gypsy-dressed pony, the mare's crystal ball resting on the table. The rest of the group gathered on either side of Cadence, offering her support.
"Who comes to speak to Madame Pinkie?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"I do."
"Well, hello Eye Dew," Madame Pinkie said happily.
"I can't tell if she is joking or is really this stupid," Tydal muttered to Luna.
"I think it might be both."
"Shhhh!" Shining hissed.
Madame Pinkie waved her forelegs over her crystal ball. "And what brings you to my tent of mysticism and magic?"
"Aren't those the same thing?" Tydal asked, only to get elbowed by Shining. "Ow! How is that even possible... none of us have elbows!"
Celestia cleared her throat. "We are here because Cadence here has apparently come under the power of a dark curse."
The pink mare nodded. "Oh yes! I black out and when I wake up I have ended up in a new place surrounded by candy!"
"...I thought you said it was a dark curse," Madame Pinkie complained.
"The candy is already eaten."
Madame Pinkie gasped in horror. "Oh, the horror! So you came to me for aid and advice?"
Luna nodded. "We considered going to the witch doctor but all he usually says is 'ooo, eee, ooo, ah ah, ching chang, walla walla bing bang'. That isn't helpful at all."
"Yeah, he's a hack," Madame Pinkie said. "Now, let me glaze into my crystal ball-"
"Don't you mean gaze?" Shining asked.
"Nope," Pinkie said, taking out a bucket of donut glaze and covering the crystal ball in the sticky sugar liquid. "Now then... let us see let us see..." Pinkie peered into the now candy-covered ball before nodded. "yes... yes, I see. You, Cadence, were bitten by a candy werewolf. And Equestrian one at that... quick is good, because I don't know the air velocity of a Zebrican Candy Werewolf..."
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Tydal complained. "CANDY Werewolf? Why is everything in this bloody land so PG rated?'
"Maybe they compensate for your violence?" Luna suggested.
"No, that can't be..." Cadence said, shaking her head. "I'd remember being bit... the only thing I remember..."
~A few days earlier~
"I sure do love my midnight hikes!" Cadence said happily as she trotted through the forest. "the only thing that makes them better is eating a nice Charleston Chew-"
And then the candy werewolf leapt out, ate her candy, and bit her.
~MC~MC~MC~
"...Cadence, that is the very definition of being bit by a candy werewolf!" Luna complained.
"Is it? Huh, I never made the connection."
"I'm sorry, I'm still a bit fuzzy on all this... a candy werewolf?" Shining's brow furrowed. "Is that a werewolf made a candy?"
"Oh no no no no no; that would be a werecandywolf. Not to be confused with werewolf candy, which is used to tame werewolves. It comes in chocolate, butterscotch, and innocent flesh flavors."
"I think I know the restaurant that makes those," Tydal stated.
"My wife... turning to a werewolf? Could we focus on that?"
Madame Pinkie shook her head. "Not a mere werewolf, a candy werewolf. Totally different." Madame Pinkie pulled out an ancient book. "Its all described in this book I stole from Twilight... I wonder if she realizes its gone..."
~Meanwhile, at Twilight's Library...~
"Twilight, put down the knife!" Spike yelled.
"But... but the only place I haven't looked is INSIDE me!" the maniac lavender princess exclaimed, looking down at her belly.
~MC~MC~MC~
"I'm sure she won't mind," Celestia said.
Madame Pinkie motioned for the rest of the group to gather around, her left hoof pointing to a section of the book. The words, written in old Equestrian script, appeared under the image of a pony clutching their head, wolf wears and tail growing from their body.
"hmmm..." Celestia said, leaning down. "It says: 'Even a mare who is pure of heart, and says her prayers by night, might become a wolf when the sugarbeat blooms, and Luna's moon is bright'."
"Oh, so this is my fault?" Luna complained. "Sure, just because I am the goddess of the night and I majored in all things spooky and I one day got bored and created candy werewolves... you all blame me?"
"Ok, ok, ok..." Cadence said, breathing a bit harder than normal. "Ok... ok-"
"Stop saying ok!" Tydal snarled.
Cadence nodded. "Right.... right..."
"Oh get on with it!" Tydal bellowed.
"Yes, get on with it," Pinkie said.
"GET ON WITH IT!" the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail shouted.
Cadence squared her shoulders. "We know what is wrong with me... the full moon is making me turn into a... candy werewolf.” The others shifted awkwardly, realizing how stupid that name was… it was almost as if it had been created by an author who couldn’t think of a better name for the species… “But now that we know what is wrong we can figure out how to fix me!”
“Yes indeedie!” Madame Pinkie said before pulling out a shotgun. “Now hold still-“
“NO!” Shining said, shoving the gun to the side just as it went off.
“You owe me a new tent!” Madame Pinkie complained, pointing at the hole the blast had made.
“We are not shooting Cadence!” Shining complained.
“It was an aluminum bullet. Candy Werewolves are weak against aluminum. It would have made her only kinda dead. And hey, she would have been cured! Can’t turn into a candy werewolf if you’re dead!”
Cadence considered this.
“No!” Shining shouted. “No shooting my wife in the face!”
“Yes, only Vice Presidents can do that,” Celestia said. “Now then, there must be another way to break the curse.”
Madame Pinkie consulted her book. “Well, according to this… if we find the candy werewolf that bit her we can break the spell.”
"Do we have to kill it?" Cadence asked. "I'd feel bad killing something that is innocent."
"Oh no, you just need to hoof punch it over and over while insulting it. It works better if you are a bit of a grump and prone to violence to begin with."
Everyone turned and looked at Tydal.
“I was born for this moment,” he declared.
“Good, but we need to hurry,” Madame Pinkie said, motioning for the others to join her. They made their way outside, looking at the starry sky. “According to my research, Princess Cadence must be cured by the fourth full moon… otherwise she will become a candy werewolf forever! Luckily for us, there is no full moon in the sky, so we have plenty of time.”
“Actually, the moon is technically always full,” Luna said. “It only appears as a half or crescent moon because of the rotation of the Earth.”
Shining looked at her in surprise. “I did not know that.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!” Cadence screamed, gripping her head as her face began to turn into a wolf’s muzzle.
“Great, the curse apparently didn’t know it either until you blabbed!” Tydal snarled, pushing Pinkie behind him as Cadence’s bones cracked and she increased in size and mass. The pink alicorn snarled as her coat grew thicker, her eyes flashing as she looked at her family, the wolf fully in control.
“No, stop Cadence!” Shining shouted, putting himself between his wife and his friends. “Sweetheart… we have no candy for you to eat, ok?” the Cadence-Wolf looked at him, tilting her head and sniffing. She blinked when she realized that this was true. Shining took a cautious step towards her. “Listen my love… you need to fight this… if not for yourself and not for me… then for the fact that I refuse to have sex with something that isn’t my species.”
“This is dumb enough to work,” Luna muttered as the Cadence-Wolf let out a whimper.
Shining smiled as Cadence sat down on her haunches, her tag wagging slightly as he cautiously reached out to pet her. When he saw that she was calming down Shining took a deep breath, stilling talking to her in a soothing voice. “That’s right… no sex when I’m a pony and you’re a wolf. No way around that. We need to be the same species. So, why don’t we-“
Cadence promptly bit Shining on the leg.
“Oh wonderful, now there are two of them!” Tydal snarked as Shining panted in pain, his body already beginning to transform as well. Cadence-Wolf moved to guard her mate as his back began to swell and his bones shifted, the white stallion rapidly becoming a massive white and blue werewolf. “Nice going, you idiot, give the nympho ideas on how to sex you up!”
Cadence-Wolf and the new Shining-Wolf turned and snarled, glaring at the princesses, Madame Pinkie and Tydal, teeth gleaming as they began to approach.
“And now I think they want to add to the pack…” Celestia said, lighting up her horn.
“Will our heroes escape? Will Shining and Cadence be saved? Find out next time-“
“Please eat Plotdump first… he won’t be missed,” Luna grunted.
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So this chapter came together quickly. I had I a lot of fun putting it together and I hope you guys enjoyed it!
Pinkie better return those books before Twilight cuts herself open.
So how many more of these bizarre chapters do you have to make before you're declared legally insane?
Bwhahahahaha
glad to see this story still going, always good for a laugh
Great
You already did the Monty Python and the Holy Grail in the Griffland arc, not that you really care.
That cold opening has really got me thinking.
If that was the case, she'd be unable to speak through her mouth and would need to dictate everything she says.
Proof that the limits of Twilight's insanity have yet to be reached. Bravo defender, bravo. *claps hands*
Bravicimo! *claps harder*
The seemingly harmless sounding Candy Werewolf seems slightly more threatening now. Would Equestria survive if Pinkie became one?
4720478
12, last I heard
Dash has a point, Monster High has some pretty disturbing implications.
She's right about the shower, too, I couldn't even say how many work problems I've figured out the solution to while showering.
Good call, Luna.
Poor Spike.
You know, I bet Shining looks pretty cool as a wolf.
I'm not ashamed to say that I quite literally laughed out loud at that.
When did this fic turn into Gravity Falls?
4721014 huh, coulda sworn it was 13... oh well.
4721014 4722465 I thought it was somewhere back in the first God Squad. I think he's not being taken away because, no matter where they take him, he'll give somewhat important people crazy ideas, and because of their somewhat important status, they can't be put away as easily, and thus the crazy would spread and either multiply the world by -1 or divide by 0 in the core of the Earth, thus unleashing defender2222's Equestria on Earth. Which actually sounds kind of fun, in all honesty.
Don't worry Dashie, I think best when I am in the tub.
Anyway...
Canwolf, sweetwolf, and sugarwolf are names you could've also used.
Alos, Shining...you're an idoit!
When it comes to getting laid, Cadence will find a way.
.
By far probably the funniest thing youve written yet... and I dont mean that as insult... I just thought it was really fuckin funny.
great, now they're gonna make SWEET SWEET love
forgive the pun
4720601 i just figure this to be bob and george in written form...but with less megaman stuff and more ponies.
Having heard this song many a time as a young lad, it's ting tang.
Also, maybe overthinking it, but maybe the whole "full moon transforming" thing happens because the sun's light reflected off the moon creates a form of energy waves, and when in high enough volume, IE when the moon is full, it has enough of the waves to directly affect certain creatures.
That or it's a metaphor for menstruation.
4726570
I prefer the idea that the curse is stupid (mentally, I mean) and didn't realize that the moon is always, technically, 'full'
4729403
It will happen
4724710 Thats terrible
This is so wrong it's painful to read. There is only one time that the earth's shadow ever touches the moon; during a lunar eclipse, and it only happens when the moon is full. It is also a rare occurrence just like the solar eclipse.
Even getting away from real world, that statement still doesn't make sense because if it was the shadow on the moon that changed the phases then there would in fact be less of the surface of the moon lit. Whereas in the real world, the same amount of the surface of the moon is always lit, its just not the part that's facing us.
...I don't understand the cold open.
And, yeah, this ain't going to end well. Who wants to guess Tydal won't be able to bring himself to hit it for some silly reason?
Are you trying to make a point here?
Either or.
HAH!
QuiTE, not quiet. And considering most Spooky things are nocturnal and she is the Princess of the NIGHT...
That was a terrible pun.
Clever.
I see.
Everyone reading this: GET ONE WITH IT.
WHAT THE?! Pinkie, are you CRAZY!? Shooting Cadence while the rest of her family is RIGHT THERE?!
Yep.
Uh, you may want to take that back!
See?
He really won't.
4720653
Doubt it.
Rofl, if you were in front of me right now instead of this computer monitor, I'd kiss you, you glorious bastard.
4720478
Well Tim Burton isn't in jail yet, and neither are half the drivers on the interstate, so...
Seems about par for the course