Whip It... Whip It Good
"So..." Mary Sue said lazily, tossing a ball up into the air, "...anypony have a fun activity we could do?"
Instead of answering Derpy yawned, her wings fluttering before she settled back down next to the Doctor. The shade of the old oak tree there were lying under cast a wonderful shadow that kept the rays of the sun from burning their flanks. It was a muggy summer day and none of the Hooves family wanted to move an inch.
This wasn't that unusual; almost every pony in Equestria was feeling the same way. Royal decrees had gone out early in the morning that Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Captain Armor were alive; better still, the capricorns had declared, due to proof given by the Zebrica ambassador that Lord Tydal was still among the living, that they would be postponing their vengeance upon Equestria. Princess Twilight had declared it a national holiday and everyone in Ponyville was taking the day off. Even Sugarcube Corner was closed, as the Cake family had decided to take advantage of the declaration and taking the twins to the beach for the first time.
The Doctor had surprised them all by suggesting they have a picnic and bundled up the group and headed off to a little-known swimming hole a few miles west of Ponyville. Derpy and Mary Sue had package a lunch, Dinky had excitedly grabbed beach blankets, and even Sparkler had taken a rare day off from her studies (the mare was trying to get her degree in physics… she just KNEW there had to be a rational explanation for everything the Doctor did) to join them. After a hearty lunch the adults had lounged under the oak tree while Dinky swam about the pond, but even the filly had finally grown tired and trotted over to them, giving them a smile before collapsing in a heap.
"Zzzzzzz," she snored, her leg twitching slightly.
"Mary, can you not simply enjoy a day off?" the Doctor said, his eyes shut as he tried to catch a quick cat nap.
The red maned, black coated alicorn sighed. "I want to... I just feel like it is a waste of a good day to just do nothing."
"I disagree," the Doctor said. "Sometimes we need to do nothing. Life is full of random events and wild actions and bustling hustling tustling abouts. It is only when we pause and take a deep breath that we are able to truly enjoy ourselves... and enjoy life."
"Mmmm, that's it," Derpy murmuring in her sleep. "Yeah, work it... do it like that... you naughty boy... put that butter on my breakfast... mmm, it makes it taste so good..."
The Doctor and Mary Sue carried on as if Derpy hadn't said a word. "The point is, Miss Sue, that life doesn't have to always be about adventures."
It was at that point that an astronaut emerged from the pond.
"Well... that seems familiar," The Doctor said, leaping up (and sending Derpy tumbling head over rear). He grabbed his sonic screwdriver and leapt in front of his family. "Alright then, don't think for a moment that I am going to allow you to harm them."
"I am not interested in harming them," the astronaut said, removing her helmet.
The Doctor's jaw dropped as he stared at the blonde-maned unicorn mare that stood before him. Mary rubbed her eyes, wondering if this were all some strange dream, while Sparkler looked over at Derpy and Dinky, then back at the mare. The improbable astronaut had removed all her gear, revealing her cutie mark: an hourglass encased in a bubble.
"Hey, its a grown-up me!" Dinky said excitedly.
Adult-Dinky nodded as a red Tardis emerged from the lake. "Time is broken, Doctor... we must leave at once!"
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 21: Whip it... Whip it Good
"You'll never get away with this!" Luna shouted at the pirates as they doublechecked the ropes they were using to restrain her. She was struggling to break free but found that the Spell Blocker Device that the pirates had brought with them rendered her barely as strong as a filly. Her divine strength had been stolen from her, as had her magic. She could still fly, of course, and had attempted to escape through an open window, but the pirates had shot a net gun at her and quickly brought her down to earth.
Zeena had ribbed them that Whiplash and his crew had two special talents: creating mood whiplashes (convenient, that) and taking down immortal beings. She’d pointed out that he’d already captured 28 of her children, forcing her to pay ransom after ransom to get them back (she didn’t want to, since she had plenty hanging around, but one had to keep up appearances).
"Ar, ya think this be the first time we done this, poppet?" Captain Whiplash asked, his pegleg clicking against the stone floor as he paced in front of them.
"It must be, the way you are tying these ropes!" Cadence complained. She shifted a bit and the hemp that was holding her grew loose. "You should have twisted these ends three times around each other before looping them together. Here, let me show you!" She trotted over to a zebra shaman and stuck out her tongue as she worked on tying him up.
"Sweetheart, could you please stop helping the kidnappers?" Shining asked.
"But they aren't doing it right!" Cadence whined, stomping her hoof.
"Why are you so calm about being tied up?" Zeena asked the captain.
"Er..." Shining said, blushing.
"Now then, I understand that you had to use what you had on hoof, but I find that rope does not work well as a gag." Cadence trotted along the ranks of pirates, the surly mob having grabbed pads of paper and begun to take notes. She gestured towards the servant that Shining had tried to strangle to death. "See, the rope is simply too thin to muffle her screams.” She turned to the servant and glared. “Hush ma’am, I’m educating our kidnappers!” She turned back to the pirates. “Besides, if you want to dominate your sexual partner-"
"Prisoners, Cadence," Celestia said sweetly. "We are their prisoners."
"Meh, same difference. Anyway, when you gag them you want to humiliate them a touch. Next time, try using a pair of old panties. Or ball gags... I have a great ball gag guy."
"She does," Shining said, only to earn a glare from the others. "Well... she does."
"You did really good work on Tydal, though!" Cadence trotted over to the capricorn, who had been placed in a straight jacket, had his tail tied to his legs, been shoved onto a handtruck (or is it a hooftruck?) and had a steel muzzle placed over his snout. The zebra filly Tydal had bonded with (whom he’d nicknamed Giggles), sat next to him, rubbing up against his leg like a kitty cat. "Do you have something you'd like to tell the class, Tydal?"
Tydal glared at Whiplash as Cadence pulled the mask away to let him speak. "You murdered this filly's mother... you abandoned her... you have captured my family and ripped our powers away. I am going to get out of here, Captain... I don't know how and I don't know when, but mark my words, I will get out. And when I do, I am going to eat your liver with fava beans and a nice chianti!” Tydal thrust his face forward, making sucking sounds.
"Maybe we should stick panties in that one's mouth," Whiplash muttered as Cadence put Tydal’s mask back on.
Cadence sat down next to Chrysalis, commenting to the pirate who was tying her about his technique. "You know, you were the best villain to ever capture me,” she said offhandedly to Chrysalis.
"You mean it?" Chryssy asked hopefully; she had been feeling kinda down, being stuck with only one form (even if it was her beautiful bug-pony form), and a compliment like that was needed to boost her spirits.
"Of course!" Cadence said happily, scooting closer to her former captor. "First off, you did it much quieter than these pirates. And the way you managed to entrap me? Genius!"
"Well... I did put a lot of work into finding those crystal caverns. I didn't even get the symbolism of putting the Crystal Princess in a Crystal cage... I just lucked out!"
"Sometimes that is the best way to do things: pure luck." Cadence held out her hooves to give the pirate who was ensnaring her better access to her limbs. "You taunted me quite well too!"
"Oh, I am so glad you noticed that! I put a lot of work into that speech."
"And it showed." Cadence leaned in close. "By the way, thanks for setting up those speakers so we could sing our duet."
Chrysalis sighed. "So many villains fail to think about duets with their hostages. It is part of the magic and theater of the crime!"
"Our time was a golden one," Cadence said with a sad smile. She reached over and petted Humpers the monkey, who was also tied up. "All the villains these days are too flashy and have no substance. 'Grrrr, I'm going to take your Crystal Heart!' 'Blarg, I'm a better flyer than you Rainbow Dash!' 'Arg, we won't let you return those pants because you didn't bring a receipt!'" Cadence shook her head. "The younger generation just doesn't understand the dance that is being a villain."
Luna leaned over to add her two bits. "Tell me about it. All their plans nowadays are so boring!" She waved her tied up hooves towards Captain Whiplash. "He wants to ransom us. Ok, mildly interesting... but I wanted to bring about eternal night. Chrysalis wanted to steal all the love from Equestria. Discord tried to corrupt harmony itself. Tydal had a doomsday plot that would result in genocide!"
"I am standing right here, lass," Whiplash complained.
"Shhh, the big ponies are talking," Luna said. "It makes me so sad to see all the grace and drama leaving the good villains. I mean, these pirates have us at their mercy and not a single one of them as attempted to rape us!"
"Ar, we’d never do that," Whiplash's first mate said. "We find none of ya mares attractive."
Shining gulped nervously. "Uh, could we not go down this path?"
Another pirate laughed. "Honey, don't worry... you aren't even a blip on our radar."
"Oh good."
"Then what are you attracted to?" Chrysalis asked.
"Sharks," Whiplash said.
Tydal's eyes went to pinpricks and he began to try and hop away.
Zeena glared at the captain. "You are going to pay for this; I want you to realize that. I am going to make sure you pay for your crimes."
“Uh, I just said that five minutes ago,” Luna complained.
"Crimes?" Whiplash asked. "Crimes? What you call crimes-"
"Yes, crimes. Why are you repeating it?" Celestia said in annoyance.
The pirate captain glowered at her. "I was tryin' to set the mood while I began me tragic tale."
"...why?" Celestia asked.
Chrysalis shhhhed the sun goddess. "Let the stallion perform!"
"Thank you." Whiplash cleared his throat and several pirates rushed over to the windows and covered them with heavy fabric, send the chamber into darkness. The hostages flinched when they heard a click, only to tilt their heads in confusion as a spotlight shone down on Whiplash. His parrot abandoned its gun turret and pulled out a tiny violin, tuning it for a few moments before drawing the bow across the strings. The opening strings of a sad, heartwrenching number filled the air as one of the pirates dragged in a piano and joined the pirate.
"Dramatic much?" Luna huffed.
Celestia smirked. "Said little miss 'The night shall last forever! Bwahahahaha!'."
"Cram it."
"I was born a poor child," Whiplash said taking a step forward and tilting his head skyward, removing his hat and placing it over his breast. "Me mum was a scullery maid and me da worked on the docks for bits."
"Why are you talking like you are from Grifland?" Shining asked.
"That shall be explained," the pirate said as his crew hurried behind him, drawing from their bags different pieces of scenery until they formed an entire backdrop for him to perform in front of. It depicted the crumbling, rusting façade of Leodon. "When I was but a wee lad of the age of 10 I felt a mighty pain in me stomach. Hunger had caught me in its grip and I resorted to stealing a loaf of bread-"
"And you were unjustly thrown into prison for such a crime, causing you to become a criminal?" Cadence asked.
"No lass, I covered it in concrete and used it to rob a bank."
"I'm doubting the validity of this story," Shining said as he looked at the Playbill one of the pirates had handed him.
Zeena shook her head sadly. "Unfortunately, assault with a bready weapon account for 38% of our crime rate in Zebrica."
Whiplash continued "The crime ignited in me a fire... one that begged me to commit more crimes in order to stoke its flames. I went to the local baker to get more bread but he refused to sell to me because I was not wearing a hat."
"...what?" Luna said.
Again, Zeena supplied the answer. "It is well known in Zebrica that all bakers subscribe to a strict 'no hat, no scarf, no jaunty vest, no service'."
"Can we switch with you?" Shining asked. "Our bakers spend all their time spreading gossip."
"The baker decided to struggle with me as I attempted to escape with the flakey weapons. I got in one little fight but me mum got scared and said "You’re movin' in with your uncle and aunty in Bel Air"."
Everyone turned as the parrot swapped his violin and began to beatbox while the piano-playing pirate pulled out a keytar.
Luna clicked her hooves together as best she could, what with them being tied up. "This is all very interesting and I am sure would make a lovely sitcom but I have just a small, itty bitty question."
"Yes?" Captain Whiplash asked.
"WHAT THE (CENSORED!) DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH YOU BECOMING A PIRATE AND DECIDED TO KIDNAP ALL OF US?!?!"
Captain Whiplash signaled for the spotlight to be turned off and the pirates stopped the music. "Well, if you really want the ending spoiled-"
"NO!" Chrysalis shouted, only for Luna to whap her across the head.
"-while I was sailing to Bel Air our ship was attacked by this very crew of pirates. I was made into a cabin boy but saw very quickly that the captain of that vessel was a cruel taskmaster. And thus, at the age of 11, I led the mutiny that saw the captain overthrown. We made him walk the plank and he was gobbled up by those beautiful... elegant... graceful... sexy sharks..."
Tydal began to hop away again when the pirates began to stare at his tail with lust-filled eyes. Giggles laughed and playfully followed after him.
"...and in the elections that followed I was elected the new captain."
"Election?" Zeena said, raising an eyebrow.
One of the pirates gave her a sour look. "Ar, that be right, poppet! Unlike ye and yar herd, we pirates have a strict democracy!"
"Question," Cadence said, holding up her hooves. "Why would a roving band of pirates who spend all their time pillaging and killing elect a prepubescent colt to be their captain?"
"That is a very good question," Whiplash said as his parrot switched tapes. "And I guess I should tell you..."
Pirates
He's gonna tell!
He's gonna tell!
He's gonna tell, he's gonna tell
He's gonna tell!
"No, stop that!" Shining cried out waving his forelegs. "None of that!"
Whiplash (striking a dramatic pose while the pirates get back out the piano)
Oh... I... am...
the very model of a modern major general
Of killiing I know a bit
Wounding horribly and terminal
I've hunted the lords of Grifland
And assassinated princes quite historical!
I am the very model of a modern major general!
Pirates (grabbing Zeena and the heads of several zebra tribes and hefting them into the air)
He is the very model of a modern major general
Of killiing he knows a bit
Wounding horribly and terminal
He's hunted the lords of Grifland
And assassinated princes quite historical!
He is the very model of a modern major general!
Whiplash (dancing out the door with the pirates still carrying Zeena and the other zebras)
I am the very model of a modern major general!
Manehattan to Zeena’s Loo
I’ve robbed them all categorical
I'm very well acquainted
with matters mathematical
I am the very model of a modern major general!
"You have to admit, it is quite catchy," Cadence said, bobbing her head as the music tailed off.
"Indeed," Chrysalis said. "However, I do wish they would have gone with a duet."
"Do you want to sing one?" Cadence asked.
"I'd be delighted!" Chrysalis said, clearing her throat.
Chrysalis
I'm all alone
Cadence
She's all alone
Chrysalis
All by myself
Cadence
Except for me
Chrysalis Cadence
I can not face tomorrow She can not face it!
Chrysalis
I'm all alone
Cadence
Though I am here
Chrysalis
I'm all alone
Cadence
So very near
Chrysalis
No one to share my sorrow
Celestia
It seems quite clear to me
this tale's become quite a blot
And we've lost... the entire plot
“Dada bye bye,” Giggles said, looking around in confusion, interrupting the song. Tears welled up in her eyes and Tydal, with a growl, forced himself to fall to the ground so he was eyelevel with her. He began to do his chest rumbles again and the filly happily cuddled up next to him, letting out happy chuckles as the vibration soothed her.
Luna's brow furrowed. "Wait a minute... they just took Zeena!"
"GASP!" all the zebras cried out.
"We're tied up here with no way to escape!" Shining cried out.
"GASP!" all the zebras again cried out.
"There's a sale at Penny's!" Celestia exclaimed.
"..."
"What, none of you've watched AIRPLANE!; it's a classic!" The solar goddess huffed. "Apparently I'm the only one never allowed to make a joke..."
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So when i began this chapter I honestly did not know what I was going to do with it. I knew I had to have the cast tied up and there had to be several mood whiplashes, but I honestly was kinda stuck.
But as I began to write, more and more jokes piled up and well... we get this. A whip-lash-filled chapter with singing, heartbreak, humor and a parrot.
I think I need a neck brace.
I found this one amusing as hell. Keep up the good work!
That poor poor mare, she's going to go quite quite mad if she keeps thinking like that.
Plus
Yay, Spamalot
Ok so the pirates want to have at it with sharks...interesting, Tydal would have had a bad time if they had stayed on the ship instead of taking Zeena
You know. I once tried to summaries this fic to a friend. I spent about 5 minutes with my mouth open, I couldn't even think where to start.
Nice touch with the modern major general bit. I love that play.
i don't remember that airplane scene...
Oh the sweet, delicious irony!
They HAVE lost the plot.
But that's the most sensible thing that could possibly have been said in this series thus far!
Great!
Captain Whiplash didn't shout for his chorus? That would have helped a bit.
I have to ask, who's your dealer? Because I could go for a blunt right about now.
A maddening chapter, Cadence was great giving tips to the pirates on proper ways to tie someone up. But I guess no arc is complete without at least one song.
3061346
You don't remember the "There's a Sale at Penny's!" joke? It's a classic!
3063466 yeah, well. my mind's not all there so I'm hoping to at least be considered for the role of deadpool if they make a movie.
Right, things have gotten rather silly. Colonel, if you would.
The Colonel from Monty Python: Right, yes, stop all this silliness. Everyone, move it along, nothing to see here...
(I hope I did that joke right)
3065263
Shining takes a lot of crap... but when you push him too far, he does explode and it makes him one of the most dangerous members of the group
3067397 You didn't honestly think he became captain of the royal guards just to make Princess Celestia feel good and have mares swoon over him did you?
Everybody uses the "Shirley" joke for Airplane. While it is friggin' spectacular, it's also nice to see somebody branching out.
And whatever villanous plan Celestia had doesn't count, because she pulled it off and history is written by the victorious. Also, it turned Equestria into what it is now. I suppose she wided mankind or something.
And villains with a talent to change the mood of a situation, could easily some surprise serious moments to this story. I fear what they could do. I fear they could kill some stablished character. I am thinking of Fuzzy, who you may think of killing off, due to his parallels with Albus D.
And something else. Will we see the rest of Vynil and Octavia's visit to Octavia's family? It's not like I want to see more of that, I am not really a fan of Vynil, Octavia or Game of Thrones, it's more about closing that storyline.
3074021
It will be addressed. I am currently considering doing a chapter towards the end of the month that is nothing but cold opens and finishing their stories before the Squad goes on Mid_Season Break and they go to guest star in 'Crisis of Infinite Twilights'
3074907
Is that so?
img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/3a63db1c335efe7f2bd792f7070dc01e1363864571_full.jpg
3106382
Much like other great shows/movies/books where there is a ton of humor... sometimes you need dramatic moments to change things up. Hurting foals is a berserk button for Tydal but I like the idea that he swapped with Shining and it was Captain Armor who went mass murderer.
Now, as I write this, I realize I missed a perfect chance to half Shining ask "Permission to Kill" and have Tydal go "Denied." and Shining to reply, "Damn that is annoying."
Oh well
"John Madden! John Madden! John Madden!"
And suddenly, Princess fought the urge to elicit a shudder of horror, though she knew not why.
3106578 there's always next time dude.
Wait, so Captain Whiplash is both prepubescent and a father?! How does that work!?
Laughed my ass off until it got to the singing, I personally never liked songs in a story much, but it's whatever, had, Celestia tried to make a joke, nice
Gods have all the fun
Wow, this is confusing...
3131460 not try the impossible astronaut episode of doctor who!
Whelp, that was odd...
Derpy is best Goku.
Fanfic. Now.
Which just makes it easier for you.
Not surprised.
It really was.
Sometimes all you need is luck.
She did, didn't she?
I know, I know.
I know.
I know, and for a while, both you and Discord WON.
Poor guy.
She's right.
As am I.
You're not serious, are you?
Now I KNOW you're not serious.
Jack diddly squat of course.
Good question.
Oh god, another song.
The Modern Major General Song. Huh,
Apparently not.
Baum... baum-baum, baum-baum! Ba-da-baum, baum-baum! baum-baum, baum-baum! Ba-doom-ba-doom-ba-doom-
Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped; turned upside down, And i'd like to take a minute and I will; tell you how I became the princess of a town called Ponyville.
Why am I reminded of those singing pirates from Monkey Island?