Baby Blues
"I am so glad you were able to come, Professor Fuzzy Thinker."
The bearded griffin smiled at Twilight, giving her a low bow. There weren’t many ponies in the throne room that day but the old griffin didn’t mind in the slightest. "Of course, Princess... it has been too long since I have visited Equestria. I only wish my sisters were here."
Twilight smiled, shifting slightly as she tried to find some what to make the royal throne a bit more comfy on the rump ('oh, if only my flank weren't so firm!' she thought). "Yes, but as I said earlier, they went to go get cigarettes... they are certainly NOT dead!"
"Yes... quite," Fuzzy said, his eyes twinkling. "Now then, I need-"
"Not dead!" Twilight reiterated.
"-ok then. Now, as I was saying, I need to go do some things in my bedroom with the door locked… which is NOT masturbating."
"Right," Twilight said.
"...not masturbating."
"Not dead."
"Agreed. So, I would like you to keep an eye on my young apprentice." Fuzzy turned to Hairy Grabber. "Be mindful of the Princess, Hairy."
"Yes, Professor," Hairy said, watching as Fuzzy strolled out of the room, his robes nearly getting caught in the closing door. "You do know he is going to go pleasure himself, right?"
"But he said he wasn't," Twilight complained.
"He is, though."
"Gross," Twilight muttered, motioning for the guards to leave her with the griffish wizard. "At least you don't have to share a room with him."
"Thank Starswirl for that!" Hairy said. "Do you know that on the entire boat ride here he kept asking to take a bloody shower with me!"
"...you mean bloody as in a curse or bloody as in the water was made of blood?"
"The curse."
Twilight's eyes lit up. "Oh my goodness... my mentor does the same thing to me!"
Hairy laughed. "Does she give you all these crazy tasks and not give you all the information you need?"
"YES!" Twilight exclaimed, leaping off the throne and trotting around Hairy. "Does your mentor pit you against super powerful villains and refuse to let you use deadly force."
"All the time!" Hairy exclaimed. "And you know what I hate?"
"Let's say it at the same time!" Twilight said with a huge grin. "Three... two... one..."
"I hate it when my mentor lets me worry about something that isn't that important and seems to get sick joy out of me worrying!" both of them said.
Hairy shook his head. "And... and I thought I was the only one!"
"Me too!" Twilight exclaimed, staring at Hairy directly.
Hairy looked at her, a dopey grin on his face. "Well... it is good to know there is somegriff out there like me... suffering."
"Yeah," Twilight said, moving closer. "Maybe we can be great friends!" She paused. "Or we can just do it right here on Celestia's throne."
"Works for me!" Hairy said, tackling her. “Now Draco can’t call me a virgin ever again!”
Neither noticed Fluttershy staring at them through one of the windows, her face a mask of lust, rage, and lust again.
“Damn you Hairy Grabber,” she whispered.
The God Squad: Equestria's Most Wanted
Episode 11: Baby Blues
"So," Shining said, a smirk on his face, "a crate, huh?"
"It wasn't a crate!" Tydal complained, still caught in his mother's hug. "It was a crib... top of the line. Unlike your country bumpkin folks, my mother can afford the finer things in life."
Chrysalis frowned. "Maybe I am missing something here, but in my hive that would be called a crate... or a cage."
"A crib is basically a cage for babies," Luna stated. “And we feed them with bottles like we do hamsters… babies are basically hamsters.”
Celestia glanced at her sister. “Yes… if you ignore them for three days, they die.”
“Oh, you are never going to let me live that down!”
"It wasn't a crate or a cage!" Tydal snapped. "Yes, it was made of steel and had bars and a padlock..." He turned to look at his mother, realization dawning upon his features. "You put me in a crate?"
"You kept chewing through the slats of your crib," Tau stated.
"Is that why Merida laughed at me when I complained about Coral and Misty's cribs not have lids?!?!" He shook his head in shock. "WHY DID YOU PUT ME IN A CRATE!?!"
"You have to ask?" Shining asked.
"I WILL GUT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"
The unicorn merely laughed louder and longer. "Maybe we should crate you right now!"
"AAAAARRRRRHHHH!!" Tydal roared, Celestia and Luna holding him back.
"You can't fight!" Cadence whined. "I don't have any oil for you two to rub all over your hot, sexy bodies!"
Chrysalis looked at Shining, licking her lips. “By all means, wait until she gets the oil.”
Tau shook her head. "Tydal, sit down." The capricorn instantly took a seat, though he still glared daggers at Shining. "Now then, let me get back to my story..."
~Thousands of years ago...~
"Why does he look like that?" Zeena said, staring at her baby brother.
Tau shrugged, setting Tydal on the ground. "Well, after the success I had with Fuzzy I decided that I wanted to create a creature that could go on the land and the sea. I think I am going to call him a capricorn." She reached over and pinched Tydal's cheek.
Tydal merely glared at her, forelegs crossed over his chest.
"No, I mean why hasn't he smiled yet."
Tau frowned. "Yeah... not quite sure what is up with that. He just kinda glares at everyone and threatens them."
"Threatens them?" the current war god and future scholar god asked.
"Ba ba ba ba ba!" Tydal exclaimed, pointing at Fuzzy before drawing his hoof across his throat.
"That means 'I love you!'," Tau said happily. "Or 'I am going to slit your throat... I'm not sure which."
"I have a theory..." Discord stated. He leaned down, pressing his face to Tydal's. "Come on now, baby brother... why so serious?"
Tydal glowered, before reaching over and grabbing one of Discord's teeth. "Ba!" he snapped, tugging and ripping it out of the draconequus' mouth.
"AAAA!" Discord cried out, cupping his face as blood gushed down. "Not my tooth! My precious modeling career!"
Tau tapped her paw in annoyance, glaring at Tydal as he inspecting his prize. "Tydal! Bad baby!"
The capricorn looked at the tooth, then his mother, then promptly burst into tears.
"Aw, it's ok, baby, it's ok!" Tau patted her little kid on the head. Tydal merely screamed even louder, eyes screwed up as he wailed, forelegs flailing. Tau turned towards Discord, Zeena and Fuzzy and sighed. "Can you watch him while I go get some popsicles? We are all out and those always calm him down."
“Him?!?” Discord exclaimed. “I am the one that is bleeding!”
“He’s just a baby,” Tau reasoned. “He doesn’t know any better. Now, I want you three to watch him and bond with him.”
The zebra goddess frowned. "Uh, I don't-"
"Thank you Zeena!" Tau lifted her paw up and snapped her fingers, disappearing in a shower of light. The moment she was gone Tydal blinked, his wails cut off and his eyes instantly drying.
"Did... did he just trick our mother?" Zeena asked, looking down at her baby brother. Tydal merely stared at her, head tilted to one side.
"Well, the joke is on you, baby brother," Discord said, snatching his tooth back. "Without mother her to protect you, I think it is time I play a game I just created called 'Tydal Ball'." The chaos god grinned, reaching down to snatch up the capricorn and punt him into the next county.
Discord blinked when he found his hands empty.
"What the-"
Tydal, who had leapt from Discord's grasp, scurried out of the room as fast as his little legs could carry him.
"Should we go after him?" Zeena asked.
"Who cares?" Fuzzy stated. "What trouble could he-"
Tydal leapt back into the room, a steak knife clenched between his teeth. Discord's eyes widened as Tydal jumped onto him, the baby's little hooves grabbing the knife and plunging it into the chaos god's left side. "AAAAAAA!" Tydal merely began to saw away at Discord's wing, grunting as he did so. "Get it off!! Get it off!"
Fuzzy reached over, knocking the knife away. He grabbed Tydal by the scruff of the neck, the baby thrashing in annoyance as he tried to escape. "Hey! As much as I find our brother in pain to be funny, you shouldn't-" The griffin's retort was cut off... along with part of his beard.
"His... his tail..." Zeena said nervously. Tydal looked down at his tail, swinging it once more and cutting Fuzzy on the cheek. The capricorn baby looked back at his tail, watching as a droplet of blood fell from it.
"Heeheehee," the baby giggled, flashing them a toothless grin.
"He's smiling!" Fuzzy shouted in shock.
"Maybe it is a good sign?" Zeena said weakly.
"BA!" Tydal screamed, trying to cut off Fuzzy's beak.
"RUN!" Discord screamed, the three adults dropping Tydal and rushing out of the room. The baby capricorn giggled and chased after them, his tail occasionally lashing out and cutting up the walls and furniture. "In here!" Discord shouted, opening up a broom closet. The three hurried inside, shutting it just as Tydal turned the corner. They heard his little hoof-falls as he darted past them, babbling as he did so.
"Are... are we safe?" Zeena asked.
"I... I think we are," Discord said, lighting a match.
"Ba ba ba!" Tydal said from a shelf behind them. He leaned in and blew out the match.
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" The three gods burst out of the closet, Tydal snorting as he tried to keep up.
"In here!" Zeena shouted, ripping open a door and pushing her brothers into the pool room. Discord snapped his fingers, creating a small boat, which the three of them hurriedly leapt into. "Don't worry... mother said she made him to not be able to handle water."
Fuzzy blinked. "...she said she built him TO LIVE IN WATER!"
"I'm pretty sure I remember what our mother said," Zeena snapped. She turned her head and let out a huff.
And that's when she saw the little green fin cutting through the water.
"Do you ever tired of being wrong!" Discord wailed, backing away from the edges of the boat. They watched the little fin circle around them, cutting through the water with ease. "This isn't how I wanted to die!"
"How did you want to die?" Fuzzy asked., clinging to his big brother.
"On a big pile of money surrounded by many sexy ladies," Discord bemoaned.
Zeena frowned. "Really? I thought you wanted to die by being turned into a statue."
"Why would you think-"
"RAWR!"
The three gods screamed as Tydal leapt from the water, forelegs stretched out...
...only to do a belly flop several feet away from them.
"What the?" Fuzzy asked, watching as Tydal popped back up, his little face scrunched up in confusion. "What happened?"
"His diaper!" Zeena said with a laugh, watching as Tydal tried to leap up again, only to do another belly flop. "Its water logged and dragging him down!"
"HA!" Discord laughed. "See, that's why you fail, baby brother! We don't have to-"
Tydal ripped off his diaper and threw it at Discord.
"Aw crap," Fuzzy muttered as Tydal began to circle them again, much faster this time. The capricorn cut through the water with acute agility. The three gods trembled as he dove under, gaining speed. Tydal let out another roar and leapt at them and the three gods shut their eyes.
Seconds ticked by and nothing happened.
Finally, Zeena opened her eyes and found Tydal floating near her, happily sucking on a popsicle. Tau grinned from where she stood at the edge of the pool, her horn glowing as she rocked her baby back and forth.
"I think he likes the red ones because they look like blood," Tau said, drawing Tydal over to her. The baby didn't even pay attention, as he was too busy sucking on his treat. "Discord... why is there a diaper on your face?"
~MC~MC~MC~
The rest of the group stared at Tydal as Tau finished her story.
"What?" Tydal said in annoyance. "None of you tried to kill your family as infants?"
“That explains so much and yet so little,” Shining stated.
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i36.photobucket.com/albums/e26/defender2222/babytydal_zps808df4d1.png
All of my Lols
I think Discord summed up how several of us want to die.
Is Zeena's bit that she makes incorrect assumptions?
Awww man, baby Tydal is awesome.
This made my day. Every time you update, my life becomes a little bit more worthwhile.
2505928 Ad'aaawable.
2505967
Yup. While Zecora is usually right about things, Zeena tends to guess wrong. That's why she has been married 115 times.
Also, I can see now WHY Discord dislikes Tydal enough to want to mess with Celestia and Luna (a form of payback against the Capricorn god for tearing out his tooth and being an annoying/homicidal infant).
Seriously, laughed till I turned the same color a Twilight cause of this chapter, so keep up the great work.
2506065 As much as Cadance has gotten it on she should be the one pregnant not Twi... but it makes sense.
I think that the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is one of the few things you havent ripped off, or I'm just not looking hard enough
2506293
Well, Cadence likes sex and fetishes in general. While she'd likely one day experiment with doing it while pregnant, I doubt she'd enjoy giving birth. I have yet to meet one mother who said they enjoyed that part.
As to Tydal ripping out Dicord's one tooth, that is a good explanation as to why he only has the one, and this nonsensical story, through it's insanity, fills in so many plot holes left by the show.
All the songs you link make perfect sense, I love the one day more parody the best
So, this explains everything, Tydal is an overprotective, genocidal wacko with serous family issues. Sounds like some-capricorn needs more pills than Cadence!
2506501
I doubt ANYONE besides maybe Tau could get him to take pills of ANY sort. He'd probably slaughter any doctor who said there was anything wrong with him...
Excellent chapter as always! Gotta love the daily dose of insanity.
2506671 these pills here induce a more euphoric feel of acomplishment when you rip someonews head off.
Oh yes Team Four Star reference.
2505928 My headcanon is that Tydal is blue.
And it's going to stay that way.
Also daw.
2505928 Wait. Why does Tydal get onto Celestia and Luna for fighting, but he gets to try and kill his brothers and sister?
2506065
I like that idea^^
2506804
Well played, good sir. Well played indeed.
2506293
Except she's the one doing the raping.
Baby Tydal is awesome and loved how much he keeps attempting to kill his family.
2506804
unless that pill hits instantly (and is a heavy hitter) that'll only work the one time as he would be prone to use you as a test to see if it works
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/215/167/Capturederp.jpg
2508261
derpicdn.net/thumbs/1100/500/2012/08/24/09_58_20_874_81675__UNOPT__safe_woona_artist_egophiliac_science_moonstuck_woonastuck_science_woona
2519053
Oh trust me, I plan to use my Blog to set up a Pokemon X and Y trading club... I need me my Donphan (the greatest of all Pokemon)
2519419
cdn.memestache.com/2012/7/25/0bb313983cd2a03ec81ff9ae44255e3f.jpg
Also...
Inb4 Rule 34.
Hairy Grabber (
...
)X Princess Twilight Sparkle is copyrighted to Defender2222. Copy, and he'll sic the entire Capricorn species on your ass. 
Damn....I'm going to die from laughing so hard and Fluttershy
Now I want to watch Jaws and the Dark Knight at the same time
This was bucking perfect, an evil baby that's funny as shit....whew!!!
"...That's why she has been married 115 times." hey,thats my lucky number! lol
You know, the moment I saw the green texgt about the fin rising above water, I thought of the Jaws theme immediatly, I click the link, it's the jaws theme. Somepony please get that phone because I f*cking called it!
4014929 Before you go getting all excited...YOU AIN'T THE ONLY ONE, CHUCKO!!!
4014929
*slaps you* you are not cooler!!
4014929 You ain't the only one!
I couldn't stop laughing... Especially when Tydal realized how abnormal his childhood was, as cruel as that makes me. And I'm with Shining on this... It explains so much and so little. I've kind of cone to the conclusion Tydal and Justice4243's Dan would either get along like a house on fire(possibly literally), or end up sworn enemies.
Oh phew.
That works.
Nope.
You have no shame.
Chrysalis: What can I say? I am what I am.
YOUCH, and here I thought Discord just had one tooth because it fit his asymmetrical chaotic appearance.
You had to ask.
That would be a no.
Some babies really need a spanking.