A living anachronism who is on a two year mission in Los Angeles, California.
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Now, as you know, I am a brony. I watched the show, saw the PMVs, read the comics, loved the art, and endlessly poured over the piles of fanfiction every chance I got. I’ve read plenty of Human in Equestria fics, so I know what is supposed to happen when the human(s) meet the ponies. Hopefully all of those hours sampling different fics will aid me in steering the conversation in the right direction.
“Can we all just calm down and have a civil conversation?” I began. “Now I’m sure that y’all have plenty of questions, and I think we can best answer them if we take questions one at a time.” I glanced around nervously to double-check on the chaos level. Nothing yet. “To set the example, I would like to volunteer to answer the first round of questions.” Please Alkaios, just rein in that temper of yours. Show some of that fabled Spartan discipline!
Rainbow surged forward, oh no. Please don’t start a fight. I don’t know who would win. I DO know that I would be silently rooting for Dash though. “What are you things anyway? And why are you here? Are you spies for some sort of invading army?” She was right up in my face for that last bit. Huh, she ought to brush her teeth. Curses! My images of perfect ponies have been tarnished by the poor dental care of Rainbow Dash!
“Well, we are humans. Scientific name, Homo sapiens. We have no idea why we are here, but it seems that a bit of Discord’s magic has something to do with it. And to answer your question, no, we’re not spies.” I paused and re-evaluated what I said for a second, “Well, actually... Annabeth here kinda used to be one, but it was to protect her homeland against an invading army, so it’s kinda different.”
The orange cowpony (I can’t believe I actually have a reason to use that word) spoke up, “Now hold on fer’ one dang minute. How exactly do ya know about Discord? I thought y’all weren’t from around here!” Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. Explanation time.
Suspicious pony is suspicious; for a good reason. I need to be very careful about this. “I can explain that as well. You see, in my previous... dwelling place, there were stories told about this place. I know quite a bit about you six and your adventures here in Ponyville. My fellow humans only know bits that I have told them.” I held up my hands to ward off the oncoming barrage of questions I knew would follow. “I don’t have any clue as to how my people could have known about you all in such detail, but that’s the way it is. Think of it as Pinkie’s inexplicable senses.”
Twilight eye twitched involuntarily at the mention of Pinkie’s senses while the rest of their eyes widened at this sudden revelation. They seemed to accept the explanation easy enough. I’m reaaaaaly glad they did. I don’t care who you are, if someone walks up to you and says, “Your entire existence is a children’s TV show where I come from,” you aren’t going to believe them. They’d probably receive a swift kick to their ‘family jewels,’ if ya know what I mean. However, if they say, “Ahh, I have finally reached the land of legend,” it sounds WAY better. I’m just glad that they don’t seem to be pressing the matter any further.
Rarity raised a hoof, “Well you’ve told us about what you are, but what about where you are from? You haven’t really told us much about that.” She did raise a valid point. Hmm... How to phrase this?
“Well, we are from the planet Earth. The third planet orbiting the sun in our dimension. Not really sure how it works here, so I’ll just keep on going.” I took a breath to gather my thoughts, “Now, each of us are from different points in time on our planet. I’ll let my friends describe their own times since they can do so better than I possibly could. Now, during my time on earth, man has achieved incredible things. There were close to seven billion people on the earth before I left.”
Everyone gasped, humans and ponies alike. “Seven billion? How is that even possible!?” Annabeth looked to me, totally in shock.
“Well, if you’ll let me continue, that’s only the beginning.” I waited for silence before continuing, “Humans are incredible creatures. We have no magic or natural ability to fly, but we can achieve anything that we set our minds to. We have even walked on the surface of the moon without magic.” Their eyes widened at this. Now for the bad part. Ugh.
“While humans can do incredibly amazing things, there are some who choose to to horrible things. Annabeth comes from one of the darkest times in our history. There was a man who did unspeakable things, and convinced his country to follow along with him. Over sixty million people died.” A dark ambiance fell upon the room. “But the man was brought down, and the world has rebuilt and moved on.” The mood immediately returned to it’s original state. “We were able to move on because of men and women who were wonderful people that pulled the world into a new age of peace and prosperity.” I’ll skip over some of the other wars, don’t want to scar them too badly. I just wanted to let Annabeth know that everything does turn out alright...ish. “When I left the world, it was a very tumultuous place. Full of chaos and order right next to each other, but that’s the thing about humans. You can put every single human who ever existed into a room with each other, and you wouldn’t find two that were the same. All those differences make us kinda hard to get along with, but it also makes us incredibly strong when we work together.”
Everyone sat for awhile, absorbing the information that had just been dumped upon them. We all sat in silence for a moment contemplating all this. Finally, something very surprising happened.
“Umm... you’ve told us about your people and the world you came from.... but, um.... you haven’t really told us anything about, um... well, yourself.... So, um... could you, please... if you don’t mind, that is...” Fluttershy talked. SHE TALKED AND IT WAS ADORABLE! She kept on peaking out from under those luscious locks of pink mane.
I think the rest of the mane 6 were just as surprised as I was when she spoke up so boldly. How could I not answer her? There is probably some sort of law that says, “If Fluttershy asks you something, you WILL do whatever it is she asks.” Pretty sure that is a totally legit law. No excuses.
I chuckled. “I’d be happy to tell you more. Let’s see, where to begin....” I scratched my chin. Huh, hardly any stubble after more than a day. I guess facial hair doesn’t grow as fast in Equestria. Who would have known? “Well, I used to be an undercover cop. Think of me as a royal guard who finds the bad guys by dressing up as one and following them around. While that’s not entirely accurate, it is close enough to illustrate my point. I also doubled as the local chemical analyst for the forensics team, but I was hardly ever needed for that. Small town and all. Umm.... when I wasn’t working I was on the computer or playing video games. Sometimes both. I’m kinda distant from my family. I love ‘em to death, but I need my own space, so it’s been awhile since I last saw them.”
Fluttershy spoke up again, “You just told us what you did, but not really too much about you.” Holy cow. Was I just chastised by Fluttershy? I think I was. She seemed to realize how direct her statement was and blushed furiously. She went back to hiding behind her mane again. HHHNNNGGHH.
“Well, I guess you’re right.” I smiled at her to show I wasn’t angry. How could I be? “My favorite color is dark blue. I enjoy long walks late at night. I have, err had a cat named Kuro. I enjoy learning just about anything, and I have dabbled in several languages from around the world. I spend far too much time on forums and blogs. I like reading, and I’ve dabbled in writing a bit as well. I also do a bit of drawing and stuff. I am a bit of a prankster, a terrible flirt, and a hopeless romantic.” May as well be filling out my eHarmony profile while I’m at it.
Rarity chortled a bit at that last remark. She asked, “Did you have anypony special back home?”
Dark memories started to resurface. It must have shown on my face because she started to apologise, but I cut her off, “It’s OK. I don’t have anyone back home, but I used to.... I’d rather not talk about it.”
Rarity took it upon herself to change the subject. “What about your clothes? What sort of fashions are popular in your world?” The other ponies looked at her, not really surprised, but seeming to as a silent, “Really? You’re really going to ask him about clothes?”
“Well, I wear the clothes that I wear to not stand out and to hide my pistol,” I opened my coat to expose my sidearm.
Fang Hua cut me off before I could say anything more. “What exactly is that device? You refer to it as though it is a weapon, but it only looks suitable for clubbing someone over the head, and it doesn’t even look to be that good for that.”
I cleared my throat and explained, “This is indeed a weapon. It fires small bits of metal, called bullets, faster than the eye can see. It is a very dangerous tool in the right hands. I’ll explain more about it later if you would like.” She nodded in affirmation.
Since Fang Hua was content with my response, I continued, “As for the fashion world, I know very little; I mean, I see what most people wear, but I’m hardly at the cutting edge of fashion. I’ll tell you what I do know, but perhaps later. It doesn’t seem fashion is at the peak of everyone’s concerns right now.”
She nodded in acceptance. This left one pony who hadn’t asked a question yet. All eyes turned to Pinkie Pie. She took a deep breath. Oh no. I’m about to be on the receiving end of one of her famous nonstop rambles, aren’t I?
“Do you like cupcakes?” Somehow she was holding a frosted cupcake out to me.
My reaction can best be summed up as this: total shock.
Not only did she NOT go on one of her trademark spiels, she also broke physics by appearifying a cupcake. It was light pink with a white swirl meeting in the middle. I love ponies.
I gingerly reached out and took the cupcake in my hand. I had to quickly run through a mental check list.
: All of the Mane 6 are present, accounted for, and alive.
: No mysterious liquids are dripping from the cupcake.
: It doesn’t appear to have been laced with any sleeping drugs, and my fellow humans
would back me up if I passed out.... probably.
I guess the cupcake is safe.... who am I kidding? Look at her hair. The hair never lies..... it’s just as poofy and crazy as it is in the show. I’m going to ignore everything I’ve learned from the Internet and eat the cupcake.
I looked Pinkie dead in the eyes and said, “I do not like cupcakes...” Her mane started to deflate, and the other ponies gasped. “I LOVE CUPCAKES!” I bit into the fluffy baked good with reckless abandon, smearing icing all over my face. Everyone burst out laughing, even Alkaios! I guess he is coming out of his shell a bit.... Good for him.
It took awhile for the laughter to die down. When if finally did, Annabeth leaned over to me and asked, “Why did you get so quiet when she offered you a cupcake? You looked as though you had seen a ghost.” She looked at me, clearly concerned. Awwww, I think she likes me!
I shuddered. “It’s nothing.... just a horrifying story that should have never been written, let alone read. I’d rather not talk about it.” At least Rainbow Dash didn’t offer to show me the secret on how rainbows were made. Why did I ever read that? What was I expecting? Too late now I suppose... On the bright side, that cupcake was REALLY good.
I started to open my frosting encrusted mouth to start answering questions, but out of the corner of my eye I noticed the sun beginning to set. I guess 20 Questions will have to be saved for later.
“While I’d love to talk away the night, we do have a fairly important issue at hand- er... hoof. Where are we all going to be staying?” Please be Fluttershy’s place. Please be Fluttershy’s place. Please be Fluttershy’s place. Though I suppose Twilight’s library would be awesome too.
Rarity piped up, “Sweetie Belle is staying with our parents right now, so I have room for Annabeth and Fang Hua.” Her eyes shone as she lovingly ran her gaze over Fang Hua’s clothes. If it were anyone else, that would be REALLY creepy.
“I suppose I could always have Isaac and, er, Alkaios sleep in the barn. Plenty of work to be done there.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck. She didn’t appear to be too thrilled to have two aliens in her property. Heh, for a pony, she acts just like a Texan would in that situation.
Alkaios grunted in reply. “I’ve slept in many places that were much worse, and no work you would have us do can compare to the training I’ve endured in order to become one of the King’s elite guards.” Oh boy, I can already imagine him getting into an arm wrestling competition with Big Mac... Twenty bucks on the pony.
Wait a second. Oh dear. Red flag going up about staying with Applejack. “Umm, I’m really grateful for your offer, but I don’t think I can accept.” Please just roll with it AJ.
Of course she’d take it the wrong way. “Is mah hospitality not good enough fer ya? Too much of a city slicker to spend a night in a barn?”
“No no, I’m fine with the barn part, it’s just... Well, no way to sugar coat it really... It’s the food.” I winced in anticipation for the oncoming explosion of angry cowpony.
“Oh Ah get it now. Ya hate apples huh? I’m not sure if ya heard er not, but mah apples are the best from all of Equestria. One bite and y’all l’be hooked.” Oh snap. She’s snorting, pawing the ground, and she has a crazy look in her eyes. If I don’t salvage this situation quick I’ll be in a world of pain.
“Now hold on just one minute now Applejack!” I wave my hands about in an effort to calm her down. I tend to talk with my hands when I’m nervous. “I’m sure that your apples are the best apples in existence, and I’d love to try one.” Argh... how do I tell her this. “However, I can not eat any apples from anywhere.”
She gasped in surprise; being unable to eat apples must be like not having legs to her. “What do ya mean by that? Can’t humans eat apples?”
“Most humans can, but I’ve got this really rare condition that makes it so that the chemical that makes apples sweet, called fructose, makes me sick. It is also in many other things like pears, tomatoes, and onions,” I explained tiredly. I’ve gone over this way too often; it’s grown quite cumbersome to explain.
Twilight jumped at the opportunity to interview a new being. “Maybe he could stay here? We do have room down in the basement for him, and I’d love to learn more about human culture and history.” I wonder how she’ll react to my laptop... If she ever got access to Wikipedia.... she’d never be heard from again. Good thing there is no internet here then.
“I’m OK with that.” Staying in the library is perfect. I’ll get to learn all about Equestrian culture and all the stuff that isn’t mentioned in the show. “Sorry for making you so mad Applejack.”
“Aw, shoot. ‘Taint yer fault. I went and jumped to conclusions. Can ya fergive me?”
I smiled at sincerity in her apology. “No harm done, Applejack. Already forgiven and forgotten.”
Rarity chimed in, “Not that this little moment isn't touching, but we had better be on our way. Spike has been keeping an eye on the Boutique for me, and it is getting close to his bed time.”
“I guess we had better be going with you then, Rarity.” Annabeth motioned to herself and Fang Hua.
The girls followed Rarity out the door as the prim pony bade farewell to her friends, both new and old. Applejack followed with Alkaios in tow. The rest of the mane six made their way to their respective homes. Pinkie was the last to leave and she turned to me at the door and said, “You know I’m going to have a humunganormous party for you guys right?”
I chucked at the made up word. “I would expect nothing less from Ponyville’s self-proclaimed Party Pony.” She grinned that impossibly wide grin of hers and bounced out the door into the fading light.
I turned back to face Twilight, “Looks like the meet n’ greet’s over Twilight. Care to show me where I’m sleeping?” Taking charge. LIKE A BOSS!
Author’s Note: Thanks everyone for your support! I’m sorry I don’t update as quickly as you or I would like to. With a full time job, it is not always doable. I want to give a huge “thank you” to FrostBite who has been invaluable in the creation of this chapter. In addition, I’d really appreciate it if you give a moment of your time to check out a man devoted to creating quality Pony Music Videos [PMVs]. If you could just click on the link provided and give his work a chance, it would be appreciated greatly. Thanks again!
Additional Note: I am also starting an ask blog. If anyone would like to help out with that, I’d be quite grateful. Also (this is getting way too long), Bpendragon has a podcast that he does, and he has been so kind as to read and review this story in it. Check it out and listen to some of his other things as well!
FrostBite: ‘Till the next update... Allons~y!