1. Published 5th Mar 2013
  2. 3,688 Views, 25 Comments

Welcome To The Brothel - kalash93


During the war, a young stallion seeks solace in the embrace of a mare

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#1 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

Eh I liked the original title for this story better.:rainbowwild:

#2 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2218949

And what was that?

#3 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2219064 Welcome To The Brothel.

#4 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2219081

I changed the title from "The Bordell" to "Welcome To The Brothel" following your input. I agree that it's a much better name.

#5 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

I still want to see his mother's face when she reads this :rainbowkiss:

#6 · 93w, 5d ago · 1 · 4 ·

How the hell are they using guns with hooves? Always annoys the piss out of me, that...

#7 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

Four guys spending all their time together? Sounds kind of... Fruity.

On a more serious note, I rather enjoyed this. I lived in Wolfsburg for a year, so you can just imagine the cheering when I read Neighdersachsen.

#8 · 92w, 2d ago · · ·

>>2219569

I'll explain how in my next story. The trigger mechanisms are designed to be used with hooves.

#9 · 91w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

Jmartkdr from AHA. I'll try to get you review up by tonight.

#10 · 91w, 4d ago · 3 · ·

This review brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors

Grammar Score: I'll say 8; since you wrote in vernacular a lot of thing that would have been mistakes are now "artistic choices," but no major flaws.

Pros:A very interesting idea; one that few authors have handled sensitively.

Great use of vernacular, gives us insight into the character without impacting readability

Very well developed narrator, I really feel I understood him as a person in just a few hundred words.

Cons: Some of the worldbuilding seems a little off, though it wasn't obvious on the first read-through. How does a pony use a gun? Why is he fighting with Zebras? Who are they fighting?

The story jumps around a bit. It's charming, but can also be distracting from the central idea.

Why do the Zebras sprechen Deutsch? Ich sperche ein bischen, so it was a small treat, but it feels weird, and is a little distracting.

Notes: Well, coming up with cons was actually somewhat difficult. The whole story has such a great voice to it that it's difficult to say that anything should be changed (R&R should be capitalized, though) If anything, the narrator's ramblings are either one of the best strengths or greatest weaknesses of the story, but if you took them out the whole thing might lose its best feature. The worldbuilding is the only real problem. Any time I have to stop and ask myself "why?" or "how?" I'm being brought away from the story.

Enjoy you're review! And thank you again for reading my story.

#11 · 90w, 4d ago · · ·

this probably isn't the sort of story I'm usually into, but I do admit that it's pretty good. Thanks for my review.

#12 · 90w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2329647

You're welcome. Shouldn't you drop me a similar review?

Comment posted by Literary Cold Fusion deleted at 6:17pm on the 1st of April, 2013
#14 · 90w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2330864

The rules for Authors Helping Authors state that when youdo a review for a member of the group, you use the form. The recipient of the review is obligated to use the same form to write out a review for them in return. Don't sweat it; the form makes it all rather quick and easy. It's just filling out paperwork.

#15 · 89w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

This review is, begrudgingly, brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors

Grammar Score: I'll say 8; like Jmartdr, I feel that there’s nothing too major but it’s not quite perfect.

Pros: It’s certainly an idea not many attempt, which is great; in depth narration and main character; it’s a bit short, which can be a good or bad thing.

Cons: like the last review, you seem to kinda jump around without much direction, the plot could use more developing, and—this is just a personal pet peeve of mine—for a clopfic called Welcome to the Brothel, the sex really shouldn’t take a backseat to the plot.

Notes: This is, by no means, a terrible story: it’s got an interesting main character, a good idea behind, and a lot of personality. Though, it seems as though it goes a bit unfinished and probably could’ve used a pre-reader to iron out and fully finish the ideas. This isn’t necessarily a story for me personally, and the sudden appearance of characters with very little explanation (it’s a brothel so I guess there doesn’t have to be much of an explanation), it might be an enjoyable read to pass the time. I have read far better sexual fics, both in this fandom and several others, but I still do enjoy the unique style and quality of the work. Overall: 7.5/10. Thanks for the review; I was kinda working on a ton of other projects, most of which on delays which was the only way I could’ve gotten to your story sooner.

#17 · 87w, 2d ago · · ·

This is good, but it could be better.

You use some words that kinda take me out of the story some. If I were to write a letter to someone I know well, I probably wouldn't be so proper when explaining certain things, like in the first paragraph with "particularly fierce ambush" and later on with "blushing furiously." This is how a writer or narrator would describe things, but as an army grunt, It feels odd to me, especially when a lot of the letter is written like regular speech. Not a huge detractor, but it was something I noticed.

Honestly, that's the only real complaint I have other than the length. I'm not one to tell someone how long a story should be, as I feel the story should be exactly as long as it takes to tell. That being said, there were some scenes here that I fell could've been fleshed out and expanded upon a bit. I won't go into detail, but I will say that this is a good thing. War psychology is a huge, interesting topic ripe for the picking, and you do it really well here. It just want more; more thoughts, more feelings, more ways the squadmates interact. Honestly, I wouldn't mind seeing more of this character dealing with other things, as you've created a great voice.

So, 8/10 total. Good. Not fantastic, but good. Did enjoy.

#18 · 87w, 2d ago · · ·

I want to say a few things about this story:

They started talking about fillies they've had, the best places to go- that kind of stuff.

So, these two are easy fixes. Fillies implies young girls, like young girls. Could be me being crazy, but just making a note.

After all, we really could die at any time out here in Zebricy...He's here in Neighdersachsen because it puts food on the table.

So, this is what starts to get a little confusing. So, Where exactly are these two places in relation to Equestria and the world? One main reason this is important is because there are places like Germaneigh that would be assumed to be with Deutsch roots, while you have zebras as a primary race in this. Zecora has a lot of African heritage in the canon, so we can assume most zebras are from there. Continuously, this puts into question the idea of her rhyming speech which could be her specifically or the race as a whole. Overall, I'd just say explain the given circumstances of your story well so these little questions don't arise. Sorry :twilightsheepish:

We all know that you're one badass zebra- err pony.

Another thing, is why is the protagonist a pony. You mention "mercs" later in the story, but don't give insight as to the external details. Again, given circumstances like the who, what, when, where, etc. help you create a dynamic story.

One guy fell into the ravine. He tumbled end over end, falling and screaming the whole way down down down...

You use several human words and slang, like "guy," "kid," "bitch," which could be used in the story, but could also detract from your writing. Always good to handle those with care. Also, the next part needs commas, and is a tad weird to put in a letter, even though it is the character's voice. It seems out of place more as a conversational story telling technique instead of a written one.

That's all my nitpicky stuff, sorry :twilightsheepish: I just want to add that you don't tend to go into great details and things, which can be somewhat fine, but it seems a tad rushed and disjointed. Just try and transition well between each event.

I like the idea, though. I enjoyed the story and where it went; a sort of rite of passage story during wartime is a nice theme. Keep up the good work!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

#19 · 81w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2452214

So, these two are easy fixes. Fillies implies young girls, like young girls. Could be me being crazy, but just making a note.

"Fillies" is actually the go to word for writers of all kinds in this fandom. It means young girls in one context and the overall female population/gender in others. Just like "Fillyfooler" sounds like something you would call a pedophile, it just means Lesbian. "Coltcuddler" is also another one like that, but instead is a replacement for "gay". So really, it's not really a problem.

They even use it in the show. "Filly", I mean. when Pinkie Pie calls -blank- a "silly filly", she isn't calling -blank- a silly little girl, but a sill female in general.

#20 · 81w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2650430 true enough, and rightfully so. I'm just being crazy. Sorry!!:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

#21 · 81w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2650545

No problem. Just thought I'd say something so the author didn't have to explain himself.

#22 · 81w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2650546 okay! But do you agree with the other things I pointed out? Or are they crazy, too??? :rainbowderp:

#23 · 81w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2650575

The "human words" you pointed out is a valid thing, but I of all people know how hard it is to find good words to replace them. And "bitch" isn't a purely human word. It's simply a female dog, and calling anyone a dog is insult enough.

And yes, the words he used for his countries was pretty different and the races inhabiting them mainly seemed a bit weird, but I just see it as a way of him separating himself from other authors.

#24 · 78w, 6d ago · 2 · ·

Hmm. Well, I liked it. No glaring errors, and it was overall well written. I liked how you made the zebras German (or whatever the hell the equivalent is). I hadn't seen that before, since most writers make that race an African archetype.

The whole letter thing was kind of odd, as I don't know any soldiers who wrote their mothers about their first whorehouse. But that was just a minor thing and you did explain it, so I'm satisfied, I suppose.

I liked the development of the main character, and all his somewhat dark tendencies. I feel that you captured the likeness of a young soldier well, even if I fail to see how a pony holds a rifle.

Overall, good fic. I give it 7/10, and the author a watch.

#25 · 75w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

This is Sayer from Authors Helping Authors with a review for your story.

Grammar: 9. It's very well written, but I feel like the periods force the reader to pause too much.

Pros:

- The zebras speak german; a nice change from the typical "All zebras are african" cliché.

- Using a letter as the mediom for the story instead of a conversation or flashback.

- The description of how our protagonist lost his virginity.

Cons:

- Too short.

- Too many periods.

- That there's no sequel.

Comments:

Overall, this is a great story. Even though this is a letter and should be very straight, you fleshed out details about the protagonist, his friends and his current situation. The narrative is very good, and it left me with hunger to read a sequel. The only problem I found are the use of too many periods and that the story is short and doesn't have a sequel; this story feels like you could write a few extra chapters describing what happened after he finally lost his virginity. Maybe some character development?

I hope you enjoyed your review. Please, could you give my story, Rainbow in the dark, a look? Thank you very much.

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