When I First Saw You

GilDash28 stories ·42 members

When I First Saw You

The tales of Gilda and Rainbow Dash's childhood and schooldays.
That's about it,really.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 10
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Monster_Under_The_Bed

Monster_Under_The_Bed #1 · Jan 30th, 2012 · · · The Filly With The Rainbow Mane ·

I'm just going to shoot this out there. This story is very poorly done and I wish I had an editor. Spot is up for grabs if you would be so kind.
Also.
I am fully aware that this is bad. I hope on improving when it gets into summer flight camp. Or at least past when they have barely met. I feel really shaky on this concept.

JAWSify

JAWSify #2 · Jan 30th, 2012 · · · The Filly With The Rainbow Mane ·

While I am no English professor, I do agree that the writing isn't the best... however I do like the idea of exploring Gilda's childhood and the history she shares with Rainbow Dash. It's not my place to make suggestions or anything, however I suggest practice, edits and re-edits. Anywho, I am interested in seeing where you take this story, keep it up!

RBDGabe

RBDGabe #3 · Jan 30th, 2012 · · · The Filly With The Rainbow Mane ·

DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW .. Cute Pic!

66666666666666666-

66666666666666666- #4 · Feb 3rd, 2012 · · · The Filly With The Rainbow Mane ·

not too bad.I like da childhoodness!

Wind Whistler is love

Wind Whistler is love #5 · Mar 11th, 2012 · · · The Filly With The Rainbow Mane ·

Love this. The characterization is so dead on.

There are definitely a few awkward spots, but on the whole actually I think this is well-written. The worst I think is: "She must've noticed my demeanor. It was pertaining back to hopeless. " That's just very unwieldy, and there's no way pertaining is the right word for that...

Monster_Under_The_Bed

Monster_Under_The_Bed #6 · Mar 11th, 2012 · · · The Filly With The Rainbow Mane ·

Uh, yeah. Pretty much. Thank you, Wind Whistler is love, for calling me on my BS.
I have GOT to fix that line.
EDIT: Fixed it. Am hoping this is more satisfactory.