I'll just be happy if this passes moderation. <3

I like it so far. Nice intro.

Absolutely. Perfect.

hey buddy, my stuffs being uploaded here as well

The premise is interesting.  Stylistically you have a bit of clunky-ness to work out, but I think that will sort itself as you write more.

>>171119171119>>171154171154>>171186171186>>171201171201

Hellbrink: I'm really glad you like it! :D

Mobius of the Moon: Oh meh goodness. Thank you ;_;

Gimli McBrony: Upload power!

Mayclore: Thank you! I'd have to agree with you fully, and I really hope it does!

To begin with, let me speak honestly. This isn't the best story I've read. It is one of the best, but not the best. But I can say that one thing is certain: it is so far the most original and powerful piece of writing I've ever encountered on the internet. It is a philosophical, highly psychological narration, which, to my mind, looks fine both as a dialogue-based story (as on FF) and as a, well, narration. The plot seems to be extremely cliche, but you deal with it easily: your heroes are far from common protagonists. Yours are intellegent, free-thinking beings with minds open to new ideas. You develop your story not unlike a sea maintains its waves: you throw sudden plot outbursts like tidal waves, alternating them with calm situations that flow like small breakers. The style is simply one of the best my eyes have ever seen: extremely refined, yet understandable (but I liked the dialogue-based format a little more... like it matters). I'm so eager to read more...

As for the ratings/view counts/etc, I assure you that they are not the things that really matter. For example, many people (I mean in Britain; don't really know about Americans) know such Russian writers as Dostoevsky and Tolstoy; but very few know about such a magnificent poet as Griboyedov (well, of course it is somehow connected with the fact that very few people know Russian here). And he, if I may say, is a mastermind. The way he treats the Russian lagnuage is outstanding; so is the way you treat the English language - it is exquisite and marvellous!

Now let's analyse the first chapter, for the others are yet to be transferred from FF. To begin with-

I think this was pretty clever the way you used onomatopoeia to describe the sounds, it quickly delves the reader into the world and I thought that was really enjoyable. Not only that, but the extensive and correct use of upper vocabulary is a brilliant touch that really emphasized your intelligence as well as your story’s. So far, this is pretty good and I cannot wait to read more. Keep writing.

Short like Spike, but good like the show.

I shall be waiting for thy next update.

>>181055181055>>181715181715

psp7master: Your comment beyond a doubt made me smile with glee. I appreciate it to no end that you would take the time to wrtie such a response. To that, I say Thank you, thank you very much! As for that anlys-

CosmicAfro: I've very glad you enjoyed that scene! I really wasn't sure at the time how to workout a scene such as that! I'm very glad you liked the vocabulary choices! Always worried that someone is gonna be put off by it~ Thanks for the comment!  

PS psp7master: I promise to not fall victim to a dependency on other's mass approval! Also, at this point, I think I need to go find some translated Russian works.

I had to re-read this several times (and thankfully it was a short chapter so that wasn't too big of an issue) because I simply couldn't understand the giant jump that just occured.

I can understand how you needed to self insert Twilight, Spike, And FLootershie, because what's a fanfiction about ponies without...y'know...ponies? But I did not understand Mark's part in this story. At all. Maybe there is something that I missed, but from what I saw he wakes up...somewhere and then Fluttershy finds him. But Mark's mind part? I hope that is explained later, because to me that needs explaining.

Also, how did Spike get Fluttershy's message? how did his claws get covered in ink? While we can infer that something happened, nothing irritates a reader more when it's unneccessarily -not- explained. The difference between a gap and keeping something hidden is the way you present it; this chapter was a giant gap. (hands you a shovel) I would reccomend filling it. You could have made this chapter easily more sizeable if you had explained how Spike and Fluttershy met. I personally would have loved to see her more assertive.

Other than those complaints, good chapter. I hope mark doesn't die in the snow. That'd be...pointless.

>>188175188175

That's the entire point! Like...litteraly! The whole story is about explaing that! :D And Mark die? wuuuuuu, he's the protagnist silly! Perhaps you're right though, maybe I should explain more of it now than later as to not turn off the reader! :D I hope more people comment so I can get more opinions!

>>187877187877

Anteh: Thanks!

Meh, I got it in one go. I think it could have been done a better but your style is nice so it covers up the disjointed feel of this chapter.

Still too early to tell whether this'll be a keeper or not. Hopefully the next chapter has some 'meat' so to speak.

Oh, I see - you truly rewrite the story to make it more of a narration. Fantastic. It's just another reason for me to reread it. And, by the way, Russian writers are awesome. Hay, I learned Russian to read them without being dependant on the translation!

I was about to ask why you are only on chapter two... then I read that you wrote it in narrative instead...

>>964989964989 Oh my goodness it's you <3 :D

>>171201171201 If only I had known how right you were back then c: