Thirtyone
“First he’s not dead, then he’s not alive...” said Spike. “Make up your mind!”
“He’s undead!” gasped Saga.
“Yes,” said Eira grimly, “that’s the most likely possibility. The spell wouldn't work on a draugr, one of the walking dead. One of them could exist for centuries. Wiglek was a wicked sorcerer who died a horrible death. He has reasons to walk the Earth.”
“U-undead?” Spike stammered. “L-like he’s a zombie? Or a vampony?”
Twilight Sparkle removed her ritual helmet and massaged her forehead with a hoof.
“Or a lich, since he’s a sorcerer...” she sighed. The others looked at her quizzically, except for Saga.
“There are ancient legends which say a sorcerer can lay a spell so that he can’t die but will raise from the dead as a magical dried-up corpse,” the fawn said with enthusiasm. “Uh, Equestrian legends. But they are, like, legends. There’s never been a real lich. I think.” She drooped somewhat.
“No, there hasn't,” said Twilight. “It’s theoretically possible, but the requirements are... unsettling and unlikely.”
“Are you sure he couldn't just be really, really long-lived?” Spike hoped. “I mean, dragons live that long. And the Princesses have lived even longer.”
“No Spike,” said Twilight. “Someone can be born really, really long-lived, like you are since you’re a dragon. You can’t make somepony... or somedeer... live that long if they were born mortal.”
“How do you know?” said Vigg, with some hostility.
Twilight looked at him, and plopped the helmet back on her head.
“Because as a filly I asked Princess Celestia herself why she didn't make ponies live longer, like her, and she said it was impossible, even for her,” she said. “I doubt she was lying and assume it applies to Luna as well... While you might have other... gods in this kingdom, I doubt Karhu-Akka can grant immortality either.”
Spike looked worried. “Yeah, unless she freeze-dries you, I guess... Does that mean we have to meet some spooky undead monster?”
“If... if he’s really around,” said Twilight and received an angry glare from Eira, “yes, probably. But we don't know how spooky he is, or even what he is.”
“In fact,” she said in an attempt at reconciliation, “Eira's word is probably best, because a draugr just means a corpse still walking around. We don't know what he can do or wants to do.”
“I... I just thought of something...” Spike said. “Y'know, in those comic books...”
Vigg groaned.
“No, listen!” Spike said urgently. “The guy based on Wiglek is all power-hungry, and that seems to be taken from reality. It's his big thing. And, and the Wiglek from history, he did everything so that when he couldn't be king, at least his son could be king, right? Right?”
He looked to Vigg, then to Twilight, then to the others.
“Yeah,” said Vigg, “I guess you're right. And?”
“Then if he isn't dead, why hasn't he tried doing anything again?” Spike asked. “He's had a thousand years. Why isn't there a lich-king reigning from the Frozen Throne of the North? Or at least stories of one who did and was defeated by a hero or something?”
The others exchanged glances.
“Are there any stories like that, I mean it could be him in a false mustache or whatever...?” Spike trailed off.
“No,” said Vigg, “not that I know of.”
“Aren't we forgetting something?” said Saga. “I mean, it feels sad to say it, but...”
“Yes,” said Vigg, “go on”.
“Last time we knew anything about Wiglek, he got, like, a ton of snow on his head,” Saga said.”How... how long would it take somedeer to dig themselves out from that?”
This was pondered in silence.
“Do you still have that 'tug'?” Vigg asked Saga. She shut her eyes and nodded.
“That'll lead us to him,” Vigg turned to Eira. “That's how it’s useful, when you cast the spell to summon somedeer who turns out to be not dead, just lost?”
“Yes,” said Eira, “though the tug disappears after a while.”
“Then we can leave now and search him out, Lady Sparkle,” said Vigg. “Because if he’s not walking around, and Spike’s right in that it seems unlikely, then his living corpse is lying next to the Sampo! We can use that to find it and dig it out!”
“Well, yeah...” said Twilight, who had been quiet for a while. “I guess you're right, Prince Vigg...”
“Then please come with us!” Vigg said, his owl-feather-bonneted painted face thrust close to Twilight's. She stepped back a bit.
“Er...” she said.
“Your magic is the only way we know to dig out the Sampo!” he burst out. “Mundane force cannot do it, and we cannot assemble and transport the huge machinery to do it.”
“Look...” Twilight said.
“Oh please!” said Saga. “Pretty please, Mistress Sparkle! If he’s not buried, we would need your help in dealing with an ancient draugr!”
“Look,” said Twilight, “it isn't that easy.”
She took a deep breath.
“I have promised my Princess... and your Grandfather,” she turned to Vigg, “to root out the pirates... and the Pretender. In addition, we must stop the Winter...”
She pre-empted Vigg's objections.
“And while I know you believe that the Sampo is necessary to do so, I’m not convinced,” she said.
“But my visions...” Saga began.
“I... I’m not fully convinced by your visions, Saga,” Twilight said. When she saw the little doe droop under her blood-dripping skull-helmet, giving a strange blend of the morbid and the vulnerable, she hastily added: “I still think they’re important, just not as important as my other missions!”
“I will help you as soon as I can, but I have more urgent things to do,” she continued. “I might be able to lend a hoof in as soon as a week!”
“But what if I lose my tug!” Saga protested.
“Then I'll whip up a Finders-Keepers spell from the gift-antlers!” Twilight reassured her. “I'll even be able to use it to teleport us partway there!”
Saga shrank back.
“But this is urgent...” Vigg began to protest. “Fine! Then we'll travel there in advance and scout out the place. We can... we could even bring Spike with us! Then we can send instant messages!”
“No, that would be too dangerous!” Twilight protested. “What if you run into Wiglek's draugr alone and he’s hostile? How will you handle a super-strong undead warlock? And I need Spike here for my work!”
“Er, do I get to say anything about this?” Spike wondered.
“No!” Vigg and Twilight said in a chorus.
“To quote Princess Hrimfaxi, you are not my mother, mistress or goddess,” Vigg said angrily. “You cannot stop me!”
Twilight fretted. “But it’s dangerous... and what with Winter coming... Saga!” she suddenly remembered. “I'm your mistress! In the art of magic, I mean! I... I forbid you to go off like that and risk you life, do you hear me?”
Saga gaped. Then she drew herself up to her full height and said with an unsteady voice: “Then maybe I must leave my apprenticeship... Lady Sparkle.”
“No!” said Vigg again. He walked over to the doe and hugged her. “No, don't. Don't mess that dream of yours up just because I am impatient.” He turned to Twilight.
“We’ll wait,” he said, “but not forever!”
“Right,” Twilight said, her voice calming down a bit. “Just give me some time, OK?”
Vigg and Saga nodded.
“Then it’s agreed,” Twilight said. “Look, I need to be up early in the morning, and I need to transcribe everything about this ritual before I go to bed and risk forgetting it. We'll get going now, if you don't mind.”
“We... don't,” said a still tense Vigg.
Eira started to say something, but was interrupted by Twilight.
“Then we're leaving! Come on, Spike!” she said.
“But... OK, Twilight,” said Spike, waved goodbye to the others and left together with Twilight.
“Crazy foreigners and their crazy hurry...” Eira muttered dourly.
“What is it, Grandma?” said Saga.
“They oughta have had a bath before they left!” she said. “Let's get us into the bathtub, at least!”
“I think we oughta have had a bath before we left,” said Spike, worried.
“You're right, you're right, you were right the first five times,” Twilight mumbled between gritted teeth before going back to her audience.
“Listen... I'm not really in the market for 'minions' right now...” she told them. “And I don't want to... I mean, I'm not hungry... I mean, my unnatural appetites are sated for tonight, ohohohoho!”
The small herd of fawns, about one third stags to two third does, looked up from the ground with disappointment. They had all prostrated themselves with a “ALL HAIL TWILIGHT SPARKLE, SKINFAXI'S SHADOW!” when they had realized who she was. Some held to the same aesthetics as Saga, while others simply went for massive amounts of mascara and eyeshadow.
“But until we meet again.. if we meet again...” Twilight said. Which I hope not... she thought. “Try to stay undercover! I mean, go to school, brush your teeth, don't do drugs, etcetera... To, um, fool the... forces of Light into a false sense of security! Until then, my... prospective minions, fly! Fly away on the night winds!” Twilight reared and made a dramatic gesture. Her admirers cheered and galloped away.
Twilight face-hoofed.
“The citizens fleeing in terror were easier to deal with, I think,” said Spike.
Twilight groaned.
“I don't have a perfect link, but I am going to teleport us back to our suite,” she said. “Now. This instant.”
“Now would be good,” said Spike.
They landed in the bigger sauna in the palace. They scared some late-from work guards bathing, and it didn't made Twilight's night any brighter, but Spike pointed out that it was a place to get clean. No biggie, in other words.
“This'll be a busy day, Spike,” Twilight explained at breakfast. Spike nodded and stuffed himself with jam and bread. Luna had excused herself early, pointing out that she really didn’t need to eat anyway. First she was to meet the King so they could assure each other publicly that Tarandroland and Equestria was best friends forever, despite mad bombers and other unpleasantness. Then she would meet with some urox, Tarandroland cattle, who had requested an audience. Twilight felt a little jealous about the latter; she was curious about them. She didn’t feel jealous at all, on the other hoof, about Luna meeting with Ukko, no matter how friendly he had become now. Twilight thought she would have had a hard time looking him in the eyes. She had told Spike and Luna as much. That issue, and similar ones, was the first on today's schedule.
“We hadn't thought about it,” she said and poured herself some coffee. “I hadn't thought about it. It should have been my responsibility. After all, I am studying reindeer magics!”
“Whaff?” said Spike with his mouth full.
“When we met yesterday, Princess Ljufa could... well, not read my mind, but something like it,” Twilight explained. Spike nodded.
“Vigg can do something similar, right,?” she asked. Spike looked a bit unhappy.
“Itf weally impolipe...” he swallowed, “to talk about a reindeer's Sight,” he said.
“Oh,” Twilight said. “Never mind, the point is I have to lie more and more, and not all reindeer will hug me and sing sappy songs about love and peace if they find out I do.”
“Point,” said Spike. “What can you do, though? Something like the spell in the room? Wasn't it impossible to make it move around with you?”
“Maybe something according to the same principles,” said Twilight. “Of course,” she added with raised voice, “the easiest would have been to not lie! But now I’m stuck with it!” She sipped her coffee.
“But I know somepony... well, not literally somepony, who knows how!” she said triumphantly. “I was close before, but I first figured it out last night in the sauna!”
“Oh, that's good!” said Spike. Then he caught himself. “Why did you start to think of that in the sauna of all all places? I mean it is relaxing if you really feel the heat, but...?”
Twilight smiled. “It was when my bodypaint started to flow down my sides,” she said.
Spike raised a quizzical eyebrow.
Paki the Zebra didn’t have a reindeer for a secretary. He would have protested if anyone called him specist, and in fact if he ever got to go home (unlikely) he would spend much time being irritated that his countryzebras weren't more like reindeer. Living many years far from home does that to a zebra. However, sometimes he longed for at least someone equine to speak to. No zebra traveler in their right mind stayed willingly in Poatsula, and ponies were so... pastel. That's how Mr Bileam the donkey became Paki's secretary and accountant.
Paki's office had an elevated part on a slightly higher level than the rest of the room, where he sat and worked and where the old ledges were kept. Down below, Mr Bileam worked and dealt with the less important customers. Today, the maid had brought a card that was intercepted by Mr Bileam. Paki noticed in the corner of his eye that the maid seemed upset and that Bileam admonished her. He then turned his head up to Paki.
“Sir, there is some kind of kerfuffle at the door. I'll go down and deal with it. I'll be back in a minute if you need me,” the old donkey said and straightened his wire-rimmed glasses.
“You're my doormane now?” said Paki amused. “What's with the maid anyway?”
The donkey shrugged. “You know how superstitious these reindeer are,” he just said and left.
After a few minutes he came in looking slightly worried. His tail whipped in a way that usually indicated the gnats of summer.
“Sir, you have a... rather odd customer that wants a word in private,” he said.
“Odd?” said Paki. “How odd?”
“If you wish, sir, I can say you are out,” Mr Bileam said. “I told a slight lie I wasn't certain you were in.”
“Let him in, Mr Bileam” said Paki and shrugged.
“Her,” said Bileam and left.
“Master Paki!” said Twilight Sparkle as she sort of sailed into the room in a black silk dress that billowed out around her. “How nice to see you!” Her Nuuban was as good as before. This time he was certain he could place the province it came from,
“Oh,” said the zebra trader. “It's you, Lady Sparkle. You have been featured in the news lately, even if we haven't seen each other.”
“Unfortunately, yes,” said Twilight Sparkle and fanned her muzzle, looking over her fan with large glittering eyes. “I prefer to stay out of the spotlight, see?”
Paki stared at the... new style of the unicorn mare. There was more paint on her face than on most boats down here in the harbor. Despite it being full daylight, her eyes looked colder than they had at that banquet.
“To what do I owe the honor?” he said and walked down the short stairs to the lower floor. “Can I offer you any refreshments?” He then noticed the little green and purple scaled thing standing beside her. She had brought her dragon familiar. Somehow the cute thing calmed him down a bit.
“Or your little friend there?” he suggested. The dragonling showed his teeth... or smiled, he wasn't sure.
“Oh, wow, thanks!” it squeaked. “Do you have any gems?”
Oh right, Paki thought. Dragons eat gemstones and noble metals.
“Would diamonds be okay?” he said and smiled at the dragon.
“Oh my, don't spoil him!” said Lady Sparkle. “Besides, that must be far too expensive!”
“They are quite common at home,” said Paki. He reached down and unlocked a drawer. “Many sailors use them as emergency savings, and hence I get paid with them a lot.”
He gave the dragon a big one, and it bowed and thanked him before starting to eat.
Weird little critter, Paki thought.
“It is, in a way, because of gemstones I am here,” said Lady Sparkle and smiled, or showed her teeth, Paki wasn't sure.
“Oh? Well, I don't run any gem import from my homeland, but I do send some Poatsulan amber home,” he said, a bit too nonchalantly. “Payment in kind, you see.”
“I was thinking of... worked gemstones,” Lady Sparkle said, taking a couple of steps closer.
“What?” said Paki. His instincts told him something was ahoof and he started to be worried.
“Like jewelry,” said Lady Sparkle and something touched the collection of necklaces he wore, like someone trying to grapple something with greased hooves. “Oh my, that is effective! Spike, close the door please?”
“Yes ma'am!” said the little dragon, shut the door to the office and casually planted a chair in front of it.
“Hey! What's going on?” said Paki.
I still have the hidden door up behind the ledger-shelves!
He backed a few steps.
“Let me tell you, Master Paki, about a few observations I made at the banquet,” Lady Sparkle said and used that damned fan again.
Paki started to sweat a bit.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” he said and backed up a bit more.
“Master Paki, my magic cannot harm you, but dragonfire is more mundane than you think and your archives aren't fireproof,” the unicorn said sternly. “Please stand still and listen. You are a very sympathetic person and I don't want to hurt you or make you upset.”
“If I can avoid it,” she added and smiled.
Paki nodded.
“Now, listen here: when we met at the banquet, it became obvious you knew my reputation,” she said. “You became afraid... no don't deny it... and somewhat reflexively checked your gri-gris there, your zebra amulets who, as we could see just now, don't just look like anti-magic but are anti-magic.”
“It’s not strange that someone should be worried about my magic outside Equestria,” she said as she started to pace the room. “What is strange is that you should be prepared for it. You clearly didn't know that I would be at the banquet, definitely not that I’d sit next to you. Yet you carried magical protection. Why?”
She looked at him curiously.
“Now, I only know one zebra personally, but as far as I can gather you are not a people given to superstition. Less so than ponies, in fact. So, there must be a plausible threat of a magical nature,” she said as she started to pace again.
“But then after talking to reindeer sorcerers and Spike,” she pointed her hoof to the dragon, “telling me what common reindeer think, I learned reindeer are suspicious of magic. They don't like to use it except in emergencies. Their own magic is mostly passive. So there are no big sources of magic in Tarandroland.”
“I idly thought that maybe you'd gone native,” she said and smiled when she saw she'd hit home a bit. “Reindeer can be superstitious. But then I realized reindeer magic... it is like cutie marks. Or destiny brands, as you say. Your Sight becomes what you See a lot. It tends to fit your occupation.”
“So it only stands to reason,” she said, “that a lot of reindeer traders have a Sight that lets them see through falsehoods. Or detect flaws in wares. Or guess accurately when somedeer is about to fold in negotiations. Among each other, it tends to cancel out... but it must be troublesome for a foreigner.”
“But what if a foreigner has a destiny brand that let him keep his eyes open in a similar way?” she suggested. “Now, what if that foreigner could use some of his native magics to negate reindeer clairvoyance? Unicorn magic cannot do that, but neither can unicorn magic pierce the veil to the Summer Lands like reindeer magic can.”
“Zebra magic can, somehow, I haven't formulated a theory yet, block reindeer clairvoyance,” Lady Sparkle said triumphantly. “Am I not right?”
Paki was silent for a while.
“You are right,” he said. “Is that what this is all about?”
“Yeah,” she said and smiled. “I need some gri-gris of my own.”
“And what makes you think I can make you some?” Paki retorted. “I'm no griot!”
“Yes you are,” said Lady Twilight. “Your necklaces there are made from Tarandrian materials, like amber. I saw that the first time we met. They were made here. ”
“Amber also happens to be a material which helps in magic dealing with information, which fits,” she lectured. “After all, modern devices like computers and television sets were originally made with amber. Electron, the Ancient Equine name for amber, is what gave those magic items their name – electron-ics. Am I not right?”
“You are right,” said Paki. “But... why should I do business with you?”
“Well, first I have a nice budget for this... operation, so I can pay you well. Second, I doubt your business associates would be as trusting if they learn of your protection. And third...” Twilight Sparkle stopped smiling and leaned uncomfortably close to the zebra. “Lord Eminence had your address among his contacts.”
“I SWEAR I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!” the zebra panicked.
“I know,” said Lady Twilight. “His notes vindicate you. You only gave him some addresses to contact some more illegal businesspeople, so he could use them to get in contact with the pirates. As has been pointed out to me, they need to sell their plunder. I assume most Tarandroland businessdeer deal with them, just not directly. You've presumably done business with one of their fences at some time. I guess reindeer pirates are also dead in the morning without imported coffee.”
“But I need these gri-gris very much, and if I get them I might give you papers that get you out of trouble when the king's guards start turning the city upside down looking for people who had any business with the Pirate Pretender,” she said. “They will do it soon – a hot tip from somepony who sits in meetings concerning such matters.”
“So, if you don't want to make me those charming zebra-reindeer necklaces (I have a friend in Equestria who would love to market the concept), you miss out on a lot of money, you earn a bad reputation, and you will have to work harder to stop the law from causing you trouble,” she said. “That means there is only one question...”
“And that is?” Paki said, having calmed down.
“How fast can you make them?” the unicorn said.
As usual, lots of thanks to my proofreaders, LadyMoondancer and Wheelwright!
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Wow I like this twilight....why can't she act like this instead of a saturday morning villaness
Twilight's got the villainess bit down pat in this chapter.
Intelligent villian Twi is best villian Twi, unlike overtly evil but simple minded Twi.
“ALL HAIL TWILIGHT SPARKLE, SKINFAXI'S SHADOW!”
I would like to sign up to be a prospective minion.
Fantastic chapter as always! One of my favorite aspects of this story is how the different species each have their own "flavor" of magic, from the Sight of the reindeers to the craft-based abilities of the zebras. Great foreshadowing, too, with this particular zebra back at the feast.
And of course Evil Enchantress Twilight is always hilarious. Ohohohohoho!
Gri-gris and griots are actual african, voodoo and santera things. In hoodoo they are called mojo bags :)
283886
well, all it involves here is spouting a bunch facts, something which she is very good at
286171
Well, spouting fact, knowing everything that is important, and looking evil.
I definitely agree with Lady Moondancer about magic. People so easily forget that MLP:FiM is a pretty damn magic-steeped setting, even if a lot of it is subtle and off-screen. It makes sense for the other species to have their own skills and arts!
And Evilly Villainous Evil Enchantress Twilight is always hilarious.
I found this fanfic surprisingly great. I've literarily read published fantasy novels that were worse than this.
I really like how you try to allow the mythology to develop here and allow some takeover. I especially like the occasional funny little fantasy-sequences or other such silly things.
Actually, that's inadequate praise.
Keep up the good work!
Adalbertus here, you know how much I love this story :D
I'm not going to copy-paste all my comments from FF.net but I'm following this story here and I will post comments here as well.
took me some time to find it here
329614
I sort of guessed it was you! :) Thanks for all your kind support, as always! You should have told me and I could have patched together a link or something.
I've honestly been reading this fic for awhile now over on FF and felt the need to pop in and say I've rather enjoyed the story. The mythology and magics of the peoples... err ponies... err critters depicted here keep my attention while I'm entertained by the politics as well. All around it seems to have everything I need to be amused by a story. I have especially loved the chapters with 'Evil' Twilight as they leave me cracking up. Also, nice touch with the convert the villain song and dance bit.
I love super intelligent Twilight. She's so impressive.
787154
She's hard to write, because it means YOU have to look smart as well. I planned this chapter from the start, see. That's the only reason it can work.
I laughed so hard.
Twilight may not like using underhan- oops, under[hoofed tactics, but DANG is she good at them! Maybe she fits the role (in the show) of princess Twilight better (as far as your Twilight goes) than I thought!
Twilight Sparkle: Business Pony
Pfft they are not real nordic drauger.