Soap - Fimfiction

Soap

Follow the story of the intrepid adventurer Rarity as she attempts to accomplish one of life's most basic pursuits!
Chosen as a finalist for the Las Pegasus Unicon Fan Fic Contest which never actually happened due to... mismanagement.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Rocketknightgeek

Rocketknightgeek #1 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

Nice story, love the ending.

One thing I couldn't help but notice is the strange use of tense when describing actions or thoughts.

'“No soap…” Rarity appears to develop a twitch under her eye as she starts taking bigger breaths,'

should read something like

'"No soap..." Rarity asked, a slight twitch developing under her eye as she started hyperventilating.'

Just fix that up (ask an editor if you have to) and you'll have a really good story here.

Strill

Strill #2 · Feb 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

I just started reading this and I've gotta say the present tense is very jarring. It would be much easier to read in past tense.

SuperPinkBrony12

SuperPinkBrony12 #3 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

Intresting concept and you pulled it off pretty well.

Glimmerglaze

Glimmerglaze #4 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

There are a couple of simple mistakes; like forgetting the first k in "knocking" and forgetting to capitalize Twilight right after. You should proofread the story another time.

CoastalSarv

CoastalSarv #5 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

Nice story. Cute scene at the end.

Horrible Onion

Horrible Onion #6 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

I am not good at editing. I always manage to pass over my own mistakes.

Deil Grist

Deil Grist #7 · Mar 4th, 2013 · · ·

You know what I always get anyway. She bats her eyelashes once or twice before a sorrowful look comes upon Lotus’s face.
You need to put quotation marks after "anyway."

“And just when has she ever stopped being a drama queen?” Remember that time when she wouldn’t come out of her room and was preparin’ to be a hermit for the rest ah her life?”
Unnecessary quotation marks after "queen"

That said, I thought the story was fantastic! I love that you pulled in the lessons learned from "Lesson Zero" and "Suited For Success." It felt a lot like an episode. I'm interested to know if the improvised mud bath ended up being a disaster, but I think it ended well enough.