Dealing with a Royal Nuisance

Prince Blueblood visits Ponyville, to the annoyance of Rarity, when Aloe tries to convince Rarity to give him another chance she dares her to invite him to the spa and put up with him for the entire day.

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Comments ( 8 )

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TheTwelfthDoctor

TheTwelfthDoctor #1 · Feb 27th, 2013 · · ·

Interesting idea, but the writing could use a lot of work--flow, spelling/grammar, characterization. You'd best to get a proofreader.

Goldstone

Goldstone #2 · Feb 27th, 2013 · · ·

2185610 I appreciate the feedback as you can guess I'm new at writing fanfics so any feedback is helpful.

Changeling-Drone

Changeling-Drone #3 · Feb 27th, 2013 · 1 · ·

score one for lotus

BonaFide

BonaFide #4 · Feb 27th, 2013 · · ·

"Prince Blueblood visits Ponyville..." How cliche could it get?... and that was before I even got to the beginning and yet... here it goes!

Cons
- The conversations are cliche! This takes work, but still, all though stories contain alot of description, the conversations between characters are the most revealing about not just the characters themselves, but with regards to the predicaments they get themselves into.
- it is a bit rushed? I barely knew what was going on in the salon before you hurled me into Ponyville square and then BAM! Blueblood enters the salon before we have a chance to get some character development.
- the ending was weird. Kicking BB didn't really accomplish anything more than us having an even more negative opinion of him and it felt like it came out of no where. Much of the violence seemed too forced.
- grammar/mechanics/spelling/punctuation etc.

Pros
- the part where Blueblood objects to the dirty nail file. After this, the story becomes vividly amusing.
- the way their disgust of him manifests throughout is definitely humor-driven and excellent!

Suggestions
- Build Blueblood's persona up in the beginning so that even we, the reader, take his stinginess for granted, then lay it on us and the sisters, that he's a real monster... this'll create perfect irony
- regarding the part where the two sisters plot against Blueblood, I'm thinking BB likes the lotion without knowing of it's intended affect, so that the joke backfires onto them when he breaks out into those rashes.
- I think you need to play around with Lotus and Aloe, i.e more character description. Consider what makes them unique? Why are they so important to the story? What eccentricities set them apart, etc.
- maybe change moron to "mareon" IDK

Overall, comically brilliant and very entertaining!

Steben

Steben #5 · Feb 27th, 2013 · · ·

Blueblood is one word... not two. Consult the mlp wikia.

Sorry, but I couldn't read it. Misspelled names pretty much give the message that the author doesn't care about writing. I don't think you meant for this to happen, but still. Please fix it.

Ooooooh... fun fact! According to Faust Blueblood was supposed to be a duke. (Hasbro's Fault)

Goldstone