The story of a brony named Kyle who also happens to be a sarcastic ass with a horrible sense of humor! Can he take his new life in equestria? Or will the secrets he discover tear him apart?
The first fourteen chapters are written as if Kyle is looking back on it, writing from memory along side the company of princess Luna. Chapter 15 is when we catch up to his timeline, enjoy! (This fiction is finished. Just so you all know.)
Note, Sticking this here. THIS FIC WILL NEVER CONTAIN CLOP. Just saying. There may be references or hints. but never clawp. Evur. And don't ask me to write any either. Clop is...Scary. everyone has there problem points, Mine is porn and settings. So yea. Do people actually read these?
WARNING: This story wont be for everyone, The character in the book (And myself) Tends to ramble on with his thoughts leading them down unusual alley ways and beating them to death with sticks.
Also, First story ever submitted to...Anywhere. Most of it written while very cold. so my typing may be off. If you see any mistakes, please don't be afraid to tell me where they are, constructive criticisms also welcome.
After blazing these last ten chapters I would say your story is pretty good, however when you explained the powers I was wondering since Kyle's instinct to protect himself/others is what triggers his super-strength then why was he able to break the cage afterall you did explain his inner thoughts while he was doing so and they would indicate curiosity rather than a desire to protect himself.
There were also very few grammatical errors so kudos for that.
I look forward to reading more
>>PPFW Combo Breaker
The spark will work under Any circumstance of damage, Or fear, The girls were afraid of him, he just didn't realize it. They needed protection, So the spark gave power. Its not a smart thing. Currently im rewriting the first few chapter to be more..Coherent. I already fixed the first if you want to reread it and tell me what you think. Heck please do! Having someone give their opinion is very valuable to me. But yea, hoping that the story will come together a bit more after the re-write.
As for the curiosity, he WAS curious.
Ive edited this comment twice to better explain it... Sorry.
Okay re-read the new chapter 1
Your spelling for one thing is impeccable, also thanks for explaining the power usage a little more
There are actually quite a lot of grammatical errors (such as capital letters after commas which isn't really done and lower case letters after full stops) and some sentences which could be phrased a bit better (e.g "Belonging to no others but the royal family of equestria." should be phrased "belonging to none other than the royal family of equestria!")
The addition of the background information on one of the parents was an interesting choice. I'll tell you what I was able to derive from that paragraph to see if matched up to what you were trying to impress on the reader.
1.) Kyle has a family which appear indifferent to Kyle.
--Kyle may be prone to self-reliance
--Kyle may be prone to outbursts to attempt to garner attention
--Kyle may feel attachment to his family regardless of their indifference
2.)The family itself.
--Kyle's mum appears intelligent and thoughtful maybe traits passed to Kyle
--Workaholism may imply that Kyle's family needs the additional income so poor->middle class background
--Workaholism may be translated to perserverance which could be a trait Kyle has.
--Indifference may be only perceived as Kyle's family may care about him but merely desire that Kyle not feel pressured
--Absence of mention of father may indicate lack of presence of father figure or extreme dislike of father
--Lack of understanding of bronieism is understandable and indifference may be genuine or as previously mentioned allowing Kyle his individuality
Best wishes in future chapters and endeavours
176556
Dude, I love you seriously. And thanks for catching grammar errors, I still find myself spelling game instead of give half the time, I'm cold so my fingers hate me. And I actually have two chapters done, I'm proofreading the second now. I'm going to rewrite chapter two tomorrow. Ill go and fix chapter one now, And on pretty much every count your right about kyle, his father was...Pointless is a good word. They never spoke, And unfortunately. Kyle has a brother. the family just never paid attention to kyle himself, So yes he became a bit of a downer in an attempt to get attention, It ended up defining him though.
As for the indifference to his Bronieness, Yes his family didn't care, His mom felt it was "Just a phase" and let it continue, Not that she could have stopped it. His mother became more and more distant as she worked, and yes they were a middle class family, But it was still upper-middle class. So they had more then enough. His mother was a genius. But he doesn't believe he got any of that from her. In fact he sort of hopes he doesn't end up like his family. Which is why he dropped out of school, The brother is current attending a high-class college and is working on his masters, So yea. Kyle has good genes, He just...doesn't want anything to do with them, he likes his emotions too much to be indifferent. which is why he still loves his family, But yea, pretty much spot on with all counts.
But truth be told his mother did love him, She just didn't know how to show it in a way he would understand. So "Steel your heart" ya know?
And then there are those damn sneaky caps. I need to scrounge through my new chapters for them too...Oh yea and the awesome spelling, I take no credit. Google and spell-check.
so if he use his stength to much he will die WTF
177268 What a twist!
Or are you saying that because you wanted him to deck more manticores?
LOL the doors fell on him I know that experience
awesome
WTF I AM THE FIRST ONE TO COMMENT...weird.Awesome story by the way
"speed things up exponentially"
increasing at an increasing rate?
maybe a different word is needed there?
or maybe the mind dictionary she stole wasn't perfect.
yeah, lets go with that.
186326Your right, I didn't even think about that. Definitely not a good word, but then again they are speaking english so maybe its just a mistake.but either way, ill be fixing it, thanks for the catch!
reading
188993 Alright cool, Its just been very...Quiet. Any requests? Thoughts? Hate?
I dont hat it I really like the story but I have no ideas for it sorry
189478 Its cool, just knowing that your enjoying it is enough, I was starting to think no one was even reading it.
I don't really know what to say so I'm just gonna type as I think.
I really like this story(5/5), there's something about its simpleness just gets to me. You know, no adventure, no specific story line wherein this guy likes that girl, and we follow their days on trying to get together. Its basically just a guy who goes by his days in life and the randomness it brings. You've certainly brought drama, comedy, and the "what if"s together nicely. Though there are some grammatical error, I don't really mind, but of course there will be those that will rant about it.
so... yeah... Awesome work.
Hope this will go on longer(though no spoiler when its close to ending. I hate that
)
Did I also mentioned that I read all 20 chapters straight on without stopping?...no? Well I just did.
189602 Well much obliged man, And yea once Kyle meets everyone, then Im going to start focusing on the more...Well I suppose intimate meetings. Any suggestions as to who he should go after? I was thinking a roll of the dice, see how it goes. Most likely not pinkie though, he would love her to death, but never in that way.
As for grammar errors, did I miss some comma capitals? I revised all of my chapters a few days ago I coulda sworn I had them all.
As for how long it goes, that all depends. I enjoy writing this so I don't think it will end anytime soon. But ya know. Life.
189613 Just the occasional missing comma, the too=/= to, and you seem to have mixed write with wright.
As for the mare(stallion if you like.No ill intentions there.) he ends up with... at first I liked thorn, but she's already with BE(also liked her), so that's already a can't. You gave the princesses an understandable reason for a no no, which was a nice touch. So I think I'll go with Rarity or RD... or another OC. Yeah, that's kinda nice, but hey. Surprise me... SURPRISE US!! *obnoxiously retarded evil laugh*...yeah... I miss thorn and the others.
189669 Me too, Thorn as a lot of fun to think about, And Bulls eye was a riot, I wanted to include a lot more with them, and I will as well. I'm not done with them by a long shot. And while I wouldn't mind hooking up kyle with another OC, (Mostly because I don't think he could bring himself to love the girls how he should) I always feel like the Oc`s end up a bit too much like Kyle.
Anyway, New chapter coming up.
Also, sorry it took so long to reply, I was typing that chapter.
Wow, no idea I had screwed up write not once but twice. Thanks for catching those. Im still searching for typos n junk.
I fell asleep on my desk, and the first thing I see is a new chapter. How awesome is that?! Welp, I think I'm really gonna sleep now.
189913 Night man :D
I'm actually enjoying this more than Le Retour by k12314.
i got the 42 thing! anyway, this story doesn't get enough credit. im really enjoying it
Seriously, thanks guys, as an author you don't really expect praise or comments, but when you get them it just makes ya feel so wuvved.
But, all joking aside. Thank you both for reading. And for telling me your reading!
wait the time increased cool he recharges
190971 Hes like a Duracell! He keeps going and going.
191161no really he racharded when you first gave him the amulent it was around 1 and a half hours now it is 2
191340 I know, lol. I was saying he is the energizer bunny, Depending on the path I make him take here soon, the story will take a whole different turn. Speaking of which, I kinda want to make a vote... Should he trust light? Or should he avoid him at all costs? As I said, the decision will alter the story dramatically. Few chapters till that though.
Well Light is a parasite and an intelligent one at that so it probably wants to keep him alive so it can continue to feed since the spark is probably unique to Kyle. I think it should be trustworthy to an extent but it should always act in it's own best interests if you catch my drift.
192593 Yup, that's pretty much right on the spot. There are unfortunately three possible endings, Not really "Endings" per-say but still.
Given his choices and how much faith he puts in Light, he could really end up hurting himself. Thankfully when I get this new chapter released you'll have a bit more info on light. Now If I can stop shaking long enough to work on the damn thing! Freezing.gif
Everytime you say Light all I get is Light Yagami from Death Note and we all know what he's like.
"If he with tree-gut smiles without the night doom shall fall"
Priceless
192840 I never could watch death note all the way through, but yea Now that you mention it Light is a little like Light. What with the love of mind games and all.
Mistakes: dieing is spelled as dying, q is really far from g, oh and there's also the to =/= too still being there.
Reaction: Still loving it so far. Though the idea that most of the mares that he met likes him in an intimate level already is kinda out of place, never mind the whole town being friendly(ponies and all), that fact really makes him a Gary Stu. Especially that everyone is fine saying they want him... but then again PONIES. I guess it can be said that they're just fine as long as they make those around them happy. After all humanity is like this is merely because of selfishness <--- thats what I believe in.
I also got the first reference.... and I got the other reference as well.
192899 Not all the mares are intimate with him, Thorn and Be had lived with him for almost three months prior, while he was still in the castle. Twi and rainbow are definitely getting warmed up to the idea, but to be honest at the point its more like awkward feelings. Or drunk, Course with twi she doesn't want to lose her friends so she didn't know how to react to him being all Coma-ie. Most of them have not developed feeling beyond a deep friendship.
I'm really uncertain if this is clear...I tried explaining but to be honest I don't think ive ever been to good at explanations.
Not to mention I am a firm believer of the "But ponies" Idea, Humans are naturally horrible. So Yea. Now I need to go fix my spelling mistakes, and could you tell me where I q`ed? Also, don't know if you know this...*Looks around* Ponies don't normally wear clothes! D:
ARGH I hate searching through chapters for tutus! I'm pretty sure I managed to fix the first five chapters too-to`s but dammit man. Its boring and im writing for entertainment! I should be bored While progressing the story. Not the other way around! ugh... Stupid tutus... I definitely need to pay more attention though.
192899 Bam! Found it, I called light a Quest. fun times, my bad. Alright now to scrounge through the chapters for all my tutus.
So I just read through this whole story today. It was quite good and I look forward to more.
Working on a new chapter now. Glad you enjoy these! I have a lot of fun writing them!
...
It already ended?
It only took me the whole day to read whole fanfic.. Or something...
Y U END?!
Moar.
193731 Its coming its coming, On average I get about two to three chapters a day out. But of course that's just because im awesome. Expect another here soon.
193771
Y U SO AWSUM?!? 
But still, moar
New chapter. Yay, Spa fun! *Sigh* Im gonna go torture myself some more.
193905 Dude, it's amazing how fast you can write these!
I'm so jelly, you have an amazing imagination.
I don't know about that, Most of my stuff is situational. I take what I know about a characters likes and dislikes, stick em on a wheel and roll. Having a good grasp of characters can help and being able to keep things interesting with out burning out is difficult. I know a few weeks back I died for almost two days because I was mentally exhausted. You don't realize how hard this stuff is till you do it. But in the end? So worth it.
Have you considered submitting this to EQD I'm sure you have enough chapters for them to at least consider it. If your successful you would probably get a lot more readers.
I actually hadent, I didn't think they took HIE stories. But I guess since ive been spending most of my time here only checking for draw friends and new episodes I haven't looked hard.
It says they generally frown on self-insertion fics but I have seen HiE stuff in there such as "Article 2", "Human" and I think "Recon". Assumably if you went through your fic and got someone to correct all the spelling/grammer errors and tried to follow the ideas laid out in the EQD Editors Omnibus you could send it off and the pre-readers would probably let it through. Whether or not you want to do the additional work that may be required yourself or get additional help is up to you most of the EQD fictions have people to help them with their stuff. Still it would be cool to see this on EQD
These will also help clear stuff up hopefully in terms of submission
Story Submission
How To Submit To EQD
Ill be honest, that seems like a lot of work for a submission. But then they most likely get thousand fics a day.. But I think, If self insertions are out im safe, OCs on the other hand we may have some difficulties....